I’m going to be quick, because I feel pretty bad, but just wanted to let you know that after taking a trip to Urgent Care tonight, I tested positive for the flu as well as mono.  Having one without the other is bad enough but, because of having both of them, the doctor says I have a 60% – 65% chance of needing to be admitted to the hospital to begin dealing with them together.  It all depends on what happens during the next 48 hours, specifically with my white blood cell count and fever.  I’ve had a shot tonight and start three prescriptions now that will hopefully attack it enough in the next 48 hours that it won’t be necessary for me to go to the hospital.

Once I take this medicine in the next few minutes, I’ll probably be pretty out of it so I just thought I’d mention what was going on.  If you’re the praying type, I’d really appreciate your prayers, especially over the next couple of days.  I need to be able to keep my medicine down and get liquids in, both of which are not looking too good right now.

I’ll check in again as soon as I feel up to writing.

I’m unusually tired for a Monday morning, which I suspect has something to do with the four year old who slept beside me last night.  As she was falling asleep, she said an unprompted “Amy Beff, I wuv you” and we all know that the unprompted ones are the very best.  I leaned down, kissed her forehead and told her that I loved her more than she could ever imagine which, naturally, prompted her to tell me that she wished I would get married soon.  I explained to her that I’m not going to get married very soon which, although disappointing to her, didn’t stop her from offering another solution: “Could you find a bwoyfrwiend, pwease?”

Anything for you, Aviean, anything for you.

– — –

I don’t feel well this morning and I’m amazed at how easily it can affect my mood.  I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I’ve started taking some new medicine that has some side effects that make me feel not that great and, late last week, I got the news that my daily dosage needed to double which made me cry in the doctor’s office because, apparently, I am a 25 year old baby.

I purposely started the double dosage over the weekend in hopes that, if I was going to feel the side effects, I’d feel them while I was at home.  Somehow that plan didn’t exactly work out and I’m feeling it this morning instead.  I woke up a long time before my alarm clock this morning and have been struggling to have a good attitude ever since.   I haven’t enjoyed being around myself this morning and I don’t think Aviean, Snuggles y Cuddles were either.

But it’s early in the morning and that means there’s plenty of time left in this day for me to get my act together, right?

Right.

Which would you like to hear first?

– — –

The good: I got to have my taxes filed for free today.

The bad: I thought I was going to get money back.  I’m not.

The even worse: I get to write a check to the IRS for $674.00 by April 15.

– — –

The bad: Whilst getting my taxes done, Avi became so bored that she literally climbed a wall when I wasn’t looking.

The good: We didn’t get kicked out before my taxes were safely filed.

– — –

The good: Our friends at Little Caesar’s Pizza cooked dinner for us tonight.

The bad: When the poster on the wall of the pizza chain’s mascot, Caesar, wouldn’t reply to Aviean’s repeated questions, she began to cry because he was “ignworing” her.  Everyone stared at me whilst I tried to explain that one-dimensional posters on walls can’t actually, you know, talk.  She continued crying.

– — –

The good: Aviean took it upon herself to refill the puppies’ water bowl when we got home.

The bad: Whilst the puppies were drinking from their freshly refilled bowl, Aviean took it as an opportunity to sneak up on them and pull their wee little tails.

– — –

The bad: I thought that Aviean was fast asleep until about seven seconds ago.

The good: She just asked me if I would hold her until she falls back asleep.

– — –

And with that I’ve decided that, today, the good far outweighs the bad.

I’m supposed to be writing a two-page minimum (which means we all know actually means a three to five page) paper for Advanced Grammar due by midnight but, so far, I’m only seven words into it unless you count my name and the header at the top because, if you do, that totally brings the total to 18 words at 9:51 p.m. which means one thing: I have two hours and nine minutes to continue procrastinating.

In all honesty, I’m just avoiding the paper because I’m experiencing a little bit of disappointment in the fact that I just took my first quiz (online) for Methods of Bible Study and only made an 84 which is basically like being forced to participate in Bible Bowl Quiz and letting your entire youth group down when you can’t differentiate between inductive and deductive Bible study methods.

Also, I need to tell you that the 25-question quiz included questions about what certain Greek words mean in English.  Let me put this plainly: I don’t even like to eat Greek food, so what would make anyone think I am capable of learning definitions of Greek words?  Please.

