The caring for and loving of me.
Edited; 9:45 p.m.; 2/28/09
Being sick is quite the leveler in life; a dose of reality, if you will.
After being unable to break a 102 degree temp for several days, I finally had to go on a high dose of steroids a few days ago. The doctor asked to speak with whoever was taking care of me, to explain the side effects that would come along with them. I told him I live alone, but that there were people I could call if I needed something. He seemed hesitant as he explained that they might cause me to imagine things, even hallucinate. He didn’t feel comfortable with me being on them without someone there with me. I assured him that I would be fine, paid my bill at the front desk and made the short drive home.
I underestimated the effect the pills would have on me.
For the last couple of nights, my mind has played the cruelest tricks on me. I woke up in a cold sweat several different times that first night, certain that I heard the baby crying from the empty crib that still sits in the nursery below my bedroom. I’ll fall back asleep only to wake up a few minutes later thinking he was now laying in my bed, swaddled in blankets, still crying. I stood beside my bed, running my hands through the blankets until I convinced myself of what I already knew to be true: there is no baby in this house anymore.
And then there was last night, waking up at 1 a.m. wondering why he hadn’t called to tell me goodnight, he being the last boy I dated, of course. “He always calls before bed,” I thought, confused as to how I had apparently slept through his call. And then, as I picked up my cell phone to look for his missed call, it hit me: that ended three months ago, too. Both nights it was as if I was continually waking up three months ago, back in a life that I can’t even believe I lived.
There’s nothing like having a week of laying in your bed to think about your life, to take stock of what you have and what you don’t, to find out what is important about you and what isn’t.
To find out whether you matter or not.
In some realms, I do matter — particularly Starlite, I suppose. What I do or don’t do actually has consequence, good or bad. My existence matters where Starlite is concerned, of that I am certain.
But take that away and I’m left with one very hard question: to whom do I really matter?
I think it’s fair to say that I’ve spent a great deal of the last seven years of my life pouring into other people, taking care of them, if you will. I don’t regret it; it was the life I chose. But the last few months have left me feeling shadowed by a question that I’ve been too afraid to ask God: who is supposed to take care of me?
I know this post must make me sound incredibly selfish but, if so, then that’s just how I’ll have to come across today, I suppose. Or maybe I just am selfish.
Is it wrong to want to belong to someone? I’m not even necessarily referring to a boy, believe it or not. I’d settle for belonging to a boy, of course, and happily at that. I didn’t write about my last relationship, the one that started in the fall and ended as winter showed up mainly because I was afraid that it was too good to be true. Suddenly there was someone who I belonged to, someone who wanted to be with me. I’ll never forget the first time I walked into his house to find a letter with my name on it sitting on his coffee table, handwritten words telling me how glad he was that I was in his life, in his home. “You belong here,” he wrote. And, belong I did until I suddenly didn’t one day.
Looking back, I wish I would have written about those months, just to give you a peek at what I look like when I’m loved. I think it would help you understand just what kind of effect love can have on someone’s life, mine in particular.
I’ve realized this week that some change has subtly taken place in me over the last few months, a gradual giving up on the thought that I will have a place to belong. It’s almost as if I’ve just finally turned in the towel, given up on the idea that I matter relationally to someone, anyone. I know that isn’t the “Christian” thing to say; I’m supposed to tell you how I’m certain that God has a plan, to even assure Him that I know He is has everything under control. That would be the good thing to do, the thing that is expected of me.
But that’s not what I’m going to do tonight. In a few minutes, I’m going to close my laptop and set it on the floor beside my bed. I’ll give myself the medicine I’m supposed to take and turn off the lamp beside my bed. I’ll put my phone beside my pillow, pull the covers up to my chest and ask God the question that has haunted me for awhile now.
How in the world did You forget to assign someone to the caring for and loving of me?
This is the bravest post you have ever written. And if I hadn’t spent the last hour puking my own guts out, I would be over at your place lickety-split.
You are NOT selfish. You are honest and authentic. This is an incredibly valid need and desire. You DO matter. And I know that I could say that to you until I was blue in the face. You’d believe it. Kind of.
