This should be a fun discussion, especially if someone mentions their incredible ninja skills.
So, for the last few weeks, the same topic has been coming up in conversations with various single friends of mine. And each time we’re talking about it, I say “Hey, I’m going to ask the bloggy people about this!”
But then I get too busy confessing my bad church-going habits or something equally ridiculous and forget to ask you the burning question.
UNTIL NOW, that is, because I finally remembered to make myself a note reminding me to ask you.
Ahem.
So, here’s the question that I’m REALLY hoping you’ll answer for we single girls:
What does it mean to guard your heart in the context of relationships?
We’re looking for practical answers in addition to the spiritual ones, just so you know. Like, tell us HOW you did it or even how you WISH you had done it back in your dating days. It’s your chance to help either get us on the right track or keep us on it, you smart girls.
We singlelites shall now await your wisdom to pour forth.
Yours truly,
Princess Amy Beth of the Singlelites Kingdom of Singleness
P.S. – I’m planning to abdicate my throne fairly soon, so let me know if you’re interested in fulfilling the governing duties required of the Princess of the Singlelites Kingdom of Singleness and I’ll send you the information booklet, application and fingerprinting kit.
Practical? I am not a very practical person…but when it comes to marriage I am pretty serious. I would recommend reading A Lady in Waiting for all woman who long for a husband. The reason my heart and mind are so fierce on this subject is because I – in my obsession of marriage and in my negligence gave so much of myself away before it was time. Physically and emotionally. I know I am “forgiven” and I know I can’t live in regret…but all of that energy was wasted because God had so much more for me and my future Groom.
When you ask for practical answers… for me, it means that when a man and woman become one – that doesn’t just mean sex. It also means those tender and sweet wonderful moments that you discover and find out what makes each one of you – “you”. So when you disclose every single detail before your vows – it kind of steals something special. I think that scripture is speaking about who God made you to be, your heart…so when you give that…you are sharing the essence of who God designed you to be, and I am not quite sure that is meant to be shared with just anybody. Daniel, my husband knows me inside and out and I am pretty certain I should have waited on so many things….mostly those late night talks disclosing every single thing about myself. I wasn’t my beloved (yet) and he wasn’t mine and those details weren’t his burden or joy yet to carry and by being so open, I forced him into “the know”. Now, it is a fabulous exciting journey to discover and learn all the details and corners that make and build each other up (and down)…but we were way too premature in that journey.
Great question… I actually wrote about this on my blog a while back here.
As far as practically, for me it’s all about the do not be anxious part. I have a tendency to want to daydream, and I’ve discovered that’s a big no, no for me. It does not guard my heart… It’s a good kind of anxious, and it can be fun, but it puts the relationship in a place that isn’t realistic, and creates unmet expectations.
Being in a relationship right now, I’m finding this a challenge. It’s fun to think about the what if’s, but it’s also, honestly detrimental to me. I’m way more emotional, and always in the “what’s next” “is this going anywhere?” mode, and that is not good for me or the relationship. It’s put undue pressure on the relationship, and on him. God is the only one I can ask questions about my future to. I have to stop looking for tangible evidence in the relationship, or everyone is going to be unhappy.
I think that this concept should also be applied to how you interact with the guy, but that’s a little more cut and dried, and I’m finding that the more I am aware and in control of my thoughts about the situation, the less I have to worry about how I’m interacting with him. If I’m not daydreaming about “one day”, then I’m less likely to put myself in a position to interact with him like “one day” is already here.
Does any of that make sense?
[...] is a good post, and hopefully some good discussion on the subject going on over at AmyBeth’s blog today. Go check it out and add your two cents, cause I want to read it. [...]
