In the midst of miracles.
Earlier this week, Roomie mentioned that she had her first doctor’s appointment here in Tennessee scheduled for this morning.
“So… can I come?” I asked, knowing that I’d be going whether she wanted me to or not.
“If you want, but don’t feel like you have to.” Well, that was easier than I thought. Done.
We didn’t talk about it again, and so when I walked into the doctor’s office waiting room this morning as she was filling out the paperwork, she was obviously surprised that I was there.
“You came!” she exclaimed, while I sat down beside her.
“Of course I did. We’re in this together.” After all, by this point, we really are.
It was my first doctor’s appointment with someone expecting a baby so every little thing thrilled me. “Look at that poster on the wall! Gestation periods! How exciting!” I can’t help it; it is exciting to me.
When it came time to hear the baby’s heartbeat, I almost fell off the chair from leaning forward so much, trying to get just an inch closer so I could hear it even more clearly. I have a particular interest in this child’s heartbeat as his will be close to mine in a few short months.
Maybe that’s what made the afternoon so hard.
I didn’t tell Roomie that, in only a few short hours, I was coming back to that same building for my own appointment. I wouldn’t be there to have the doctor listen for a heartbeat; I was coming to hear the same words that always make my heart feel like it might stop beating:
“I’m still very concerned about your possibility of having children in the future.”
I’ve heard those same words for years now and, I’ll admit, their blow is felt significantly less now. It isn’t like the first time the doctor told me that, the day I sat with my office door closed while I cried onto my desk. The surprise factor is gone now.
The doctor and I always have the same conversation:
“Amy Beth, do you have any plans to begin attempting to have children in the near future?”
“No… I don’t.”
“Well, okay then. I guess you will just cross that bridge…”
“When I come to it, right?”
“Right.”
Life is so ironic sometimes, isn’t it? Just this morning, there sat a girl who is pregnant without wanting to be — at least at this point in her life. And then this afternoon, there sat another girl who can’t wait to be pregnant — but not knowing if it will ever happen.
Both girls live under the same roof, pull the same milk from the fridge each morning. We both hung our masters diplomas on our walls within days of each other. In a few short weeks, I’ll blow out the birthday candles and celebrate the start of another year; only one day later, she’ll blow out her birthday candles, too. We’ll start the 24th year of our lives together, all within 24 hours of each other. We’ve already decided that, right at the time of our shared birthday, we’ll treat each other to a pedicure. Her pedicure because soon afterwards she’ll be staring at those pretty toes while she lays in a hospital bed, ready to give birth; mine just because.
People ask the same question all the time: Aren’t you jealous, Amy Beth? It’s a valid question, you know.
And my answer is just as valid: tonight, as soon as I tie up some loose ends at the office, I’m hurrying over to a bridal gown store to meet my cousin. We found a dress last week that she’s in love with and, again tonight, I get to be the person waiting outside the fitting room door to tell her she’s the most beautiful bride that’s ever existed.
Once we’ve decided on a veil and found the perfect shoes, I’ll drive home to where one of my favorite roommates from college will be waiting, probably with her cute swollen pregnancy feet propped up on the couch. I’ll ask my usual nightly question — “He’s moving around a lot, right? Right?“ She’ll laugh before she answers; I know this because it’s what we do every single night of the week. Maybe we’ll go into the nursery tonight; maybe we’ll decide where the changing table should go.
This certainly isn’t the life that I imagined I would have as I near my 24th year, but one so much greater, so much more fulfilling that anything I could have dreamed up for myself. I may not be in the market for a wedding dress, but I’ll have the incredible privilege of buttoning up one in just a few hours as that beautiful bride watches her reflection in the mirror. I may not be rocking my own baby to sleep tonight, but I’ll sleep peacefully knowing that the baby in my home waiting to be born is safe right across the hall from me.
How gracious of God to allow me to live in the midst of so many other people’s miracles as I wait for my own to come.
Posted: August 7th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 34
Comments
Comment from Chatty Kelly
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:39 pm
I don’t know what the earthly future holds, but I don’t doubt that great will be your reward in heaven.
