Filled.
I’m only 24 years old, so I’m well aware that I do not know it all.
Well, unless you’re talking about processed nacho cheese. Of that, I am an expert.
One thing that I do, however, know a lot about is what it feels like to try to fill a hole in your heart with something, anything. I know what it feels like to suddenly become painfully aware that, at some point in your life, you missed out on getting some vital emotional need fulfilled.
And can I just stop for a second and tell you that yes, in fact there are certain things that we need as humans — much less as females — to function as emotionally healthy people. I will never forget sitting in a grad class — Adolescent Development, to be exact — one Tuesday afternoon when the professor began talking about the various emotional components that have been found — proven! — in emotionally healthy adolescents. I won’t give you a lecture on them, mainly ’cause we can probably all make general assumptions: as children and adolescents, we needed to feel safe, protected, provided for…
And, of course, loved.
I’ll never forget that day because I almost fell out of my chair just listening to the professor go over what probably sounded mundane to the rest of the class. I had spent the last few years of my life trying to “come to terms” with certain aspects of my childhood and teenage years and had in some twisted way actually convinced myself that I had never deserved to feel safe, protected, loved. I simply couldn’t grieve the loss of those things because I truly believed I had never deserved them in the first place.
That day, on the back row of a small classroom, something shifted in my mind as I realized that those things I somehow have always known were missing weren’t just something that I should dismiss as a pessimistic attitude or the product of an ungrateful heart. It was suddenly okay for me to acknowledge that, unfortunately, those emotional needs had never been met during those formative years of my life.
The next step was to figure out what to do with that realization.
And I think that’s where our discussion this week really comes full circle, where we get to the heart of the matter. What is it we’re actually looking for when we fall into that guy’s arms, when we hesitantly take the first step into his bedroom? Is what the world has told us true? Are we just looking for a good time that night, a chance to act our age?
Maybe. But then again, maybe not.
I can’t speak for every girl, but I can tell you that this girl has spent one too many nights looking for something she’ll never find in any guy, including whichever man God has destined for me to marry. Let me assure you that this is just one of many lessons I’m learning even as I type this post — you’re getting the real-time, currently-in-the-learning-curve Amy Beth today. It is just now in my life — seriously, within the last month or so — that God has been able to do some open-heart surgery that is long overdue. And the biggest part of it? Just simple questions from me — and honest answers from Him.
“God, I just need someone to talk to at night!” Talk to Me, Amy Beth.
“I just want to know that someone cares about me.” I care about you, darling.
“No one will ever want me!” You were wanted by Me long before you were born.
“I don’t feel loved.” And yet you are loved, by Me, the very One who created love.
I won’t lie to you — I don’t always get it right. Just this week, I called Cousin Cate far too late one night to ask her to keep me accountable from making a choice that was a direct attempt to offset loneliness. Was the loneliness real and maybe even valid? Well, yes.
But was my attempt to counteract those feelings what I needed to be doing? Absolutely not. I was taking a need in my life and trying to fill it myself by looking to another human to fill it instead of taking it straight to God, the only One who can truly fulfill all needs in my life — the physical needs, the spiritual needs and definitely the emotional needs.
Does He work through human hands and hearts to sometimes fill those needs? I think so, but the point is the same: He is the one doing the filling. And you better believe it’s something I need to learn now, at age 24. I’m well aware that, when I one day walk down the aisle wearing a white dress, my needs will not cease to exist. I suspect I’ll still need Jesus just as much as I do now, probably even more than I do now. I’ll still be having to choose to protect that good thing, even when I’m married — don’t EVEN get me started about how I’m convicted that bad emotional and sexual tendencies when you’re single can, when left unchanged, turn into major problems when you’re married.
Why yes, my married girlfriends, I did hear that amen from all the way over here.
And it’s just another reason in a very long list of why I’m so glad He isn’t willing to leave me how He found me. One glance at my heart shows that He’s not done with me yet.
But we sure aren’t where we started.
Posted: January 29th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 17
Comments
Comment from Brittany
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:14 am
Growing really hurts. But I’m finding out that it feels pretty good when you get to the other side. As a married gal, I’m learning those lessons right along with you. You’re in my prayers.
Comment from Michelle
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:15 am
Amy Beth, you have once again hit the nail on the head.
“I’m well aware that, when I one day walk down the aisle wearing a white dress, my needs will not cease to exist.”
So often we allow ourselves to think that marriage will be the solution to everything.
Comment from Christine
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:52 am
Bravo, AB! Such fantastic insight your Heavenly Father is blessing you with. You’re absolutely right that you’ll need Jesus even more after marriage, if that’s possible. At the very least, you certainly won’t need him any less. Praying for you and your continued journey dwon the insight road.
Comment from Amanda
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:33 am
Wow, you’ve really put into words things that my ever dwindling group of single girl friends and I have been wrestling with throughout the past few years. It’s not easy to be a single gal in her early twenties in our society. There’s a sex-crazed culture on one side and a church culture which far too often is geared toward couples on the other. And the single girl standing in the middle.
Thanks for writing this series of posts…definitely an encouragement and I’m sharing them with my girls.
We can never be reminded enough where to turn for true fulfillment.
Comment from Julia
Time: January 30, 2009, 4:44 am
Wow. I am awed!
