Silent night.
When one of my college girls sits down across from me and asks where the box of tissues is, I can usually guess the problem immediately: boys. Of course, there’s rare occasions when it’s something else — stress with school, problems with parents back home, etc. But most of the time, it’s boys, plain and simple.
These tearful conversations usually don’t happen until something has gone amiss, naturally. Each of their stories are different, some more heartbreaking than others. But after several years of hearing these conversations about a full dorm worth of boys, I’ve picked up on one similarity that their stories all have in common: the grieving of the loss of regular communication from that boy.
That, of course, is a fancy way of saying that they’re upset that he isn’t calling anymore, that their phone isn’t vibrating with a new text. The realization that there won’t be an email from him to wake up to the next morning is enough to go ahead and open up another box of Kleenex. Losing a relationship means losing the knowledge that, at the end of the day, there’s someone out there in the world that wants to know that you’re home safe and sound, tucked away in bed just waiting for their call.
I understand this, obviously, because I am still one of them. Maybe a few years older, but really, still a girl that can get awfully attached to knowing that the phone is going to ring that night without fail, that the text messages will come in steady succession.
Over the last few weeks, I had the opportunity to get very attached to it (and oh, you don’t know how hard it was to keep from telling y’all about it!). Hours spent talking about everything — but really nothing, of course — before goodnights that took an average of 16 minutes to finish only to be followed by texts declaring that we already missed each others’ voice and other ridiculous mush. It was fun and it was exciting and it was just a breath of fresh air straight into my heart that so wants to be loved.
But now it’s gone, a right and (dare I say) mature decision that was made just in time. It’s a good thing, a decision that is best for both and made because it’s just the right thing to do. You’d be proud of me, I think, for choosing what’s best over what’s easiest.
The only problem is that it doesn’t make the phone ring at night.
Adjusting back to that reality — the reality of, quite literally, a silent night — is a tricky thing that, if not done properly, can result in many tears and, far worse, the Christian girl’s version of drunk dialing: the 11 p.m. phone call asking the recent-yet-now-ex-boyfriend for prayer for her great-aunt’s knee problem.
Oh don’t act like you’ve never done it.
For the last few nights, as I’ve worked on adjusting to my new reality of my unlimited cell minutes being, well, unused, I’ve tried a lot of different things to fill my evenings. There was cleaning out the kitchen cabinets last Thursday night, an failed attempt at a bubble bath on Friday night (it’s a long story), the reading of one very thick book Saturday evening and even a misguided stomach flu to round out Sunday night. While I deserved an A for effort, I failed at the overall exam: I still missed my nightly phone calls.
So tonight, when the sky went dark, I decided to try something different. I pulled out a few candles (to set the mood, of course), checked my hair in the mirror (lacking volume, but no time to fix that), sat myself down on the ottoman that sits in front of the brown leather chair in my living room, hugged my knees to my chest and said the words I had grown used to saying each night these past few weeks:
“So, how was your day today?”
We talked for a long time tonight, just me on that ottoman and Him in that chair. I told him about my day and how work went and even about the broken mailbox at the Starlite office that packing tape hasn’t yet fixed (yet another reason we need men willing to sport some Starlite pink). I couldn’t help but thinking, as I sat there with a silent cell phone beside me, that I wasn’t getting what I’d been asking for, what I had been begging to have delivered by the ring of a phone each evening.
It’s been sitting in that brown chair in my living room all along, just waiting for me to pull up an ottoman and sit for awhile.
You’ve got this girl in tears tonight. As always, thanks for your honesty.
Thinking I need to have me a talk with Jesus, too. I miss Him.
What a beautiful post, Amy Beth. Reconnecting with the One who matters above all is what we all need! Thank you for sharing.
Just beautiful.
i lied and faked sick to miss work today because i haven’t slept properly in weeks, i know God is calling me to end a relationship but i just can’t do it… i’m scared of being alone. no more dinners, movies, and random texts, what if no one wants me?
then the JW’s came knocking at my door this morning. they tried to convert me but as they said their words, words of truth came pouring out my mouth – words about Jesus and His love and my security in His grace.
then reading this i know that i’m not alone. not alone because God is there, not alone because there is another girl 1/2 way across the world feeling like me.
thanks. God is good to remind me of His faithfulness.