Ok, just to clarify, I have been married for almost 6 years and have a 2 year old daughter, so this is from hindsight (always easier than in the moment!). However, here is what comes to mind when I picture the phrase “guard your heart”. I truly envision myself standing in front of myself with a sword (or your weapon of choice), daring my man to approach me and prove himself worthy. Here’s why: Marriage is HARD! I’m not saying it’s not great. I’m not saying I don’t love my husband dearly, but the day in/day out WORK of figuring out how to combine two lives, two sets of tastes, two housekeeping styles, two financial tendencies…girls, I’m here to tell you that it is no walk in the park. Some days it is bang-your-head-against-the-wall frustrating. So, I figure that any guy worthy of this lifelong task must prove his mettle during dating. This means having the strength to not pressure his woman in any way that is inappropriate. It means respecting her choices and opinions. Whatever it is you want to happen during your life, make sure he shows signs of being able to be that for you. And ladies, it’s your job to test him out! Who else is going to tell you if he will be capable of sticking with you for the long haul if he can’t last through the dating game?
So that’s what I think guarding your heart means. It means holding off the forces of male-hood until someone proves their ability to truly love and cherish you for a lifetime. Too often we take the responsibility of convincing “the boy” that WE are exactly what HE wants. Guarding your heart is the other way around.
(Disclaimer: That said, please be gracious and allow young men to act like young men and try to see in them their lasting qualities, rather than demanding that they be as mature as the older men you respect in your church. What do you think THEY acted like in their 20′s? Guys are guys and will sometimes need to act like 10 year old boys. Don’t squelch that and you can both be happy.)
Wow, there is so much wisdom in the answers you’ve gotten already, I don’t know what I could add.
For me, guarding my heart in the dating scene was staying true to myself and not trying to change myself into something I thought someone else wanted. Also, letting them stay true to themselves and not trying to change them into something I thought they should be. I didn’t date just to “have fun”. If this wasn’t someone that I thought I could see myself with, longterm, I didn’t continue the relationship.
I think really enjoying being with the person is important. If there are a lot of little things that bug you about them but you think that over time you will get used to it or it will change after you are married you are sorely mistaken. Those little things will become big things when you are with someone day in and day out.
I will celebrate my 18th anniversary this year and the think the biggest thing I have appreciated about my husband is that he accepts me for me. He doesn’t put unrealistic expectations on me. I have learned from him to try and do the same and I think he really appreciates that. I try not to put pressure on him to “fulfill” me or help me feel good about myself. That needs to come from God and me. My husband is my partner, not my own personal Richard Simmons for the emotions. Does that make sense? I hope so.
First, Amy Beth, I may be your oldest regular reader, but I want you to know I LOVE YOU and I would adopt you and Cousin Cate on the spot, should the need arise. I’ve recommended your blog to several of my college-age and early 20s friends!
I’ve been married 25 years and I am more crazy about my husband now than ever (Groan, i know, but it’s true). I have two kids, a daughter, almost 21, and a son, 18. I’ve worked in student ministry (sunday school teacher, volunteer, etc) for over 20 years and I love, love, LOVE working with girls. I even have a supernatural, anointed love for junior high girls (one of those God things).
In recent years, I’ve seen some disturbing trends in the area of ‘guarding hearts.’ We’ve hammered so hard on sexual purity, but I think we’ve overlooked a call to emotional purity. I’ve seen young girls — resolute in their vows of abstinence until marriage — quickly, quickly give up their hearts in easy “I love yous” and intimate sharing. Heartbreak ensues. Guard that thing, girls!
I’ve also seen a trend (among college and older singles) to find spiritual “fixer-upper” boyfriends. They set about to remodel them into the man they are sure God wants them to be. Some guys comply, for a while, to please the sweet young girl, but that’s hard to keep up! Too much pressure, and from the wrong source! I’m not saying you can’t grow spiritually together – because you can. But you can’t make him into a spiritual leader. It won’t happen.
Lastly, back to sexual purity. Wow, there’s a lot of line-blurring going on there. It has broken my heart to see so many “good girls” – really, Godly young women – get too intimate physically (short of intercourse, but clearly wrong – wrong enough for deep regret). It’s all I can do as a teacher to keep from losing hope — if THESE girls don’t get it, if they don’t believe in their own value and worthiness? How can we communicate that better? Y’all help me with that one.