And I pray that you will receive the desires of your heart on earth too. I know with all the marriages & baby stuff going around you it can increase your longing, but you are so very young – your miracle might be right around the corner.
Trust me, I’m 40. I know stuff.
Comment from Mandy
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:45 pm
You are amazing for being able to see past those things to see what’s GOOD in your life.
Beautiful girl you are.
Comment from Ronnica
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:45 pm
Waiting is hard. I struggle sometimes, other times I can forget. But I’m glad to be where I am and as much as want those other things, I realize that my life is pretty special just the way it is.
Comment from Laci
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:49 pm
Your words are so eloquent and sincere. It’s true that you will be blessed with your own miracles soon enough. He gives good gifts to those who love Him.
Comment from Lisa @ put-it-on-the-list
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:54 pm
It’s not nice to make the 40 year olds cry. Especially when they’re not criers.
This is the latest in a long line of times I’ve felt it was so unfair that I was so fertile when so many I knew weren’t. If I could transfer that to you, darlin’, I SO would. God knows I’m done with it.
Some days you could have my teenage boys too. 
Comment from boomama
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:55 pm
Beautiful.
Comment from Jenn @ Casa de Castro
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:57 pm
Perhaps these events you’re part of in the lives of people you love are preparation and practice for when they happen in yours. God is good… all the time, and I have no doubt He will use these events in YOUR life for His purpose. When these things happen in your life, many will rejoice with you and come running to celebrate the culmination of faith in action and dreams coming true.
Press on, AB. You are a blessing to me.
Comment from jenni at talking hairdryer
Time: August 7, 2008, 5:03 pm
What a beatiful heart! And eloquent words to express it. Thanks for sharing. I think you should leave it.
I wanna come to the party you throw when you get engaged. It’s gonna be a big’un.
Comment from Tamara
Time: August 7, 2008, 5:06 pm
Amy Beth, just let me give you a hug. I’ve been there…I am there…but I was never as eloquent or gracious or compassionate as you are. You have ministered to me with your servant heart. Can’t wait to hug your neck “for reals” in SA at Siesta Fiesta. And rest assured, God is doing a beautiful and good work in you!
Comment from The Diaper Diaries
Time: August 7, 2008, 5:08 pm
I think this post is really wonderful and I am sure you are speaking for many other women who struggle with God’s timing for marriage and children. Please keep it up so I can send it to some of my struggling friends.
Comment from trs
Time: August 7, 2008, 5:42 pm
I hear you sister.
A year ago my doctor diagnosed me as perimenapausal… just six months after I finally found a man I could imagine marrying and making babies with!
Doc gives me until I’m 42 to procreate. That was my mental cutoff for pregnancy anyway so I figure I’m no worse off than I was.
When I told my guy the news he said, “I always thought that having children was God’s plan for my life. But maybe it’s not. If we end up together, we’lljust see what we get.”
Sigh. I couldn’t have asked for a better response.
Accept now he’s really taking his sweet time locking me in for baby-making activity!
Comment from Bethany
Time: August 7, 2008, 6:10 pm
I never had trouble getting pregnant – and I probably wouldn’t have had children if I did – so I can’t imagine how this feels for you right now.
But I can stand testimony to the fact that taking “The Plan” into your own hands is only asking for disaster. I am so proud of you and your obedience and the work you have allowed God to do in your life. I know He is too.
God has the absolute best in mind for you, but only He knows what, and when it will come. I am sure the blessing will be worth the wait.
Comment from Amanda
Time: August 7, 2008, 6:51 pm
Sister, I think of YOUR sweet life as a miracle all the time. I’m so sorry that the doctor has given you reason to worry about having children in the future. That is so discouraging. You give that to Him as an offering (like Kelly Minter said) and receive His peace about it. He is crafting your story with great care, love, and attention. I am blessed to get to watch your life from afar and see what He continues to do.
Much love,
Amanda
Comment from Gayle
Time: August 7, 2008, 6:59 pm
Sweet Amy Beth, I wasn’t supposed to ever be able to have children either. In fact, it was pretty much deemed impossible.
