I just hope He doesn’t try to steal my covers tonight.
Since this past Friday night when I first walked into Avey’s hospital room, I’ve been watching the skin all over her tiny body break out in a horrible rash. In fact, it has been so bad at times that we couldn’t touch her because even our fingertips caused her to scream in pain. It’s a rash so bad that they have to give her morphine for it; I don’t know any other way to explain the severity of her skin at this point.
Late last night, after Avey had woken up when a nurse came to check on her, she looked at me and said “You get in bed wif me?” I lowered the gate on the side of the bed and carefully crawled in, trying to avoid all of the cords hooked to her little body. Once we got settled, I turned out the light only to hear Avey say “You sing to me now?”
Since there was no one else around to hear, I did sing. She specifically requested “Jesus Loves Me” but I also threw in a bonus track of a song I wrote on the spot about a beautiful princess named Avey who took her pink bunny rabbit on a field trip to the hospital so he could feel better.
In other words, if you’re having a hard time reaching me, it is just ’cause I’m on a call with yet another record company hoping to sign me to a lifetime contract.
When I finished my concert with an audience of one, I wasn’t surprised to see that little Avey was asleep. Her little pink gown was hanging off her and, there in the glow of the IV monitor, I saw that her rash was looking worse than ever.
We’re about to go somewhere hard. I just want to warn you in case you don’t want to go with me.
As I lay looking at it, I couldn’t help but think of every story of sexual abuse I have ever heard. Their stories are all different, but I’ve noticed one thing that knits them together: they all try to tell me about just how dirty they still feel. How scarred and disfigured and just ugly they imagine they are now.
About how the shower with the water that scalded their skin couldn’t take the feel of his hands away.
I’ve heard it from girls who are finishing college and from girls who are just then moving into their freshman dorms. I’ve heard it from a woman in her seventies and, tragically, from a nine year old.
I’ve heard a familiar voice say it, too, that day that I sat in a counseling office wishing the floor would swallow me whole as I whispered words that seemed to choke me.
The truth is, no matter how many counselors or friends or even family tell you that you’re the same girl as before, you really aren’t. They’ll tell you that you’re clean and that no one sees the abuse when they look at you. But you still see it and are a bit afraid that you’ll always find it staring back at you when you look into the mirror each morning.
I, like many other girls I know, did all the right things. I read the recommended books, went to all the counseling appointments, even screamed my anger out at God on several late night drives down dark roads. And as the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I knew that things were better.
That was, until one Saturday night when the boy sitting on the couch beside me told me that I shouldn’t worry — he would date me even though I was damaged.
As I sat there blinded by what I was hearing, he quickly told me not to get defensive — after all, he explained, there weren’t that many guys out there who would even be with someone like me. It was a definite turn off, he concluded, but wasn’t I lucky to have him?
All I have to say about that night is that he should feel lucky the door didn’t hit him as I walked out.
I was replaying that conversation over in my mind last night as I lay looking at Avey’s rash. What I saw on her was exactly what I imagined others saw on me when they heard my story. And the truth is that getting over my perception of being covered in a symbolic rash left me afraid that no one would ever want to touch me again. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking that something done to me out of my control would cost me any love I could hope to have down the road.
And yet.
There is nothing in the world that I wanted to do last night more than gather little Avey into my arms and hold her. When I looked at her laying in those white sheets, I didn’t see something damaged. I didn’t see used goods. I didn’t see ugly.
I saw beauty. I saw what God saw.
I finally understand what He sees when He crawls into my bed each night. And in a few minutes, when I close the lid to this laptop and turn out my lamp, I’ve got only one question for Him.
“You get in bed wif me tonight?”
For more WFMW posts, go here.
Posted: June 2nd, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 36
Comments
Comment from Tami
Time: June 2, 2008, 9:53 pm
I don’t even know you but I’ve been a blog fan of yours for months. Just today as I was walking down the hallway of my church…you came to mind. What I wouldn’t do to have you at our church. With your passion, your drive and your love for God…you truly are amazing. Don’t you miss *one* thing God has for you missy!!! Each day is a win and you kick satan in the pants a little harder with each day you move forward. He is sorry he ever messed with you. That I can tell you. 
oh and “idiot boy”….clearly was not worthy of the choice prize sitting next to him.. You Rock on girl…you rock on hard for Jesus.
Tami
Comment from jenelle howe
Time: June 2, 2008, 10:05 pm
amazing words again ab, thank you for being so open about your story, i love you and am always here to talk!
Comment from Another Jenn C
Time: June 2, 2008, 10:20 pm
I just had to wipe the tears away so that I could see myself in the mirror of your words. Being almost 30 years away from my “rash,” I can say with great confidence that God has made me whole and He gave me a husband who can’t find the scars or the rash or the dirt to spite himself. He clearly understands that the tapestry of my life is comprised of both beautifully colored threads AND ugly knots. It takes both to make a tapestry. Your husband will only be able to see the beauty God has created from ashes.