I don’t know – looking back over this, I’m not sure if I’ve offered concrete tips or not. I do know God is faithful – there is forgiveness and redemption and restoration. But how much sweeter if you can effectively guard your heart and avoid regret, right?
Oh… I wish that I had something useful *from experience* to contribute to this discussion. I did not guard my heart or my purity before I was married. (I hope that’s okay to say here – I’m certainly not encouraging it). Thank GOD (because it could only be through Him) that the only person I’ve ever been intimate with (emotionally or physically) is my husband. We met each other in high school, and our feelings were intense from the beginning. Neither of us were very strong in the face of it; I had no preparation for those feelings. My church had never addressed it, and so I was very quickly pulled under. At the time, I thought we were old enough to handle it all; looking back (and considering the same situation for my daughter) I am horrified at how alone I felt, dealing with my feelings.
To guard your heart – in retrospect, and what I hope to tell my daughter – is to know that the right person will absolutely reveal himself. You will absolutely know when you have found the person you can be with (and were meant to be with). When that happens, you have a lifetime: years upon years to reveal all the layers of who you are.
I agree with the previous commenter about careless words – those long, intimate, soul-baring talks are necessary; however, having them too soon ensures that you’re bound to another in a way you can’t ever take back. I agree that girls need to watch for that.
I am really enjoying reading these comments… filing it all away to share with my daughter as she grows.
I’m sorry I don’t have time for a more thorough or thoughtful comment… work is calling. But I will throw this tidbit out there and it might just surprise you.
A friend of mine who is a Christian counselor told me recently that since praying together can be such a uniquely intimate experience between a man and woman, he suggests to all his premarital counseling clients that they NOT pray alone together before their wedding day. Definitely pray… but not necessarily alone together. It takes your relationship to a level of intimacy that you may not be ready for yet.
Now if only I had been doing any praying at all while I was dating… THAT would have been a good idea.
~Donna
Oh gosh, what a question! Brace yourself, you’re about to get a long comment (though I will try to make it as short as possible).
I have always been a boy-crazy guy-chaser for as long as I could remember. Therapists would/will tell me it’s because of low self-esteem, etc. So all throughout high school & college I chased and chased, to the point that a cute Christian boy asked me to marry him towards the end of my sophomore year. Then a month later he dumped me in the worst dumping I’ve ever gotten and this man who told me he’d love me until death told me he’d basically fallen out of love with me and I wasn’t spiritual enough for him. To say I was crushed is an understatement. I’d given him my heart completely, thinking I was safe, and he threw it back in my face. It was so bad I actually moved out of town for the summer because I couldn’t stand to see his face. That summer I officially met God (I’d been a professing Christian for years but truly fell in love with the Lord that summer). He showed me how I’d been trying to find the love and acceptance in boys when He was there waiting and willingly giving everything I needed. I went back to college that fall with a new challenge: I wasn’t going to date anyone and I wasn’t allowed to kiss another boy until it was the man I was gong to marry. I immersed myself in studying the Word and my friendships, even those who were in serious relationships (and later got married) and studying. Then when the man I WAS supposed to marry came to call, I was completely caught off guard and surprised. The old insecurities came back up (lots of “I’m not good enough for him” thoughts) but I held my ground and I let HIM pursue ME instead of vice versa. Six months later (we had both graduated college and already knew each other pretty well from being friends) we were married and these past 7 years have been the best of my life.
So how do you guard your heart? My advice is this:
#1. Fall in love with Jesus, and do this by falling in love with His Word. Study it. Absorb it. If you feel that longing and the need for love and affection, sit down and read the second half of the book of Isaiah (starting in about chapter 38) and put yourself in the place of Israel and just let God’s love words wash over you. When you are satiated with His Word its power will take over you. Pledge to God you want to dwell on Him and His Word and ask for His help to remind you of that during the day, especially when you are confronted with temptation to fantasize about Mr. Right.
