Status: SAASOC. Translation: single as a slice of cheese.
Some of the girls and I went to see a movie tonight — 27 Dresses. If you’ve seen the previews, you know that it is about a girl who is a bridesmaid 27 different times. When her love interest (I’m not sure what else to call him) finally sees her closet full of dresses and asks her why she keeps them, she gets this wistful look in her eyes and says that the dresses represent some of the best memories in her life.
One of the sweeter parts about leading an all-girl ministry is that I get to see a whole lotta love stories. I see the ones where they fall in love; I pass tissues while another explains that she’s simply fallen out of love. I open envelopes to find wedding invitations; I buy baby shower gifts for girls I shared a bathroom with my freshman year of college. I drink lots of bad punch at their bridal showers and I beam when they start walking down the aisle. I may not have 27 dresses in my closet, but I have hundreds of memories stored up just waiting to burst through the doors.
Maybe it is where I live or the college I went to; I’m really not sure. But for some reason, most of my good friends from my undergraduate years are now married — many with bouncing babies on their hips. There was Christan, who made me cry as I watched her face when I gave the toast at her reception. Brandy, whose cupcake wedding cake was just as sweet as her whole wedding. I didn’t get to see Caroline’s wedding — not because it was all the way in Texas but because I had a conflict I couldn’t get out of — but have seen pictures that prove she will always hold the title of the classiest bride out of all of us.
There was Meredith who married the happiest guy I’ve ever known; Jessica, striking in her gown as we all expected. Ashley’s husband met her at the altar with a song he wrote about her; that was the day I discovered you can cry both hard and silent at the same time. Lindsey was radiant — everyone there that day agrees.
But the line of brides goes farther back, all the way to my childhood friends. LuAnne, Casey, Jessica… all happened so quickly they might as well had their weddings together and split the costs. The there was Ashley, the girl who I tried on prom dresses with when we were only in middle school. When it was her turn to take the most important walk of her life, I felt like I was almost taking it with her.
That’s only 11, but I could easily — and quite happily – list 20 more.
So it may not come as a surprise, then, that sometimes I feel like I’m in line with all of them at a theme park. We’re all waiting for the ultimate ride that every little girl has dreamed about her whole life — her wedding, represented by the teacup ride of course. As they go through the gate to select their color of cup to spin around in and flowers to hold at the altar, I wait in line. I can see their happiness and that does quite a bit in helping to take the edge off bitterness. Because when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy. You would even gladly let them pass you in line.
Most of the time, I hold my place in line well — no complaining or questioning when it will be my turn next. Most of the time. But sometimes, when it seems like the ride operator is starting to let people behind me get on first, I grow impatient. Emotions start to rise to the surface and things can get ugly, quickly.
But there’s something I’ve learned from sitting in my office listening to stories punctuated by sobs. What often comes out sounding like jealousy is actually just fear. Fear that they won’t get a turn; fear that they’ll spend the rest of their lives listening to how great the resort was at everyone else’s honeymoon. Fear that they’ll keep adding dress after dress to their own bridesmaid closet.
I’m not just preaching to the choir here; I’ll readily admit that I stopped by the jewelry store in the mall last night to look at the engagement ring case. I want the wedding, I want the love, I want the fairytale ending. I don’t think there is any shame in admitting that I want all of that for me, too.
But, because I believe in a God who created the whole sense of time, I’m willing to wait. But the older I get — and the singl-er (?) I stay — the more I’m noticing that the field I have to walk across is full of landmines. Some I’ve discovered by stepping on them myself; others have blown up pieces of my single friends’ hearts while I’ve looked on in shock. Simply put, there are a whole lot of illegitimate ways to meet legitimate needs.
And so, we wait. We stand in line and we wait. But the saddest thing is that, most of the time, we choose to wait alone. There’s a whole line of other girls walking in the same pair of high heels, yet we tell ourselves that we’re the only girl standing in that line. That we’re standing alone, and that the line seems to be barely moving.
I don’t have an answer for all of this. I don’t have some way to tie it all together nicely with a pretty bow at the top. All I know is this: whether I’m going to be standing in line for another day or another 10 years, I want to be happy during that time. I want to find joy. If I can’t seem to find contentment, I want to at least find calmness. I want to play with my friend’s babies and wear my cute dress to dinner with my girlfriends. I want to keep adding pages torn from magazines to my wedding file (yes, of course I have one) and I want to sleep in on Saturday mornings. I want to take that walk in the park and eat off my pretty dishes. I want to learn to be whole as one, whether or not I ever become a part of two.
Deep down, don’t you too?
Edited to add: In case this post sounds too serious, it is important to note that earlier today, when a friend suggested we “Saran Wrap” my ex-boyfriend’s car, I actually considered it for 7.3 seconds. See, I’m still 23.
Posted: January 26th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 10
Comments
Comment from Kristin Evans
Time: January 27, 2008, 10:38 am
You are delightful! As always, your writing amazes me; God has given you an incredible talent. I can totally identify with this post. I had to wait almost those 10 years you mention – it was 9, I married at 32. If you had told me that at 23 I might have fainted. But I wouldn’t trade those years for anything now. Having lived single for so long and married for only 2, I feel much more an expert (or experienced) on singleness.
