Shall we observe a moment of silence together?
Since it’s Monday, I figured I should do all my dreaded stuff on the dreaded day. I’m scheduled to start repaying my student loans in July, so I called to get all the lovely details about monthly payments and such.
Now, before I go any further, I would like you to know that I had three scholarships while in school and worked no less than two part-time jobs (separate from Starlite, because remember, I wasn’t being paid for Starlite at the time). I paid as much as I could on my school bill each year, but the rest had to go to student loans.
And so, when the Friendly Loan Officer told me my estimated monthly payment, he had to follow that statement with “M’am? Are you there?” BECAUSE I HAD FAINTED.
Let me try to think of a delicate way to put this… hmm… okay, here’s an analogy: my estimated monthly payment was about 3/4 of what I make doing Starlite each month.
Oh yes it was.
So, Friendly Loan Officer told me he’d be more than happy to stretch out my loan to a 30 year plan. He told me the new amount (which is, interestingly, about 1/4 of what I make from Starlite each month) and told me that I’d be paying that amount for the next 300 months of my life.
I did some quick calculations and found that, by doing his plan, I’d get the pleasure of paying an extra $50,000 in interest over those 300 months. Lovely, no?
And so, I’m have a bit of a sad moment. Just yesterday, I stood on stage at my home church where they congratulated me for getting my master’s degree. And today, I’m staring at a mountain of student loans that seem to mock my decision to be in ministry.
And yet. I still KNOW that I KNOW that I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I’ve got several people who don’t “get” it that want me to go get a better paying job and to just put my “hobby” aside. One well meaning person recently asked me “Don’t you ever want to actually make decent money, Amy Beth?”
Of course I do. But more than that, I want to do what I know I’m meant to do. Even if it doesn’t come with a large paycheck. Even if I have to work a second job just because I want to pay off the loan for the master’s degree that I got to help me in the FIRST job. Even if, even if, even if.
Back when I was in college, wrestling back and forth with the fact that my heart wanted to go into ministry but my mind told me it might not work out financially, I wrote something as part of a paper. I’ve kept this little paragraph nearby since then, because it helps me remember that my calling doesn’t change or become void on the hard days or even when reality comes in the form of a student loan payment. It is one of my favorite things I’ve ever written, mainly because it may be the truest thing I’ve ever written:
“He hasn’t just called me to a greater work; He actively calls me each day to Him and I answer gratefully. I didn’t wake up one morning to find myself faced with the decision of whether or not I want to accept my calling. Instead, I wake up every single morning to the question of obedience. It presents itself again as I step out of the shower, as my key turns in the doorknob leading to my office, as I sit down at my desk. It rings on multiple lines, some of which ring too many times a day. It arrives with a quiet beep, a text message needing answered. It shows up on the face of a college freshman sitting across from me, waiting to hear if she has a place in this ministry. It lands in my mailbox, amidst the bills and magazines and credit card offers. It crowds into my lunch-while-driving and adds itself to my to-do list. It doesn’t wait until I have time to see it, but decides to pencil itself in on my afternoon schedule. It sits at the supper table and enters into my conversations. It is reflected back in the water cupped in my hands and then splashed over my face. It crawls into my bed at night. My calling is to Him and I answer steadily.”
Posted: May 19th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 13
Comments
Comment from Kristen Schiffman
Time: May 19, 2008, 2:25 pm
What you wrote is beautiful. And inspiring to me. I completely feel your heart on this post - my friends, family and strangers (yes, even strangers!) comment on my writing bible studies and ask when I am going to get a “real job” and start making the money this world says I should be making. Some days, it is so hard. So this really encourages me too. Thank you.
Comment from Jenn @ Casa de Castro
Time: May 19, 2008, 3:33 pm
Thank you for this glimpse into your precious heart. I know the Lord is smiling as He thinks of your heart’s desire to minister to young girls and young women. I believe He will pour out His riches from the storehouses of Heaven to meet your needs - financially and otherwise - and make your path straight. You’ve learned there is blessing in obedience.
My husband’s family doesn’t understand our prison ministry work, and they’ve have made many similar comments to us over the years. We choose to view that as an opportunity to tell of God’s goodness instead of being mired in the frustration of misunderstanding.
Run on, dear one. Run on and finish the race strong with your calling clearly running in step with you. It’s a beautiful thing.
Comment from Beth
Time: May 19, 2008, 4:05 pm
Love reading your blog!
He owns the cattle on a thousand hills!
That is what I remind myself when stressed about $!
Comment from Sarah
Time: May 19, 2008, 4:32 pm
Beautifully written, AB. I just said to myself today, after getting off the phone with our Bank of America card, that GOD IS BIGGER THAN BANK OF AMERICA! and He’s bigger than those student loans too 
Here’s praying he knocks both our socks off with how he provides 
Comment from Jamie
Time: May 19, 2008, 4:43 pm
I so loved this post! Don’t be weary in doing well friend, even when it doesn’t come with a big paycheck. I loved when you wrote, “He actively calls me each day to Him and I answer gratefully” It is my prayer too, that I will answer gratefully. Your blog has encouraged me today!
Comment from Tiffany
Time: May 19, 2008, 6:58 pm
This is beautiful, Amy Beth. I truly admire you for being so willing to follow God’s calling for your life. I believe that God is going to bless you greatly! And you know what…He’s going to work out all that financial stuff too. He always seems to make things work out for the best.
Comment from Natalie Witcher
Time: May 19, 2008, 7:55 pm
You got it girl. Ministry may not pay much here, but on the flip side, look out!
Comment from Jenna
Time: May 19, 2008, 10:11 pm
Oh, the student loans. I know them all too well.
But as much as thinking about them makes me want to cry, reading what you wrote reminds me that the loans are not the issue. God’s already taking care of those. Our job is to just keep on following and listening to Him.
LOVED this post.
Comment from Cindy-Still His Girl
Time: May 20, 2008, 8:50 am
Beautiful, girl.
I still cringe each month with the payment to my student loans. And I’ve been out of school for 14 years! Ugh. But I keep telling myself it is worth it. Your mistake here? Figuring out the interest. DON’T DO IT! Better to live in ignorance or denial here, I think.
My dad isn’t a believer and often brings up the fact that if Scott wasn’t in ministry, we could make more money. More like our friends. REALLY?! I had no idea!!
I have a feeling you’ll be greatly rewarded.
Comment from Brandy T.
Time: May 20, 2008, 11:44 am
Think about it this way… You’re like the Bill Gates of Heaven.
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: May 20, 2008, 2:41 pm
My calling is motherhood right now. (Which is something I never thought I’d say back when I was your age.) So I relate.
Keep your eyes on Jesus, AB. Hebrews 12:1-3
Comment from Kerri
Time: May 21, 2008, 1:06 pm
I found your through WFMW and I thought I’d browse around to see what you’re all about. This post was such a blessing to me!
Comment from Amy
Time: May 26, 2008, 9:32 pm
I feel like I just read poetry. Very well written. I really appreciate your heart for ministry. And this post was just plain beautiful.
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