#2. Seek the Lord for a commitment He wants you to make. A lot of people sign the True Love Waits pledge and think that is enough, but it goes so much deeper than just sex. Getting too close emotionally can leave just as raw of wounds as getting too close physically. Prayerfully consider what GOD would have you to do with your heart. Paul cautions us in Corinthians that when a woman becomes married her desire turns to her husband. God knows the numbers of your single days and He wants ALL of you before He turns you into the care of one of His sons. Your commitment might not be as strict as mine (don’t date & certainly don’t kiss) but you and He know where your weaknesses are.
#3. Much like a physical commitment to purity, an emotional commitment to purity requires boundaries. Be careful of how much of your heart you “give” out to guys. Guys, even good Christian guys, know how to turn on the charm to get a girl to like them and open up to them. Instead of working hard to become the perfect wife, work to become the perfect daughter of the King. A true man of God will fall in love with a girl who is sold-out to Jesus, and not (like my old self) trying to make every guy like her.
#4, and most important. Pray about your future husband, and pray for your protection until he comes around. Pray that God would station His angels (sounds a little silly, but I’m serious) around your heart until the appointed time. We can do a lot on our end, but in the end we need His guidance and His protection.
Be yourself and seek Him for who He wants you to be. Then when you become that woman and He brings you His man, it will be knock-your-socks-off amazing. The hard truth is that feelings go away after a while; all the electric currents and butterflies in the stomach eventually fade out (especially after kiddos are born, LOL!) and you need a FIRM foundation other than just an emotional high. Make it your goal to be more like Jesus, and you will bless WHOEVER the Lord brings into your life.
@ Rhonda – “not my own personal Richard Simmons” – that made me laugh, but is SO true. I think that what you said defines the difference between young girls dating (I’m talking high school age) and older women who are dating/married – the former considers a boyfriend as part of the definition of who she “is” and possibly a means to status/importance, whereas older girls/women are looking (rightly so) for a partner to complement who they are and who they’re becoming.
wow, what a great conversation! i think a big part of guarding your heart has to be KNOWING your heart. you have to know what you need and be ready to ask for it. too often, i think we (as girls) want the romance of a man (flirt-mate, boyfriend, even husband) who anticipates our every desire and acts accordingly. ladies, this is so unfair! if we need something– a hug, an encouraging word, some time together, to stay in instead of go out tonight, alone time, a joke, whatever– we need to learn to ask for it. is it more romantic for your guy to figure that out on his own? of course. is it more fulfilling to actually receive what you need instead of stewing and waiting for him to read your mind and getting mad when he doesn’t? definitely.
i think especially before you’re married, this is an important way to guard your heart. when you are honest about your needs, what you are really saying is: “here is a part of my heart that i’m giving to you. will you take care of it?” obviously, he’s not going to perfectly satisfy that need 100% of the time. but if you can articulate your needs and he proves trustworthy to handle them with care, i think it shows that he may be worthy of your whole heart later on. and it sets you up for more honesty and being able to share deeper longings of your heart once you’re married.
it’s hard to tell someone what you need, because they might not give it to you. and that’s a pretty big red flag, and it’s hard to take– but when you CAN trust someone to be faithful with YOUR small things, your trust and love for them grows more and more each day.
Great question! Great answers in these comments too! WOW! I have a few things to add…
Do not change who you are to please a boy. Do not give up everything else in your life to be with him. A man who truly loves you will love ALL of you. He will not try to control you or your time. So don’t clear everything off your calendar waiting for him to call and take you out. Keep going out with friends and doing all the other stuff that you already do. If he wants to spend time with you, he will work around your schedule.
Let him be the pursuer! Don’t try to take over his role in the relationship. That is not a pattern you will want to continue when you are married, so why do it while you are dating?
A word about the physical side of the relationship. Too often we ask “how far is too far”. That is NOT purity. God intended sex to be a beautiful thing shared between MARRIED people. We so easily give away too much of ourselves and think it is no big deal. It is a big deal!
