Protect that good thing.
After I got off work today, I quickly changed clothes, pulled my hair back and generally got ready for my hot Friday night date with the indoor pool at my local gym. After a few good laps, I headed to the shallow end to stretch a little before getting out of the nearly empty pool. A little girl, playing beside me, was approached by a boy a bit older than her to see if she wanted to play a game of catch using a small toy the girl had with her. From what I could tell, the premise of the game was that she would swim around with it while he chased her to try to “get” it from her. They played this game for awhile, as the girl was a quick swimmer — surprisingly faster than the boy. He began yelling at her to just give him the toy, but she refused and kept on swimming circles around him.
Around this time, another little girl entered the pool. Without even a glance towards the girl he had been playing with, the boy took off in the direction of the new girl and promptly began playing with her, leaving the girl with the toy alone on my side of the pool. She looked at me with a confused look on her face, almost as if she was silently asking me what she should do. I gave her a little smile and was just about to tell her I would play with her when she began swimming towards the boy, while yelling his name in an attempt to get his attention and then, finally, practically screaming a last ditch effort to get him back:
“I’ll give it to you if you’ll just come back over here! Come back here and I’ll give it to you!”
He glanced over his shoulder to find the girl holding the toy out to him and then turned around to the new girl and began laughing. I wasn’t surprised to see tears begin to fall down the cheeks of the little girl left holding her toy, alone in her little part of the pool.
And I knew exactly how she felt.
When I was in North Carolina this past weekend, I snuck away for a few hours to have lunch with my former youth pastor and his wife. He became my youth pastor when I was in sixth grade and, to this day, when someone asks me which male has had the most influence in my life, his name is always the one I give.
After we finished lunch, we headed over to the church he now pastors so he could get me a copy of a recent sermon of his that I wanted to hear. As we were waiting, he asked me about a recent relationship I had been in that had ended (this relationship remained private, so it isn’t one that could be identified from this post). In only two sentences, I explained part of why it had ended with very blunt truth: I wasn’t willing to give up what I would have needed to in order to keep this person around, apparently.
To be honest, it was my first real experience of having to seriously test out what I say I believe about choosing to wait to have sex until marriage. Until this particular relationship, it was a very easy promise to keep. And then, suddenly, the tables turned.
He told me I was pretty and, when I argued about it, he put his hand over my mouth to make me be quiet. He told me I was what he had been looking for, the missing piece to his puzzle. He told me he was sorry the night we fought over the phone, and drove 2.5 hours to my doorstep to say it in person. He drove whenever we went somewhere and let me fall asleep in the front seat, even when he was bored. He fell silent when he opened the 27 cards I wrote for his 27th birthday. He told my cousin he planned to marry me one day. He told me he loved me.
And yet, I didn’t give it up. Oh, trust me: I both had the opportunity and wanted to at times.
(That thud you just heard? It was the group of genteel Christian women fainting from reading a Jesus-loving girl admitting that, GASP, she has a sex drive. I can only imagine how many Sunday School prayer lists I’ll be added to this week.)
But I didn’t. And, a few days later, he was gone. A day later — ONE DAY LATER — he was with someone else, trying to see if the grass really is greener in another backyard, I guess. To this day, I honestly don’t know what was going through his mind; I can only guess by the clues he gave me in those final days.
You would think that I would have been relieved to know that I hadn’t given up something so significant to me to a mere mirage. And, for awhile, I was. That was a close call, my friends would say. Aren’t you so thankful that you waited? I would nod my head, afraid to tell them the question that was really going through my mind, afraid they’d judge me or even just not understand.
And so, I told my youth pastor instead, that day we stood in the empty church sanctuary.
“The worst part of it is that, while I don’t want to be with him again, sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I would have just slept with him.” I couldn’t even look him in the eyes while I admitted the secret question that had been haunting me for weeks.
And, as long as I live, I will never forget what happened next.
He waited until I lifted my face, until I locked eyes with him. And then, very quietly and firmly, the first and only man in my life who has ever encouraged me to choose purity over passion said the following words:
“If your decision to not sleep with this guy were to result in you spending every night for the rest of your life alone, I would be so happy for you because at least you would still have your integrity when you went to bed every night.”
