The forgiveness chair.
Note: I wrote this post several weeks ago, but just couldn’t decide whether I wanted to post it then or not. I saved it as a draft until I thought the time was right. And I think the time is now perfectly right.
I haven’t been feeling like myself for the last couple of days, probably because I had An Upsetting Incident Over The Weekend. Nothing too big but it was enough to rock my little emotional world for the last two days. I am and have been working very hard not to live for the approval of man, but having someone in your own family thrust their disapproval of you right in front of your face isn’t what I’d call Weekend O’ Fun.
Instead of just letting that person’s hurtful comments roll off my back and forgiving them, I spent the better part of Sunday night and all day Monday thinking about what they said and getting hurt all over again and then REPEATING THE PROCESS.
I am here to tell you that the only process I should have been repeating was the whole shampoo, rinse and repeat deal because my new shampoo is UNBELIEVABLE. Seriously, ya’ll.
Anyway, the whole thing made me think about The Forgiveness Chair That No Longer Sits In My Bedroom Because It Broke And We Sold It In A Particular Starlite Yard Sale.
I love caps.
Anyway, I used to have this little black chair in my bedroom that went with my desk. One night about a year ago, I was (once again) thinking about a situation with A Boy. I just couldn’t seem to forgive him for something he had done while we were together (by this time we had been apart for AWHILE). I was so frustrated that I kept carrying around that junk, so in a fit of (dare I say it) wisdom, I pulled that desk chair out and promptly sat down on the floor in front of it.
It took me a few minutes, but I finally made myself picture him sitting in the chair waiting for me to speak. I thought long and hard before I said and thing, but finally, I made myself tell “him” — out loud — that I forgave him. I even asked for his forgiveness for holding judgment against him for so long. And when I knew that I had truly forgiven him, I pictured him getting off that chair and walking right out my bedroom door.
Since then, I have (literally) worn the forgiveness chair out. Don’t get me wrong — there are many times when forgiveness needs to be handled in “real life” — especially when I need to ask someone to forgive me. But over the last year, as God and I have been walking some rocky paths while trying to make sense of things that were done to me over the years, He and I have spent some quality time sitting on the floor beside that chair.
When I took my Starlite leaders on retreat a few months ago, I introduced the forgiveness chair to them. I explained how I did the whole forgiveness chair thing, but as I was describing it, I felt like God wanted us to do things a bit differently that night.
And so, instead of asking my girls to sit on the floor in front of the forgiveness chair, I asked them to sit in the chair. And then, in a moment that had the potential to go down in Starlite history as Most Awkward Moment Ever, I knelt down in front of the chair.
As each of them sat in the chair, I would look them in the eye and say some version of “I am the person who has hurt you. I am the person who has made you cry, who made you feel helpless, who abused you. I am that person. And now, I’m asking you to forgive me for everything I’ve done to you.”
One thing I’ve learned from working with girls is that a world of hurts can be eased with the simple act of someone asking for forgiveness on behalf of the person who was actually responsible for the hurt. Had I made those girls cry, feel helpless, abused them? Of course not. But someone likely had and, more than likely, that someone would never kneel before them and ask for their forgiveness.
As each one of them sat in the chair, I would pray for God to give me the exact right words to say to them. I wish you could have been in that room to see the tears flow as God dealt with tremendous hurts that they were holding onto in their hearts. It took hours to pray for them but no one cared. And, when we were done, I pulled out a loaf of bread and some grape juice and we took Communion together, right there in that hotel suite.
All 22 of us.
We did something similar to this in Master’s Commission. Several staff members stood in the place of a mother, a father, a pastor and repented. One of the most moving things I’ve ever experienced.
What a beautiful, visual, tangible image of forgiveness!! Praise God for giving you the insight and yes, wisdom, to do this with your girls.
I remember one area in my life where I really struggled with forgiving someone who had hurt me and more importantly, my family. Yes, the Lord tells us in His Word to forgive. Yes, I knew it was right and reasonable. But, I couldn’t do it. Then one day a very loving and wise person pointed out to me that the ONLY person suffering from my unforgiveness was… me. The person who hurt my family didn’t care that I was “stuck” and paralyzed by my unforgiveness, nor did that person care that my inability (or more accurately, my unwillingness) to forgive was keeping me from complete fellowship with the Lord.
