Please excuse me while I go scrub some floors with my toothbrush.
Today was the last day of classes at our university (I’m not a student anymore, but I still think of myself as one). Katie’s had a pretty tough semester of classes, so I thought we’d celebrate tonight. I stopped by the grocery store on my way home and picked out some things to make for our Thank God Katie’s Classes Are Over dinner.
When I got home, she had just gotten out of the shower. I told her to hurry up and get ready because I was going to cook us dinner. Instead of fainting as I expected her to, Katie’s eyes got big and she said the fatal words “Don’t you remember that I’m going to a formal with Eric tonight?”
I had somehow completely forgotten about it, so away the groceries went and out came the supportive comments as she did her hair and make-up. She was rushed for time and spilled her bottle of pink nail polish all over her bathroom sink. I started cleaning it up while she frantically dried her hair. We both laughed at how Cinderella-ish the whole ordeal was becoming.
Before long, she slipped into her pretty dress, put on her high heels and headed out the door. As the door slammed shut, I realized that it would be just me and the puppies tonight. I sat down on the living room floor to play with them, but they were more interested in playing with each other. And, of course, with one of my socks.
As I fixed dinner for myself, I tried to ignore the fact that tears were very close to the surface. But as I reached for one plate, one glass, and one fork, another “one” happened: one tear ran down my cheek.
It is hard to write or talk about being single in a public setting because a lot of people say things that end up being hurtful, even if they were never meant that way. “Bloom where you’re planted.” “You’re too young to worry about this!” “You need to seek God first, young lady.” And then there’s my favorite one, the one that would be unbelievable if I hadn’t heard it quite a few times: “Well, maybe if you lost some weight…” The comments all snowball into one big feeling of being wrong for wanting to be with someone.
Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to be single or not to be single; it shouldn’t be a surprise that I do as well. Most of my reasons for so looking forward to that phase of my life probably stem from my childhood experience of coming from a broken home. Even though my parents didn’t divorce until I was 5, I have no memory of ever living in a house with two parents under the roof. This, of course, isn’t the only reason I’m excited to go from a Miss to a Mrs one day, but I don’t think you really want to read that list, right?
It is on nights like this that I have to chose to remember that I am not my own. God has His reasons for designing my life in the way He has — and I believe that He hasn’t placed desires in my heart only to never fulfill them. He’s in control. I may not have it all together, but He sure does.
And so I have a choice tonight. I get to choose whether I’ll be grateful for the season He and I are in or if I’ll instead wish I could go on to some other time in my life. I get to choose whether I’m going to do well at the tasks He’s given to me for this season or if I’d rather fail them miserably while asking for new assignments. And, hard as it may be, I’ll get to make those same choices again tomorrow as the sun starts to rise.
I’m constantly reminded that it so matters that I make the next right decision whether it be a small decision or a large one. Everything has an impact; some just aren’t seen until generations down the road. I firmly believe that what I am choosing now, at age 23, directly affects what my children will experience one day. Some of the seeds that I’m sowing now won’t be reaped until I’m long gone.
And that’s why, today, I’m going to choose life. Even if it is single life. Even if it hard. Even if it is lonely. It still is the next right decision.
Now, if only I could decide what to wear tomorrow.
Posted: April 22nd, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 22
Comments
Comment from Holly Smith
Time: April 22, 2008, 8:16 pm
What a very good attitude that you have, Amy. And you know, dear one, I’m praying for you (as well as your ministry).
You are precious. Yep.
Praying for you!
holly
Comment from Lauren
Time: April 22, 2008, 8:34 pm
Love you very much AB!!!!
Comment from Jennifer
Time: April 22, 2008, 8:40 pm
Oh girl. I wish we lived closer. I’d totally invite you over to watch Dancing with the Stars right now. Cause what CAN’T Riverdance fix??
Comment from Jenna
Time: April 22, 2008, 8:54 pm
Oh my lands, I will hurt whoever said that to you about losing weight! The nerve of some people!
You are beautiful Amy Beth, and your words from the heart will touch so many women who are right where you are–me, included! I know it is so hard sometimes, but you have the right attitude. God’s timing is truly perfect!
Comment from Amanda
Time: April 22, 2008, 9:02 pm
Thanks for sharing this. Bless you, sister!
Comment from Brandy T
Time: April 22, 2008, 9:03 pm
AB, your tears are so precious to the Lord… because they are tears of sacrifice… they are tears that come from a heart that says, “Not my will, but Yours…even when it’s THIS hard.” He does not forget those kinds of tears. Because he knows them Himself. And there WILL be a day when He will remind you of those tears and say, “See how I remembered and see what I have done.”
