I thought this question was important enough that I spent a couple of days thinking about it. I also talked to my husband about it since he was 35 when we married and had never been married before. So please allow me to share with you some of what we came up with:

1. Seek the opinions of people you trust and respect about a possible date/boyfriend. This means that very quickly in the relationship (and even before the relationship begins, if possible) you should make sure he meets some of your friends/family. If he doesn’t want to meet them, consider it a red flag. If working out a meeting isn’t possible, ask mutual friends about him. Really listen to what these people say, and read between the lines if you have to. They may pick up on things that you haven’t picked up on. It’s especially helpful to ask a guy friend/family member what they think. Guys read other guys the way girls read other girls. I’ve even heard that you should find out what their co-workers think about them. That can be very telling.
2. Respond to the Holy Spirit when He gives you a “holy warning” about someone. My husband clearly remembers hearing a voice in his head saying, “Dude, just run away” (I paraphrase) in the first stages of one relationship. And he didn’t listen. Five years later he was finally able to pull himself free from misery, and now we both deal with the repercussions of that relationship.
3. When first meeting a guy, don’t start planning your wedding or imagining what your children would look like. Seriously, take it a day at a time. This means not sitting around with your friends fantasizing about a future with Boy You’ve Only Known For Two Weeks.
4. Don’t make excuses for why a guy isn’t asking you out. I think that this is one of the most damaging things that we as women do to ourselves and each other. We get together with our friends and say things like, “He’s just really shy, how sweet” or “He’s intimidated by you and your success/brains/beauty” or “Maybe he doesn’t realize you like him and just needs encouragement”…it goes on and on. The bottom line is that if a guy is interested in a girl, he WILL ask her out, no matter how shy or busy or whatever he is. So we as believers should not be encouraging each other in these lies. I’ve seen women waste YEARS on a guy that was never going to love them because they clung to these lies like they were the last piece of chocolate on earth. They read things into his every look and word. If a guys doesn’t ask you out, just assume that he’s not interested and move on without making a big fuss.
5. While guarding your heart, don’t lock it away. My husband warned that guys aren’t interested in girls that completely close themselves off. The idea behind “guarding” is that the wrong people are kept out while the right people are allowed in.
6. Don’t throw around “I love you.” I’m pretty sure that I’m honest in saying that my husband is the only man I’ve said “I love you” to. And only after he said it first. I even had one guy tell me to tell him that I loved him. Although he’d never said it to me himself. I just told him that I possibly could someday. That was a short-lived relationship.

I’m sure if we sat down for a cup of coffee that I could come up with a lot more, but there’s some food for thought that I think can apply to any single woman. I really hope it helps.

I may be wrong, but I believe some things are meant to be shared only with your spouse and with the Lord. I think it’s dangerous territory when you begin sharing intimate conversations with “close guy friends” because females become attached so easily. When we’re single it’s so easy to turn to the male counterpart for advice and a shoulder to lean on, but that can carry over into marriage and cause spouses to seek an outside opinion from the opposite sex other than their spouse. I don’t think that’s healthy. I think we are naive to how easy it is to become emotionally involved with people and we often fail to put appropriate boundaries in place.

I’m 27 years old and have been married for less than a year so my age and experience are lacking and I have much to learn. I look forward to learning though and becoming a better wife and friend to my husband.

Thank you for writing this blog and tackling the subjects that you do. You do it well and it helps so many people!

I see some friends of mine toss their hearts at anything that moves – then they wonder why it gets bruised and scraped and covered in dirt.

Another writer that Mr. Burns and I heard speak – gave the demonstration with a water bottle.
If I hand you this water bottle how will you hold it? You’ll just grab it, maybe squeeze it to watch the water level move. Maybe you’ll set it on the floor.
But I tell you that I am handing you a priceless sculpture, made of glass – you’ll hold it delicately. You’ll use both hands and treat it carefully.

Look for the man who holds your heart, your hand – heck even your purse – as if he is holding the most precious thing ever to come into his possession.

The key to guarding your heart: The more you belong to God, the less you will foolishly give yourself away to the wrong people, but the MORE you will give yourself away to the right ones! It doesn’t make logical sense, but it works.

