What happens behind my camera.
Loving MacKenzie is one of the hardest things God has ever asked me to do.
She, of course, is loveable. The circumstances surrounding her life aren’t.
And so, every single time I pull into her driveway to pick her up, I wonder if she’ll remember that day later on.
I put her car seat in place, slip the belt around it and wonder if she’ll remember my touch.
I take her to the aquarium just so she can see a penguin. She’s never seen one before.
We go to the candy store and fill a bag with everything and anything within reach. Will she remember that I let her get extra gummy bears?
I surprise her with tickets to the movies. When the lights go down, she crawls into my lap.
I assume she’s asleep until I hear her say “Why didn’t God let you be my mommy?” I tell her I don’t know and then silently beg that same God to not let her remember having to ask me that question.
I wonder if she’ll remember our days together because I’m afraid she won’t. I’m afraid she’ll wake up one morning years from now, deeply hurt that she doesn’t have a mother to ask about her childhood. That she’ll grow angry with God as the bitter one tells her that no one loved her as a child, that her childhood passed without mattering.
And so, when he does begin whispering those lies to her, I plan to be standing nearby with a thousand photos that prove otherwise. I’ll hand her physical evidence that someone — not her mother, but someone female, someone maternal — did love her.
Every little bit of her.
Posted: July 7th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 35
Comments
Comment from Jenni I
Time: July 7, 2008, 7:45 pm
AmyBeth, thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your life, and giving up space in your heart to follow God’s will and love (and love on) this little girl… and also sharing her preciousness with us.
It’s a blessing. Truly.
Thank you.
-jenni-
ps. Could I talk to you about a ministry idea God’s been laying on my heart sometime soon? I’d like your opinion and thoughts.
Comment from amykay
Time: July 7, 2008, 9:04 pm
i don’t think it’s very easy to forget unconditional love… especially when, like you said, you’ll still be there giving it to her.
Comment from Beth
Time: July 7, 2008, 9:10 pm
MacKenzie is a very lucky girl to have you in her life but you are also lucky that God placed this little child in your heart to help raise and mold. Trust me, she will remember you always. She may not remember the actual events you two shared together but she will remember the feeling of love and well-being and of being cared for that she felt when she was with you.
Comment from Jenn @ Casa de Castro
Time: July 7, 2008, 9:11 pm
She’ll remember. I guarantee it. If the young girls we visit in prison had ANYONE they could remember paying positive attention to them, even occasionally, their worlds would be different.
You are writing on the pages of her fragile heart, whispering God’s love – and yours – in ways she will treasure forever. The beautiful photos you’ve taken will preserve special moments in time, and every time she looks at them she will KNOW she was and is loved. You are modeling godly Christian behavior in front of her, and she will learn to love partly because you have loved her. She’s a little girl who is blessed in ways she can’t yet imagine because she’s had you in her life.
But I bet the blessing is yours….
Comment from Kim
Time: July 7, 2008, 9:24 pm
She won’t forget…the Holy Spirit will whisper the memories into her mind just when she needs them most. Our Father wastes nothing.
Comment from Sarah
Time: July 7, 2008, 10:16 pm
I’m with Kim…those moments with you are already etched in her mind and on her heart…you are making a difference.
Comment from Kim Heinecke
Time: July 7, 2008, 10:33 pm
You’re making a difference.
Comment from Jennifer
Time: July 7, 2008, 10:35 pm
First, those pics are awesome. Second, I think it is amazing that you are in her life and I know the Father will not let her forget.
Comment from Kelli
Time: July 7, 2008, 11:12 pm
I just found your blog the other day and have been reading it a lot! You are such an amazing Christian woman and what you do for these girls is amazing. She will remember you…. you can’t forget that kind of kindness.
Comment from Christy
Time: July 7, 2008, 11:25 pm
That was beautiful and I have no doubt that she will remember you because of who our Father is…and I agree with Kim when she needs it most the Holy Spirit is going to remind her of those times (and those photos will help…they are fabulous.)
I will be praying for you and that sweet girl.
Comment from Christy
Time: July 7, 2008, 11:26 pm
P.S.
Aren’t the hardest things God ask us to do sometimes the very sweetest things in our lives 
)
Comment from Amanda
Time: July 7, 2008, 11:47 pm
Beautiful.