Comment from Wendi
Time: January 30, 2009, 8:56 am
Amen… 
Comment from Abby
Time: January 30, 2009, 9:22 am
From a soon to be old single girl to a younger one… this post was chock-full-o’-wisdom. I have run from love and craved it at the same time. Why? I have watched clients and friends go through the emotional and physical ringer in relationships, and it scares me. I continue to inch toward a greater understanding that God is the one who takes care of all of the emotions. I can’t expect anyone else to make me feel secure, etc. I have to let go of my expectations for others and put those on God. Rough, but worthwhile stuff.
Comment from Becky Jo
Time: January 30, 2009, 9:24 am
That “Amen” that was quickly followed by the “preach it Sister!” … yeah, that was mine!
LOVE you!!!!
Comment from anna cordes
Time: January 30, 2009, 10:00 am
this was EXACTLY what my heart needed. i’m SO right there with you. i was having one of those “no one will ever love me moments” and was just crying out to God. hoping to find something to distract me, i turned my ipod onto song shuffle. wouldn’t you know the first song was “lovely” by shawn mcdonald. what a beautiful reminder! praying for you!!!
Comment from Theresa
Time: January 30, 2009, 11:14 am
Thank you for your words of wisdom, I needed them , to make me know I am not the only struggling with the unmet needs of my child and teen years, and my married adult life. I need to rely on God to meet them, not my husband or my kids but God!
Thank you for being Amy Beth and being used of God to touch many lives. You are not alone, we are all here loving you and praying for you daily!!
Comment from taryn in ny
Time: January 30, 2009, 11:31 am
ok. this is SO weird because i just had a conversation with my cousin tracy this morning about a few things. she is 31 and single- can’t find a nice christian boy (did i really say boy? man- you know what i mean) and i just explained to her all the reasons not to go for the one she thought might be worth a shot… and our conversation led to me and things i am going through right now- and it all came full circle when we both talked about God loving us and Him wanting us whole, healthy, and Him loving us. Our conversation touched on many points that you’ve been talking about all week.
wow.
xOXOXo
Comment from Jmom
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:09 pm
You will definitely be better equipped for marriage having gleaned so much of this as a single gal. I thank God everyday He let me wait until 28 to marry.
Comment from Rachel
Time: January 30, 2009, 1:26 pm
My “Amen” is resonating over here!
You struck a very important issue here. The loneliness (and other accompanying emotions) should never be minimized or marginalized because they are VERY REAL reflections of what is going on within one’s heart. But then one must learn to the Truth from the Word of God about those powerful emotions – and sometimes it is an extremely hard choice to believe what He says. But praise Him He is faithful, and He fills those gaps and holes so unbelievably, better than anything we could have dreamed of or imagined ourselves.
And yes, AB, know this: that one day you are going to TOTALLY BLESS whatever young man you marry, because the Lord is preparing you now to be His woman first, which is the greatest gift you can give a future husband. I went through something similar where God literally ripped everything familiar and comforting (including an engagement to a cute, Christian boy) out of my life because I was not ready nor willing to be His woman first. It was a hard time – growth and discipline always are – but I look back now and can echo your last sentence: it’s so nice to see how far He’s brought me. And eventually that prince, the real man the Lord planned for me, did come. He’ll come for you too one day, and you’ll be the greatest gift short of salvation that God has given Him.
I feel like it’s a little “captain obvious” to say, but I LOVE these posts!
Comment from taylor
Time: January 30, 2009, 2:45 pm
*ahem* amen, hallelujah!
love this post, love your insight, and love you!
Comment from Chatty Kelly
Time: January 30, 2009, 6:17 pm
This is from my blog…but you are right on.
You know, Walt led us astray. As young girls, we’re filled with the notion that Prince Charming is going to ride in on a white stallion and save us. We get married clutching tightly to this dream. And then real life happens.
Maybe after a long hard day with the kids you’re waiting for your prince to swoop in on his white horse, only to have him call and say he has to work late. Maybe you want him to slay that dragon that is bothering you, and he just says “I’m sure you can handle it” and kisses you on the forehead as he walks out the door with his golf bag over his shoulder. Maybe you have unfair expectations of your husband?
I recently stumbled upon this verse in my quiet time:
Psalm 146:3 “Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save you.”
Wow. Walt Disney was wrong. The verse goes on to tell us who we should put our trust in:
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God. (Psalm 146:5)
When you count on your husband to make all your dreams come true, you are giving him too high and lofty a goal to live up to. Then strife occurs. How could it not?
I urge you to look to the true and only prince, the Prince of Peace. He can meet your every need, leaving you satisfied to be the loving wife your husband needs. And at the end times, he will be the one riding in on the white horse. Then we’ll live happily ever after.
Isaiah 9:6 — For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Psalm 121:1, 2 — I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Revelation 19:11 — I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war.
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: February 2, 2009, 11:23 pm
DANG GIRL! Once again, I’m at a loss for words.
Or, more correctly, there are so many words I think we would need to go to coffee (Cracker Barrel?) to get it all out in a semi-coherent fashion.
Maybe I’ll send you an e-mail.
back to Home
Comment from Katrina
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:07 am
I feel like hearing that lecture on needing to be loved could do me some good.