I was still thinking about his answer when as I was driving home from the wedding weekend. The girls who were in my car and I were discussing how hard it is to wait, especially when most of the people around us aren’t — we are definitely in the minority. I was switching lanes on I-40 when it suddenly hit me.
The next time I find myself in the heat of the moment, faced with the decision of whether to wait or not, my decision to wait doesn’t need to be simply because I don’t want an STD, because I’m afraid of getting pregnant or even because I want my husband to know that I waited for him, as wonderful as that will be. My decision to wait needs to be based on the fact that God asks me to wait and it is in my best interest to obey Him.
Whether it is popular or not.
Whether it is what my flesh feels like doing or not.
And whether it leaves me alone or not.
Oh, and that little girl in the pool with me tonight? She was wearing a pink bathing suit.
And calling out to a boy bearing the exact same name as the one in my story tonight.
“Protect that good thing entrusted to you, through the Holy Spirit who lives within us.”
2 Timothy 1:14, New English Translation
Visit Kelly’s Korner for more moments of ministry.
Posted: January 16th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 48
Comments
Comment from Mocha with Linda
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:08 am
Oh, that is precious, Amy Beth. Hold tight to it. GOD is worth it.
Comment from Vicky
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:12 am
I prayed for that little girl just now… and for you 
Another beautiful post, Amy Beth!
Comment from Leslie Ruth
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:20 am
Oh, Amy Beth, you are so brave. And I am so proud of you.
Comment from Ashley
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:23 am
I most definitely needed to read this tonight. It home for me. I, too, understand how hard it is to wait, but I believe that my obedience to God is going to be worth it all.
Thank you for this post and your awesome blog!
Comment from Christina
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:34 am
thank you so much for your honesty and for this post.
Comment from Christy
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:39 am
I am crying for that little girl…we are taught at such a young age that boys are so important and how unimportant we are without one. It breaks my heart and it is part of the reason I do what I do.
Thankfully we have the most handsomest, bravest, most romantic beau on the planet…Our Jesus.
I am glad you have someone like your old youth pastor in your life AB, to remind you, from a guy’s pov, how very special you are. And that you are worth waiting for.
Comment from Fran
Time: January 17, 2009, 1:07 am
AB, I just love ya. I love who you are and I love that youth pastor that you STILL have in your life.
Comment from Ashleigh (Heart and Home)
Time: January 17, 2009, 1:16 am
Powerful. Simply Awesome, AB.
Comment from The Diaper Diaries
Time: January 17, 2009, 1:32 am
This is a great post. I am so glad you shared it.
Comment from Lisa @ The PW
Time: January 17, 2009, 1:33 am
From someone who didn’t guard that good thing, TRUST ME, there is victory in being able to look at every old flame in the eye and know no shame.
Hang on sweet girl.
Comment from sweethomealagirl
Time: January 17, 2009, 1:51 am
amen girl. amen!
Comment from Kristen Schiffman
Time: January 17, 2009, 1:55 am
Isn’t this the truth? I remember being in your position well. Thank you for writing about this…what a powerful encouragement you are to us.
Comment from Judy S. @ Just Enough Light
Time: January 17, 2009, 2:20 am
Way to go! Trust me, nothing is worth living with the regret the rest of your life. Thanks for sharing so honestly. There are so MANY genteel Christian women who have secrets you wouldn’t believe and so need to know they are not alone and there is a safe place to go and there are safe people to talk to. Yay for all the young people that youth pastor of your has been able to reach. Thank you. I love your blog.
Comment from Kelley
Time: January 17, 2009, 2:34 am
Thanks for sharing! I think a lot of boys (they aren’t really men, now are they since they push and don’t like to hear the word “no”) push because they are just in for the challenege – I’m so glad for you and your future that you were stronger. It’s true: If he really loved you, he would love you more when you say no!!!
