Well, I’m happy to report that Cousin Marisa’s birthday party last night went even better than expected. It was a low-key affair with just the family and when I say family, I mean Marisa’s family seeing as the only person I’m actually related to is her due to this twisted little web called divorce. Luckily for me, however, her family pretends like I’m actually, you know, sharing their bloodline or something and includes me in all things Marisa.

Fake family can be an awesome thing, and you can take that to the bank.

We started off with cake, of course. Lest you think I gave into the temptation of the chocolate-y goodness that was sitting before me, let me assure you that I held firm and indulged only in my newest favorite treat that shockingly tastes just like chocolate cake:

Of course, Baby Carter enjoyed his slice of cake with enough gusto for the both of us, so I think it’s safe to say the cake’s feelings weren’t hurt by my shunning of it.

The birthday girl was turning 22, but don’t let the napkins trick you into thinking it was actually her sixth birthday party or something ri-darn-diculous like that.

One of Marisa’s other cousin’s, Rainey, came in all the way from Texas. She’s 17 and on spring break for the whole week. Let’s review: she’s adorable, has a cool name, is 17 and is on spring break. I’m trying to keep my jealousy under control.

If that wasn’t enough, enter Rob and Melissa, also known as Cutest Couple EVER (Baby Carter above is Melissa’s son if you can’t tell from his adorable little face). Rob and Melissa are basically gorgeous and head over heels in love and a bunch of other things that make the rest of us want to BE them. Or, you know, be jealous of them. Same thing.

Now that you’ve seen what Rainey and Melissa look like, you’ll appreciate the following story even more: over cake and ice cream, Rainey started talking about seeing a bit of cellulite on her legs the other day (I can’t imagine that cellulite is actually on Rainey, but whatever). She said she flipped out, wrapped her legs in Saran Wrap and went for a run. Melissa was all “Oh, I know just what you mean!” while Cousin Marisa and I just stared at each other in disbelief. Finally Marisa said “Well, I have so much cellulite that it looks like somebody took a bag of nickels and just started hitting me with ‘em!” I happened to catch a glimpse of my legs in the mirror as I was heading to bed later that night and realized that that punk with the bag of nickels must have visited my house after Marisa’s way back when. What a jerkasaurus, right?

Marisa is getting ready to move into her very first apartment, so her gifts were kind of centered around the theme of “She has nothing for her apartment other than a bed and dresser.” Marisa is one of my favorite people to shop for because she loves, JUST LOVES anything and everything you could pick out for her and isn’t afraid to EXCLAIM HOW MUCH SHE LOVES IT. I took the easy road this year and picked up the gift that never disappoints:

As Marisa opened each of her gifts, she couldn’t help but yell something about how perfect it was going to be in her apartment, LIKE THIS CANDLE! THAT IS GOING IN MY BATHROOM! YOU KNOW, THE BATHROOM IN MY NEW APARTMENT!

Her grandmother, however, took things to a whole new level when she presented Marisa with the following gift:

That’s right: she gave Marisa some version of the Ped Egg that you use to — how shall I put this? — smooth away rough surfaces on your feet.

Lest you think Marisa was disappointed, let me assure you that she definitely found a way to tie it into her new apartment when she exclaimed “Look guys! Now my feet will be silky smooth in case someone decides to come to my new apartment to rub them!”

I hate to burst her little dream bubble, but all I know is I’ve been through five different apartments in the last four years and there ain’t been NOBODY coming over to rub my feet in any of ‘em.

Then again, I’ve never taken a cheese grater to my feet so maybe I should give it a try.

Of course, I might first want to work on learning how to back down Marisa’s family’s driveway without running over their bushes so I won’t have to ask Uncle David to back my car down for me.

Cause, you know, that would just be embarrassing for any 24 year old to admit.