I love you, sweetie!!
Comment from jenelle howe
Time: April 22, 2008, 9:04 pm
amy beth, you inspire me on a daily basis with these posts, im the kind of person who wants to call u and just make you feel better, but i realize you don’t need that from me bc GOD is healing you in this season (but if u EVER want someone to vent to it would be an honor and a privilege to help you in any way i can) i love you girl very much! see you soon!
Comment from Jenn C
Time: April 22, 2008, 10:21 pm
First, you need to know that I’m crying. And, I just sent you a text (and feel privileged that I have your # and can do that).
Just know that, 1) you are not alone, and 2) God does not make mistakes. He doesn’t give us what we want when we want it because we either a) wouldn’t know what to do with it, or b) would let it go somehow.
We are daughters of the Divine, and if God wants more time to prepare me (and you!) to be the best wives, mothers, grandmothers, best friends, confidants,and women that we can be, then I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can be okay with it, and you will too.
Hold you head up high girl, You set the examples for each Twinkler, Sparkler, and Glower who’s never seen what a Godly woman looks like.
Love you!!
Comment from Jenn C
Time: April 22, 2008, 10:24 pm
And whoever made the comment about your weight, whether it was innocent or not, let’s just agree together for God to shut their mouth for a little while, k?
I just tell people that there is more of me to be full of Jesus. and to love on them.
Comment from Another Jenn C
Time: April 22, 2008, 10:41 pm
Oh, Amy Beth. My tears are no longer at the surface - they spilled right over. How I remember the road you’re walking. While I know that you know God has an awesome and wonderful plan for your life, I also know it is sometimes hard to remember that when our fleshly selves take over.
My mom bought stock in Kleenex after many nights with me feeling just like you’re feeling. (Okay, not really, but it sounded good!) How could God knit a desire to love and be loved into my heart only to deny it? He didn’t. He just couldn’t GIVE me the desire of my heart until He matured me spiritually. I learned that there are three answers to prayer: yes, no and NOT YET. The Lord in His infinite wisdom knew that if he brought Studly Man (my dear husband) into my life at the time I began BEGGING God to do so, I would have ruined the relationship. God had so much work to do in me (and probably in Studly, too).
My bridal shower (hosted by all the little old ladies at my church who had watched me grow up) was literally ON my 40th birthday. That’s right. I was 40 years old when the Lord gave me the desire of my heart. But guess what? It is more wonderful and sweeter than I ever imagined it could be because it came when the Lord determined it was best for me.
Had I married sooner, I would not have been able to participate in many of the mission opportunities I had, and I wouldn’t have been in such a teachable place in my life. I now realize that my single days were some of the richest of my life. God USED that time to grow me into HIS woman of character so that I could Studly’s helpmate.
As foreign as the idea may seem now, treasure this time. Treasure your opportunity to walk with and know your God more intimately. He will reward you, I promise.
My prayers will include asking the Lord to bless you in yet unimagined ways. They’ll also include prayers for great wisdom and tenderness and understanding and love in your future Studly Man. God is working in him right now, too!
Though we’ve never met, you are my sister because of Jesus, and I love your tender heart. You are a blessing to me and so many others.
Comment from Lisa writes…
Time: April 22, 2008, 11:10 pm
Stumbled on your site from I’m-not-real-sure-where and I want to thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this post. Your decision to trust the Lord, to say Yes to Him whatever comes your way, both challenges and inspires my faith!
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: April 22, 2008, 11:23 pm
Amy Beth, I’ve been reading your blog for about a week now and wanting to comment but feeling almost … intimidated by your adorable style and humor.
And now this. I just want to reach through the screen and hug you — or at least bring over my toothbrush so that scrubbing will go quicker.
Keep believing God, sweet one. He knows. He knows it all.
Comment from Christy
Time: April 22, 2008, 11:38 pm
I have been struggling with this same issue for a while…I slide back and forth on the contentment scale about this quite often. But what you said at the end really spoke to me.
Thank you for being authentic and real.
Much love.
Comment from Big Mama
Time: April 22, 2008, 11:56 pm
You’ll get there, sister. I don’t know much but I know He has an awesome plan.
Comment from Kristen Schiffman
Time: April 23, 2008, 1:50 am
Girlfriend, I only stumbled upon your blog last night but I have been SO tickled by your humor and love for Christ - I’ve been trying to catch up and read every post!