Comment from Michelle
Time: January 17, 2009, 2:49 am
Amy Beth, my friend and I were discussing this just last week. This exact thing. I think this post is something so many “older” Christian single girls struggle with. You are far from alone in your thinking and feeling. I wish I could say I was one of those girls who finds it easy – but this is far more of a struggle for me now than it used to be.
Thank you once again for writing out what is in my heart.
Comment from trs
Time: January 17, 2009, 2:49 am
beautiful. I’m sending this to my nieces.
Thanks for writing it you beautiful soul you.
Comment from Sarah Kate in WA state
Time: January 17, 2009, 3:09 am
And He so knows what he’s talking about! As someone who has been blessed to have waited for my husband on our wedding night – I just want to encourage you that is so amazingly worth it to enter into marriage knowing you’ve chosen God’s BEST – there is such freedom, joy, and delight when you get to experience it the way God intended. Not easy, by any means, during the “wait” – but oh, so worth it!
Truly God has blessed you with wisdom beyond your years! I know He has someone amazing waiting for you.
Comment from Emily
Time: January 17, 2009, 8:42 am
You’re my hero and I’m so glad that Jesus has your heart.
Comment from Brittany
Time: January 17, 2009, 9:43 am
You rock Ab. Good for you. I know for a fact that God honors those who obey Him and it is so worth it. Just hold on to His promises. It’s hard but doable. Philipians 4 :13.
And I also think it’s ridiculous of those ‘genteel christian women’ to think that you only get a sex drive AFTER you put on the wedding ring. A woman is a woman. Don’t feel bad about the way GOD made you.
Comment from Ronnica
Time: January 17, 2009, 10:23 am
I totally recognized myself in that little girl as soon as you started telling the story.
I too am waiting until marriage, and you’re right, it’s not easy. Sometimes it seems like I’m alone…until I look around and see several strong, Christian girls around me.
Comment from mandy
Time: January 17, 2009, 10:28 am
With 3 daughters at home…I’ll be referring to this post about 5 years from now. Thanks Amy Beth.
Comment from Kim
Time: January 17, 2009, 11:09 am
Amy Beth – I’m 42 year old, never married, Jesus loving single woman who had to take the same stand about three years ago. He was a professor with an Mdiv. teaching at a large Christian university and on the board of an internationally known youth ministry and with tickets to the VIP tent at Billy Graham events and a published author with a Christian publishing house.
I’m still sleeping alone (save for the Boxer Babes) and at this point believe I always will; however, IT WAS WORTH IT!
I will surrender myself only to my husband or my Jesus on the day he calls me home.
Hang tough, Girl! You are worth it. He definitely was not!
Comment from Becky Jo
Time: January 17, 2009, 11:28 am
Have I mentioned that I waited … for THIRTY FOUR STINKIN’ YEARS?!?!?!?!?!?! Have I told you how hard it was to wait. Or how hard it was to see the one I thought I would marry walk away because I would not give in – even though he gave me expensive jewelry … um that is a bracelet, NOT a wedding ring!!! Have I told you that for years afterwards I wondered what it would have been like if I just had. Even though after we broke up he stalked me, taunted me, threatened and scared me to death for 2 YEARS?
Have I also told you that the man I DID wait for took me to the most expensive hotel in town – the presidential suite no less – because, just in case I was not ready yet, he still wanted my wedding night to be as perfect as it could be? And did I tell you that I felt so safe in his arms, that I did NOT have to wait. AND have I told you that the night WAS perfect!
And so very, very, VERY worth it!
And absolutely EVERYTHING that God ever intends for it to be.
Now, have I told ya that you are amazing? And that I love ya?
‘Cause I do!
Comment from taryn in ny
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:00 pm
that story about the little girls in the pool brought me to tears because it fit the situation perfectly.
this is such an amazing post. it really is. i read it last night but haven’t commented on it until this morning… when i read it again. there is much to be learned about this post.
XOXOXO
Comment from Amber
Time: January 17, 2009, 2:31 pm
You’ll never regret the waiting… never ever. But you would forever regret a compromise, even if it is just a partial one. I promise.
Comment from Jenni I
Time: January 17, 2009, 2:36 pm
This is exactly what I needed to hear… and didn’t even know it.
