Ya’ll.

I mean, ya’ll. Ya’ll, ya’ll, ya’ll. Where do I even begin?

The wee child was full of questions from the moment we left her driveway.

“Amy Beth? What if you changed your name and asked people to call you Fingernail Beth? Can I call you that today?”

“How do you spell the letter K?”

“Amy Beth? Why don’t you have a boyfriend? You could kiss him all the time if you had one, you know.”

As we began our approach to the general Pigeon Forge area, what do we see but billboard after billboard for Dolly’s SPLASH COUNTRY. Not Dollywood. Nooooo. That would have been too convenient.

“I wanna go to Splash Country! Plllllllllllllease?”

And so, I made the fatal left hand turn that led us to the land of the splash. When we pulled into the parking lot, there couldn’t have been more than 100 cars there. It was deserted, ya’ll. Of course I thought “Oh, fantastic! No lines!” while the eternal hand of common sense should have reached down to slap me across the face. There weren’t people there because it was COLD.

But off we went, ready to tackle the largest slide first. Now, in my defense, I decided that since MacKenzie was scared of going down any of the slides (which shocked me) that it would be best to do the “worst” one so that we could happily enjoy the rest.

I’m sure all you mothers can guess how that went over.

After exiting that ride with MacKenzie screaming and crying, we headed over to the kiddie area next. She refused to go into the water there, too. So, we went to another kiddie area. No go. Finally, I decided a trip down the lazy river was what we needed.

All I have to say is that we are no longer welcome on the lazy river. Apparently people don’t like to listen to manic screaming while floating on their inner tubes. Who knew?

I didn’t want to force MacKenzie to do anything she was genuinely scared to do, but I felt like she was just testing me. And so, I tested her back. I told her that there was a possibility that we might be enjoying ice cream later after we had gone on all the slides.

She ran towards the nearest 40 ft. drop she could find. And I took a few moments to congratulate myself on having the worst fake-parenting skills ever.

And wouldn’t you know it — wee child l-o-v-e-d the slide. In fact, she loved it so much that we rode it three more times. Thinking she might need a break, I steered us back towards kiddie area # 2 and told her she could play on the toddler slides there.

She looked up at me, scrunched her face together and then let out a wail unlike anything that has ever been heard in the greater Splash Country vicinity. And the sat down right there on the pavement and refused to go anywhere.

By this point, I was so over the whole thing that I just settled into a nearby chair and told her I’d watch her play in the one foot kiddie area or we’d head home. Obviously, I am the poster child for patience with wee children.

Please, send your children to the ministry I direct. Why wouldn’t you with stories like these?

She ended up sitting by herself, occasionally splashing water around but never even smiling. All of the kids around her were riding the small water slides over and over again and all MacKenzie would do is sit and watch. She had gone on and loved one of the biggest slides in the park, but was now letting her fear of something much smaller keep her from doing anything else.

As I sat and watched her, I started thinking about how my decision to take the risk to begin Starlite six years ago was pretty much like going on the big water slide. Even though I haven’t always liked the water that’s splashed in my face, the thrill of doing what God has called me to do has been worth every moment.

But I’ve got a couple of small, kiddie slides in front of me right now that have me frozen in fear. They’re nothing compared to the challenge that the actual creation of Starlite was, but for some reason, they seem impossible to climb and then slide down. I’m watching the other “kids” while I sit on the sidelines.

And so, I’ll be spending some time in the kiddie area. If you’re trying to find me, I’ll probably be the kid at the top of the slide screaming ’cause she doesn’t want to go down. Look for a pink bathing suit.