A friend told me great advice I’ve reminded myself of over and over. “Enjoy every season of your life; milk it for all it’s worth.”
Even if the season is longer than anticipated, it is a season and one day it will be gone. So enjoy your time with “the girls.” Be as girly as you want to be! Paint everything pink! 
Watch all the chick-flicks you want, because one day you find yourself in love with a guy who actually prefers watching wrestling on Friday night! (Don’t say it won’t happen – I did and here I am head over heals for him! ) All kidding aside…
You are making the most of your single life! You’re immersed in serving others and laying down your life for your King. Trust Him, His plans are so much better! And guard your heart so you can enjoy without hesitation all your friends weddings and babies. I’m praying for you! Love you!
Comment from Jenna
Time: January 27, 2008, 2:41 pm
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks for sharing your heart. Love, Jenna
Comment from Brandy T
Time: January 28, 2008, 10:23 am
I really love this entry. Although I am married, I think every girl, at every point in her life, has something that she LONGS for and WAITS for and CRIES for. Thank you for reminding me that it’s the waiting that can help us appreciate the ride. I love you!
Comment from Ashley Flores
Time: January 28, 2008, 1:26 pm
AB, let’s go back to a diary entry by yours truly…
“It’s weird the things that make you jelous sometimes. It can be anything! Sometimes out of the blue! I don’t know why, but I ocassionally check up on one of my old friend’s girlfriend’s Myspace. Don’t ask me why. I guess there’s just always part of me that wants to know what’s going on in their lives (Amy Beth, you know exactly who and what I’m talking about so no judging!). It just seems that without fail I get this feeling every time I type in that URL. It’s a feeling of… well, I don’t really know what to call it. I guess a part of it is jelousy and believe me it’s not because of who she has but maybe because of what she has. Now, DON’T anyone take this the wrong way because I L*O*V*E my life. I really do. I love my husband, my baby girl, my family and friends but I think there will always be this part of me that wonders what it would be like to be that single, beautiful, pre-baby body, pre-marriage relationship girl again. I was looking at the photos she had on her page and there’s one where she’s just standing there all dressed up and looking gorgeous and the caption reads “I enjoy being a girl”. Now my theatre lovin’ mind initially goes to the song from the show “Flower Drum Song” that I actually had played when I tossed my bouquet but then it does the completely human thing of quickly going from one thought to the next, to the next until I came to one far off conclusion: I don’t feel like a “girl”, so to speak, anymore. I don’t think of myself that way anymore and if you ask me at two different times just how that makes me feel, well, you’ll get two very different answers. Ask me right now and I’ll say it’s sad because something deep down inside of me will always want to feel that way again. The other answer will consist of telling you how much I love being a mother and that it doesn’t matter because I have the life I’ve always wanted. And I do. For years most girls dream of getting married and having babies. So why do I get even the tiniest bit jelous when I have everything that most girls my age are wishing so terribly that they could have?
I’ll never be able to answer THAT question. But for me, the grass will only sometimes be greener on the other side. At least until the day when you find out that the other grass has tough soil underneath and truly wishes that she could be as soft and green as you are.”
Now, I know that my feelings were quite the opposite of yours. The point is that there is always someone who wants your life. The grass will always seem greener but we should always appreciate what we have in the here and now.
I love you!
Comment from AnnieBlogs
Time: June 23, 2008, 1:56 am
Um. Amen sister.
Comment from Sarah
Time: July 8, 2008, 8:41 pm
Yes, I’m lurking your archives.
And I’m loving every minute of it.
Just last night I prayed for you. And I prayed for your husband.
You’re going to be the most amazing wife and mommy someday Amy Beth.
Comment from Vicky
Time: July 13, 2008, 6:42 pm
I’m going through your archives… I needed this reminder today. A lot.
Thanks!
Comment from Leslie Ruth
Time: December 29, 2008, 9:14 pm
I love the next to last paragraph of this post. You are wise, sweet friend, so wise. I missed a lot in my single days because I was too focused (aka obsessed) with When Will I Get Married Already Syndrome.
Also, confession: On a trip to New York City, I totally went into Tiffany’s and told the clerk my boyfriend (non-existent) and I were getting engaged soon and he wanted me to look at rings. And so I needed to try some on. At Tiffany’s. You know what, though? SOOOOO worth it to have a Tiffany’s ring on my hand.
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[...] of processed nacho cheese to the blog readers. I must have had an obsession with cheese, since I compared myself to a slice of it while discussing my single status. I confessed my true love of big hair to you early on and took [...]
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Comment from Andi
Time: January 27, 2008, 12:30 am
lol… saran wrap… made my day
i love you dear, and i am so happy that you are willing to wait for the right guy, instead of jumping for the one who thinks, or wants, or even seems to be right.
i just know that God is doing amazing things in your life, and in your future husbands. i’ll be praying for you, and for him.
i love you. you are the best.