No word forgotten.
I’ve spent this evening packing for a short trip I’m leaving on tomorrow morning. Christan, one of my very first college roommates, welcomed a baby boy into her family a few months ago and, with Starlite being on spring break this week, I’m going to take a couple of days off to go meet that little bundle of blue.
I love to travel and especially love packing, so I couldn’t understand why I kept feeling an odd sense of sadness as I started to pick out which clothes to take. I can’t really explain it other than to say my heart felt like it got heavier as I placed each item in my bag. Even though I tried to ignore it, the feeling lasted throughout the evening and followed me into bed tonight.
As I laid there listening to my bedtime iTunes playlist, it suddenly hit me: this was the first time I was packing to head out of town on my own since my last relationship ended. Before I could even tell it was happening, memories started flashing through my mind.
The brown shirt I had picked out to wear for that one Friday night, tossed into my bag simply because I knew he would like it.
My favorite silver necklace, carefully packed with the other earrings, rings and bracelets.
The DVDs slipped into the bag at the last minute, knowing he would probably want to stay in on Saturday night so we could just be “us.”
You, of course, remember none of this because I simply didn’t blog the relationship. You missed that entire part of my life, those nights of marathon phone calls that somehow made up for the 212 miles that separated us Monday through Friday. You missed hearing about the texts and the letters and all the little things that make a relationship so special. But most of all, you missed the freedom and excitement and nervousness I felt each Friday afternoon as I packed my bag to spend a weekend in his hometown.
It just worked best that way, my going to him although he did come to me, occasionally. I would leave the office at 5 p.m., rush home to pack a bag and try to be on the road by at least 6 p.m. I drove alongside the river then around and finally over the mountain before showing up on his doorstep. He always knew right when I’d arrive because we’d already be on the phone with each other as I pulled into his driveway, not wanting to miss even one moment. We’d spend almost the entire weekend together, him bringing me to my friend Cara’s house far too late each night. I’d slip through her front door as quietly as possible, begging God to keep her parents from waking up. I’d tiptoe down the staircase to Cara’s bedroom, open the door and jump right into her bed where we’d lay talking about both of our relationships until we fell asleep mid-sentence.
It’s been a few months since it ended and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that it was supposed to end, should have ended, needed to end. And when you’re certain that something wasn’t meant to continue, it makes it a bit easier to digest the ending of it. Quite honestly, I’ve been over it for awhile now so I couldn’t understand why I found tears streaming down my face just a few minutes ago. But as the tears slowed to a trickle, my heart found the answer I was looking for.
When I was packing my bag earlier tonight, it was to go be a part of someone else’s story. Into my bag went a little dress-up outfit for Christan’s two-year-old and a couple of new outfits for her darling baby boy. I was preparing to celebrate the newest chapter in the story of one of my best friend’s life, a privilege that has had me excited for days.
But the last time I packed my bag, the time I was heading to be with him? Well, I was going to be a part of my story. Everything that went into my bag from the cute high heels to my favorite perfume was something representing the newest chapter in my story.
In my circle of close friends, I’m one of the last left single. There’s Christan, married to her high school sweetheart who tucks their daughter into bed while she rocks their new baby boy. You’ve met Ashley who lives with her sweet husband, darling Gracie and baby on the way in a house that’s so filled with love I always want to stay an extra day. And then there’s Brandy who served cupcakes at her wedding and decorated her first daughter’s nursery in the most precious theme you can imagine. My adorable Katie has the unmistakable flush of a bride-to-be; we’re going together to take a tour of the wedding site this coming week. Even Cara, the one we had all pegged to be last to settle down, has tasted the sweet promise that love brings with it; you can see it in her eyes.
