In an effort to stay awake past 6 p.m. tonight, I decided to find something to watch, namely some movie on TV.  As typical, the Oxygen channel came through with an evening showing of Pride and Prejudice.  I decided to watch, mainly because of the personal irony surrounding it: nearly one year ago, I sat with my then-boyfriend watching this very movie, one of his favorites.

I remember watching the movie and wishing it would just end for crying out loud!  I didn’t understand anything that was going on in the storyline, even though I pretended like I was following the story.  This guy was — and is — way smarter than me and I didn’t want him to know that I was totally lost, even though I had seen the movie several times before.  I vaguely remember him pausing the movie to talk about some poetic line from it and me just nodding my head while wondering why we couldn’t just turn off the movie and get to kissing.

Oh, if you think that was too honest, just keep reading.

As I started watching the movie tonight, I realized that — for the first time — I was actually following the storyline!  I even understood who was flirting with who, something that isn’t that easy with this particular movie.  By the time it ended I knew that, though perhaps a year late, I had finally gotten the concept of the movie.

What a difference a year can make.

As I was reading over some of my posts from the last year to put together the end of the year review, I found myself cringing at some of the things I had written, particularly where I talked about not wanting to be single.  This is probably because, over the last month or so, God has spoken to me more about my singleness than ever before.

It all began with me asking Him to help me see singleness as a gift.  My head knows that it is a gift, but I sure haven’t felt it in my heart.  With His nudging, I looked over what I had written both here and in my personal diary and found that there seemed to be a theme: desperation.

This realization was a tough one for me, mainly because the only thing I want to be desperate for is Him.  He also gently helped me see quite a few other things, two of particular importance: first that my desire had turned into my idol and, secondly, that my feelings of loneliness tended to be more intense when I was not in intimate relationship with Him.

If He had tried to show me these things before now, I’m not sure I could have comprehended them.  I’m afraid it would have been a lot like my movie experience a year ago, with me pretending like I got it when I really didn’t.  I would have just been nodding my head, waiting until we could move onto something else.

But He knew already knew that and so He waited until I was ready.  Ready to understand, ready to receive words of correction with love.  And when the time was right — something only He could know — He made His move on my heart.

And so I’m not going to cringe anymore when I read back on those posts.  Because I know what a difference a year can make, both in movie-watching and heart-changing.  They say you can’t rush love, and I’m convinced that you also can’t rush Him.  He is well aware of my desire to have someone to love and be loved by, but He is also very well aware of the condition of my heart and the work that He and I must do in it before those desires can be realized.

And what I really wanted to say, with just a few hours left in this year that you’ve come along for each morning as you’ve shown up to read a bit about my life, is thank you.

Thank you for realizing that I have so much growth left to happen and that you’re seeing a lot of it — from the wicked to the wonderful — spilled onto the screen in front of you.  You’ve given me an incredible gift by letting me just be a girl in her early twenties, with all the confusion and beauty that comes along with the age.

What a difference a year can make, indeed.  And I can’t wait to see what the next one holds.

I hope you’ll come along with me for it.

It’s hard to believe that we’re getting ready to roll right into 2009.  And while I’m all over resolutions and fresh starts, I thought it might be fun to waste a bunch of time take a look back at ’08 through the little bloggy, especially since a lot of you haven’t been around for the whole year.

And what a year it’s been.

We started off slowly with quite a pathetic first blog post where I begged y’all to be my friends.  It wasn’t long before I was talking about my love of all things aquatic and dishing up that first helping of processed nacho cheese to the blog readers.  I must have had an obsession with cheese, since I compared myself to a slice of it while discussing my single status.  I confessed my true love of big hair to you early on and took you with me as I (nervously) ventured into the elementary school world. We certainly can’t forget how I had you all practically begging me to bring my “skills” to your local church.

And that was just January.

I continued to amaze you with my ability to act like a fool in February when I used the word “hottie” while speaking in a church and then, a mere day later, tackled the ultimate question while speaking to youth at another church: exactly how are babies made? I gave you a glimpse of the sweeter, younger Amy Beth and confessed a college crush gone bad.  I vowed revenge on the Starlite leader who deflated my air mattress at one of our sleepovers and got revenge on a bunch of ‘em just by posting these pictures. I took a blog vote on how I should wear my hair on a first date and then came home to tell you all about it.

