Identity theft.
I was buying a few Christmas gifts earlier this evening when a cashier asked to see my driver’s license as I handed over my debit card.
“Sorry,” she said, obviously wishing she didn’t have to make the request. “I have to ask for it.”
I quickly assured her that I appreciated her asking for it, something I say each time my ID is asked for in stores. I want my identity protected, of course.
And that’s when I heard Him whisper “It’s my job to protect your identity, too.”
The holidays can be, for some, the saddest part of their year, especially if they’re alone. I rarely post anything on here from my private diary, but I’ll make an exception to show just how lonely it can sometimes feel with this entry I wrote one holiday last year:
There I stood in aisle 13, just staring at the rows of canned biscuits and cinnamon rolls and, of course, the cookies.
As I looked over the varieties, trying to find the old fashioned chocolate chip ones, my reasoning began its usual debate.
“Pointless! There’s no reason! Don’t even reach for them.”
But, of course, I reached. After all, what if someone called at the last minute to invite me to spend the holiday with them? I wouldn’t want to arrive empty handed. Yes, I’ll buy the cookies — just in case. Two packages, actually. It might be a big party!
And now, now they just mock me from their second shelf in my fridge. Just another ugly reminder that, on this holiday and all others, here I am alone.
This past Thanksgiving was the first one of my life where I was in a relationship during the actual holiday. In my heart, I already knew that things weren’t going to work out between us but I tried to ignore that as I walked into my dad’s home with what seemed like proof that I was worth being loved standing right beside me.
“Baby, come meet my grandparents.” Now they’ll know I’m capable of a stable relationship.
“Dad, this is —-.” Look, I finally brought someone home for the holidays.
“Oh, we’re off to GA tonight for Katie’s engagement party!” See, I’m not alone this year.
It was as if I suddenly had this new sense of worth because someone saw enough worth in me to want to be with me. Brick by brick, I was building a false sense of security that I knew would come crumbling down soon. But even though I knew that we wouldn’t be staying together much longer, I was happy to remain in my fake world of worth as long as possible. It was a world in which I was wanted, the very thing most of us crave.
As I suspected, God didn’t let me stay there very long. My true identity was being stolen and I sure wasn’t making it difficult for it to be taken from me! I was practically handing it over, trading it in for a fake identity that wasn’t me at all.
How ridiculous would it be for a father to allow his daughter to go about life thinking she’s a barnyard animal, a horse perhaps? No good father would do that because it just isn’t the truth. Thank God — literally, thank God — that He loves me enough to not allow me to go about life with a fake identity. He’s insistent that I know who I am, the real me.
Especially since I have to come to Him to find out just who that girl truly is.
Posted: December 19th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 21
Comments
Comment from Michelle
Time: December 20, 2008, 12:54 am
I feel you Amy Beth…as always.
I am going to be all alone up until Christmas it seems.
That could have come straight out of my diary. Seriously.
I am probably going to have to come back and read this again in the next few days, just to remind myself.
Comment from Mrs B
Time: December 20, 2008, 1:12 am
Amy and Michelle, you are welcome to celebrate with me. No cookies necessary. 
Comment from Sara
Time: December 20, 2008, 1:13 am
Alone too. Lonely as well, which the two don’t always come hand in hand, at least not here.
Comment from Christy
Time: December 20, 2008, 1:37 am
Um. Wow. I wrote about something like this a few days ago on my blog…the loneliness. I too am learning my identity can only be found in one thing. Him. I am also learning that the glorious LOVE He provides is enough.
Beautiful post AB and I hope you have a wonderful holiday with just Him by your side and know He loves you oh so much. I know it’s true because I am discovering it myself.
Blessings.
Comment from Cyndi
Time: December 20, 2008, 1:56 am
Beautiful post, Amy Beth. From another 27-year-old bride (well, I was 15 years ago) who was sure she was headed for a crazy cat lady life.
Comment from Sarah
Time: December 20, 2008, 2:32 am
I am reminded of this quote “The greatest burden we have to carry in life is self. The most difficult thing we have to manage is self…In laying off your burdens, therefore, the first one you must get rid of is yourself. You must hand yourself…into the care and keeping of your God…He made you and therefore He understands you, and knows how to manage you, and you must trust Him to do it” (Hannah Whitall Smith)
What a beautiful post!