The idea of my being jealous of any of them is absolutely incomprehensible to me. I love those girls so much that, if given the choice, I would pick the desires of their hearts being met before my own without missing a beat. Watching each chapter of their lives unfold — an engagement ring that sparkles in the sun, a white dress that God must have designed Himself, a nursery filled with soft lights and even softer blankets — has been one of the most fascinating parts of my life over these last few years. We’re spread out over several states now, but I’ve taken my role as the single one seriously and tried to be the one going to them as often as possible since I don’t have car seats and strollers to load into the car. It’s just easier that way and there’s not a one of them that doesn’t have a couch I haven’t slept on.
It’s just that a little part of me misses how it felt to pack a bag knowing it was to go watch a chapter of my own life be written. All those Friday afternoons spent throwing curling irons and eyeshadow compacts into my bag gave me a little taste of what it feels like for it to be your turn at love, even if that love only lasted a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.
What made tonight so different was that the old Amy Beth would have berated herself for crying over the fact that she would one day again like to pack a bag that leads into a new chapter in her life. She would have been angry at herself for wanting those things and frustrated with herself for her inability to just be happy with having a couple of puppies who sleep at the foot of her bed each night. But the new me, the one who is choosing to love herself as God does?
Well that girl is about to turn off her laptop, lay back down and remember that the book does not tell the Author what chapter to write next but instead trusts that no word will be forgotten.
And I believe with all my heart that absolutely no word will be forgotten in your story, either.
Posted: March 12th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 25
Comments
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Time: March 12, 2009, 2:50 am
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI’ve spent this evening packing for a short trip I’m leaving on tomorrow morning. Christan, one of my very first college roommates, welcomed a baby boy into her family a few months ago and, with Starlite being on spring break this week, I’m going to take a couple of days off to go meet that little bundle of blue. I love to travel and especially love packing, so I couldn’t understand why I kept feeling an odd sense of sadness as I started to pick out which clothes to take. I can’t really expl [...]
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Time: March 12, 2009, 3:05 am
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Comment from Michelle
Time: March 12, 2009, 7:46 am
Good grief, AB. You sure know how to make the tears come. I love this post, I love your heart, and I love YOU. I think one of the greatest lessons we can learn in life is how to let go of a person, but hold onto the memories and lessons we were given with them. It’s funny that you mention this now, because just last night I stayed up way too late chatting with a married friend of mine (they really are all married these days, aren’t they?) about my first love. I’ve only really had two earth shaking relationships in my life, both of them being in the context of serious deep friendships where feelings were felt on both sides but never spoken of.
I’ve always been a journaler, in the private aspect that is. I love looking back on events in my life and seeing how I’ve grown from them. But I realized in looking at these two different relationships in my life that I reacted so differently. In the first one- the one that spanned a time period of three years- I could NEVER bring myself to write about my feelings for him. I was an avid journaler during the entire time that I loved him, but couldn’t even breathe his name in my journal because of how deeply I felt that we were never supposed to be together and I was so afraid to have a written record of all of those feelings.
With the second man, I journaled every single aspect of it because I felt so strongly that I wasn’t supposed to miss out on the lessons that God was teaching me through him. It also wasn’t meant to be, and while I didn’t know that then, I realize it clearly now. But I’m GLAD I held onto those memories and moments with him while releasing the feelings for him.
Recently, I’ve felt that I needed to sit down with my pen in hand and write out every ounce of what happened within the context of my friendship with this first man. It has LONG been over, yet I continue to hold onto him. And I’ve found that in writing about the time that I spent with him, I’m bringing so much healing back to my own heart. Maybe someday I’ll be blessed enough to be the mother of girls, and when they become young women, I don’t want them to feel like they have to push those feelings away because they’re ashamed to have loved someone they knew they were never supposed to be with. Those relationships just COME sometimes, and we really do become wiser by the lessons we learn from them. I’ve finally realized that I’m not only writing my story for myself now, but for others who fear sharing their stories of love lost too. I think it’s so beautiful to learn from the tears we’ve cried, allow God to heal our hearts, and move on with the promise that the best is yet to come.
And it will come AB. 
Thank you for being a beautiful, brave, incredibly lovable daughter of God. I’m blessed to know you.