March had me talking about my collection of wellies and introducing you to Imaginary Boyfriend. I snuck into the cockpit to say ‘ello to a pilot and killed an innocent pink bunny. Someone should have taken my cell phone away from me in church and someone should have definitely taken then roommate Katie’s cup of Jello away from her.

We began April with a bang, namely 101 things you didn’t know about me. The fun continued with the weirdest conversation about chocolate pudding fights I’ve ever had while sitting in an ER waiting room.  I had a some other “delightful” conversations as well, including one where Katie attempted to gain control of the Little Debbie supply. I figured out who I’ve been making my paper cube for all along, thanks to a little fourth grade girl.  I met the enemy who dealt me quite the foam-y blow and then watched my self-esteem take a blow of it’s own. And, in a foreshadowing of what was to come, I introduced you to my impressive cooking skills.

May began with me riding around on a golf cart with a boy before discovering birds in the Starlite office.  This resulted in me posting a video of me running in terror from the birds and then having to call Jeff in for the rescue.   This was also the month I wrote about not feeling pretty and the practice perfection of abstinence for this single girl.  I had a conversation with the local Fire Chief and made a sweet baby gift.  I broke hearts in Aruba and finally confessed my secret obsession to you.  I discovered that loving guys is (apparently) such a sin and also discovered that I’m not very good at flirting.  I also featured Imaginary Boyfriend on video for the first (and last) time ever.

June began with me suddenly embracing my single status.  I proved I really do have a big mouth, tried to justify Sunny Delight and gave you a peek at the junk I put up with during our all night sleepovers.  I told you that I believed that it would be fun to take a kidlet to the grocery store with me and sold a broken toilet to raise money for the ministry, yo.  I learned that you should be careful what you post and once again set my dinner on fire.  I introduced you to my favorite waiter Trey and decided to run away with him.  If that wasn’t enough, we ended the month with our first video of Cousin Cate, one of my favorite to date.

July started with yet more proof that I am nothing if not a delicate flower.  This was the month I first showed you pictures I had taken and was blown away by your response.  I told you about a secret fear of mine and gave you a much-needed cooking lesson.  I gave you the first hint that major changes were coming my way before finally giving you the big news.  I went for a Sunday afternoon drive and got a good reminder to read between the lines.

August was a busy month that started out with a trip to take care of my eyebrows and a little party to celebrate The Most Awesome Engaged Couple Ever.  I made the breakfast of champions and wished I could talk to myself six years ago.  I caught a flight to San Antonio to attend my first Beth Moore event where I also tried my first puffy taco.  My dreams of what Beth’s hair would look like were not just met but actually exceeded.  I had an unfortunate incident at Babies ‘R Us and helped give a fun baby shower.

September was a tough month in my life, the start of a season I’m glad I didn’t see coming.  I wrote one of my most introspective posts of the year here and dealt with some serious pain behind the scenes of the blog.  I perked up when I heard that my true love was coming home to me and tried smores for the first time.   I wrote about forgetting to breathe and learned that I’ve been missing out on true love’s kiss.

October started off with me kissing my new file system and learning about Target’s incredible blankets.  I was given quite the surprise courtesy of Empowered Magazine and vowed to do better the next time I fell in love.  I went on a fun weekend getaway that took two posts to describe.  I showed you what an afternoon in Starlite is like and wrote way too many posts about my love of Dollywood.  I ended the month by starting the quest towards fitting into the little black dress.

November began with a trip to see Disney on Ice and a bomb threat during one of our Starlite programs.  Before long there was very exciting news to report and hot pockets to be eaten.  I ate a slice of humble pie and took my college girls to have some major fun.  The end of the month brought an end to a chapter of my life, too.

December found me searching for stability and laughing at Cousin Cate’s country accent.  Making a mature decision resulted in my nights suddenly becoming silent and the realization that some things just never change.  I proved that I’ve got a long way to go when it comes to maturity and tried to convince my college girls that they’re gonna miss this.   I had cereal for lunch in the college dining hall and celebrated all of Allie’s hassle for a tassle.  I took up a short-lived career in carpentry and almost had my identity stolen.