Thank you for your honesty, and courage.
Comment from debbie d.
Time: January 17, 2009, 5:04 pm
“(That thud you just heard? It was the group of genteel Christian women fainting from reading a Jesus-loving girl admitting that, GASP, she has a sex drive. I can only imagine how many Sunday School prayer lists I’ll be added to this week.)”
If that’s true…then those genteel women need to go back to the planet they came from and let the rest of us get on with our lives…
Comment from Tiffany-Z
Time: January 17, 2009, 8:05 pm
What a wonderful example you are to the precious girls you minister to. Thank you for always allowing God to use you, even when it’s not always easy.
Comment from Sarah@ Life in the Parsonage
Time: January 17, 2009, 8:43 pm
I remember that feeling…of being the only one waiting…of wondering if it really was worth it. I’m on the other side now, and after 10 years of marriage I know beyond all shadow of a doubt that it was worth it…
Your raw honesty is powerful here Amy Beth.
Comment from Chatty Kelly
Time: January 17, 2009, 10:15 pm
I’m glad you waited. I know it was hard. (there is a pun THERE, but we’ll ignore it….)
But who cares what I think, whether I’m glad…the truth is God cares about you and that you waited because of Him. You made God smile. That is pretty cool.
Comment from Sandy Dobbins
Time: January 18, 2009, 9:10 am
I wish you lived closer to Ohio, so you could, encourage the young women I see every Wednesday night at young life. They are middle school girls, sometimes there are over a 100 of them on a Wednesday night, the world wants them to be having sex and looking 30, but they just want to be middle schooler’s and not be embarrassed to be themselves.
Comment from jmom@lotsofscotts
Time: January 18, 2009, 9:29 am
I,too, have been there…the girl who lost dates because I was that girl who was not going to give it up. Thre were periods of time in my mid twenties when I wondered if I should just give it up. I am SO GLAD I did not…and regret some compromises I made along the way.
This is an AWESOME post. I really hope you’ll share it with girls you minister too.
(And for the record, I did not thud…but no one has ever called me genteel. )
Comment from cara maggie
Time: January 18, 2009, 1:53 pm
i love you, abb!
Comment from Tiffany
Time: January 18, 2009, 4:05 pm
I’ve been a secret reader for nearly a year now, but this post was so…true to me, and my life, that I had to comment. It’s hard waiting; I’ll be twenty next month, but sometimes I feel like no one will ever want me, except for that. Thank you for reminding me that one Man has wanted me all my life–He’s waiting for me, no matter what the world says.
Comment from abby
Time: January 18, 2009, 9:47 pm
AB,
Your youth pastor is clearly a good man and a good role model. I wish my dad would have said that to me when I pulled a similar-styled integrity move. But I think that more often than not, people lack the courage to say what they should. And to answer that nagging question…it sucks that we are hardwired to want acceptance and approval, but the secret is finding the right person to get approval and acceptance from.
Comment from Krista
Time: January 19, 2009, 2:41 am
Oh Amy Beth. How I wish we didn’t have to learn this lesson at all. I wish I could still be in your shoes and do over the things that I did.
I only ever had 2 boyfriends before my husband (and that’s saying something because I didn’t get married until I was 25). The first one is still a casual acquaintance. And I don’t regret being with him at all. I’m sad that I hurt him so badly when we broke up.
The second one, oh do I have regrets about that. And the worst part is that it NEVER GOES AWAY. It comes back at the worst times. Times when I’m trying to be intimate with my husband. It haunts me. This is what God is trying to protect us from when he tells us to wait. No amount of in the moment pleasure will ever make up for the feelings later.
And yes, I pretty much regretted it immediately, not later after I got married.
You are so worth waiting for and I am praying that God is preparing your young man as you wait.
Love you lots!
Comment from Vanderbilt Wife
Time: January 19, 2009, 10:04 am
I am so glad I will be able to tell my daughter that her dad and I were both virgins when we got married. Truth–it was a little awkward at first. But I am SO GLAD I don’t have the memories of being with someone else when I am with my husband.