Procrastinating on papers isn’t really new to me; I write best under pressure and everyone knows the best pressure is having to submit a paper by midnight and not beginning it until the nightly news comes on.  I took this one class in college where we regularly had 20-page papers due; Cara and I would meet up at her house to write our papers and not begin on them until around 8 p.m.  Of course, we obviously had to take frequent breaks to bake brownies, watch television and talk about whichever boy we were currently obsessed with that week.  We would write until about 1 a.m. at which point I would declare that I didn’t care what grade I got before going upstairs and helping myself to Cara’s bed.  She’d stay up all night writing, wake me up at 5:30 a.m. so I could write a few more pages and then we’d drag ourselves into the classroom, papers in hand, by 7:45 a.m.  We’d somehow stay awake for the next hour and fifteen minutes; every once in awhile, we’d skip our next class in favor of breakfast at Cracker Barrel.

When I was in college, I had the responsibilities of Starlite so I never really felt like a college student.  But when we’d skip that class and eat pancakes while wearing no make-up and our favorite hoodies?  I was normal for at least an hour and I just about didn’t know what to do with myself.

– — –

Oh my goodness, this paper.  I have got to write it even though I’d rather keep talking to you.

… don’t think that, just because this one has arrived on the scene these last few months…

… that I’ve let myself forget about this one.

Miss MacKenzie is doing well; we talk on the phone some nights since we’re an hour away from each other.  It isn’t perfect, but at least it’s something.  She tells me about school; I tell her about Snuggles y Cuddles.

I woke up missing her this morning, so we will now take a tour de MacKenzie.

This wasn’t a posed picture; sometime I need to tell you the story behind it.  I was just letting her swim around in the fountain after I took this picture.

It was the first time I had ever taken pictures of someone or something on purpose.

I haven’t stopped taking pictures of her since.

More MacKenzie: pedicures and baby dolls | aloha leis | instinct.

– — –

Confused?  Aviean is my cousin’s child who is with me quite a bit right now.  MacKenzie is a little girl from my home church who is being solely raised by her father.

Wait, let me give it to you in a math equation.

Aviean + MacKenzie = baby dolls + pink everything = very fulfilled Amy Beth

A list of things I’m grateful for on this sweet Wednesday morning –

1. When I’m brushing my teeth at my bathroom sink, I feel like I’m living in the perfect house for a girl in her mid-twenties mainly because my sink is really, really pretty. And then I look to the left and see a pair of wellies I left in there and I almost want to cry because it’s just so me, this season of life.  I can’t explain it, but one day when I’m in a different season of life and think back on this one, I’ll think about standing at my darling sink with my wellies on the floor beside it.

2. Snuggles y Cuddles, even though Snuggles is in t-r-o-u-b-l-e right now because, when I got home late last night from work and made a sandwich while on a phone call, I made the mistake of laying it down on the table only to have that puppy jump up high enough to pull it off the table and eat half of it before I could even get to him.

3. Waking up before my alarm clock goes off and realizing that I can go back to sleep for a bit longer.

4. Aviean, who is typically the one to wake me up before my alarm clock goes off.  The other morning, she chose to climb on my bed, climb on top of me and say “Wake up, Amy Beff.  We need to twalk about some things.”  The items she wanted to discuss at 5:13 a.m.?  The fact that one day she’ll get to wear a white dress and be a bride, the way Cuddles looks cute when he sleeps and how she would really like me to go ahead and get out of bed so I could find her ballerina tutu for her to wear.

5. I have a doctor’s appointment today and it’s reminded me of how very grateful I am that I have health insurance and the ability to purchase medicines that I need by simply going to one of 20-something pharmacies in my town.

6. Okay, I know they’ve already appeared on the list once already, but Snuggles y Cuddles.  They’re sleeping beside me while I write this and Snuggles is looking so cute I can’t stand it.

7. My diary.  Lately I’ve just wanted to come home every evening, get in bed and write until I get everything out.  I use an online, password protected diary and it contains years of late-night writing that is so meaningful to me.  A girl needs a place where she can just be herself, even if it’s just on the screen in front of her.

I’d write more, but I want to go wake that puppy up and tell him how cute he is; seriously, I wish you could see him right now.  I love little sleeping puppies!