Looking back over this year — both through the posts you’ve read and the stories I haven’t dared blog — I see a girl who is trying so hard.

A girl who loved, a girl who lost.  A girl who blessed, a girl who cursed.  A girl who tried to help but sometimes ended up only hurting.  A girl who was surprised to fall for love and bitter about falling out of it.  A girl who shows maturity beyond her years and a girl who needs several more years worth of maturity.  A girl who won some battles and lost a few others.

Maybe it’s ironic, but I think my last post of the year, particularly the last few words of it, does the best job of summing up how I feel about my year.  Because more than anything, I see a mess.

That somehow got made into a year long message.

1. I got Round 2 of the stomach flu right before Christmas.  I have no words to tell you how awful it was to basically miss Christmas.  I plan to have a personal re-do sometime around July, even though it’ll be just me celebrating.

2. I received a gift card to Cracker Barrel as one of my Christmas gifts.  Even better?  It was from my grandmother’s boyfriend.

3. Oh yes.  You read that correctly.  My grandmother has a boyfriend.

4. For the last two days, I haven’t left my house.  Nor have I changed out of my pajamas.  If you know me in real life, you know that the last time this happened was basically… well, never.

5. I slept until 1 p.m. yesterday.

6. The Type A in me is mortified to admit that previous fact.  HOWEVER, I must have needed the sleep.  Obvs.  Right?  Someone?

7. I have the next week off from work (both jobs) which never, ever happens.  I will be spending my time moving out of my house (more to come on this later) and helping Allie get ready for her wedding (less than two weeks away!).

8. I also plan to sleep in each day since I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.  HA.

9. I’m working on a little end ‘o the year bloggy round up post-y for you to re-cap our year here at MinSoFab.  It should be up sometime Monday and will offer you the opportunity to dive into the archives to find gems such as the time I almost set the house on fire whilst making a microwave pizza.  I’m sure you’ll be anxiously waiting for the post to go live.  Please, don’t hurt yourself clicking “refresh.”

10. I wrote three blog posts earlier today that I deleted before I ever clicked “publish” mainly cause they were just me saying “Hello, my life is a mess” three different ways.

11. God has been known to make a message out of a mess, so I’ve heard.

This won’t apply to most of you, but then again, this isn’t written for most of you.

But if you happen to be sitting alone tonight, no family or friends around to share leftover Christmas cookies and memories with you, someone understands.

If you didn’t get to watch someone you love open the gift you bought for them or even open your own from them, someone understands.

And if you went to bed alone on Christmas night, wondering why Christmas couldn’t seem to find the way to your quiet bedroom, someone understands.

Chin up, love.  Maybe next year will be our year.

Right before the holidays began, I had the opportunity to take Sam’s picture for his family Christmas card.  We jumped into my car and headed downtown to try to get some good pictures before the sun went down.  Sam was an absolute angel, just like last time. See for yourself!

The following was dictated to me in bed this morning:

This is MacKenzie. Cuddles is adorable. He is sitting on my lap right now. Snuggles is a boy. He is trying to lick me.

Today we are going to see Santa at the mall, at the mall, at the mall. All I want for Christmas is a puppy. Amy Beth let me open two of my Christmas gifts so far. On Sunday I got a Disney Princess stamp pad set. On Monday I got High School Musical pins for my shirt.

Snuggles is barking right now. I am going to put him back on the bed with us.

My lips feel better this morning. They hurted really bad yesterday because we ate french fries at the fancy place. At the mall today Amy Beth is taking me to Libby Lou, Build A Bear, Claire’s and that place that starts with a D by the food place.

We ate dinner at Cracker Barrel last night. I ate a pancake. Amy Beth’s dad and stepmom took us. Her dad turned into Santa when we went to his house! They gave me three High School Musical dolls and a Barbie doctor doll. I played with them in the bath last night.

Funny bunny. Did the blog people laugh when I said that? Funny bunny! That sounds funny, doesn’t it, Amy Beth? Funny bunny!

