You just wait until I learn all the other herbs’ names.
One of the things that may or may not have been mentioned before on this blog is my inability to cook. Sure, I can make cereal and the occasional bag of microwaved popcorn. But real cooking? Like, frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets? I just can’t seem to get it right.
Ex-boyfriend didn’t really have a problem with this, mainly because he’s a good cook himself. Sure, I got the occasional comment of “I see your cooking skills haven’t improved” after describing a particular incident with pancakes, but overall, I was pretty secure in the fact that cooking just isn’t my thing.
Oh, but how I had to go and prove that true.
In a fit of emotion the other night, I decided that NEW LEAF, it is time for A WHOLE NEW AMY BETH. And so, in thinking about all the things I wanted to change about myself, I decided that cooking would be the easiest route. I had seen a recipe I wanted to try, though I use the term “recipe” very, very lightly. Basically, it had three ingredients: french bread, butter and fresh thyme. Surely something even I could handle, right?
Wrong.
Off to the store I went, just as perky as can be. I grabbed my Single-Girl Cart and headed to the bakery side. I spent plenty of time surveying the various loaves of french bread available while softly patting them to make it look like I was picking the best one out (I’ve since been informed that you don’t actually pat bread but? Hello? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW THESE THINGS?).
Once I had the perfect loaf safely tucked inside my wee little cart, I went to locate some fresh thyme (I feel so grown up when I put the word “fresh” before thyme). Seeing as I’ve never actually purchased nor used an herb before, this part of the journey took a little while. On that note, have you ever noticed that fresh mint and fresh thyme (still using the fresh part) look remarkably the same, especially to a girl who PRINTED OFF A PICTURE OF FRESH THYME JUST AS A VISUAL AID.
Once I had the (fresh!) thyme in my cart beside frenchie, I headed over to the butter aisle — a section that I know all too well. Here is what confused me though: the recipe said “make sure the butter is salted.” I was rather confused as I didn’t know there was anything else. It turns out, however, that there are quite a few unsalted butters, some salted ones and some that just don’t say it either way. I’m pretty particular about which brand I used and, sadly, it fell into the last category.
I, however, have never met a stranger in my life including the elderly woman reaching for her Land ‘O Lakes beside me. I knew God had sent a Butter Angel to my rescue and, sure enough, she happily gave me a butter lesson right there in the middle of Bi-Lo (speaking of which: Piggly Wiggly? Please come to my town? Just so I can say your name over and over and over and…).
Once I got home, I cut off a small section of the bread and fixed it according to the directions. Well, at least I tried. It turns out that when a recipe calls for room temperature butter, you shouldn’t microwave it for 30 seconds. Also, fresh thyme must be gently pulled from its stalk before chopping ensues. Who knew?
According to this particular recipe, you should turn on the broiler to get the bread really toasted all while watching it to make sure it doesn’t get too dark. I popped that bread in, turned on the broiler and stood there watching it for a good minute and a half before I got bored and decided to check my Twitter.
And that, my friends, was a mistake.
It turns out (listen carefully now, ’cause Mama’s about to teach you a thing or two about cooking!) that the broiler cooks things very, very quickly. And, in some instances when you are not watching, things like bread can catch on fire. And no one likes fire bread.
Even when it does have fresh thyme sprinkled on top.
Posted: September 18th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 24
Comments
Comment from Mindy
Time: September 18, 2008, 9:43 am
if I say I’m laughing, you will take that to mean I’m laughing with you not at you, right? Oh girl you crack me up!
Comment from Jenn
Time: September 18, 2008, 9:45 am
I’m sorry to read of your broiler misfortune, AB, did you know you can take an intro cooking course here in town? It used to cost about $35, and it’s superfabulous! I think you would enjoy it!
Comment from Ronnica
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:23 am
Been there, done that! I refuse to put anything on broil because it never fails, I forget to take it out and it burns. I’m much safer at lower temperatures.
Comment from Kim
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:31 am
AND…she’s BACK!
Comment from Sarah
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:48 am
Cookings over-rated anyways.
Comment from Jeni
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:51 am
I went back & read your Single-Girl cart thing – you’ve got to read my post for today, about shopping with a 2 year old!
Comment from WayMoreHomemade (Donna)
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:52 am
Oh my. And here I’m thinking…. “Mint and Thyme look nothing, I mean NOTHING alike.” I’m even thinking my 3 varieties of thyme in my herb garden look very different.
Ahem.
All that said, you have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen right? If not… get thee to Home Depot immediately.
And… don’t quit trying. Because honestly, your stories are too good to give up. 
