Breathe.
My smallest puppy, Cuddles, almost died the other night all because he stopped breathing.
I was having a dinner party for some close friends when Cuddles began choking on a bone. After several attempts to get the bone out, it became obvious that we needed to get him to the pet hospital as quickly as possible. Our town doesn’t even have a pet hospital, so we were looking at least a 20 minute drive just to get him there. From one dark back road to another we went, with Cate holding my gasping puppy in her lap and me saying “I’ll breathe for him! I will! Cate, tell me if he stops breathing — I’ll breathe for him!” I was frantic and desperate and all those other things that make you willing to give your own breath for something you love, especially if it means they’ll have a chance at surviving.
The strangest thing about the last few weeks of my life has been the regular sensation of having the breath knocked right out of me. When you love someone for so long — and go back and forth, on and off — it creates a familiarity that you don’t even recognize until it is gone forever. And, in my particular situation, it is gone. Forever.
It’s very tricky to love or be loved when there’s other humans involved. I’ve only been in love once — this time, of course — and I took it seriously. We were off and on and off and on and it just went on for years, sometimes publicly and sometimes privately. And when you love someone for so long and end up having to ask them if they love you still and they tell you that no, no they just don’t love you anymore…
Well, it does tend to leave you breathless.
I was standing in line at our TJMaxx on Sunday afternoon, actually thinking about what a good day I was having so far — no tears, no drowning in feelings of abandonment, none of that. By the time it was my turn to lay my return on the counter, I was — dare I say it — almost smiling.
And that’s when the song came on.
It was our song but he never knew it, mainly because it came out while we were on a break from each other and we weren’t back together this last time long enough for me to tell him that, surprise, I had found a song for us. But regardless of his knowledge of it, the song was ours –
“If you just realize what I just realized…”
I was feeling as though all the air had been sucked from the room when I heard a gasp from the girl ringing me up and glanced up in surprise. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “This song just makes me cry sometimes.”
I quietly assured her that I understood and that, believe it or not, I had cried a few tears myself over that very song. Breathe, Amy Beth, breathe.
“Really?” She seemed surprised.
“Yes, of course. It always reminds me of… well, him.” I knew she’d understand what I meant.
Before I could say anything else, she began to weep. I glanced behind me and was relieved to see that no one else was around. But I had no idea what to say to the girl now sobbing behind the counter.
“I’m so sorry!” She was obviously embarrassed, so in an action that comes from years of listening to hundreds of stories of girls’ heartbreak, I reached out my hand to cover hers.
And that’s when she began to gasp.
“But! But he said he loved me! I just don’t understand! I, I just don’t know what to do!” By this time, she was obviously on the verge of a panic attack. I grabbed both her hands, looked her straight in the eyes and began doing the only thing I knew to do.
“Breathe… that’s right… just breathe for a second. Breathe with me.”
We stood there for a long time, her standing next to a long forgotten cash register while I kept reminding her that she needed to take another breath. And another. And another… all until she finally felt like she could breathe on her own again.
And then I finally understood a little more about the nature of the God I have chosen to love.
All these days, all these longs nights spent wondering what the point of having loved was if that love was in vain and vowing that I won’t love again, all of that can come pouring out. I have permission from Him to feel pain, acknowledge it and even feel breathless from it. And when it does, when He sees me absolutely unable to breathe on my own, there He’ll be, pleading before His own father:
“I’ll breathe for her! I will! Father, tell me if she stops breathing — I’ll breathe for her!”
After all, He’s already breathed for me once before.
“And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed out His life.” Mark 15:37
Edited To Add: Hundreds of you all are coming over from a couple of links to this post, so I wanted to say a quick hello! I’m glad you made it here and I hope you’ll feel comfortable around all the pink. I’ve got a lot of exciting things happening right now in life from living with a friend who is expecting a baby and will be raising it with my help to learning that things aren’t always how they look. I learn lessons in the pool and in the doctor’s office, too. And if that isn’t enough for you, well, there’s always a list of 100 things that’ll put you right to sleep.
Posted: September 22nd, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 57
Comments
Comment from Natalie @ I AM (not)
Time: September 22, 2008, 11:16 pm
My that was good. Real. And, full of truth. Sometimes we just feel our way through truth.
Comment from Amy Storms
Time: September 22, 2008, 11:21 pm
Loved this, Amy Beth. Praying for you.
Comment from Lisa @ put-it-on-the-list
Time: September 22, 2008, 11:53 pm
Wow. Amazing post.
It really is better to have loved and lost, though it’s hard to see that now.
Continuing to pray for you.