Amy Beth has ten thousand gifts in the back of her car for me. The are pink, striped and polka dot wrapping paper. I get to open them on Christmas Eve.

We are going to the mall now. Funny bunny, funny bunny, funny bunny!

MacKenzie

Prepare yourself for the ultimate irony.  You’re going to love this.

I actually wrote today’s earlier post about too much kissing while I was standing in the Apple store in the mall.  Don’t worry, kidlet was playing a video game right beside me.

Fake Parenting Award ‘O The Year, earned just as we’re closing out 2008!

As soon as I finished getting my daily blog fix, I told MacKenzie that I had a special treat for her: I was taking her to lunch at “The Fancy Place” (what she calls Ruby Tuesdays).  We had a lovely lunch of mini-hamburgers and some very spicy french fries.  We both kept talking about how spicy they were — they were seriously so spicy that we each only ate a couple of them.

Fast forward to tonight: our lips have been burning LIKE THE FIRES FROM HADES FOR HOURS NOW. Also: they are puffy and swollen, but not the “oh, she’s got great lips” kind of swollen look. 

Thus, our conversation on the drive home tonight:

MacKenzie: “My lips are burning really bad, Amy Beth!”

Me: “I know, baby.  Mine hurt too but I don’t know what to do.”

MacKenzie: “Is this what it feels like when you kiss a boy for too long?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

Hey, at least it’ll encourage her to maintain a high level of purity when she’s a teenager.

Also: The lady at the table next to us had a live puppy on her table throughout our meal.  I just needed to share that with someone as it seemed perfectly natural to MacKenzie, the girl who couldn’t figure out why I thought that was weird.

The last time I had MacKenzie with me, she overheard me say my then-boyfriend’s name to a friend on the phone.  As soon as I hung up, she asked if I had a boyfriend and, if so, could she please call him on the phone.  I let her call him because, let’s be honest, it could be another seven years before the opportunity presents itself again.

I suspected it wouldn’t take long for MacKenzie to ask me if she could use my cell to call him again this visit.  Sure enough, she asked when we were less than a mile from her house.  She has a fascination with me dating, marrying, etc. anyone as it would interfere with her ultimate plan for me to marry her dad.  

“Well,” I started, trying to think of the best way to break the news. “He’s not my boyfriend anymore.  We’re just friends now.”

Silence from the booster seat.  And then…

“How many times did you kiss him?”

Oh man.  Not a good question.  NOT A GOOD QUESTION.

“Well, several times.  But girls shouldn’t kiss boys…” Um, haven’t I had this conversation once before?

“How many times, Amy Beth?  Tell me exactly.”

Silence from the driver’s seat.

“Yep, you kissed him a million times, didn’t you?  And you made him so tired of kissing that he just wanted to be your friend.  You shouldn’t have kissed him so much.  Can we go to McDonalds?”

I will take her advice under consideration for the next time around.

I was buying a few Christmas gifts earlier this evening when a cashier asked to see my driver’s license as I handed over my debit card.

“Sorry,” she said, obviously wishing she didn’t have to make the request. “I have to ask for it.”

I quickly assured her that I appreciated her asking for it, something I say each time my ID is asked for in stores.  I want my identity protected, of course.

And that’s when I heard Him whisper “It’s my job to protect your identity, too.”

The holidays can be, for some, the saddest part of their year, especially if they’re alone.  I rarely post anything on here from my private diary, but I’ll make an exception to show just how lonely it can sometimes feel with this entry I wrote one holiday last year:

There I stood in aisle 13, just staring at the rows of canned biscuits and cinnamon rolls and, of course, the cookies.

As I looked over the varieties, trying to find the old fashioned chocolate chip ones, my reasoning began its usual debate.

“Pointless!  There’s no reason!  Don’t even reach for them.”

But, of course, I reached.  After all, what if someone called at the last minute to invite me to spend the holiday with them?  I wouldn’t want to arrive empty handed.  Yes, I’ll buy the cookies — just in case.  Two packages, actually.  It might be a big party!

And now, now they just mock me from their second shelf in my fridge.  Just another ugly reminder that, on this holiday and all others, here I am alone.