But I hear the cry of your HEART and I am grateful for it. I don’t know how God will answer it. I know I can pray for you and love on you the best I can as your friend. Your heart’s cry and your willingness to articulate it is beautiful and heartbreaking. I think, no, I KNOW God is going to honor it…
I love you, sweet friend.
You are NOT selfish, or un-Christian, or anything of the sort. Your are honest. You are vulnerable. You are loved.
God is using these very difficult days to prepare you for some other kind of day ahead. Maybe they will be easier days and you’ll be able to reach out and tell someone, “Oh, I know exactly how you feel.” Maybe they’ll be harder days when you wish you were sitting right where you are right now. Maybe these days will just continue to string together and you’ll look back someday and see how God held your hand through it all.
Whatever days are ahead for you, you can be assured that you DO matter to Someone. The most important Someone in the universe.
Oh Amy Beth! I’ve been hallucinating myself on medication this week. It’s not fun. That’s for sure.
I want you to know you are not selfish. Nothing about you is selfish. You do to me. And although we’ve never met and I live in NY- you and this lil hot pink bloggy certainly have changed my life and my life is better for knowing you.
Lots of love and hugs in NY, Taryn XOXOXO
* I meant to say you do matter to me
) again i’m a lil off from my medications
I came onto the blog today simply to show someone a video you posted a couple weeks ago but then I read this post and it broke my heart for you. AB you have NO idea what you mean to me or how much you have helped me get through my first semster here at Lee. Just knowing that you always have a smile and encouraging word for me no matter how bad of a day your having. I wish I said it more but thank you thank you for EVERYTHING. I love you! Call or txt me if you need anything.
Thank you for being so honest! I know there are tons of other women out there thinking the same thing you are, but not brave enough to voice it. God created us to need eachother, your desire to be part of a family is normal! I wish that we lived closer so I could come over there & take care of you. Believe me when I say that if you ever want to take a holiday I’m sure you will have no shortage of free places to stay. We love you & are praying for you to get better & also that God will bring the person He has planned for you into your life soon. Waiting is not easy!
Amy Beth,
Thank you for being willing to voice what is so true. I am thankful for all of the kind words you will receive in response to this post, but I also know – from long experience – that these words and the offers of places to vacation are not what will fill that longing.
It is true you are loved and that you would only have to ask and a myriad of your readers would fight over the chance to have you visit, but I also know and understand the feeling of being on the outside looking in – the feeling of not quite fitting or belonging – the feeling that no one would miss you until you didn’t show up for work – even those with whom you go to church faithfully each week.
So, I don’t offer you those words. What I offer, as one who has lived in that particular desert, is simply, “You are not alone in your longing. I walk the desert with you. I understand.”
Sleep well, Sweet Girl.
I’m praying for you… Surely God didn’t forget — it took Him a while to send someone for me too.
Beautiful post.
You are not forgotten. I promise.
It sounds like you desperately need some girl time… a retreat from Starlite and everything that needs you. You’ve got to take some time for yourself or you’ll just dry up completely.
I know we’ve never met up in real life, so you’ll probably think I’m insane for saying this. But I feel so led to just put it out there. I’m making a standing offer right now. If you want to run away for a day or two, pack up your most comfy pj’s and come to NC for some homemade soup and more Ben and Jerry’s than any girl should be allowed to eat in one lifetime.
I’m serious, Amy Beth. If you need to get away, you’ve got a sister in Christ with an open home and all the time in the world to let you sort things out.
I really mean it.
AB, you matter so much to me. I don’t have words to say how empty my life would be without you. Thanks for writing this. I’m so proud of you.
oh Amy Beth….there are no words…my hearts hearts for you friend…know that I am praying for you and that Mary and I love you sooo much!!! Also, if you ever need anyone to watch High School Musical with, just let me know.
Oh Amy Beth. I’m not sure if I have ever commented before tonight. I don’t think that I truly have words to say how much I KNOW you mean to people. Not just to Starlight. But to God, your friends, interns, and blog readers.
