In a few hours, I’m heading out of town with about half of our college leadership team for a one night retreat.  We’re not doing any Starlite work on the retreat, which is always nice.  We’re also not having processed nacho cheese for a midnight snack, which is really nice.

I’m actually really excited about getting away for a night because I’ve been in a bit of a… well, frustrated mood for a couple of days now.  Some of it has been related to work stuff and the rest has all been personal.  I haven’t taken it out on my roommate, or my puppies, or even my Imaginary Boyfriend… but I will admit that my God-diary (more on that in a second) entry last night started out with “I have a problem with You tonight.  Shall we discuss?”

Before you start sending me the emails telling me how dare I tell God that I have a problem with Him, you should know that I’m well aware of the line of thinking that says we should never feel any emotion towards God other than warmfuzzy happiness. 

AND, you should know that I used to be that girl.  You know, the one who said that everything was fine and bless God what a beautiful day He has created and could we have more prayer meetings because wouldn’t that just be precious?

But then I decided to quit lying.  First to me, and then finally, to Him.

Here’s what I’m thinking: I really believe that God would rather us come to Him with an honest heart, especially since He already knows what we’re feeling, thinking and doing. 

In other words, it didn’t shock God last night when I wrote that I had a problem with Him.  And, it probably also didn’t shock Him when, a few minutes later, I wrote about the real problem:

“I am angry that You won’t give me what I want.”

I spent the next few lines explaining that I know He knows what I want and I know He actually has what I want and WHY WON’T YOU JUST GIVE IT TO ME ALREADY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Talk about throwing a holy temper tantrum right there in my diary. 

Like all true children, when I was finished with everything I wanted to say to Him, I had no desire to listen to anything He might want to respond with.  I was angry and frustrated and, if you want to know a secret, just a little bit scared that He had forgotten about me.

He hasn’t, of course.  And, when I woke up this morning remembering last night’s tirade, I remembered something that I learned in one of my grad classes.  I can’t remember the name of the theory and I’d look it up but?  Hello?  I haven’t packed for tonight yet and it is going to take me a very long time to decide which hair products I should take with me.

The theory was that we, as humans, are the most open and honest about our true feelings with the people we believe are least likely to leave us after seeing the depths of our honest emotions.  The fact that I started an entry in it last night with the words “I have a problem with You” is probably the greatest testament to my finally getting to a point where I am unabashadly honest with Him.

I started my God-diary a little over two years ago, right around the time I figured out that I didn’t have to hide what I was really thinking and feeling from Him.  I keep a lot of diaries — one between me and some close friends; one for my future husband; a personal day-to-day one; and, of course, my God-diary.

Oh, and then there’s this here bloggy which I affectionately refer to as my hair-diary.  The fact that you people (yes, all three of you) come back day after day still confuses me.

Anyway, the God-diary?  It is a good, good thing.  I’m looking forward to tonight’s entry as it will likely start out with:

“God, are you there?  It’s me, Amy Beth.  Why did you send me college girls who wait until I fall asleep to let the air out of my air mattress while laughing hysterically?  Oh, and could I please have good hair for church in the morning?  Please?“

Perhaps I shouldn’t be spending my time trying to figure out why the interlings come back to the bloggy everyday and instead put that time to good use thanking God for coming back to my diary each night.

Although He did say that He knows every hair on my head…