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: September 22, 2008, 11:59 pm
This is BEAUTIFUL Amy Beth. The writing, the thought behind it, the TRUTH behind it. It’s all beautiful. As are you, dear one.
He gives us each breath — and when we can’t take it, he breaths for us. Love that picture.
Comment from christina
Time: September 23, 2008, 12:11 am
totally in tears, Amy – loved the words. Praying for you.
Comment from Jenn @ Casa de Castro
Time: September 23, 2008, 12:32 am
You, AB, took MY breath away this post. You are a gifted writer with a beautiful heart that the Lord loves to use to minister to others.
My Bible study tonight was all on the sufferings of Christ on our behalf. You’ve summed it up beautifully here. Thank you for allowing Him to use you AND your painful experience(s) to minister to someone else. I’m sure He is pleased.
Continuing to pray for you.
Comment from trs
Time: September 23, 2008, 3:08 am
Beautiful. In tears here too.
You were Christ for her when she needed it. You truly act as Jesus’ hands and feet.
Something I just learned this week. When you are so close to your dream and it slips away… remember to surrender it all to God.
You might like to check out my most recent post to see what I mean.
Comment from AliRae
Time: September 23, 2008, 4:43 am
Two nights ago I sat on the floor of a darkened hospital ward on my ship here, holding another girl’s hand and chanting out that mantra. Breathe. Just Breathe. It’s okay. And eventually she, too, began to do it on her own and finally fell into a restful sleep.
We’re sisters, you and I, though we live on opposite sides of the oceans and have never met. Sweet, isn’t it, this family of God?
Comment from mandy
Time: September 23, 2008, 7:08 am
Oh heavens…you have knack of making me cry. We should NEVER. scratch that. DEFINITELY. meet someday.
Comment from Brittany
Time: September 23, 2008, 7:42 am
I’m crying now. I cannot wait to see all the amazing things God does with your life. You are very special person.
Comment from Jennifer M.
Time: September 23, 2008, 7:52 am
Thank you Amy Beth. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that… well, maybe you do. 
Comment from Shanda
Time: September 23, 2008, 7:54 am
That’s some powerful stuff there. I’m praying for you too.
Comment from Kelli
Time: September 23, 2008, 8:15 am
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
God very much had you in that TJ Maxx for that specific moment for that girl.
Comment from Liz @ Discovering Liz
Time: September 23, 2008, 8:24 am
That was priceless. I don’t know what else to say…
Comment from Jeni
Time: September 23, 2008, 8:27 am
You’ve made me speechless today, AB.
You’re still in my prayers.
Comment from Melissa
Time: September 23, 2008, 9:46 am
You have an amazing gift for using your life experiences and weaving it all together into a story that others can identify with and learn from, making them laugh and cry at the same time.
Comment from Brandy T.
Time: September 23, 2008, 9:49 am
Yeah. I needed a good cry this morning. Absolutely breathtaking.
Comment from Judy S
Time: September 23, 2008, 10:32 am
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Just what God wanted to say to me this morning.Thank you.
Comment from debbie d.
Time: September 23, 2008, 10:47 am
alright alright alright…my dog lovin’ ways must ask…how’s Cuddles?!?!? I’m so thankful that God put you in TJMaxx at just the right time.
Comment from Taryn in NY
Time: September 23, 2008, 11:07 am
this post has left me breathless…
very beautiful post- you are so sweet-
wow.
lots of love to you and…
cuddles… how are you feelin???
Comment from Tamara
Time: September 23, 2008, 11:34 am
This is beautiful, Amy Beth. I was just singing “Breath of Heaven” to myself the other day, as a reminder that God will breathe for me, when I can’t.
Just before I read your post, I read this one, by Cindy Beall: http://cindybeall.com/?p=557. I mention this, because I believe you just had yourself a Philippians moment. God is using your “blanks” to minister to another. And though that doesn’t remove the hurt you’ve felt, it does redeem it, making it worth something.
I continue to pray for you and your tender heart.
Comment from Diane
Time: September 23, 2008, 11:46 am
That was one of the best things I have ever read. Really.
Comment from Theresa
Time: September 23, 2008, 12:44 pm
Wow! You have something that most of us don’t have, the ability to put yourself on a shelf and help others.This made me cry, but then most things you write do. Thank you for being the person you are!
You are in my prayers and just know that God has someone special just for you !
Comment from Irish Coffeehouse
Time: September 23, 2008, 1:08 pm
These are the most powerful lessons of all!
Comment from Emily
Time: September 23, 2008, 1:31 pm
i just cried all over my action plan for the day. thank you for sharing that.
(for the record, that very song reminds me of a him, too.)
