Comment from Jennifer
Time: September 16, 2008, 10:53 pm

Amy,
I have been reading your blog for some time now, and I just want you to know that so many have been where you are right now. Last year, (totally different circumstances than the ones you’re going through right now) I went through a horrible bout with depression, specifically PPD, but depression none the less. It altered every area of my life, and has changed me as a person profoundly. I want you to know that God is big enough to handle our pain, and He’s big enough to handle our silence, frustration, and our feelings of not being able to put one foot in front of the other.
Don’t numb the pain – I know from experience that seems like the best solution at times, but gosh, (and it sounds so cliche to say this), but that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Steel Magnolias, anyone? It is so true, though, that we are better stronger people for the hardships and pain we experience, because it shows us both the divinity and humanity of our Savior, and we can in turn share that with others!
I just want you to be encouraged tonight, and know that you’re not alone. I feel like I have rambled, but I hope it has helped in some small way.
Don’t be afraid to be real – even ugly real! He’s big enough to handle it!
Blessings to you and your ministry.

Comment from christina
Time: September 16, 2008, 10:57 pm

I have no idea specifically what you’re going through, but I can say that where you are, girl, I’ve been there. I’ve also had those options, and chose to numb the pain and it pointed a lot of things out to me. First, if that’s not who you are, it’s exhausting to keep up that facade. Second, when I came out of the fog, God was going, “See? You thought you were all alone out there and you thought I wasn’t there and it totally sucked, right? But hey, I was right there with you. Welcome back.” I ultimately quit all that business because trying to numb everything was exhausting and lonely(er) than facing all the hurting parts of me.

Comment from Jenelle Howe
Time: September 16, 2008, 10:58 pm

it night seem really easy to just forget about everything and ignore it! but your absolutely right!!! dont ignore the pain, dont become numb sweetie, bc the alternative, though it sucks, GOD will get you through it, and you have people to lean on (btw im one of em if u ever need anything!) ot get through it the right way! I love you girl and im praying for u! keep the faith, did i mention that i love you?!?!? cya thursday girlie!

Comment from Kelli
Time: September 16, 2008, 11:08 pm

Numbing it hurts almost worse than the pain. It just masks it and delays the hurt that you almost have to feel to heal. I made some poor choices to numb pain that I wish now I had handled differently. Hang in there sweet girl. May God cover you with his hands to help take the brunt of the pain.

Comment from Bethany
Time: September 16, 2008, 11:35 pm

It may seem a bit incongruous, but I spent almost 20 years numbing the pain I couldn’t control with pain I *could* control.

And I’ll be honest – it worked.

I was numb alright. So numb that I lost who I was, forgot my faith and ignored my children’s pain.

Because when you’re numb you can’t feel *anything.* You can’t feel compassion. You can’t feel hope. You can’t feel God speaking to your heart.

And dear, sweet, wonderful Amy Beth, that would be a loss far worse than the one you’re grieving now.

Feel the pain dear one. Live it. Then use it. Please don’t let it, or the enemy of your soul, use you.

Comment from Dawn
Time: September 17, 2008, 1:06 am

I heard a wise man say once that sometimes you have to “Schedule the Pain.”

Sometimes, it is tempting to numb the pain or pretend it doesn’t exist. The problem is that neither of those things makes the pain go away or lessen in any real way. Then when you come to the end of your ability to numb it, you have to deal with the pain all over again. And it’s worse than it was when you started.

In my life, there have been several times when I thought I couldn’t make it. Too many stones had been thrown. Too many bridges had been burned. I wanted to forget about everything and just keep on pretending to be fine. The truth is, I was afraid that re-living the pain and remembering the hurt would kill me. I wouldn’t be strong enough to face it one more time, even to be healed.

But one day, I felt God say, “This pain will not overtake you. The enemy would have you believe that facing the pain will kill you, but it will not. It is only by facing it that you can be healed.”

And even though I’ve rambled on now far longer than I should, I hope you hear the still small voice and live.

Comment from mandy
Time: September 17, 2008, 7:54 am

I have such pain in my life concerning losing my Mom. Sometimes I wish she had never lived, just so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of losing her…of finding her…of performing CPR…of explaining her lifeless body to my 3 year old.

I have to believe that the pain will eventually leave & I will walk out of it with a closer relationship w/ my family that is still alive & God.