The marriage relationship is supposed to mirror Christ’s relationship with the church. He knew the correct timing for His work and He did not try to rush things. We should not either. Jesus also guarded Himself in relationships. He did not reveal everything to everyone. He had his 12 disciples and within that group he had a few that he was especially close with. Maybe we should follow His example in our relationships too – ya think?
Was that ninja thing directed toward anyone in particular?
So here is kinda how it looked in my life…fell for a guy….got heart broken…you know same old story. Except this time God and I made a deal. For me I would give my heart to any guy who would take it….I would just let myself become emotionally invested day 1. So God and I decided that he would hold onto my heart and give it to the right guy.
THIS DID NOT MEAN THAT I DIDN’T DATE. I just dated differently now. I didn’t reveal everything in the beginning or dream about our wedding day. I just focused on getting to know the guy and trusting God to show me how much I should open myself up. I hope that I didn’t come across as scorned and guarded–I don’t think I did. I know this doesn’t sound “practical” but for me there was great freedom in knowing that I didn’t have to figure out if a certain guy was the “one”. Rather I knew it was up to God “to figure that out”. And one day He told me it was time to open my heart and I did.
I think it’s about guarding your mind, your heart, your emotions, and your will. They all work together. What you put into your mind will make its way to your heart. I believe you need to be thinking truth before you get involved with a guy. If you go into it believing that he might meet all your needs, then you will set him up to be all that for you. That will get you into trouble. But if you go in believing God is your only need-meeter and you desire Him above all, your heart will be guarded. I think it’s also about being prayerful through the whole thing, just as we need to be with every other weakness in our lives.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl are GREAT books by Joshua Harris (who is married now…after “not dating”).
I read these way before getting married and they inspired me to guard my heart while pouring it into God.
Love ya girl!
Your heart, it’s His. Your greatest devotion is to Him. When you look to a boy (even your husband) to fulfill emotional needs, well, he will let you down.
I have come to realize that for me, I am the keeper of my spiritual well being. My hubby is the head of my house but it’s not his job to bring me along spiritually. It’s mine.
The closer I get to God, the healthier I am, both spiritually and emotionally. Even when my marriage seems rocky (after 13 years there have been numerous rocky times) if i am clinging to God, the heartbreak of the situation seems to lessen. Not go away, (at all) but lessen.
This seems a bit convoluted but hopefully it makes a bit of sense.
You’ve had some really great and thoughtful responses already, so I won’t elaborate on the initimacy/romance with a guy aspect. But I will add this: Be careful to guard your heart in terms of the input. Make educated, wise choices about the things you watch and read. As women, we may not be affected by the things we see as much as men, but we are definitely affected by the things we imagine. We set our marriages up for failure when we create expectations for a man, based on characters in books or movies. Furthermore, we create a desire in our minds and hearts for fulfillment of a fairytale. This can lead us to succumb to temptations we never intended to. Make sense? As a young single woman, I made the decision to guard my heart by avoiding certain books (romance novels) and movies, because I didn’t want to desire an impure life. As a married woman, I help my husband to lead a pure life by helping us choose entertainment that is wholesome. Incidentally, guarding your heart doesn’t stop when you’re married!
I heard a college minister speak on Prov. 4:23 once and he said that it means to guard your heart from sin. I thought it was so good because if we guard our hearts from sin in our relationships, and if it doesn’t work out, then we can walk away as two whole people rather than two scarred ones.
Guard your heart – (v) -
the act of protecting yourself from unnecessary harm at the hands of noncommittal boys.
ie – Not calling the boy and asking for prayer for your great aunt sally who broke her pinkie toe
ie – Not adding extra poof to the hair just to catch the eyes of the hottie on the fourth pew
ie – Not telling Jane to tell Sue to tel Julie to casually mention to her cousin Sam that you are single.
ie – Waiting on him to make the first move.
ie – knowing that if he wants to talk, he’ll call you.
ie – developing friendships and praying for God to open doors for one romance with one man who He made for you.
ie – the hardest thing God ever asked us to do in Scripture
I’ve just read through all of these comments and think that Amanda’s is the one I most indentify with …
“I heard a college minister speak on Prov. 4:23 once and he said that it means to guard your heart from sin. I thought it was so good because if we guard our hearts from sin in our relationships, and if it doesn’t work out, then we can walk away as two whole people rather than two scarred ones.”