Comment from Kim
Time: September 23, 2008, 1:51 pm
Ok I am crying over here!! That was an amazing post and it captured brillantly the love God has for us!
Thank you for that reminder!
Love you,
Kim
Comment from Taylor
Time: September 23, 2008, 3:02 pm
Hi Amy Beth,
I’ve never commented here before…actually just started reading this past week. I am hesitant to even write this because I dont want to ‘compare’ your situation to mine or vice versa–it’s just, that I can relate. I really can. It’s been almost three weeks past one year. I know the not-be-able-to-breathe…wondering if you need to pull over to the side of the road because you cant see for the tears and you’re starting to feel a little light-headed.
All of your life-details may be different than mine, but one thing is the same for sure…He. Is. Faithful. When you know nothing else, when you cant get yourself together enough to answer a simple question, when you cant focus enough to decide the most mundane choice, when you realize that it’s all out of your control–remember, remember…HE. IS. FAITHFUL. He really, really Is.
Love you in Jesus–and I’ll be interceding. My hand on yours, just breathe.
-Taylor
Comment from Cindy
Time: September 23, 2008, 5:23 pm
Beautiful, my friend. Proud of you.
But would you REALLY have done mouth-to-mouth on a dog? I’m never going to be that enamored, am I?
Comment from Robyn
Time: September 23, 2008, 9:39 pm
This is my favorite post I’ve ever read on any blog or in any book. I LOVED IT and I will probably print it and hang it on my bathroom mirror. You are awesome.
Comment from Christy
Time: September 23, 2008, 11:50 pm
beautiful, just beautiful. How wonderful is the Father’s love for us.
Comment from Jmom@Lotsofscotts
Time: September 24, 2008, 4:35 pm
This post was incredible. Thanks for being so transparent. I am going to link here from my blog later if that is OK.
Comment from Kerry-Colored With Memories
Time: September 24, 2008, 5:07 pm
wow…all i can say is wow.
clicked over from lots of scotts and am so glad i did.
Comment from jessica
Time: September 24, 2008, 5:59 pm
Over from Lots of Scotts and wow! what a great post!
Comment from Stephanie
Time: September 24, 2008, 7:25 pm
That was beautiful. Thank you.
Comment from Steph
Time: September 24, 2008, 8:21 pm
Thank you for being willing to step out of the “normal” comfort zone to reach out to someone who was hurting so deeply. Your compassion is beautiful and you were able to show the love of Christ to someone who desperately needed it!
Thank you…
Comment from k&c’s mom
Time: September 24, 2008, 9:50 pm
Here from lotsofscotts. Loved your post. I’ll be back.
Comment from Kate
Time: September 24, 2008, 10:32 pm
I popped over from Lots of Scotts. Wow. What a wonderful perspective. More and more I see how much more our lives make sense when we try to look at them through God’s eyes rather than our own.
I went through a lot with my first huband, and I know that I’ve drawn on that time and time again when friends have needed an ear. I’ve grown thankful that God gave me the experiences to help me (hopefully) help them. And you were able to do this for a complete stranger.
Comment from Renee
Time: September 24, 2008, 11:21 pm
We came here from the Lots of Scotts post! WoW! We will be back!
Sweet blessings!
Renee and the ATH clan
P.S. We know lots about pink here!
Comment from Sallie
Time: September 25, 2008, 12:32 am
I also came from Lots of Scotts and I’ll be adding you to my favorite blogs now. What a great story. Thank you!
Comment from Kara
Time: September 25, 2008, 7:54 am
Thank you for sharing…that story shows just how selfless you are….you didn’t sit there and worry about your self and what you are going through…you made a complete stranger more important and helped her through a hard time. God is so good! It’s funny to sit here and think…God placed you at that register, at that time, with that song for a reason. He used you to minister to that girl! I came to your blog from Lots of Scotts…I will be a frequent reader now! I love your honesty and the way you allow God to use you!
Comment from Kim
Time: September 25, 2008, 8:58 am
I’m here by way of Lots of Scotts as well, and I have to tell you how blown away I was by your post. I’m sitting here at work in tears, trying to breathe myself so I don’t attract attention. I, too, desperately needed this right now… What a gift you have. What most people (myself included) would have considered an uncomfortable situation initially, you embraced. He put you there for a reason.
I do have to ask, how’s the puppy?
Comment from Amy
Time: September 25, 2008, 3:59 pm
Excellent. Gives me a lot to think about today. Thank you.
Comment from Stephanie
Time: September 25, 2008, 10:01 pm
You are inspirational! Found you through another blog. I’m going to add you to my blogroll if that’s okay with you.
How’s Cuddles?