Thank you for sharing your heart. You’ve ministered to mine.
Comment from Kristen Schiffman
Time: June 2, 2008, 10:24 pm
I am stilled and awed by your words. They tear at my heart and yet speak of such eternal beauty. You shine with the fingerprints of Christ’s passion, purpose and promise so deeply - I am literally left awed before Him. You’ve so been on my heart lately - and for someone way too unemotional like I (lol) I’ve been shocked at the emotion the Lord has poured into my heart for you. I’ve been praying…
Restoration reigns. And with Him beauty for ashes.
You shine like the stars, girl. With the promise of something so much more… certainly not anything less.
Comment from Mandy
Time: June 2, 2008, 10:27 pm
I pray often for God to give me His “vision”…let me see people how He sees them. I sometimes see the most beautiful people in the most unlikely places. Problem is, I forget to apply that vision when I look at myself.
Beautiful post. Brought me to tears.
Comment from Beth
Time: June 2, 2008, 11:14 pm
God knows who your soulmate is. He knows his name and where he is right now and God knows the exact moment to introduce him to you. You know this.
It may not happen tomorrow or next week or even in the next year. But it will happen and it will happen according to God’s plan.
Just have faith that it will happen. And when it does, when you meet your soulmate, he will sweep you off your feet, treat you like the princess you are and thank God for bringing you into his life.
Your soulmate will realize that your past life experiences, good and bad, are what has shaped and molded you and made you the fantastic person standing before him. He will not judge, he will not llook at you as if you are “dirty” or “damaged”. When what happened to you years ago is revealed to your soulmate, he will hold you, he will cry with you, he will tell you he is sooo sorry. And then he will support you in whatever you need to do to make yourself realize that this part of your past does not need to define your future.
Trust me. I know. My soulmate did this for me on a night long ago when I told him about my “rash”.
I don’t “know” you in person Amy Beth but I love you…one sister to another.
Comment from Sherilyn
Time: June 3, 2008, 8:17 am
Sometimes it may seem hard to wait for God’s timing, but it’s always perfect timing. We all have to go through things that make us into who we are, getting us ready for what God has planned for us. If I hadn’t gone through hard times in my teens, I never would have been willing to accept some of the things about my husband.
God is doing great things through you & b/c you have been through those hard times, you can minister to others who have been through it as well. You have an amazing ministry & you are touching girls’ lives in ways that no one else can.
Comment from Melody
Time: June 3, 2008, 8:30 am
Amazing. I love reading your blog. You are such a wonderful, God-driven young woman. I wish I was more like you…because you are so truly gifted and blessed.
Comment from Lauren
Time: June 3, 2008, 8:35 am
Amazing. Absolutely amazing ab. I am, again, speechleess.
Comment from Brandy T.
Time: June 3, 2008, 8:49 am
That boy brought out the mama bear in me. Can I have his phone number? Address? Social Security number? I could do some serious damage…
In the meantime, I want you to know that I love you so much! You’ve got me crying right in the middle of class! =(
And, can I second EVERYTHING that Beth said?! When “the one” comes along, he will hurt with you. He will cry with you. He will walk with you. And he will be a part of the healing that God is doing in you. All the while, he will see you as God sees you: a beautiful princess who tracks down to hospitals to sing songs about pink bunnies.
You are amazing, Amy Beth! I love you!
Comment from Sarah
Time: June 3, 2008, 9:02 am
I can’t match the others comments…I second all of them.
I pray that you read them, and really hear them. God’s speaking right to you, through them.
You are anything but damaged. Your inner beauty radiates from you…in pics and in your writing, it really is amazing.
Comment from Cindy
Time: June 3, 2008, 12:09 pm
Without a doubt one of the best blog posts I have EVER read. You are beautiful, sweet AB. Beautiful, adored, rescued, redeemed, amazing. So many times I think WOW- what delight our Father must take in you!
Comment from Beth P
Time: June 3, 2008, 12:37 pm
WOw! That is all I can say!
Comment from Amanda Wootten
Time: June 3, 2008, 1:59 pm
All I can think of is this song…
“God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, He’s so good to me! He loves me so, He loves me so, He loves me so He’s so good to me.”
Thank you God for sweet Amy Beth! Thank you that you are using her to reach untold numbers of gilrs with Your love. Comfort her as she waits for Your PERFECT man. Thank you that No One can love us the way You do. You are so good!
In Jesus’ name
Amen
Comment from Amy
Time: June 3, 2008, 2:37 pm
Yeah. What they said.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
Comment from Kim Heinecke
Time: June 3, 2008, 4:52 pm
That’s beautiful.