How liberating and life-giving it was to finally forgive!!
Thanks, AB, for this inspiring and beautiful post and for sharing more of your very precious, God-shaped heart.
I’m sure that was absolutely amazing. I have goosebumps just reading it.
You know, that exercise would be great, especially for me. Some of the people that I need to forgive, don’t even know that they’ve done anything wrong. They probably wouldn’t even remember the thing that hurt me in the first place.
I second Mandy.
just last night i was talking about a friend of mine that spoke some very hurtful and disrespectful words to me a few months ago… and then never addressed it again. our friendship has definitely changed, and i know it would have turned out differently had she asked for forgiveness. i have forgiven her, but our relationship will always be different. i think, especially for girls, that it’s MORE hurtful to feel like that person doesn’t even care enough about you to recognize that they have hurt you. what an amazing experience for your girls (and you!) to get that recognition and validation of their pain. how bold of you to share your own pain, and in doing that, allow your girls to let go of theirs.
AB- remembering those moments through this post brings tears to my eyes.
I can’t put into words how monumental that moment was -for me- for 21 other friends, sisters, leaders.
It was a breakthrough moment. Thank you for your humility and vulnerability in writing these posts.Thank you for your leadership. Not only leading us and teaching us to be leaders in your ministry, but leading us towards forgiving the people who have hurt us the most. It was a life changing night- and thank you for reminding me of that.
Love you AB.
You seriously are- da bomb dot com
Wow…God has been doing a work in me regarding this same topic (forgiveness obviously) and I actually have a post up now about it too. Thank you for sharing this sweet post.
Here I sit in the middle of a crowded place with tears in my eyes. You are so amazing. Oh, and you are doing EXACTLY what God wants you to do. I like caps too!
ditto all the great comments above.
and I like caps too… reminds of the Winnie The Pooh books in which the writer gives certain things, scary things, important things… a sort of title by making it caps.
ie. Piglet describes himself as A Very Small Animal.
So cute!
And how could you not share what brand of shampoo you use? That is what I want to know.
Oh, yeah, and gotta get me a forgiveness chair. You know that yucky stuff just festers and gets so gross even good shampoo won’t get rid of it. Have to use forgiveness.
I have battled and battled and battled with forgiveness.
I wrestled with it on my blog a few weeks ago, wrestled with it in my quiet time with God, wrestled with it in conversations with my counselor and pastor. It’s downright exhausting.
I love your forgiveness chair idea, in both forms. Yet again, thank you for your willing heart to do whatever God asks in your ministry. Just beautiful.
ab- that night was amazing!!! I drove away from tha weekend feeling so free from my past, more than ever before!!! thanks girl! your the best!
mm, mm, mm. That is some seriously good stuff. You have much wisdom for a middle aged twenty year old…well, not quite middle, but you get my drift.
wow. Double wow. God has certainly gifted you, girl.
Thanks for challenging me today. Love to you and your poor sick self.
That’s beautiful. And you’re right. It’s so hard to forgive someone who hasn’t asked. But He definitely makes it easier.
Holy Schmoly this is one great post….are you sure you are not a counselor…you have some amazing ideas to help the girls who work with you Amy Beth…you helped them empower themselves through forgiveness so they can move on without that burden and keep going on that path God has set before them. Forgiveness is so powerful and yet so hard.
Thanks for sharing AB…
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing that! Speaking from someone who has had that done for her before, I can tell you that your stepping out in that way has changed those girls’ lives forever. What a blessing and a gift that was to them!!
That is the most wonderful, powerful post I think I have read here yet. Visualizing you doing this for these girls in my mind made my heart skip a beat and tears started flowing. How I could have used a ministry like yours growin up. God works through you.
LOVE. THIS. POST. Thanks for sharing. You just keep letting God work in you!
Wow. How inspiring and amazing.
He is definitely working through you.