I know all too well that feeling you are feeling. Unloved. Not wanted. Lost. I’m feeling it right now. And as much as it hurts and as much as my head understands that I am loved, maybe not by earthly people but by God for sure… my heart is often too broken to understand that.
The feelings that you have aren’t wrong, they aren’t selfish, they aren’t unchristian… they are your feelings. We are all human.
It’s not wrong to want someone who cares, especially when you care so much, about so many people. I’ve been praying for the past week or so. And tonight I’m going to say a special prayer not just for you and me, but for everyone out there that feels unloved, unworthy, unwanted. For everyone out there that feels as though they won’t ever truly find their “family” in this world. And I hope that God can provide some answers to the both of us.
Thank you for your honesty. It is truly humbling.
that should have said, I’ve been praying for YOU for the past week or so.
God hasn’t forgotten anything. He was the one who created you to need a place to belong, to need different kinds of connections with different people. You’ve got the fun girlfriends part covered, and you’ve mentioned some mentor/teacher relationships. But it is perfectly alright for you to feel the tug of missing a family relationship, something that sticks with you outside of work and social hours. To acknowledge that is not selfish, just true. You wrote a little while back about acting your age and how good it felt. That is a two-edged sword in that most of your life is spent with those younger than you as well, so when it comes to real soul-nurturing, consistent, interpersonal care, you need someone else to fill that role. A real relationship is a good thing and you are allowed to want it.
I’m another one of those random strangers who happened upon your blog and wishes I knew you in real life, so I can’t offer anything significant to truly alleviate your hurt. Just know that lots of us noticed when you weren’t around, even in the blogosphere. You were missed. I just wish that could translate into something that filled your heart holes right now. Who knows? Maybe Mr. We-don’t-know-his-name-right-now hasn’t qualified to win you yet and God is getting him ready.
Amy Beth, my heart breaks because your’s is breaking. Thank you for your honesty. God does have a plan for you life. And you are incredablily loved by many.
Take your meds and get better soon!! We all miss you – because you are loved by us blog-readers!
Amy Beth, this is your sister from another mister weighing in. It has been a while girl, yet you still know how to pull on my heart strings and make me wonder how you understand me so well.
I have resigned myself to believing the same thing. It is just too hard not to. I know that….I get you. Sometimes no amount of friends came make up for that different type of love that you are missing. I get that too. I really don’t know what to say about it all, because I haven’t figured it all out myself. I know that you don’t need words right now, that you need love in action…you don’t just need it, you deserve it.
My dear, I don’t know how I know, but I just do, I really do believe that it is going to come to you.
Waiting is hard, but I will wait with you.
This is a great post, Amy Beth and reminds me of Matthew 11:2. John must have been so lonely, confused, scared and sad. Here he is supposed to be preparing for the Messiah and he’s in prison. I love how he asks the Messiah if he’s the real deal.
Amy Beth, your authenticity is so dear. I have checked your blog at least twice a day, hoping to hear an update on you. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down. I think it’s hard for us “interlings” to let you know how precious you are without coming across as creepy stalkers.
You are loved so much. A day is like a thousand years to him and a thousand years like a day. He is not slow in keeping his promises, even though it sure seems like it sometimes.
hugs!
Beautiful writing, but heartbreaking too. I have said this before in comments here, but I remember so well everything you are feeling. Only I did not wait on God’s timing as honorably as you are…I went looking for love in all the wrong places, and that is a whole different kind of loneliness. God knows the plans He has for you, Amy Beth, plans to prosper and to give you hope and a future.
I am not familiar with your family issues, but I pray that God gives you peace about that much harder to fix piece of your life. I am so sorry that you don’t have the loving earthly family you so richly deserve. I truly believe that one day you will build one of your own from scratch and that it will be so very, very worth waiting for.
Oh…. Amy Beth! I am another one of the people who found your blog a few months ago and have been hooked ever since. I have never commented before, but your post tonight so touched my heart.