But God….
Comment from Katherine
Time: August 7, 2008, 7:15 pm
Fist time commenter – reader since the middle of June (I stumbled upon your site after seeing the link on a friend’s blog.)
I’ve been reading this blog for awhile and while many of the entries, if not all, have touched my heart – I haven’t felt the urge to comment – i guess because I didn’t have anything to say in response.
I am about to begin my senior year in college and could really relate to this post. I would love for God to bring Mr. Right into my life, or even a few Mr. Maybes…but I’m very content with the life I have right now. You entry helped reaffirm this.
God blesses so many through you.
Comment from trs
Time: August 7, 2008, 8:03 pm
Sweet Dear Amy Beth,
At the risk of overstaying my welcome – and using up all of your bandwidth space – I’d like to share an excerpt from a book that gave me great peace and encouragement – if not an image that I prayed for in my own life.
It’s from the book ‘Boy Meets Girl’ by Joshua Harris. In chapter twelve he shares a letter from a friend of his doing missionary work in India with her parents. While she loved the work and the people she couldn’t help but wonder if she was missing the opportunity to meet her husband. One night she had an amazing dream:
“I saw the Creator’s hands forming little me. The same hands that had created the start and the heavens were carefully fashioning me. I was filled with wonder and gratefulness.
I wept as I continued to see myself, now a young lady, sitting in the center of His hand, knees drawn up to my chest, my head lifted to the Lover of my soul – my all in all. I was focused on Him and only Him. My gaze was filled by his face. And He looked as delighted as I was to have my total attention. I sat for what seemed like an eternity, marveling and communing with my Savior, my eyes reveling in Him.
As I sat there, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, His other hand coming into view and in that hand I saw him. I knew who it ws the instant I saw that it was a man. Simultaneously, we jumped to our feet and looked up the Master.
“Is that him?” I asked, “The one I have been waiting for? THe one who has been waiting for me? Is it him?”
I could hear that he was asking the same question about me. “Is that her? THe one I have been waiting for? The one who has been waiting for me?”
Both our voices quaked with excitement, but they could not compare to the joy an pleasure that was in God’s voice as He smiled and said, “Yes.” Bringing His hands close, He joined our hands and released us into the world… together.”
Oh! What a glorious vision!
That is how God works. And Amy Beth – you are sitting in His palm, staring at His face with the work you do. When you are completely absorbed in God – it will be an instant – in your periphreal vision that the right man will come – destined by God.
Anyway… this was a passage that gave me hope – and comfort in God’s grace and eternal plan.
Sorry for the looooooong post.
Comment from Brandy T
Time: August 7, 2008, 8:42 pm
Hey girl, I’m with Gayle. In December of 2005, my doc told me that, if I was going to get pregnant, it would have to be in the next six months and with extreme medical intervention. In January 2006, without ANY medical intervention, we got preggo.
You know the story, but I just thought I’d remind you. When the time come, God will give you the desires of your heart… one way or another. =)
Comment from Vicky
Time: August 7, 2008, 8:55 pm
I have a friend who was told she had a 2% chance of ever having kids due to endometriosis (sp?). She went on to give birth to 10 children.
You never know what God has planned…
Thank you for yet another beautiful post– one that reminds me to enjoy witnessing the miracles of others’ life-changing events while I wait for my own.
Comment from Lauren
Time: August 7, 2008, 8:59 pm
Wow. Beautiful. Amazing. Mainly Beautiful. You are such a wonderful woman. Love u!
Comment from Jenelle Howe
Time: August 7, 2008, 9:09 pm
“I’m still very concerned about your possibility of having children in the future.”
I was so suprised to read that line I had no idea. but I do know one thing. GOD IS AMAZING, and HE CaN DO ANYTHING!!! If you are meant to be a mom ab (and i have a big feeling you are) then God will make it possible. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen, bc in the midst of your hurt, you can celebrate in the joy of others!Way to go sweetie! I love you and am so proud of you! Cya the 17th! 
Comment from Sarah
Time: August 7, 2008, 9:24 pm
You are amazing.