Comment from Christy
Time: June 3, 2008, 8:04 pm
As a counselor I read your words and cry because I see those girls everyday and I have to be honest and tell them no they will not be the same…and you know what I don’t think any of you should be. It’s just not fair to ask that of anyone…especially something that shames you so deep inside. We should be the one’s changing, those of us who judge and condemn (including that stupid boy who needs a hit upside the head!) and see you as less because YOU ARE NOT you have just had a different life with other scars that are deeper and more painful. (I sure hope that made sense)
You described beautifully the love of a Heavenly Father who sees past all of that “rash” and into the real heart of you.
What a beautiful, authentic post Amy Beth and from one sister to another, Much love.
Comment from chickadee
Time: June 4, 2008, 7:28 am
amazing post. you brought tears to my eyes.
Comment from Lisa Whittle
Time: June 4, 2008, 8:08 am
This was a beautiful post…thanks for your courage in sharing your heart and thoughts with women. There is such strength in seeing yourself as God sees you!
Rich blessings and tons of grace!
Lisa
Comment from halfmoon girl
Time: June 4, 2008, 8:26 am
What a beautiful, beautiful post! Thank you for having the courage to write it. I will never forget the picture you gave me of your overwhelming love for that sweet little girl, and how God feels the same way. How is Avey?
Comment from Jess
Time: June 4, 2008, 8:28 am
this post was really…really…beautiful. i have been scarred and felt the love of Jesus come in…thank you for your words…
love
jess
Comment from Gayle
Time: June 4, 2008, 8:35 am
Oh, girl…I just wish that I could give you a great big hug right now. How beautiful you are inside and out. I just know our God sings over you
Comment from Ronnica
Time: June 4, 2008, 9:28 am
Cindy sent me your way and I enjoyed this sad, beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
I love your writing…I’ll definitely be stopping by more!
Comment from Classic Mama
Time: June 4, 2008, 10:29 am
Beautiful. I can’t exactly identify with you in regard to abuse, but I can in regard to feeling like I was damaged goods. I was young and pregnant and felt like I would never be loved. Thankfully, Jesus crawled in bed with me, too, and became more than I ever thought I deserved. Bless you and your little one.
Comment from Natalie Witcher
Time: June 4, 2008, 11:33 am
My eyebrows went up as if to say, “Come again?” when you wrote what that stupid boy said. You, my dear, are a treasure. Snuggle in and read Isaiah 45:3
Comment from Emily
Time: June 4, 2008, 1:05 pm
I’m hopping over from the divine miss Cindy…
I bet that all just came out of you, didn’t it. It was effortless when all was said or done? That’s ’cause it was from Him.
Comment from Grace4Gayle
Time: June 4, 2008, 9:40 pm
Wow! Wow! Wow!
I followed miss Cindy’s link and wanted to let you know how beautiful that was.
Comment from Angela
Time: June 5, 2008, 8:34 am
absolutely beautiful!
Comment from Rachelle
Time: June 9, 2008, 11:05 am
beautiful post. thank you for sharing your heart.
Comment from Amanda
Time: June 18, 2008, 10:48 pm
I have some choice words for that young man. Well I don’t think “man” is the right word. Real men don’t act that way.
Comment from loving me
Time: June 19, 2008, 12:17 pm
Wow, I feel your pain.
Comment from Tara
Time: June 19, 2008, 12:47 pm
Thank you for your post.. the transparent, authentic way this was written touch my heart a bit. How true it is..and how easy it is to believe that we deserve less, when we buy into the false view that we are damaged goods… God’s view is what matters. Thanks again..
Comment from Julie Todd
Time: June 20, 2008, 1:43 pm
You are an amazing woman. I was captivated by this post.
You are a true beauty. The King is enthralled with your beauty.
Beauty just emanates from your words. I don’t know how I found you, but I am glad I did. I hope you don’t mind that I add your blog to my favorite blogs…I want to come back here…
Your heart, your words, your beautiful spirit is inviting me back.
Hugs,
Julie
Comment from Laurel Diacogiannis
Time: October 1, 2008, 2:28 am
What a post! I just discovered your blog and am blessed by the beautiful young lady that you are, and the work that the Lord is doing in you and through you.
I want to let you know, that I was sexually abused 31 years ago. I clearly remember the pain, and the wondering if I could be fully loved. I also want to let you know that the Lord brought me the most amazing husband. We have been married for 26 years, and we have 13 (yes, thirteen) beautiful children. God is GOOD!
Blessings,
Laurel
Comment from Heather
Time: October 21, 2008, 11:14 pm
Wow…
I just wanted you to know I found you through Lysa’s site… came to read one post, and have been here for 20+ minutes… I will be back.
I am in the midst of working through the multiple things that caused the “rash” for me… i know… and understand those feelings… slowly getting better.
thank you for being so open and real… for being willing to share your experiences so that others can see the hope, the Truth, and their Savior who will make them clean and whole… pure and holy.
God bless,
Heather
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