I am praying for you tonight. May God’s peace and love surround you and comfort your heart. I am praying that someday soon He will fill that empty place in your heart with more than you ever hoped for or dreamed of!
I appreciate your honesty so much! That is why I read your blog. Let me just tell you something RIGHT. NOW! I have been right where you are, and it isn’t fun! It sucks, quite honestly! But, let me tell you that waiting for what God wanted, although sooo hard, was so worth it! I looked for love in all the wrong places, and usually got a quick fix with a heavy heartache hangover to follow. Looking back, I suppose God let me go through heartache/heartbreak/lonliness/confusion… you name it, to REALLY see just how much I needed Him. I don’t know why God chose to bless me with an incredible husband, who is so much more than I deserve, but He did. But, it was only after I came to the realization that I had to be happy with who I was, that He let me have it. Don’t get me wrong… Even though I don’t know you personally, I think that you really seem to “get it” and you really understand who you are in Christ. I just know that when everyone else is getting married, having babies, buying the house… whatever, it stinks to have to wait. But, I want to encourage you with this…. I have two very close friends who have waited for an eternity, it seemed, to finally find “the one.” There were many nights they called confused and struggling with the fact that they weren’t married, or even in a relationship for that matter. But, one got married in Dec., and the other fb’d me this week and she is engaged. God is faithful! Keep believing, Girl! He is going to give you a man that will surpass all your expectations. You are worth it!!!! Praying for you tonight that God will wrap His loving arms around you!
You are perfect. Your honesty is much appreciated.
Sweet daughter, hold tight. He is listening. Just keep holding.
I would try to explain His love, but i know you understand, that is almost impossible.
But He does love you greatly. Just as He loves the many young ladies that you have told of His love. Your reward will be great for the sacrifices you have made for his magnificent kingdom. Its still coming..
I know that doesn’t help. But i pray somehow, tonight, He will hold you tight. Gently whispering, that He is your care & comforter, always and forever. Even if at the time, no one else is there.
Much love
Hi AB,
I know what you mean. I work in ministry and everyone thinks I’m so capable and helpful. Last year I had to get my wisdom teeth out and I realised that I had no one to take me to the surgery and take me home. I didn’t have the money and I was in so much pain and when I rang my parents all they said was ‘oh well, that’s life, you get money you spend it’ I don’t rely on my parents for anything but them to flippantly cast off my pain and needs… well that hurts. I knew I could ask someone to take me to surgery but I didn’t want to ask, I just wanted someone to look at me and know that I have needs too and I get scared just say ‘I’ll come I’ll be there for you’. It’s not that I don’t have friends and that I don’t have people that care, but it’s not the same as a family or someone who is ‘meant’ to be there and wants to be there. I’ve been trying so hard to work on my view that God is my Father…but some days I just want someone to fall back on and anchor me and to say ‘it’s ok, I love you no matter what because you belong in my life’…. why am I that person for so many people, yet they don’t see me. Do I shut people out? Am I too scared to let them in on the little things that they don’t realise the big things? and why did I get gypped in the family arena while so many resent their parents care.
I get what you are saying… and… I don’t know the answer.
Thanks I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
And the struggle to cling to anyone or any boy that comes my way to fulfill that… meh… being a girl sucks!
Feel better. God does love you…even if we don’t understand.
my heart goes out to you…. this is my fear in life & even though I am married, i feel the same thing… my husband isn’t the best in “taking care’ of me… I have no children of my own soI see myself in the future alone with no one to take care of me when I need it…I can totally feel your words deep in my soul…. but maybe God does call us to do things on our own & He’ll call someone in our lives when He KNOWS we need someone…. I’m praying for you friend!
AB, Have you ever seen the movie of Jane Austen’s Persuasion? If you are stuck at home while sick it might be a good thing to watch right now (I recommend the 2007 version). It always makes me cry, but the ending is really joyful. After fearing for so many years that she is destined to take care of others and never have anyone to love her or take care of her, and even resigning herself to it, finally Anne is loved for how giving she is of herself. In this story there is also a theme of missed chances, etc., which doesn’t really apply to your situation, but I think what I really loved about it was the fact that even after she has totally given up hope, Anne is loved and appreciated for who she is. I know this will happen for you, too – and I’m so, so sorry for how hard it is while you are waiting.