Comment from Judy S. @ Just Enough Light
Time: December 20, 2008, 2:43 am
I remember when I had broken up with a long-time boyfriend making sure I told people that I had just come out of a long relationship. It took me a while to be able to just say, “No.” to the question about if I was dating any one. And it felt very freeing when I got to the point of feeling okay about that. Okay in my identity as a daughter of the King. Praying for ya and hang in there.
Comment from Beth
Time: December 20, 2008, 10:30 am
wow, AB, this is such a neat post, thank you for sharing it, you are amazing.
Comment from Leslie Ruth
Time: December 20, 2008, 10:35 am
I am so proud of you…and grateful for this reminder. Trust me, even in marriage, even in a marriage to the absolutely right guy, knowing my identity as a beloved daughter of Christ can be easy to lose sight of.
Comment from Wendi
Time: December 20, 2008, 10:50 am
I’m so glad that He is showing you these truths now. It is so valuable! You are so beautiful inside and out.
Comment from Racer
Time: December 20, 2008, 11:33 am
AB, what a beautifully honest post.
Comment from Emmy
Time: December 20, 2008, 11:46 am
Amy Beth- You are so precious! I LOVED getting to spend 20 minutes with you yesterday! I so wish I could have stayed longer! I could talk and hear your stories all day long! You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I have ever met! I am thankful to Him for giving me that gift yesterday! You are the real deal Amy Beth… and I am so thankful to the Lord that He has brought you into my life twice! You have a HUGE worth… you are dear and one of the most unselfish people I have ever met! I hope I can be more like you one day… You truly reflect Him… thank you for being Jesus in the flesh for so many… you are a gift Amy Beth and I pray you will feel that today! God Bless- Emmy : )
Comment from taylor
Time: December 20, 2008, 12:01 pm
goodness, that was so me last thanksgiving. thank you for putting into words all that i was thinking and feeling then [and now]. most days i’m convinced my spinsterhood is inevitable, but i still fight it with a sliver of hope that i am worth loving. here’s to praying we both realize more and more each day that the greatest love of all is already ours!
Comment from Sarah@ Life in the Parsonage
Time: December 20, 2008, 12:04 pm
Wow. Reading this was really…eye opening.
Your worth…your value is so much different than you perceive it. Do you have any idea that whenever you leave a comment or email a reply to me, I think to my little ole self, AMY BETH took the time to write to ME?!? It makes my day…YOU do that…and I know I’m not the only one that thinks that way
All this to say…you are not alone in battling these feelings. All of us, married with children or not, still battle those feelings of wanting to be approved of, good enough…
What you said about our heavenly Father is exactly right…He loves us that much.
Comment from Krissie
Time: December 20, 2008, 12:16 pm
This is one of my favorite posts of yours. Thanks for sharing your heart. I can definitely relate.
Much love this Christmas!
Comment from trs
Time: December 20, 2008, 3:25 pm
Beautiful AmyBeth. You are so incredibly beautiful – throughout! God is just preparing a man to be worthy of all that graciousness. Relax, it might take a while.
And… I don’t want to be negative here… cuz maybe it’s different in the South… but anyone who says “I didn’t get married UNTIL…” and the age is below 30 – um, you don’t get to say until. Sweetie, you married young. And now you’re just making lonely people feel worse.
Comment from Chatty Kelly
Time: December 21, 2008, 12:00 am
Yay You! I just loved this post, what insight. Now believe! you are worthy! You are a daughter of the King! Be strong!
Merry Christmas, Amy Beth!
Your old friend, Kelly (40 & Fabulous!)
Comment from amykay
Time: December 21, 2008, 1:59 am
what an amazingly simple yet complex revelation. we are just enough!
(and by the way, the number of people who would be CRAZY BLOWN AWAY to have an hour to hang out with you? oh yeah. you’re plenty fabulous just how you are– just how HE made you.)
Comment from Deidre
Time: December 21, 2008, 11:24 pm
If not carefully guarded and engrossed in the Word, we ALL are tempted to give up who we are for validation.
I am so looking forward to that book you are going to write, Amy Beth …. do you hear that … it’s the nudging of the Holy Spirit! ha!
Comment from Caleb
Time: December 22, 2008, 1:17 am
“Especially since I have to come to Him to find out just who that girl(guy) truly is.”
I know how you feel. It rings true in my own life.
Big prayers for you.
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Comment from Mocha with Linda
Time: December 20, 2008, 12:49 am
Wow, Amy. That is so beautiful.
I was where you were once. I didn’t get married until I was 27. You have a beautiful identity.