Comment from Mandi
Time: September 27, 2008, 6:07 am
This is a great post! I found you through a link on the Lots of Scotts blog. The idea of Jesus petitioning on our behalf to the Father just blows me away!
Comment from Katherine Dyche
Time: October 4, 2008, 4:44 pm
I also found you through a link on the Lots of Scotts blog.
“And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed out His life.” Mark 15:37
This had me in tears.
I have a heart for foster parenting teenage mommies. We had the blessing of foster parenting a 16 year old and her two babies aged one and a her newborn. It was the hardest work ever and though she was a handful, we were blessed to co-parent with her. Now we are praying about taking in another teen mommy. We also have 4 beautiful children under the age of 7 that we adopted from foster. And, we are continuing alongside a single mom and her daughter. (We were foster parents for her daughter for nearly 2 years while mom worked out some things.)
I will be praying for your ministry and will be following your blog and story. Although your ministry is to a friend, I think co-parenting in any form is challenging.
In Christ,
Kat
Comment from Rachelle
Time: October 7, 2008, 3:30 pm
dear amy beth -
I too was in a on/off for 5 years- and it was so incredibly painful when it was finally and irrevocably over. so painful i did have to remind myself to breathe. but God had something so much more wonderful and amazing planned for me, i just had to be willing to let go and trust – which is hard- but so worth it! i know He has something so much more wonderful and more amazing that you could ever dream of planned for you too.
Comment from Celeste
Time: October 16, 2008, 12:14 pm
What a powerful image of Jesus saying, “I’ll breathe for her!” How compassionate and courageous of your taking the time to breathe with this salesgirl!
Comment from Amy @ Living a Blessed Life
Time: October 16, 2008, 1:45 pm
Hi there! Just popping over from Lysa T’s blog to say “hello!” What a fun, fun blog you’ve got! Love your profile pic. Thanks for the warm welcome. Looking forward to reading more. Blessings from Oregon, Amy
Comment from Kimberly
Time: October 21, 2008, 7:58 am
This is so powerful and absolutely beautiful. I love how He speaks to us of His love in all that is happening in our lives and around us.
Again, all I can say is beautiful!
Comment from Joy
Time: October 21, 2008, 10:21 am
Beautiful, beautiful post.
Just this past Sunday I was needing the breath of God, and a visiting Pastor shared this verse, John 20: 21,22, “Peace be with you…And when He had said this, He breathed on them…”
This just spoke so greatly to my heart. Thinking of Christ breathing on me. Do you know the hymn, “Breathe on me Breath of God”? I’ll close with those lyrics.
Breathe on me, breath of God,
Fill me with life anew,
That I may love what Thou dost love,
And do what Thou wouldst do.
Breathe on me, breath of God,
Until my heart is pure,
Until with Thee I will one will,
To do and to endure.
Breathe on me, breath of God,
Blend all my soul with Thine,
Until this earthly part of me
Glows with Thy fire divine.
Breathe on me, breath of God,
So shall I never die,
But live with Thee the perfect life
Of Thine eternity.
Blessings,
Joy
Comment from Rena Gunther
Time: October 21, 2008, 4:46 pm
This is so beautiful!
Well, breathtaking, actually. 
Glad I stopped by.
Rena Gunther
Comment from Amy @ Living a Blessed Life
Time: October 21, 2008, 7:15 pm
I’m so glad your post was chosen by Renee! Congrats!!! Can’t wait to hear how she turns it into a radio show. Rejoicing with you, Amy in OR
Comment from Sandy Cooper
Time: October 21, 2008, 10:33 pm
Just popped over to say congrats on being chosen for the special P31 radio opportunity. And I, for one, LOVE the pink. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the pink.
Blessings,
Sandy Cooper
http://www.godspeakstoday.blogspot.com
Comment from Heather
Time: October 21, 2008, 11:02 pm
Oh my goodness.
As a person who has had panic attacks frequently within the last year, I know what that girl was going through behind the register… and I know what it is to have someone come alongside and remind you to breathe…
Thank you for sharing your heart, and for the incredible encouragement in this, that Jesus is reminding me to breathe, and pleading before God on my behalf… WOW
God bless,
Heather
Comment from Lora
Time: October 23, 2008, 4:58 pm
Beautiful, just beautiful! And congrats on the Lisa T win! And I L.O.V.E. pink!
Comment from adad
Time: March 12, 2009, 3:25 pm
?????? QQ:224549200 ??”??”
back to Home
Comment from Kim
Time: September 22, 2008, 11:09 pm
…so that you make comfort others with the comfort with which you have been comforted…
God breathed through you for that young lady. You were God in a bod for her in a way no one else could have been in that situation. A true divine appointment.