My heart is breaking over the fact that you are feeling this way… I am praying for you. If you need a family, you can join mine. I just ought to warn you that we are a little cooky.
This breaks my heart in ways you cannot even imagine … because I have been there and I KNOW your pain. I wish so badly that I could hold you and let you know that I WILL be the one to take care of you. You can come home every weekend of the year to MY house. You will ALWAYS be loved here! And all of that is completely true – if I didn’t live so stinkin far away I would be bustin down your door right this minute with all manner of chicken soup and juices and all the time in the world to take care of you. I so very much wish that I could.
I mean, really, does MI have to THAT FAR AWAY from Tenessee? Come ON!!! But I am here always, praying that the ONE who really can be with you ANYWHERE you are will hold you and show Himself so completely to you that you actually feel His breath.
I am so sorry that this waiting period is hard and lonely – I know the lonliness can be suffocating, but that is when you just have to let HIM be your next breath. It is so hard to see it all when you are sick and still. You fill your life with so much and when the changes come and the stillness happens it hits you. You stop and remember that you are “alone” … but you have to remember that , even in that house with the empty nursery and no note on the table with your name on it, you are soooooo NOT alone! He loves you, HE will not leave you, HE will NEVER let you down!
His love is forever.
His love is real.
I am here for you, you can email me, call me, text me, anytime day or night. I love ya AB … so much!
XOXOXOXOXOX
Becky Jo
You know you have my heart, love. Come and spend some time here, we miss you!
AB, I know I am at risk for writing this because “some people” know me. I will say this again to you….I WANT YOU TO BE PART OF MY FAMILY!!!!! I don’t ever just say that to just anyone. Every child should feel a part of a family. Just as I/we have CHOSEN other children to raise as our own, I/we choose you as our daughter. I have constantly asked my daughter how you are, I read your blogs, etc….I do keep up with you but I also don’t want to interfere with “your family”. But, please know this….you are loved by someone…me and my family…..you bring something to our family that I just love…and you always have. Call me. We’ll talk, just mother and daughter.
I appreciate your bravery in being so transparent and honest. Most Christian women I know have felt like you’ve described at some time or another, but few have the guts to admit it.
I convinced myself God had forgotten to appointment someone to love and care for me. And when I least expected it, He sent my Prince Charming. Remember… I was 40 when I got married. Most who knew me had given up hope… including me! But God in His infinite wisdom gave me more than I ever dreamed of when HE knew I was really ready. I believe He will do the same to you. He has placed within you a huge capacity to love and a desire to be loved. He is not cruel and didn’t place those things in your heart without reason.
Inside our wedding rings, we inscribed: Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” He did just that. I delighted myself in Him and Him only, and when I didn’t see it coming, He gave me a man whose heart’s desire matched mine. I couldn’t have orchestrated it more perfectly if I had tried. And trust me, I tried!
In this season of waiting, I am praying for you fervently to know the abiding love of Jesus in a way deeper and more tangible than you ever have before. I’m also praying for your future husband and asking the Lord to work in his heart to help him be the family you deserve.
Love you, AB.
Your authenticity is breathtaking, AB. And I agree with the other commenters — you aren’t any more selfish than the rest of us. You are just honest about what most of us feel at some point in our life. “WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?!?”
I bet your head can answer that question. My prayer for you today is that your heart experiences it as well.
I, too, have struggled with this feeling and my own family for many years. Now that I am married and have my own children, I am making many different choices so they don’t ever experience unwanted or uncared for. I do not know you but I know enough from your blog that if you were my daughter, I would burst with pride and want to see you each and every day. That is the way God feels about you!!
Did you read my journal and put it on your blog? Honestly, I feel you 100% – and couldn’t have said it better myself…
Praying for you, sweet one.