This past Thanksgiving was the first one of my life where I was in a relationship during the actual holiday.  In my heart, I already knew that things weren’t going to work out between us but I tried to ignore that as I walked into my dad’s home with what seemed like proof that I was worth being loved standing right beside me.

“Baby, come meet my grandparents.” Now they’ll know I’m capable of a stable relationship.

“Dad, this is —-.”  Look, I finally brought someone home for the holidays.

“Oh, we’re off to GA tonight for Katie’s engagement party!”  See, I’m not alone this year.

It was as if I suddenly had this new sense of worth because someone saw enough worth in me to want to be with me.  Brick by brick, I was building a false sense of security that I knew would come crumbling down soon.  But even though I knew that we wouldn’t be staying together much longer, I was happy to remain in my fake world of worth as long as possible.  It was a world in which I was wanted, the very thing most of us crave.

As I suspected, God didn’t let me stay there very long.  My true identity was being stolen and I sure wasn’t making it difficult for it to be taken from me!  I was practically handing it over, trading it in for a fake identity that wasn’t me at all.

How ridiculous would it be for a father to allow his daughter to go about life thinking she’s a barnyard animal, a horse perhaps?  No good father would do that because it just isn’t the truth. Thank God — literally, thank God — that He loves me enough to not allow me to go about life with a fake identity.  He’s insistent that I know who I am, the real me.

Especially since I have to come to Him to find out just who that girl truly is.

Late yesterday afternoon, I ventured out to Target to attack my Christmas gift list.  I’ve scaled back my gift-giving list this year, but I had a few people that I wanted to get things for and what better time to begin shopping than six days before Christmas?

I headed straight to the toy section, determined to knock MacKenzie’s gifts out first.  I had a few specific things in mind but lo, those gifts were not to be found in the picked over toy aisles.  I wanted to get her one of the spa kits that lets you make your own bubble bath, lip gloss, etc. but all I could find was one measly refill kit.  I never thought I’d have to say this, but I actually left Target disappointed.

I KNOW.  ‘Bout breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

I did find a couple of things for her and picked up a little something for my brother, too.  I certainly hadn’t made much progress though, so I pulled my shoulders back, held my head up high, got in my car and started down the highway to Hades.

You may know it by its proper name, Wal-Mart Toy Section.

I want you to know that I wore my brave face as I grabbed a cart and started towards those infamous aisles.  Sure, I trembled a bit when I saw some baby dolls thrown to the floor in the center aisle but did I let that stop me?  No, no I didn’t because I, I am a Christmas FIGHTER, y’all.

I finally made it to the aisle I was looking for although I couldn’t actually push my cart through it due to the amount of frantic mothers with their own carts.  Undeterred, I parked my cart at the end of the aisle, mustered up all the authority in me and said “Easy Bake Over, show thyself immediately!”

I am nothing if not a soldier ready for battle.

I’m pleased to report that I did find the Easy Bake Oven after a few minutes in the trenches.  As I stood there looking at the selection (and I use that term lightly), I realized that I had forgotten two crucial elements to the Easy Bake Oven purchase:

1. Easy Bake Ovens are the gift that keeps on giving.  In other words, every time wee MacKenzie makes one of their little lopsided vanilla cakes with stale sprinkles on top, I was going to have to eat it.

and

2. Easy Bake Ovens are the gift that keeps on requiring.  In other words, every time wee MacKenzie wants to make one of those little lopsided vanilla cakes with stale sprinkles on top, I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO BUY MORE MIX AT $5.44 A POP.

Our vats of processed nacho cheese only cost $5.46 each.  Easy Bake Oven Company?  Please.

As you can imagine, this threw the proverbial wrench in my plans.  But then, with my little eye I spied something laying upside down, forlorn and discarded: A SNO-CONE MACHINE!

I’m happy to report that it’s now sitting on my kitchen table, ready to be wrapped alongside her other gifts (still not going to tell you what they are — we need some suspense here, for crying out loud!).  The only problem with the machine (so far, at least) is that Wal-Mart doesn’t sell sno-cone flavoring during the winter months.

That’s why I’m heading to Sonic in a bit to buy some off of them.