~M
Comment from Becky Jo
Time: March 12, 2009, 7:56 am
I wish I could hug you right now. I have been there – the last, lone single girl. But let me tell you, when my time came, there was MUCH celebrating to be done. As there will be with and for YOU!
I love ya girlie!
XOXOXXOOX
Becky Jo
Comment from Aimee
Time: March 12, 2009, 8:29 am
Amy Beth, I love reading your blogs, but in particular, I love blogs like this because I can totally relate. It’s so wonderful to hear words of encouragement from such a Godly woman like you, because it lets me know that God’s love is overflowing for all the women who have felt this way or feel this way right now. Thank you for this
Comment from Kristy Ford
Time: March 12, 2009, 10:03 am
I just wanted to remind you that you don’t have to wait for the next chapter to begine you are in a chapter of your life right now… it may not be the best chapter in the entire book, or the most romantic, or happiest, but it is a chapter and you are learning and growing so much through it. I am praying for you that you will find joy every day… every day.
Comment from bessie.viola
Time: March 12, 2009, 10:11 am
Oh, Amy Beth, this made me tear up a bit. You are so incredibly inspiring each time you write. I hope that you can see that about yourself.
I love the last line about the Author… that’s something I’ve been needing to hear as well. I have gone through the stages of engagement, wedding, early marriage, pregnancy and early babyhood, and now I often find myself wondering what’s next… eager to turn the page, if you will.
It’s not only the single who wish that the Author would write more quickly/differently. You are so not alone in that feeling.
Be well and enjoy your weekend.
Comment from Tamara @ Pondered in My Heart
Time: March 12, 2009, 10:25 am
Amy Beth…this brought tears to my eyes, and then a sigh of contentment. It’s raining here in San Antonio, just what we’ve been needing. A reminder that God has not forgotten us. And thank you for the reminder that God has not forgotten a word in my life story. I have commented here before that I have been where you are…and in a way, I’m still in a season of wondering what the Author is planning. But it’s helpful to remember that I don’t need to tell Him what to write.
Beautifully written, and a beautiful reminder.
Comment from Mocha with Linda
Time: March 12, 2009, 10:32 am
Sweet Amy Beth,
I love reading your posts. They make me ache and they make me smile. And they take me back twenty-five years when I was in your shoes and marrying off all my friends and desperately longing for my turn, but learning to wait on God. (I was 27 when I got married.) Hugs to you, my friend.
Comment from Lindsey
Time: March 12, 2009, 10:45 am
As I read your words, I had to to remove the keyboard from my lap and place it on my desk. The tears were flowing so freely that I was afraid I was going to mess something up!
I hope your friends know how blessed they are to have you in their life. You are so self-less!
In the past few months so many great things have been happening in the lives of my friends. I love being there friend and enjoy celebrating in their happiness, but sometimes I find Satan using their happiness to remind me of the lack of it in my life.
I’m usually content with my singleness, so this has been a difficult road. I’ve been journaling a lot about my feelings and feel that I’m finally turning a corner. Praying that God will continue to give you a peace that passes all understanding. That He will surround you with people that love you unconditionally that He will continue to prepare YOU for the ONE that HE has set apart for you and only YOU.
Comment from Julie
Time: March 12, 2009, 11:45 am
Absolutely beautiful…..once again I am speechless. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us.
julie
Comment from taryn in ny
Time: March 12, 2009, 3:52 pm
ok. you need to write a book.
end of story.
you can make me laugh and cry all in the same day. i think you are awesome!
XOXOXOX
Comment from Jennifer
Time: March 12, 2009, 4:27 pm
I found your blog through a friend, and I absolutely love reading your hilarious stories! This statement really touched my heart today…
“…the book does not tell the Author what chapter to write next but instead trusts that no word will be forgotten.”