I pray that happens for you too…

Comment from Brandy T.
Time: September 17, 2008, 8:21 am

You’re right on, girl. Numbing it is the worst thing to do. That only delays the inevitable – dealing with it. As much as it sucks, it’s better to “bite the bullet” now than have it fermenting inside for the next 1,2, 3…15 years.

I’m so sorry that this is so hard. PLEASE let me know if I can do something.

P.S. I’m glad you’re writing.

Comment from Karen Owens
Time: September 17, 2008, 8:22 am

I hear you sister! No advice — I’m still trying to fiure out that one. Keep strong, keep focused — go take some amazing photos.

Comment from Sarah
Time: September 17, 2008, 8:41 am

I don’t think there’s a person alive who hasn’t wanted to numb the pain…to run from it…to try to make it stop.

And you’re right…numbing it will only cause more hurt for you in the end.

Keep getting up, putting one foot on that floor and then the other…and one day (soon) it will be eaiser, and the joy will come back.

Praying a hedge of protection over you today, my friend. May He shield you with His love…

Comment from Kelley
Time: September 17, 2008, 9:24 am

Oh, kiddo….that’s normal! We all have done that at one time or another. No one likes pain–regardless of what kind of pain it is (emotional, physical, etc). We think of ways that we can numb it (some easy, some scary) and in the end, I think we realize–just like you did–that doing what we thought could help is only temporary. It helps that pain, but can create more or different pain.

Amy Beth, you aren’t alone. You are surrounded by great people who love you and want to be there for you.

It will all work out. It always does. : )

Comment from Amanda
Time: September 17, 2008, 9:37 am

Hey AB! I’ve really been praying for the right words to share with you…
At Deeper Still: Las Vegas, Priscilla shared this story with us: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/oprahshow2_ss_20051108/8
She concluded that it’s best for us to feel the pain, because a life without pain has its own set of consequences. “The gift of pain allows us to praise, expect, and see God in [the painful] circumstances.
I believe in a God that holds each broken piece of your heart in the palm of His hand. He’s mending you, and with each passing day that hurts, he’s closer to filling those holes in your life…I believe it!

Comment from Ronnica
Time: September 17, 2008, 9:41 am

It’s good that you recognize that there are consequences to seeking numbness. Allow God to use the pain to shape and mold you. Praying for you, Amy Beth.

Comment from Chatty Kelly
Time: September 17, 2008, 5:32 pm

It’s impossible to numb the pain. What you do is numb all the feelings – good & bad. And you go through life numb. No joy. No pain. As the adult child of an alcoholic mother, I advise you to go for the feelings. Pain lasts but a while. Joy comes in the morning.

Comment from Beth
Time: September 17, 2008, 11:16 pm

Numbing the pain does just that. It numbs the pain. But the pain is still there. It never really goes away. And when the numbness wears off the pain is still there. And it hurts even more.

I am so sorry you are hurting inside. But truthfully, isn’t it better to feel pain than to be numb and feel nothing? No pain, no joy, no peace, no strength?

You are better than that and He knows you are better than that and He will get you through this one day at a time.

Comment from Natalie @ I AM (not)
Time: September 18, 2008, 4:49 pm

Hey, no pain = no cool scar to look at and point to so other can see what God did.

Scars are good. Just look at His hands.

Comment from Abby
Time: September 19, 2008, 9:26 am

Seek joy baby! It’s a good sign that you are being open about it. My alcohol abuse was in the closet for a long time. But, it took a painful stretch of ugly openness to get free from that strognhold. Hang in there momma!

Comment from Mel
Time: September 19, 2008, 10:01 am

What do you mean numning the pain? Like hopping off the ledge or drinking lots or smoking lots of weed?
Don’t do any of those things, just let Him carry you sweet friend and know when you are weak, he is superGod!

Comment from Flowerpot
Time: September 22, 2008, 9:54 pm

AB, when I am in one of my deep paralysis episodes, I only want to get away from it. Problem is … I can’t move. I can’t even breathe without oxygen sometimes. But, when I start coming out of the paralysis, the first thing I think of is to get away from the episode. I used to start crawling as soon as I could move. This is how I dislocated my hip. It took me years of hurting myself by trying to run from the paralysis episodes to learn that if I will just stay still until the paralysis episode is completely gone, I will not injure myself.
Really, it’s human nature to run. It’s God’s nature to stay. If Jesus could make himself stay on the cross with every sin of every human of all time, then He can give us the staying power in our pain. I am sure you do not have the staying power, but I am also sure that Christ in you DOES have staying power.
Lots of love, prayers and hugs,
Flowerpot