I guard my heart in all of my relationships to a certain level because it can be hurt by friends just as easily as a spouse. Unfortunately, I am a very compassionate person and so I love easy and much and it’s the whole getting my brain and heart on the same page thing that sometimes gets goofed up!
XOXOXO
PS. Ninja skills… they’re totally necessary when you are someone like me
;o)
XOXOXO
Wow, so many great comments!! It’s been a blessing to me just reading through them all. I can relate to a lot of what’s already been said so I won’t rehash it. One thing I have learned is to be aware of not going too far the OTHER way when guarding my heart in relationships (whether romantic or not). When I was younger I gave my heart away too freely and learned my lesson the hard way (by getting hurt). In an attempt to be wiser with who and how I shared my heart, I went too far in the opposite direction and refrained from giving any piece of it to anybody. After all, if I didn’t even give guys a foothold in my heart, I couldn’t get hurt, right? God has been teaching me slowly how to be open and warm and give people a chance to prove themselves (not locking my heart completely behind closed doors) without opening that door too far. It’s a balancing test and the boundaries take time to set with each person, but taking the time to figure them out has been very much worth it.
So much wonderful, wise advice you’ve received already…..makes me want to print it out and save it for my girls to read down the road (they’re 6 and 4 right now)!
One other thought that came to my mind…..when in a relationship (esp. one that isn’t at the commitment level of “engagement” yet), consider asking yourself, “Is what I’m sharing with this person (physically, emotionally, spiritually) something that is OK for me to be sharing with someone else’s future husband, should this relationship not end in marriage between the two of us?” Or the flip side……”Would I be OK with another girl sharing this (fill in the blank) with MY future husband – who I may not have met yet?”
Not sure if that made sense (it did in my head, but it’s late here in WA, and I don’t know if I explained it well enough).
I just know that God has someone wonderful for you, Amy Beth…..and when He brings you two together, it will be a beautiful reflection of His love, and oh, so worth the wait!
Amy Beth!
I’m a new reader to your blog…we’ve never met and I’m pretty sure I live about ten thousand miles away from you, but a gal that I work with recommended reading your stuff. I have not been disappointed. : ) Thanks for sharing your life with us. I’m learning a lot.
AND, onto the question:
After the ups and downs and mistakes of high school (and early college) dating relationships, I up and swore off boys for permanent. I picked up a few handy books with themes like “Falling in Love with Jesus” and did nerdy things like staying in on Friday nights to read my Bible by candlelight, while sipping sparkling lemonade from a wine glass. This was a slow, but beautiful season in which I realized…
RULE #1: My heart belongs to Christ first and forever.
Through those earlier relationships I had sought comfort and confidence in affirmation from boys. My need was self-esteem related. I sought the opposite gender to “fill me up”…and I continuously found myself empty.
I believe the call to “guard” the heart involves recognizing whatever you need, and fully admitting that no one but Christ can fulfill it. Whatever we look for or hope for in men, reserve that job for God.
Now, wouldn’t you know, that only a handful of months after beginning my “romantic courtship” with Jesus, he placed into my life a certain young gentleman…who is now my husband.
Through a slow, careful dating process we grew into great friends. And together we set down some clear boundaries (many based on the dozens of “Christian Relationships” books I had read)…
RULE #2: The point of dating is to make a decision about marriage.
This means that yes, before I even said “yes” to “going out” with him, we laid down the law that if this train wasn’t headed toward the altar, we shouldn’t be on board. This means that we spent a lot of time communicating about the direction and purpose of our relationship. Which bring me to…
RULE #3: Use your words wisely.