On Friday night, as snow continued to fall, a picture from my darling cousin Marisa showed up on my cell phone with some very important words attached:

“Bling, bling… I GOT THE RING!”

I was absolutely ecstatic!  I have a very small family; Marisa is my only female first cousin (Cate is on the other side of my family and we’re more distant cousins).  I grew up playing baby dolls with Marisa, even though we’re several years apart; I’m older, but I always used Marisa as an excuse to keep playing baby dolls even when I was far too old to be doing such silliness.  We grew up living over an hour away from each other and now?  Five minutes from my door to hers.  It’s perfect.

– — –

When I woke up on Saturday morning, Marisa had already called to ask if she could come over to show me her ring.  After deciding that her four-wheel drive could probably make it to my house, she headed over in her pajamas and we had the best time standing in my kitchen just gushing over her ring.

I asked Marisa if I could tell you this next part of the story because it’s her story, not mine, and she told me that she wanted me to tell you.  Our morning of jumping around my kitchen in our pajamas was especially poignant because, at an earlier point in our twenties, Marisa was engaged to a different person.  We were thrilled when she was engaged but, not long after it happened, that man ended up making decisions that forced the ending of their engagement.  I vividly remember Marisa coming over to the house I was living in during that time and sitting at my kitchen table as she showed me a ringless left hand.  The circumstances of her broken engagement were completely unrelated to anything she had done and I was absolutely brokenhearted because her heart was broken.  I remember us sitting at that table talking about how God would turn this around for His good, even though we found that hard to imagine as we sat crying in my kitchen.

And now, He’s done just that.  She’ll be married this fall, with me by her side at the altar.

If what I’ve already seen through my camera lens is any indication of what’s to come, I think we can be assured that we’re going to have one beautiful bride on our hands.

– — –

I fixed breakfast for my Saturday morning house guests (Marisa, Avi and my sickling college girl, Anna) and, as I was cleaning up the mess, I could tell that Marisa wanted to talk about something.  I was right; within a few minutes, she had hesitantly told me that she felt guilty that she was engaged before me since I’m older.  Before I could protest, she told me that she thought it should be me who was getting married first because I’m the oldest female cousin, the oldest granddaughter and that she wished it was happening differently.

I laid down the dish I was carrying to the sink, came back over to the table and told her with absolute conviction that I am thrilled beyond words that she is engaged.  And do you know the best part?  I really, genuinely meant it.  Ever since I had the experience of not being able to get excited for Cate’s relationship, I have been on my knees beside my bed praying for God to make my heart less focused on my wanting a relationship and more grateful for the fact that my friends are getting the relationships that they’ve so wanted.  I had no idea that Marisa’s engagement would come so soon, but I’m so relieved that I had already been asking God to change my heart because, if I was unable to get excited for her, I would absolutely be unable to even stand being around myself.  I’m just not going to turn into that girl; I refuse to become bitter and unhappy for my friends.

– — –

Well, off to another morning of Advanced Grammar.  Get this: every morning of class, we have something called a NET.  Guess what those letters stand for?

Never Ending Test.  I am not even joking.

And everything in time and under heaven

finally falls asleep

wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath

and still I notice You

when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass

even now in death, You open doors for life to enter

You are winter.

– — –

both pairs of wellies appear courtesy of my closet.

avi’s darling hat brought to you by my first trip to gymboree two months ago.

lyrics from every season by nichole nordeman (my favorite song of the moment).

and, lastly, snow provided by heaven.

Three minutes until midnight; my house is quiet, but contentedly full.  It has snowed — real snow, with inches more due to come while we sleep tonight — and I have my hands full.  It’s funny because wouldn’t most people use that phrase in a negative way?  And yet I don’t mean it that way; my hands are full tonight, in a very good way.

– — –

I found out that one of my college girls was sick and that her roommate was going home this weekend, so I called her and told her to pack a bag because she was coming to stay with me.  She didn’t argue, but I knew she wouldn’t; every college girl secretly wants to be taken care of when they’re sick.

And so I left work, picked up my little Avi and went to get my college girl, Anna.  I took them to my house, safely deposited them inside, and then headed to the store to get medicine, chicken noodle soup and Gatorade (for my patient), candy (for my Avibug) and milk and bread (to properly honor my southern girl heritage).  Cate called on my way home to ask if she could crash at my house, too.  Before long, everyone was inside, warm and together.