There is far too much truth in these words that I can identify with.
I am totally guilty of feeling lonely and texting someone I shouldn’t.
Really AB, when I read your posts you teach me so much about myself.
I look forward to seeing you this weekend. Maybe you could fill me in a little? I love you Amy Beth and I am so proud of you for making such a hard, but good decision! You know the Guy you talked to while sitting on the ottoman, HE is proud of you too!
Oh the tears running down my face reading this post…how can something so hard turn out so beautiful. I think that is why we turn to Him over and over again because He is always so faithful to us. Sitting in that brown chair just waiting for us to come and sit down.
Thank you, AB, for your authenticity and for reminding me of my First Love.
I drove past our Cracker Barrel today and so badly wanted to sit and just chat with you over fried chicken. I am not that much older than you but it sounds like your maturity protected you from potential future heartache and that is such a blessing, that took me much too long to learn.
Wow – what a message you can share with others who feel that void….
I’m not single, but I still need to sit down and talk to Him. I try to replace Him with other people and no one can be with me like He can. Thanks.
Beautifully written and just what I needed to read right now. Thanks.
I love this post.
I understand and sympathize with your loneliness. And, even in a large crowd of people – I still sometimes feel lonely. I know that the Lord has someone great for me, but I am pretty sure that He is not sending Him disguised as the pizza delivery driver. So, I started asking the Lord to change my focus. To remind me to be grateful for where I am and to focus on being the best me. I can be a mom, friend, sister, etc and fulfill a large part of my emotional need. I am aware that there is no one who can ever fulfill all of my expectations. So – I have started telling friends that I need daily phone calls to talk about my day. I need people to call and check on me. And you know what – they do. I will pray for you as you find your own comfort zone… I know that the Lord works on us most when we are all alone. Big hugs for you!
I understand AB!! Thanks for posting this, as you know (with my recent circumstance) Im REALLY missing the phone calls and text messages! BIG time!
Very beautiful post. I think we have all been there – wishing the phone would ring & desparately trying to resist the urge to call someone we shouldn’t.
Good for you making a wise decision about a relationship (far too often we follow our feelings and lead ourselves in the wrong direction!).
Thanks for the reminder for all of us – go to the One who knows our hurts and loves us through our tears and ugliness. The One who ALWAYS wants what is best for us. He always listens, doesn’t judge, and most of all – genuinely cares!
It’s been awhile, but I remember what it was like being alone & desperately wanting not to be alone! I keep looking for the guy every day, but I was not looking for the guy God wanted for me. I just wanted to have a guy that was 1/2 decent. Finally I got sick of all the losers decided I was done w/ guys. Wouldn’t you know that a mere 3 months later, God brought the RIGHT man to me & I didn’t have to go looking for him!
I know that at just the right time God will bring just the right guy to you Amy Beth. You have alot of people praying for you! (And if you really want to talk to somebody, well, you can always call me!)
So sweet and honest.
Don’t ever settle for less than God’s best for you just to have “someone”.
Your heart is precious, AB. And yes, we are proud of you for choosing that which is best over that which is okay right now… but more than us, Jesus is.
Praying for your lonely heart, sweet girl.
proud of you!
[...] you think last night’s post where I suggest I may perhaps be on my way to maturity was a little too confident, I present the [...]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2671nJMXv8
Bless this broken road ~ Selah
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign, pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That lead me straight to you
I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan, that is coming true
Every long lost dream, lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That lead me straight to you
Now I’m just rolling home
Into your loving arms
This much I know, is true
That God blessed the broken road
That lead me straight to you
Yes, God blessed the broken road
That lead me straight to you
you crack me up with the “christian girls” version of drunk dialing- so true! been there, done that.
[...] About six months ago. I learned a lot. [...]