Specifically, we decided that “I Love You” in this context needed to wait until we were 100% certain that our commitment to one another was permanent…i.e. upon his proposal of marriage. This was tough but good because we had to be clear and specific in expressing our affection to one another. We realized that the point of our dating was to LEARN to love one another, and saying the words meant making the choice–YES, I will do this, day in and day out, as long as we both shall live.
Of course, all of this is easily summed up in a tidy little blog comment, but the journey was messy and complicated and full of those all-too-familiar mistakes that we humans make. The great part is that God’s grace is real, and we have experienced it time and again!
Thanks again for doing what you do.
Blessings!
Wow, what a question. Please pardon me if any of this sounds too Sunday-school, but it’s true.
The key to guarding your heart: The more you belong to God, the less you will foolishly give yourself away to the wrong people, but the MORE you will give yourself away to the right ones! It doesn’t make logical sense, but it works.
Practical things… I know it’s hard not to obsess with love and marriage, but renew your mind. Don’t go around with the mindset of “each and every male could be a potential boyfriend/mate.” Don’t become consumed with this sort of thinking. Don’t worry — when he comes along, you won’t miss him! It’s not up to you to do the pursuing, anyway.
Also, don’t say things or get in situations that you would be embarrassed for your parents to know. I’m not just talking about sexual temptation, but also things like going overboard with the gushy talk on the phone or spending all your time with just him. Try to keep your girlfriends accountable, too. Don’t encourage their behaviors of falling head-over-heels at the slightest prompting just because it’s fun.
Treat every dating relationship as a marriage test. If you don’t want to spend every day for the rest of your life with him (no chance to ever have any other man) or you wouldn’t want your children to grow up to be like him, don’t even waste your time. Wait for God’s best…not perfect, but best.
Be wary and be wise. Listen to the Holy Spirit when He tells you to be careful. He wants you to act like the mature, valuable daughter of the King that you are, not a silly, clueless junior high girl. You might feel that way sometimes, but you know you’re not.
Then, after you’re joined with the one God has for you, be as silly and romantic as you want! Be over the top, and brag on your fella to your girlfriends on a regular basis!
This definition has evolved over the years, mostly because no one bothered to explain it in the first place. For me, guarding your heart is about the awareness of how I fall in love. I think it’s important to know how you fall in love. I fall in crush or attraction quite frequently. But love, that is a little more complex. I am not saying that you should not have romantic, warm fuzzy, silly girl feelings. What I am saying is that a guarded heart loves with emotion and with the mind. It’s important to ask questions, listen, listen, listen and then ask more questions. I may not have the right guy yet, but I know that guarding my heart with my mind has spared me a lot of hurt. It will also create a place of safety for me to recklessly love Mr. Right…when I find him.
Most of the other commenters have covered it pretty well. But one thing that I have learned in my life is that I have to guard my heart not only when it comes to romantic relationships, but also when it comes to friendships with guys. Too often I convinced myself that because it was it was a friendship there was no need to worry about my heart. Oh, how foolish are the young! More often than not, that led to being hurt even worse because I left myself wide open & gave away far more of my heart than I should have.
I took my definition of guarding ones heart from a book by Janet Folger.
I’ll paraphrase here: Guard your heart by giving it to God to take care of. Don’t go tossing your heart at every guy who seems appealing – they might take that treasure and store it in their garage.
Nope – you give your heart to God to care for – and tell any guy that if he wants your heart – seek God to get it.
I see some friends of mine toss their hearts at anything that moves – then they wonder why it gets bruised and scraped and covered in dirt.
Another writer that Mr. Burns and I heard speak – gave the demonstration with a water bottle.
If I hand you this water bottle how will you hold it? You’ll just grab it, maybe squeeze it to watch the water level move. Maybe you’ll set it on the floor.
But I tell you that I am handing you a priceless sculpture, made of glass – you’ll hold it delicately. You’ll use both hands and treat it carefully.
Look for the man who holds your heart, your hand – heck even your purse – as if he is holding the most precious thing ever to come into his possession.