Yes, people think it’s weird–but God thinks it’s His perfect plan. You are awesome, sweetie.
Love, Jessie
Comment from Bethany
Time: January 19, 2009, 10:55 am
So very powerful. It’s hard to wait, definitely. Still, I will, for just the reason you posted.
Comment from taylor
Time: January 19, 2009, 3:18 pm
my struggle is the opposite – what would have happened if we hadn’t crossed that line?
but like yours, he told everyone and their dog he wanted to marry me. he said “i love you,” he bonded deeply with my nieces, and i was so blinded by it all. i was already damaged merchandise, i reasoned, and giving my heart and body to someone i thought truly loved me this time didn’t seem so wrong in the heated moments. i obviously know better for so many reasons.
i can’t go very long without wondering how different things might have played out had i resisted. would he have thought i really was what everyone assumed? would i be holier to him, perfect like his new fiance? i have a feeling i’m still better off, for i would have settled deeply if i’d stayed by his side. things are full cirlcle now, i guess, because i would much rather fall asleep each night alone than beside someone i settled for to escape loneliness.
Comment from jenny
Time: January 19, 2009, 8:38 pm
thank you. you have no idea how much I needed to read this today.
Comment from jessica
Time: January 21, 2009, 11:26 am
AB – You have such an amazing way with words! Another great post!
Pingback from Ministry So Fabulous! » Think of what you were.
Time: January 23, 2009, 10:07 am
[...] was when He found me, I’m hoping to focus next week’s posts on my follow-up thoughts on this post from last week, especially after reading through the emails it generated. I say “hoping” because [...]
Comment from Ashli
Time: January 23, 2009, 11:34 am
I read this post last week, but came back and reread it when you posted about it today. Being a almost 21 year old, just waiting on God to send me my prince is hard and I really needed that especially today. Thanks again for always sharing your heart with us!
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: January 23, 2009, 6:56 pm
I think you hit upon a HUGE point when you said it all comes down to “God asks me to wait.”
So many of the other arguments can be thwarted.
“You could get pregnant or end up with STDs.”
“I’ll use birth control.”
“You need to be mature and in love.”
“I am mature and in love.”
“You need to be with that one person you’ll spend your life with.”
“We’re engaged now. The license is just a technicality, right?”
But the fact that God says WAIT and He treats purity as something HUGE? You can’t get around that.
Beautiful honesty, as always, AB. And for the record, I am a Yankee and non-genteel, so I didn’t even gasp. (But you’ll stay on my prayer list anyway. That’s OK, right?)
Pingback from Ministry So Fabulous! » And now, watch as Amy Beth dives into a series of posts she may end up regretting.
Time: January 26, 2009, 2:43 pm
[...] week that I was working up the nerve to write more (almost a response) to the feedback I got on this post about the big s-e-x. Or, you know, lack thereof in this single girl’s [...]
Pingback from Ministry So Fabulous! » Too legit to quit.
Time: January 27, 2009, 12:24 pm
[...] don’t know this but, when I wrote the initial post that got this whole thing started, I almost deleted it before posting it. It wasn’t that I was ashamed or embarrassed to post [...]
Comment from Robin
Time: September 12, 2009, 12:11 am
Amy Beth I have blog-stalked you for several years and I don’t remember ever commenting. This is, I know, an old post that I’m re-reading, but I wanted to share what many others already have. Like some, I fell for the “I love you” line and gave away what I should have kept. What I have found in God is that He will not restore innocence, but He does desire to restore purity. Some days I still live with the “what if we hadn’t crossed the line” question, but I am reminded every time that He doesn’t ask that question and He doesn’t want me to either. There are people who do think they’re better or more whole Christians because they are virgins. Some days I see them that way, so I don’t blame them. But it’s an easy pit to fall into, and I am glad you didn’t. Continue to guard your heart
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Comment from rachel
Time: January 17, 2009, 12:03 am
Oh Amy this moved me so much I had to type out a comment on my iPod. What an amazing post! Thank you for sharing. I’d like to read this to the teen girls in my youth group if that’s ok. Just so they can hear the Truth from someone other than me.