Voices.
Cousin Cate and I met up yesterday afternoon at the local Dairy Queen to try to finish our Esther Bible Study homework for this week (is anyone else sensing a Wednesday afternoon pattern beginning to form?). After a few minutes of silence, I heard her unmistakable voice say “Mmmhmm, that’s RIGHT!” I naturally asked what she had just read, knowing that she was working on the section about the concubines being sent to King Xerxes, something you would think (or at least hope!) I wouldn’t be able to identify with.
And yet you’d be wrong. Beth writes:
“I’ve never competed for a king’s attention, but I certainly know what a person feels like who has given herself to someone in unhealthy and ungodly conditions and ended up feeling more rejected and misused than ever.” Esther: It’s Tough Being A Woman, pg. 46
Well, then.
I’d like to say that I can’t identify with the statement above, that I have chosen to never give parts of myself up under those circumstances. I’d like to be able to, as one of you wrote in the comments of another post, be able to look every old flame in the eye and know no shame. I’d like to say that I have no regrets when it comes to this area of my life, that I protected that good thing each and every time it was threatened.
Unfortunately, I can’t say those things. But thanks to a God who is able to turn the wicked into wonderful, I can say a whole lot of other things instead.
I can tell you that what you read in the quote above is true: giving parts of yourself away under circumstances outside of God’s divine will for your life will leave you feeling more rejected and misused than your mind can even begin to comprehend.
I can tell you that giving something away in an attempt to keep him around typically only sets the stage for him to do just the opposite, taking with him whatever it was you offered in those last few desperate hours as he walked out of your life.
And I can also tell you that it’s hard not to give yourself away like that when you need love.
I crave love, probably because I have a serious deficit of it in some very vital family relationships in my life. I’m not used to being loved in an unconditional, affectionate, stable way. That just hasn’t been my experience so far in life.
And so when love in the form of a romantic relationship does come around, I literally blossom before your very eyes. The smallest things mean the world to me, probably because I am not used to them. You have never seen a girl get more excited over being called affectionate pet names — ANY AFFECTIONATE PET NAME — than your ABB. I once dated a guy that called me “girlie” and I promise you every single time I saw that word pop up in a text message from him, I seriously thought I would faint. It probably wouldn’t mean very much to most other girls, ones that are used to being spoken to in an affectionate manner.
But for the rest of us, the ones who somehow didn’t get the love they needed during those important, formative years… well, even just one word affectionately spoken can cause us to become unbelievably attached to the person who spoke those words to us.
Which is why it matters just which voice we’re listening to — especially if it isn’t His.
Posted: January 29th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 12
Comments
Comment from Ali
Time: January 29, 2009, 10:50 am
I have “jokingly” told people that, with me, flattery will get you everywhere. But behind every joke is a little bit of truth. I never had a male tell me I was beautiful growing up, so I can still very vividly remember the first time a guy told me that…and how much I gave away in exchange.
Comment from Cate aka C.C.
Time: January 29, 2009, 10:52 am
AMEN SISTA! i’ve even fallen for those “affection words” from men who don’t even speak english!! sometimes, i had no idea what them boys was sayin, but if they had that little sparkle in they eyes while they were a mumblin….shoot i didn’t care what they were sayin.
“See this back?……..oh yea, there’s a bone in there now!”
Comment from Jenna
Time: January 29, 2009, 12:23 pm
Hitting nails on their heads ALL OVER THE PLACE, my sista.
Comment from Anneke
Time: January 29, 2009, 12:35 pm
Last night in the 7th grade girls Bible Study that I help lead, one of the girls asked this quesion in the midst of our discussion: “Why does it hurt so much when a boy breaks up with me, but I don’t feel as bad when I’m not spending time with God?” I thought that was a big question from such a young heart, and one that even us “grown up girls” still struggle with. Even though I’m married, I’m still extremely guilty of giving my husband all of my time, energy, and love with very little left over for God. Why do we look for perfect romance in the sweet yet sinful guys in our life, but miss the Perfect Romantic who wants so badly to woo us?
Comment from Wendi
Time: January 29, 2009, 1:50 pm
So, the insightfulness continues. How very true this all is. I can also relate to the lack of healthy male attention while growing up – it makes you so desperate for it that it can be scary.
I’m thinkin’ I already said this a time or two, but I am so gald you are writing about these things.
Yay for you! 
Comment from Shara
Time: January 29, 2009, 2:55 pm
I’d like to suggest that in addition to your amazing blog entries you add something called “Weekly Words of Wisdom from Cousin Cate.” The little things she says always have me laughing!!
Comment from Becca @ the Stanley Clan
Time: January 29, 2009, 2:56 pm
Girl you are spot-on today!
“Which is why it matters just which voice we’re listening to — especially if it isn’t His.” Amen!
Comment from Bethany@MyLifeinBlackandWhite
Time: January 29, 2009, 5:35 pm
“I can tell you that giving something away in an attempt to keep him around typically only sets the stage for him to do just the opposite, taking with him whatever it was you offered in those last few desperate hours as he walked out of your life.”
And that’s how you know it’s not love at all. Because love is about giving, not taking, and relentless commitment, not leaving. (Sounds like the makings of a great country song, huh?)
Comment from Kim
Time: January 29, 2009, 6:05 pm
As always, well said!
And that’s why I’ve bestowed upon you the Kreativ Blogger Award! Since I luuuuurve your blog. Stop by to see what nice things I had to say about you
Comment from Megan
Time: January 29, 2009, 9:18 pm
Well said! Started the Esther study last week and I am loving it!
Comment from Isabella
Time: January 30, 2009, 12:14 am
This is one of the best posts I have EVER read (and I read a lot of blogs). Thanks, AB.
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Comment from Laura
Time: January 29, 2009, 9:42 am
AB, I just wanted to say that in the time I have been reading your blog, one of the things I have been so amazed by is your ability to GIVE unconditional love, especially to people others might not be giving it to. At first I thought, how did you learn how to do this without getting it yourself? But then I thought, maybe you learned how important it is better than other people for just that reason. And maybe, just maybe, that was the plan all along…