Comment from Lindsee
Time: August 7, 2008, 10:30 pm
Amy Beth-
You have a precious, precious heart. Know that God is preparing a man for you and boy will he be some man. 
I know this because I am believing this for my own life, too. We have very similar stories! I know I barely know you but I can’t wait to hug your neck in SA!
Lindsee
Comment from Marla Taviano
Time: August 7, 2008, 10:52 pm
I love you a very, very lot. Praying God showers you with sweet kisses all night and day. You are such a blessing.
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: August 8, 2008, 12:09 am
There’s a Steven Curtis Chapman song (Believe Me Now) that has this to say about our God:
I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean
I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I’ve loved you long before I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you’re feeling now
But do you remember who I am?
Our God is faithful, AB. I feel privileged to watch Him work in your heart and your life. Remember who He is.
Comment from Andrea@Cup of Jesus
Time: August 8, 2008, 12:15 am
My heart breaks for you, sweetie. You are such a beautiful soul – and we can rest confidently in the knowledge that God’s plans for you are enormous. No matter what they are.
Comment from Jennifer M.
Time: August 8, 2008, 12:36 am
Oh Amy Beth. I love you.
And Gayle is right, “But God…”
Comment from Christy
Time: August 8, 2008, 12:54 am
AB… I truly believe God brought me to your blog all those months and months ago…you are such an encouragement to me as I read your posts and hear you talk about things in your life that are similar to mine. I too have sat in a obgyn office and been told something very similar to what you have been told. I too have cried and have also moved past that stage into a stage of waiting…all the while knowing HE knows the desires of my heart…just as He knows yours. I agree with Gayle and Jennifer M “But God” He has amazing things in store for you AB and I cannot wait to read all about it 
) You have the beautiful gift of words that I don’t have…thanks for sharing your heart.
Blessings.
Comment from trs
Time: August 8, 2008, 2:30 am
Praise and Glory!
Can I just share that my dear friend told me today that she is 6 weeks along…
She who suffered a terrible miscarriage this time last year!!
But God…
Comment from Brittany
Time: August 8, 2008, 9:22 am
What a beautiful post. I may not be in the same situation as you, but I can definitely learn from your words.
Comment from Shara
Time: August 8, 2008, 9:38 am
What an amazing friend you are, Amy. The love you so easily pour into others’ lives is truly a shining example of the love of Christ. Those girls are blessed to have you in their lives, as I’m sure they already know.
As far as the baby situation, remember that God has the final word. Not the doctor. =)
Comment from amykay
Time: August 8, 2008, 11:25 am
how gracious of God to allow US to have a glimpse into your life!
Comment from Dawn
Time: August 8, 2008, 3:24 pm
OK this post made me cry. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can relate to what you are saying in a lot of ways. I was married for 12 years before I had my daughter. And I struggled through so many Mother’s Days & baby showers! I felt like I was sitting back watching EVERYONE around me have children, while I still waited.
I would go back and forth between really longing for a child and accepting that I might not have one. It was a like a roller coaster. Just around the time that I was starting to REALLY accept that God may not give me children, I found out I was pregnant. God just has a way of doing things that we never expect. He is amazing!
Pingback from Ministry So Fabulous! » Fetus Friday – The “F” Word(s): Fitness and Food
Time: February 6, 2009, 12:45 pm
[...] Last night I mentioned that Roomie and I went to her first doctor’s appointment here in Tennessee. The doctor might have mentioned once or thrice that Roomie needs to continue to be smart about weight gain, staying in shape, etc. Roomie is not big by any means, but the doctor mentioned that it is easier to give birth when you’re in shape. [...]
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Comment from Jeni
Time: August 7, 2008, 4:35 pm
I’m sorry, Amy Beth. It can be very hard to wait for God’s time in your own life. I’ve been unexpectedly battling infertility for a year, when all around me are friends with surprise pregnancies. It doesn’t seem fair, but I remember how blessed I am to have my 2 year old daughter, and that God has plans for me that I don’t understand right now.
All things in His time, I suppose.