Sunday afternoon drive.
I’m not sure if there’s such a thing as loving too hard, but if there is, I’m guilty of it. I’ve only been in love once, so I had no idea that perhaps I was loving too hard.
I met him on my first day of college when he sat down at the desk behind me. Over the next four years of college, we hit all the high and low points — from not being able to go a few hours without speaking to going 1.5 years without a word passed between us.
And then, the evening after I walked across the stage to receive my master’s degree, he called. By the time we ended that call, I knew we would give it one last chance together.
I just didn’t expect to fall in love.
But that’s exactly what happened. For the first time in our 5+ year relationship, I knew that I really loved him. And he loved me, too.
Perhaps that’s why it was so hard to end things only a short time later. It won’t make sense to you, since you don’t know the whole story, but I knew that God was not pleased with me staying in the relationship. And, for the first time that I can remember, I defiantly disobeyed Him.
Here I was, loved for the first time and God was asking me to hand that over to Him? Well, no. I just wasn’t going to do that. And furthermore, how dare He try to take love away from me?
If only I had of known what He was trying to protect me from.
It was only a few days later that certain things began to come to light that proved just how right God’s instructions to me had been. The details aren’t really mine to share, so there’s no way for you to understand what a grave mistake I was in the process of making through my disobedience.
One night, while driving to his house, I turned off on a different road, one that lead to a church in my town that had their sanctuary open all night on that cold Friday evening. I slipped inside and found a quiet corner of the room for myself.
And then I stayed for five hours.
I knew walking into the sanctuary that I was walking in with the feeling of being loved by someone. And, I knew that when I walked out, I would have left that comfortable feeling at the altar. It was my own Isaac being sacrificed at the altar, except I knew that God wouldn’t tell me to stop as He told Abraham all those years ago. My sacrifice would be accepted that night, no matter how many tears it took to place it before Him.
Even though it was in the middle of the night when I left the sanctuary, I drove straight to his house because I knew that I had to be done. I couldn’t stand living in disobedience to God for even an hour longer.
It ended as you’d expect it to — tears, anger, disappointment, resentment and bitterness. Some of that was mine; some his. When I saw him a few months later, he told me that he was fine, that he had moved on from it.
I hadn’t.
It wasn’t him that I couldn’t move on from — it was the sense of being loved. When you come from an abusive background like I have, you desperately need to be loved by the hands of God… and by human hands, too.
I know that isn’t what we want to hear. We want to tell others, to tell ourselves, that all we need is the love of God. That we don’t need human love.
But if that’s true, then why… well, why did God send Himself in human form to show the greatest display of love the world has ever seen?
I think He wants me to have that human love. I believe that He has someone for me. I believe that I’ll get to experience that lifetime of human love. Someday. Not today, but someday.
But until then, I still have Sunday afternoons when I’m alone. I know that, if I chose disobedience, my Sunday afternoons wouldn’t be lonely. He and I shared them, you know. That was supposed to be our day together each week. It was ours.
And so, when I was driving home this quiet Sunday afternoon alone, I was surprised to hear a holy voice that I recognize as His ask a question that only He is entitled to at this time in my life.
“Would you mind taking the long way home, Amy Beth? I like spending my Sunday afternoons with you.”
Posted: July 27th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 19
Comments
Comment from Kristen Schiffman
Time: July 27, 2008, 9:57 pm
Beautiful, Amy Beth…the beauty in surrender.
Comment from trs
Time: July 27, 2008, 9:57 pm
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I needed to read that. I’m 38, really in love for the first time but feeling that something is not right.
Since January, I have geared up to break up - many times. But I just can’t make myself do it.
And I don’t know if it’s because I’m not supposed to - or if I’m scared of having to look for love again.
There is no one undeniable thing that is wrong. No reason we shouldn’t make a happy life together. Just a pile of little things, and another pile of questions.
I pray that God’s voice becomes crystal clear to me, as it was for you in that church.
Many blessings on you! You’re FABULOUS!
Comment from Leslie Ruth
Time: July 27, 2008, 10:02 pm
Oh girl, you are on a beyond wonderful journey. I’m thankful you are listening to His voice and seeing yourself how He sees you. That is one of the BEST things you can soak in and take with you into marriage. Those Sunday afternoons with Him will still be precious and necessary even then. Thanks for sharing and reminding me of what I need to be soaking in as well.
Comment from Natalie @ I AM (not)
Time: July 27, 2008, 10:02 pm
mmm, that kind of obedience usually come with blood, sweat, and tears. You have no idea what will be coming your way because of it. Abraham ended up with descendents to numerous to count.