After I got everyone settled with dinner, I began washing the sheets on my bed, finding pillows from the laundry room.  Cate discovered my Dr. Mario game and we lost her to it for a good two hours while Anna, my college girl, fell asleep curled up on the end of my couch.  I put Avi in her pink tutu and we did ballet in the kitchen while I carried dishes to the sink and planned breakfast for the morning.

It wasn’t long before I was rocking Avi to sleep and doling out medicine to Anna.  Cate wanted to be in her own bed tonight and, since we couldn’t get our cars up my driveway earlier, she was able to get to the main road to head home.  I put Anna in my bed, prayed over her and turned on some music to help her fall asleep.  She has a fever but is shaking from chills, so I’m not sure exactly what she has but I’m determined that, by the time she leaves my house at the end of the weekend, she’ll be on the mend and ready for another week of classes.

– — –

My hands have been full tonight and I’m so very thankful.  I have a need in me to nurture and, on nights like this when I have darling girls in my house that both need nurturing even if they are over 15 years apart in age, a part of me is fulfilled.  I have people in my home tonight that I can nurture; I have people to pour love into tonight… and I get to do it again tomorrow, too.  It might even be better than the snow itself, this gift of having tangible ones to nurture tonight.

“I may be strong-minded, but no one can say I’m out of my sphere now, for woman’s special mission is supposed to be drying tears and bearing burdens.” – Louisa May Alcott

I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, but Thursday nights are my favorite part of the week.  It’s actually kind of funny how that came to be… back when I was doing Starlite, we did our elementary school programs on Mondays, our high school programs on Tuesdays and our middle school programs on Thursdays.  By the time I left the office each Thursday evening, I was exhausted but at the same time relieved.  Even though we would spend Friday prepping for the next week, at least we had successfully finished another week of programs.  Thursday evenings quickly became my finish line for the week and, even though Starlite is gone, my love for Thursday evenings hasn’t left.

And I get to spend this one with you.

– — –

When I was in grad school, I took a class where we spent time learning about what happens to people when they come out of vocational ministry.  I remember listening intently because I knew that, at some point, it was likely that I wouldn’t be in ministry as a career and I wanted to know what to expect.  The professor went through a list of emotions and feelings that someone would go through and I remember writing it down, line after line.

It’s been so interesting over these last few months to watch myself go through the different stages, almost knowing what is to come next.  I haven’t said too much about Starlite over the last few months because, quite honestly, the stage I was in was relief that I no longer had that amount of stress on myself and I didn’t want to be judged for it.  Around 90% of the people who read this blog never interacted with me through Starlite, so it’s hard to describe how much joy and yet weight it was for me because you never saw it.  I don’t regret doing Starlite for even a minute, but I never expected to feel as relieved as I have these last few months.  And, naturally, I’ve struggled with guilt for feeling that way.

Over these past few months, I haven’t felt grief over the ending of Starlite and that’s bothered me.  I kept waiting for it to hit me and, when it never did, I just assumed that maybe that wasn’t a stage I was going to go through.  And then, a couple of weeks ago, it began to hit.  I think I’m just seeing the beginning of it and, to be blunt, I expect to feel it much more deeply over the coming months.  I’m actually relieved that those feelings are coming — the opportunity to “mourn” it in a way — because I think that’s a healthy part of moving on, even if it probably won’t feel very good as I go through the emotions.

– — –

One of the things that many people told me to expect when I left vocational ministry was that I might feel differently about my relationship with God, which is perhaps the understatement of the year.  I am in a really strange place when it comes to my relationship with Him and various aspects of the Christian life.  I think that part of that is due to the changes with Starlite ending, but I also think that some of it is coming with just being at the age I am right now.  Have you ever seen a picture of an astronaut floating around in space while tethered a shuttle?  I feel like that astronaut, but whatever cord has me tethered seems awfully long and loose some days.

– — –

I wrote that last line quite a bit ago; I’ve just been laying here in bed, thinking about how important the relationship is between a girl and her God.  I’ve gone through so many different seasons of life with God and I find it fascinating that I’ve never needed Him more than I do now; the need never begins to diminish, but only grows as I get older.

Sleep well, loves.