I agree so much with Rachel’s comment above on guarding your emotions. There’s so much emphasis placed on sexual purity (which there should be!) but us women often times think with our emotions and married or not, we need to be careful of emotional adultery.
I may be wrong, but I believe some things are meant to be shared only with your spouse and with the Lord. I think it’s dangerous territory when you begin sharing intimate conversations with “close guy friends” because females become attached so easily. When we’re single it’s so easy to turn to the male counterpart for advice and a shoulder to lean on, but that can carry over into marriage and cause spouses to seek an outside opinion from the opposite sex other than their spouse. I don’t think that’s healthy. I think we are naive to how easy it is to become emotionally involved with people and we often fail to put appropriate boundaries in place.
I’m 27 years old and have been married for less than a year so my age and experience are lacking and I have much to learn. I look forward to learning though and becoming a better wife and friend to my husband.
Thank you for writing this blog and tackling the subjects that you do. You do it well and it helps so many people!
Oh, how I wish I’d been wise enough to ask others for practical ways to guard my heart. As a young single (early twenties), I desperately wanted to do just that, but had no idea how. It all sounded like so much spiritual jargon to me. So I had to learn the hard way. And I had plenty of opportunity to learn, because I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 32. After so many years of singleness and the heartache and stigma that goes along with it, as well as spending 3 years teaching a singles Sunday School class, I developed a heart for single women and love to share what I’ve learned in hopes of helping them.
I thought this question was important enough that I spent a couple of days thinking about it. I also talked to my husband about it since he was 35 when we married and had never been married before. So please allow me to share with you some of what we came up with:
1. Seek the opinions of people you trust and respect about a possible date/boyfriend. This means that very quickly in the relationship (and even before the relationship begins, if possible) you should make sure he meets some of your friends/family. If he doesn’t want to meet them, consider it a red flag. If working out a meeting isn’t possible, ask mutual friends about him. Really listen to what these people say, and read between the lines if you have to. They may pick up on things that you haven’t picked up on. It’s especially helpful to ask a guy friend/family member what they think. Guys read other guys the way girls read other girls. I’ve even heard that you should find out what their co-workers think about them. That can be very telling.
2. Respond to the Holy Spirit when He gives you a “holy warning” about someone. My husband clearly remembers hearing a voice in his head saying, “Dude, just run away” (I paraphrase) in the first stages of one relationship. And he didn’t listen. Five years later he was finally able to pull himself free from misery, and now we both deal with the repercussions of that relationship.
3. When first meeting a guy, don’t start planning your wedding or imagining what your children would look like. Seriously, take it a day at a time. This means not sitting around with your friends fantasizing about a future with Boy You’ve Only Known For Two Weeks.
4. Don’t make excuses for why a guy isn’t asking you out. I think that this is one of the most damaging things that we as women do to ourselves and each other. We get together with our friends and say things like, “He’s just really shy, how sweet” or “He’s intimidated by you and your success/brains/beauty” or “Maybe he doesn’t realize you like him and just needs encouragement”…it goes on and on. The bottom line is that if a guy is interested in a girl, he WILL ask her out, no matter how shy or busy or whatever he is. So we as believers should not be encouraging each other in these lies. I’ve seen women waste YEARS on a guy that was never going to love them because they clung to these lies like they were the last piece of chocolate on earth. They read things into his every look and word. If a guys doesn’t ask you out, just assume that he’s not interested and move on without making a big fuss.
5. While guarding your heart, don’t lock it away. My husband warned that guys aren’t interested in girls that completely close themselves off. The idea behind “guarding” is that the wrong people are kept out while the right people are allowed in.
6. Don’t throw around “I love you.” I’m pretty sure that I’m honest in saying that my husband is the only man I’ve said “I love you” to. And only after he said it first. I even had one guy tell me to tell him that I loved him. Although he’d never said it to me himself. I just told him that I possibly could someday. That was a short-lived relationship.
I’m sure if we sat down for a cup of coffee that I could come up with a lot more, but there’s some food for thought that I think can apply to any single woman. I really hope it helps.