Break my heart, girl. I will pray and ask God the same thing for you.
Amy Beth,
This post captured so beautifully the life of someone — single, in ministry, who is on constant “out pour” to others. Its a very real, very human feeling. Unless someone has or is walking in those shoes, they have no idea how lonely ministry can be sometimes. Its the call on our lives that requires so much. And it just adds to it when you don’t have a family base that surrounds you with a dose of specialness that is so often balm for our souls. (We’re not even talking about a husband…)
I understand completely where you are, Amy Beth. I’ve been there.
The reality is — you feel this way, You have NOT abandoned the calling on your life and you are walking it out. Keep being transparent. Its what points people to our Father.
Oh AB. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
Thank you for being so honest and open. You say things in this post that many of us have thought and struggled with but have been afraid to say out loud. I do believe God designed us for relationship – not only with Him but with the people around us. So no, it is not wrong or selfish to want to belong to someone – to want to matter to someone. If we are honest, that is a desire every single one of us has.
Praying for you – that this need will be met by God in a way that you would never imagine!
If I could sohow you how much you matter to me…I would…but that is impossible…The problems you have helped me through, even if you didn’t know you were helping, are not countable…I do know how you feel about wanting to belong to someone, to them care for you…I love you and if you need anything, let me know!!!
Praying for you, AB. You’ve made my heart hurt and sing at the same time, if such a thing is possible.
Thank you AB for being so open and honest about you feelings. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I knoe there are no words that I can say (or write) that can make your pain any less. I know because I have gone through seasons in my life that made me feel like I was alone on this journey we call life. As I read your post I cried for you. I know the terrible sadness you felt when “baby” left and can only imagine the panic you must have felt with your mind playing tricks on you when you woke up thinking “baby” was there.
In hindsight, it reminds me of the lost sheep. You went out of your way for many “lost sheep”. You have and continue to do so……you have such a caring heart and loving attitude…you are beautiful inside and out. There are times when we (who are normally the ones helping the lost sheep) begin to feel like the one lamb that is lost. Jesus too grew tired and weary of what was to lie ahead. (“Lord take this cup from me…if its your will”) (paraphrased of course…lol). Being patient is so hard but trust me…anything worth having is worth the wait. I wish I would have waited on many things when I was in high school and in my college age days. I wasn’t patient and it haunts me to this day.
There is something that Beth Moore wrote in her book “Get Out of the Pit” that helps me when I can’t get out of a rut. She says.. “God wants everything you’ve got. Uncontested priority. Every egg in one basket. All your weight on one limb. This very moment His fingers are gripped on your chin, saying ‘Right here Child. Look right here. Don’t look left or right. Stare straight into My face. I am your Deliverer. There is none like Me.”
Wow- I get chills visualizing his fingers on my chin making me stare stright at Him.
Beth Moore is right….don’t take your eyes off Him and everything else falls into place. It took me a long time to realize that NO MAN measures up to HIM. Maybe that is why for years I had not one “fish in my bucket!” None of ‘em were worth keepin’.
Take care of YOU, Sweetie! I hope you are feeling much much better soon! Sending prayers and hugs your way!
Love
Julie
I am praying for you, too. What you are feeling is so hard and very normal. I really do remember going through something like this at age 23. I have lots to share, but don’t want to dominate your comments.
It is safe to be honest with Him. You cannot scare God away. Authenticity is necessary for relationship.
Don’t forget you have a group of big sisters who have offered our support here in my town.
all I know to say is, I understand. I really and truly understand.
You must have broken into my apartment, stolen my journal, and copied some of the entries here. Been there more times than I care to count…minus the medicinal-caused hallucinations.
Praying you feel loved and taken care of very soon.
So, I don’t know which made me cry more, your post or the others in response to it.
It hurts. No way around it. And not much short of God’s audible voice or a divine email can make it go away.
You & Him have to work this out.
At least when you “wrestle” with Him, you are close to Him, no matter how much it hurts.
Don’t think that helped or made much sense, but that’s just what happens.