Comment from Cindy
Time: July 27, 2008, 10:46 pm
I’m so proud of you.
God will bless your obedience over and over and over again, I am confident.
He wants the BEST for you. Can you even begin to imagine what/who the BEST is He has in store for you?!
Comment from Big Mama
Time: July 27, 2008, 11:13 pm
This sounds so familiar. Just you wait, you have no idea what He has in store for you. It’s going to beyond all you can ask or imagine.
Comment from Jenn @ Casa de Castro
Time: July 27, 2008, 11:19 pm
There is blessing in obedience, AB. If you don’t feel that right now, you will KNOW it in God’s timing. I’m glad you spent your Sunday afternoon with Him.
Comment from Lisa @ put-it-on-the-list
Time: July 27, 2008, 11:49 pm
You are not the only FABULOUS single chick I know who, hello? Why has no one snapped you up yet? I ask the same thing about my best friend. But I know a little bit about God’s timing, and I’m confident His will for you (and for H) is perfect — much better than my plans.
You rock on with your God-loving self, AB. Hang with God. He knows what He’s doing.
Comment from AnnieBlogs
Time: July 28, 2008, 12:47 am
Love you.
Comment from Vicky
Time: July 28, 2008, 1:18 am
Beautiful. I understand. I too look forward to the days of Sundays with someone special (as well as 6 other days of the week).
We were just talking in church today that God DID create us for human relationships… fellowship… community. My pastor said, “it’s not an either/ or situation, it’s a both/ and situation.” We need BOTH God AND people.
How cool that God reminded me of this TWICE today. 
Thank you again for sharing your heart.
Comment from Bethany
Time: July 28, 2008, 2:14 am
Amy Beth… God will bless your obedience in ways far beyond your imagining.
Comment from Mandy
Time: July 28, 2008, 8:38 am
You always have a way of making me cry first thing in the morning.
First about Tyler & now this. =)
Comment from Paula
Time: July 28, 2008, 10:22 am
Amy Beth, I came here via Jenn’s blog. I was drawn by this post and intrigued as I read. What wonderful obedience you displayed in this story.
I’ve had so many people tell me during my rough times this last year that all I need is God and His love. I rejoice to hear you say that we too need human love. Praise the Lord for those sweet words. Of course, the advise of only needed God and His love has come from those with untrialed lives at the time. Be in the midst of the most horrific pain of your life and then see if we can still give that advice to only need/want God’s love. It’s a whole another story, isn’t it.
Thank you for this encouragement today and comfort of knowing another does understand the need for human love.
In Him,
Paula
Comment from Andrea@Cup of Jesus
Time: July 28, 2008, 12:17 pm
Beautiful post. I know what its like to give up that love. But I am so glad I did, because God had someone so much better waiting for me! But either way, I knew I needed to be putting Him first, because His really is the best love of all.
And I picked you for a bloggy award, by the way! You’re definitely fabulous!
Comment from Ronnica
Time: July 28, 2008, 12:36 pm
Touching story. I’ve been there (holding onto something in disobedience), too. It’s a great reminder of his love for us.
Comment from Jennifer
Time: July 28, 2008, 3:12 pm
Oh girl, you sure can write. Those last few sentences made me tear up and I was headed for the ugly cry! Proud of you for being obedient even when it’s hard.
Comment from Katie
Time: July 28, 2008, 3:26 pm
I want to print this out and hang it where I can see it everyday. You are so insightful. I’m right there with you, I’ve experienced the same thing. Only I didn’t surrender to God as you did, and it took God to pull him out of my life. I’m so glad that you choose to be obedient rather than have it go down the way mine did. So here I am on my 28th b-day, fearing the big 3-0 as a single girl! Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder that God is the one I can put my hope in.
Comment from Christine
Time: July 28, 2008, 7:20 pm
Such a terrific insight! And you are so blessed to have recognized it and heeded that voice at this point in your life. God’s timing is indeed perfect and He WILL bless you beyond your wildest imagination! I was single until I was 26. And by single I mean completely date-free. I went thru high school and college and not a single date, although I did go to my senior prom with a friend. I had not a single date, let alone a relationship until I was nearly 27 years old. Needless to say, I felt more than a little unworthy. In hindsight, 10 years later, I can see God’s hand in those lonely years and what he was preparing me for. I come from a very loving family and that need for a relationship was as strong in me as I can see by your post that it is in you. It is one of the primary things God made us for. He will deliver and it will be awesome!
Comment from Beth
Time: July 29, 2008, 8:49 pm
Beautiful.
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