Practical things… I know it’s hard not to obsess with love and marriage, but renew your mind. Don’t go around with the mindset of “each and every male could be a potential boyfriend/mate.” Don’t become consumed with this sort of thinking. Don’t worry — when he comes along, you won’t miss him! It’s not up to you to do the pursuing, anyway.

Also, don’t say things or get in situations that you would be embarrassed for your parents to know. I’m not just talking about sexual temptation, but also things like going overboard with the gushy talk on the phone or spending all your time with just him. Try to keep your girlfriends accountable, too. Don’t encourage their behaviors of falling head-over-heels at the slightest prompting just because it’s fun.

Treat every dating relationship as a marriage test. If you don’t want to spend every day for the rest of your life with him (no chance to ever have any other man) or you wouldn’t want your children to grow up to be like him, don’t even waste your time. Wait for God’s best…not perfect, but best.

Be wary and be wise. Listen to the Holy Spirit when He tells you to be careful. He wants you to act like the mature, valuable daughter of the King that you are, not a silly, clueless junior high girl. You might feel that way sometimes, but you know you’re not.

Then, after you’re joined with the one God has for you, be as silly and romantic as you want! Be over the top, and brag on your fella to your girlfriends on a regular basis!

I’m a new reader to your blog…we’ve never met and I’m pretty sure I live about ten thousand miles away from you, but a gal that I work with recommended reading your stuff. I have not been disappointed. : ) Thanks for sharing your life with us. I’m learning a lot.

AND, onto the question:

After the ups and downs and mistakes of high school (and early college) dating relationships, I up and swore off boys for permanent. I picked up a few handy books with themes like “Falling in Love with Jesus” and did nerdy things like staying in on Friday nights to read my Bible by candlelight, while sipping sparkling lemonade from a wine glass. This was a slow, but beautiful season in which I realized…

RULE #1: My heart belongs to Christ first and forever.

Through those earlier relationships I had sought comfort and confidence in affirmation from boys. My need was self-esteem related. I sought the opposite gender to “fill me up”…and I continuously found myself empty.

I believe the call to “guard” the heart involves recognizing whatever you need, and fully admitting that no one but Christ can fulfill it. Whatever we look for or hope for in men, reserve that job for God.

Now, wouldn’t you know, that only a handful of months after beginning my “romantic courtship” with Jesus, he placed into my life a certain young gentleman…who is now my husband.

Through a slow, careful dating process we grew into great friends. And together we set down some clear boundaries (many based on the dozens of “Christian Relationships” books I had read)…

RULE #2: The point of dating is to make a decision about marriage.

This means that yes, before I even said “yes” to “going out” with him, we laid down the law that if this train wasn’t headed toward the altar, we shouldn’t be on board. This means that we spent a lot of time communicating about the direction and purpose of our relationship. Which bring me to…

RULE #3: Use your words wisely.

Specifically, we decided that “I Love You” in this context needed to wait until we were 100% certain that our commitment to one another was permanent…i.e. upon his proposal of marriage. This was tough but good because we had to be clear and specific in expressing our affection to one another. We realized that the point of our dating was to LEARN to love one another, and saying the words meant making the choice–YES, I will do this, day in and day out, as long as we both shall live.

Of course, all of this is easily summed up in a tidy little blog comment, but the journey was messy and complicated and full of those all-too-familiar mistakes that we humans make. The great part is that God’s grace is real, and we have experienced it time and again!

Thanks again for doing what you do.

Blessings!

One other thought that came to my mind…..when in a relationship (esp. one that isn’t at the commitment level of “engagement” yet), consider asking yourself, “Is what I’m sharing with this person (physically, emotionally, spiritually) something that is OK for me to be sharing with someone else’s future husband, should this relationship not end in marriage between the two of us?” Or the flip side……”Would I be OK with another girl sharing this (fill in the blank) with MY future husband – who I may not have met yet?”

Not sure if that made sense (it did in my head, but it’s late here in WA, and I don’t know if I explained it well enough). I just know that God has someone wonderful for you, Amy Beth…..and when He brings you two together, it will be a beautiful reflection of His love, and oh, so worth the wait!

;o)

XOXOXO