I have felt this exact same way, without having the wisdom and eloquence to express it in these words, not so long ago. I, too, packed a bag every few weekends to drive over two hundred miles to see someone who ended up not being who I had hoped he would end up being. And while I would have hated hearing it at the time, I wish I could go back and tell myself that God was writing a much better story than I could have imagined. Would have saved myself a lot of tears… but I probably wouldn’t have believed how perfectly God was going to bring it all to fruition.
And I so agree with the poster who said that this feeling of waiting to see what chapter is next — that it’s something we all feel. I’m drowning in diapers and food fights over here, wondering what in the world comes after this season. And WHEN exactly it’s going to start! I hope it’s soon and that it involves some potty-trained toddlers with impeccable table manners.
God bless you for your openness and sincerity! I know He’s using your words to encourage and challenge so many people. Even worn out, tired mommies like me who just love reading about your adventures. And Imaginary Boyfriend.
Comment from Ali
Time: March 12, 2009, 5:12 pm
What a great reminder for us all…that He hasn’t forgotten a single word of our story…whatever our story may be.
I still sometimes struggle with the fact that I am one of the last in my close circle of friends to get married. But then I remember that I can take a last minute weekend trip, or stay out as late as I want, or not have to worry about making my family dinner…and I realize that while I long for that “new” chapter of my life…this chapter has it’s perks as well.
Comment from Kelley
Time: March 12, 2009, 5:37 pm
WOW! I loved this post.
Not just loved it. I TRIPLE loved it. : )
Comment from Cait
Time: March 12, 2009, 6:20 pm
I wish I could buy it, that God hasn’t forgotten me. I’ve had a tough week and your words are an encouragement to me.
God bless.
Comment from Jenna
Time: March 12, 2009, 6:35 pm
Um, ok. That was pretty much incredible.
Comment from taylor
Time: March 12, 2009, 6:45 pm
honey, your last two sentences were exactly what i needed to read. thank you, thank you.
Comment from Amber
Time: March 12, 2009, 8:23 pm
well said, my friend… well said. your time is coming and i bet God is just smiling over your shoulder as you write these blog posts. can i just tell you that i know He is proud of you? i’m just sure of it.
Comment from Angela
Time: March 12, 2009, 8:24 pm
Beautiful.
Comment from Heather from girl meets world
Time: March 12, 2009, 9:43 pm
Amy Beth, a link to your blog is being sent to all of my fellow single friends. I, too, have sat and cheered with my friends as they enter their new phase of life while at the same time wishing and hoping for my new phase, as well.
Thank you for both your transparency and your gift of hope. I love the life God gave me, but it’s still a helpful reminder in this state of in-between!
Comment from trs
Time: March 12, 2009, 10:50 pm
That was beautiful… and I can totally relate.
You know… I spent a lot of time last year praying for a baby. That I would get to be a mother. I was so sure I had found the guy – can we just get on with it before my eggs all shrivel up?
Then… all at once my friend are either having babies or turning up pregnant. One asked me to be godmother. (that’s my third goddaughter by the way) and my nephew’s girlfriend is pregnant!!
Then suddenly, I realized “Well, you’re praying for a baby – here’s 20 of ‘em!”
See.. AB – you are praying for a man in your life — and all the people close to you are having baby boys!
A reminder to be VERY SPECIFIC about your prayers. Don’t be praying for a cute sweet boy in your life. Be sure to use words like Man and Husband!
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: March 15, 2009, 3:38 pm
This made my heart squeeze, AB. You are powerful and gifted communicator.
I owe you an e-mail; I’ve been thinking and praying in the meantime. Hopefully, I’ll write tonight.
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Time: September 24, 2009, 10:53 am
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Comment from Chere
Time: March 12, 2009, 1:33 am
I’m in a similar place (one of the few single ladies in my circle of friends). I used to get mad at myself when I felt like something was missing in my life, looking at theirs…but I’ve gotten to the point where I can rejoice in their happiness and rest in God’s promises that he cares for single ol’ me as well!
It doesn’t mean I stop wanting certain things for my life, but I’m (slowly) learning to just take things as they come, even if not on my timetable.
Very well said!