Anyway, love and lots of prayers!
mary
Oh dear girl, I so wish I lived near you this week! I know the feeling of not belonging. Of being in a place where you don’t know anyone. I can’t imagine being there and being so sick.
I know it’s not a very tangible comfort, but I hope you will think back to all the girls that you’ve helped and know that you matter to them. Think of someone in your past life who made a difference to you. Maybe they didn’t even realize it. The same is true for you.
Oh, and just a little reminder? You definitely matter to Jesus!
AB, been praying for you. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. Wow. That was powerful. On a lighter and much different note, have you ever heard of the Dozy Dolphin? It’s a stuffed animal that plays dolphin and other sea noises. It’s supposed to be soothing. When I saw the ad, I thought of you, even though it’s not Shamu. Sending lots of love and big hugs your way!!!!
Long time lurker here – I can so relate to your pain and will definitely be praying for you.
I am a caretaker by nature (and some family history stuff) and before I really knew the Lord, it led me to marry my 1st husband – to try and rescue him. That marriage ended so badly I swore I was NEVER doing that again. I was going to raise my 2 boys and take care of them, and do ministry and be content in my life as a single parent. 12 years later, the Lord brought an amazing man into my life. He was everything I had ever hoped for and then some. He loved the Lord and adored me and cared for me(!) and was my best friend. We were married and so grateful that the Lord had brought us together. And I wish I could end the story there with “happily ever after”. But on Jan 7th 2009, my husband went home to be with the Lord after 3 years and 3 months of marriage.
And so while you are questioning how God could have forgotten to assign someone to take care of you – I am trying to understand how he could answer that prayer – and then take it away. In either case, it would be easy to be bitter and resentful – but that would just separate me from God – and God is who I need more than ever right now. So I thought I would share some of the things I am doing to get through the pain – not sure it will help you, but it is keeping me sane at the moment.
1) Focus on the character of God, not my circumstances. I am CHOOSING to believe that God is good and loving.
2) Letting others care for me. This is a hard one for me – I am so use to taking care of everyone else and being in charge and “having it all together”. News flash – I do not have it all together right now.
3) Taking care of myself. I struggle with this also – I always put others first – thought that is what the Lord wanted (be a servant, etc., etc.) But sometimes, I think the Lord wants us to be of service to ourselves – i.e. self-care. I think there is a difference between selfishness and self-care. And right now I need to be gentle with myself and focus on self-care.
4) Staying in the word. Right now I am doing Beth Moore’s scripture memorization – focusing on fear and trust, my big issues at the moment. Also doing the Esther study – which has really been ministering to me as well.
So sorry for the long comment – just felt led to post. Just know I will be praying for you. I’ll go back to being a quiet lurker now.
[...] real brave, posted something that took a lot of [...]
I thought I had commented on this one, but I don’t guess I did
. See, I’m a poor commenter!
I hope you’re feeling better from you nasty little bug. Did you enjoy the snow?
As far as the other (and most important stuff) goes, I don’t really know what to say except I don’t think He’s forgotten for one second to “assign” someone to love and care for you, nor do I think you really think that either.
sometimes what we know is different from what we are feeling…
preach it sister.
I have longed to ask God the same question…I suppose I have never been brave enough to ask Him….Thank you for your authenticity and honesty AB…that is why I come to your blog. You make me think and you make me question my heart at times. It is a good thing you do AB.
Prayers ascending for you.
I didn’t find my guy until I was 30, even though we’d been in the same room at a book reading, not ten feet away fro each other, several years before – and went to graduate schools literally across the street from each other. And oh, how I regret some of the choices I made before I met him, to spend time with people who I knew were not good for me, did not lead me to be a better person, did not take care of me properly. I don’t know why he couldn’t have found me sooner, sometimes I chastise him, because I was a long time waiting. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen on the timetable we prefer. The challenge is to keep making good choices in the interim, rather than grasp at straws so that *something* fills that need.
[...] explains a little more of why you’ve seen me dealing with my feelings about being single and on my own over the last few months. It’s a classic reminder to read between the lines because we really [...]