How beautiful you are to His heart - so beautiful in fact, the King is enthralled with your beauty…
He knows all of your desires. And you shine with His glory as you openly speak them to us and choose His will for this season above your own.
Comment from Sister Honey Bunch
Time: April 23, 2008, 8:49 am
I could have written this 10 years ago. I was single and frustrated for a looooong time. I prayed over it constantly.
I got engaged. Called off the wedding after a series of awful event occurred. My parents then divorced after 40 years of marriage. I dated a bunch of guys who were looking for Barbie (I wasn’t her) and they were no Ken.
One day I made a list of the qualities I needed in a husband. I still have that list and when I read it I realize God gave me everything I had written down.
I’ve been married 6 years now and when I look back on my single days I don’t always remember the sadness and loneliness. I usually remember how much fun I had with my friends and by myself (I am NEVER alone anymore) and I wish I had really enjoyed “the moment” when it was happening.
I’m really enjoying your blog and following your life. You are going to have an amazing one. And I’ll pray for you to have peace and joy during this part of the journey.
Because one day you’re going to be picking up your husband’s socks off the floor and your kid will be calling from the bathroom to have you wipe his butt and you’re gonna be thinking about the days when you just needed to pour yourself a bowl of cereal and turn on American Idol and not worry about a thing. NOt that you’ll want to return to those days, but man, they were certainly easier in many ways.
Comment from Corrie
Time: April 23, 2008, 11:12 am
Mary Beth~
I want so badly to reach through the computer and hug you. I am so right there with you. Just the other night, I sobbed to my Mom “I am so sick of being a tourist to everyone else’s season! When is my season coming??” Then I buried myself in His Word and once again prayed for all the blessings in my life. Love you!
Comment from Cindy
Time: April 23, 2008, 11:22 am
Believe it or not, I’d given some thought to your singleness before this post. I think because I glimpsed the desire in your heart and wondered how you deal with it on a daily basis.
Here’s my thoughts today…
ditto what other people said
ditto what you said so beautifully
God gave you the desire, He will grant you the desires of your heart.
His timing is SO much better than ours.
Whoever gets you is going to be ONE BLESSED MAN.
It is clear you are dearly loved and admired.
I think that this season of life where you can so fully pour yourself into friends and ministry is rare and precious. And fleeting.
I think you’re going to meet a hunk of a youth minister at some church you go to. 
I’ve only been reading you for a few weeks and I already adore you!
P.S. I think you’re going to write a book and be adored by thousands and thousands of readers.
Comment from moelunger
Time: April 23, 2008, 1:47 pm
See, I told you I read your website!
So, Amy Beth, why don’t you just marry me? I’m single too, now. Except, uhm, we’re both girls and I have three dogs and a cat who might not get along with your babies…
Love, Doc Moe
Comment from Diane
Time: April 23, 2008, 4:00 pm
Amy Beth,
Your writing shares your heart so clearly. It touches all of us. Thank you for being so open. That is courage.
I just love you.
Comment from Michele
Time: April 23, 2008, 7:11 pm
Oh, my heart just hurt for you when I read this post. I so remember those days of “sad” singleness. I remember that my contentment and feelings of being single were totally like a rollercoaster. The low points were very low, and I absolutely LOVED the high points. I also remember all the “helpful” comments from people. I heard all the same ones you do, plus many more. Know that God sees the desire of your heart, and believe me girlfriend, He is a God of MIRACLES. I’d love to share my “story” with you sometime, of how He brought me my Wonderful Brazilian Hottie. He knows your tears friend. Here’s a hug from Brazil!!!
Comment from Nicola
Time: November 9, 2008, 8:49 am
I typed into google…….my minister foes not inspire me anymore.
Then a list of different places came up, so I clicked on your site as the title appealed to me. (Please excuse me while I go scrub…etc etc ) and it said
ministry so fabulous.
I read your story, and by the time I got to the bottom of the other readers comments tears rolled down my cheek.
In a short story, I recently went on a mission trip with my minister and others and my minister really disappointed me. I was not being inspired or spiritually fed before the trip, and now even less after his behavior. I am not the only one who feels this way, but I love the family that are my friends at church.
I am seeking Gods guidance on whether to change churches, or just stick it out.
Thank you for your website…..I will be visiting it again and again, but not by accident next time.
Gods blessing to you and this internet ministry that you provide to so many.
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