~Donna
Comment from Robyn
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:54 am
Oh. You’ve just written about my 7 year old’s attempt to make pizza “all by myself, mommy. I am big enough to do it all by myself” and then leave the kitchen only to turn it to fire pizza. I don’t know if it will be easier to get the molten cheese off the bottom of the oven or buy another oven. I’m thinking the latter.
Comment from Bethany
Time: September 18, 2008, 1:11 pm
I’m with Donna on the thyme thing (love ya AB!) and please know I am laughing *with* you. =)
Perhaps you should consider crockpot cooking? You’d be far less likely to burn down your house if you get distracted by Twitter. =)
Comment from Tamara
Time: September 18, 2008, 2:12 pm
Take heart, Amy Beth. Because even we kitchen divas who have been cooking for lo, these many years, have been known to create fire bread…every time we use the broiler. It’s a culinary secret. Because when you start the recipe all over again, while standing by and watching it, and no, never-ever multitasking, you’ll end up with nice smoke-flavored bread. You will be able to imagine that you possess a brick oven! Not really. In fact, you’ll get distracted and burn it a second time. That’s the real culinary secret!
Comment from Dana
Time: September 18, 2008, 2:45 pm
Since many a day I pretend that I have my own cooking show when I am preparing dinner, I would be more than happy to go “on location” for an episode and give you some easy cooking lessons.
Comment from Natalie @ I AM (not)
Time: September 18, 2008, 4:52 pm
We are kindred cooking spirits indeed.
Comment from Kim
Time: September 18, 2008, 5:19 pm
HILARIOUS!!
Love you girl !
Who says a woman has to cook – it is totally over rated
Kim
Comment from mandy
Time: September 18, 2008, 5:28 pm
Take pics next time. This is just too hard to believe. 
Comment from Melody
Time: September 18, 2008, 5:32 pm
Let me just start off by saying that I am thrilled you are back.
Secondly, I can teach you how to cook some really yummy dinners. You just think about what you want to learn how to cook, and I can show you how to do it. 
Stay blessed!
Comment from Lauren
Time: September 18, 2008, 7:14 pm
YAY!!! YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!
And my mom worked at a Piggly Wiggly once…intersesting stories from that…:)
And I know what you mean….I tried to make bread once although I didn’t burn it, i just forgot to slice it into pieces to go with the meal, so that was a bust…
Try wrapping tin-foil around it. It won’t make it crispy around the edges, but it sure is good and it holds in the flavors of the FRESH thyme…:D
which by the way I TRIED growing in our garden this year…needless to say that it was a bust as well…the potato plants ate it up. 
Comment from twinkle
Time: September 18, 2008, 7:22 pm
We have a Piggly Wiggly! And a smaller one called Piglet!
I think that recipe was a little bit too advanced since it had all that fresh stuff to use.
And if you are good a fire cooking…try Baked Alaska!
Welcome back, petal girl…isn’t God amazing!
Comment from Jenelle Howe
Time: September 18, 2008, 8:27 pm
bread for dinner? girl u need some PROTEIN in ur diet, now go eat a steak like a good little starlite leader! i love you girl, cya sunday!
Comment from Vicky
Time: September 18, 2008, 9:34 pm
I’m trying to learn to cook (I know how to cook, sorta… but I just don’t do it much). I figure I’m going to need more recipes then enchiladas and spaghetti for my future family…
Comment from Brandy T.
Time: September 18, 2008, 9:47 pm
My perfect recipe for ANY kind of bread:
1. put prepared bread in Toaster Oven.
2. Set toaster setting to Medium.
3. Hit “toast” button.
4. Remove when little red light goes off.
=)
Glad you’re back.
Comment from Lisa @ The PW
Time: September 18, 2008, 10:25 pm
I’ll have a slice of that to go with the quiche I made with a graham cracker pie crust. Really, who knew there were so many varieties of pie crust?
Don’t worry, girl. Stouffers always comes through in a pinch.
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: September 19, 2008, 3:36 pm
If it makes you feel better, AB, I was a cooking disaster when I got married and for years thereafter. I actually set fire to some nachos once when our small group was meeting at our house for Bible study. I was infamous.
And now I can cook with the best of them. My husband would rather eat at home than eat out.
So you keep plugging away with those FRESH herbs, honey. It will come.
Comment from Kelli
Time: September 20, 2008, 12:11 am
Herbs Smerbs!
So glad you didn’t burn the house down!
back to Home
Comment from Michelle
Time: September 18, 2008, 9:33 am
Haha, never fear, that happens to the best of us! I am very impressed that you tried your hand at real cooking!