Comment from Cindy
Time: July 8, 2008, 1:01 am
I triple quadruple quintuple heart you.
Praying for that sweet girl right now.
Comment from Michelle
Time: July 8, 2008, 1:33 am
That’s really beautiful.
Comment from Michelle
Time: July 8, 2008, 3:59 am
you are a beautiful, inspiring woman AB.
the gifts the Lord lavishes on us are never wasted, & you are a gift in this precious little girl’s life. i have a feeling that she will always be incredibly thankful for you.
what a blessing it will be for you to see who she is 20 years down the road, & to know that you’ve impacted her journey as a woman. Jesus is using you for a reason. 
Comment from Brandy T
Time: July 8, 2008, 7:20 am
Did you take those pictures? They are AMAZING!!! You’re such an amazing person, AB… and not just ’cause of the pictures.
Comment from Mandy
Time: July 8, 2008, 8:24 am
What a sweet love story…she will remember ALL OF IT.
Comment from Gayle
Time: July 8, 2008, 8:31 am
Oh Amy Beth, it is so wrong to make me cry like this before coffee.
Thank God for you…and I KNOW she will remember every single bit of it.
Comment from Darlene
Time: July 8, 2008, 8:49 am
Hi! This is my first time commenting on your blog. You seem like a beautiful woman. I have a cousin that has a dim future because of the environment that she is living in. She lives too far away for me to go a pick up (I got to see her while we were on vacation last week), but I hope that I can be a light in her world. Her situation breaks my heart.
I’m sure MacKenzie will never forget you.
Comment from Diane
Time: July 8, 2008, 8:54 am
She’ll remember your love for her. The “mom” and “dad” who loved me when my own didn’t or couldn’t made up for what was missing in my life. That is exactly how I came to believe in our Father…He gave me people who loved me when my own parents didn’t. She will remember, and know.
Comment from Ronnica
Time: July 8, 2008, 10:08 am
Thanks for the morning cry. That might sound sarcastic (especially if you knew me), but it’s not. It’s important to keep things in perspective, and this post helped me do that.
Thank you for loving on this precious girl.
Comment from Jamie
Time: July 8, 2008, 11:41 am
What a treasure you are! You are making an impact on the heart of this young girl that I’m sure won’t be forgotten. And the pictures…they are beautiful.
Comment from Melody
Time: July 8, 2008, 1:57 pm
Those pictures are amazing! AB, you leave me touched and challenged.
Comment from kellie
Time: July 8, 2008, 5:13 pm
I’m at a loss for words…so i’ll just say this…
thank you…
Comment from Bethany
Time: July 8, 2008, 7:34 pm
Oh Amy Beth. She will remember, and prayerfully one day she will know that the amazing love you are showing her is a dim reflection of the love the Father lavishes on His children.
You don’t have to give birth, adopt or foster to be a mother. You just have to love a child. Thank you for standing in the gap for this beautiful little girl, especially though it breaks your heart.
May God continue to bless you as He blesses her through you,
Bethany
Comment from Beth
Time: July 8, 2008, 11:52 pm
Beautiful pictures, amazing story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment from EveryChapter
Time: July 9, 2008, 12:58 am
Gorgeous photos- I’ll be checking back. Thank you so much for sharing.
Comment from forgetfulone
Time: July 9, 2008, 3:26 am
That was a fabulous post. I can’t wait to read more from you.
Comment from Carol
Time: July 9, 2008, 9:01 am
Beautiful and moving! The photos are amazing. God bless your precious heart.
Comment from Nichole
Time: July 9, 2008, 9:13 am
I don’t know the story behind this post, but I do know that little girl is blessed to have someone in her life who cares. And those photos are gorgeous.
Comment from denise
Time: July 9, 2008, 10:48 am
wow
Comment from Mrs. Querido
Time: July 9, 2008, 2:20 pm
Your writing is moving and your photography is amazing. You are blessing McKenzie and blessings are not easily forgotten by children.
Comment from nqmkzn
Time: February 15, 2009, 2:54 pm
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Comment from Cassidy
Time: July 7, 2008, 7:37 pm
you are one of my most favoritest people