I had no idea when I bought Cuddles that he would be a puppy that would want me to carry him around my bedroom like he’s a baby with his little head resting on my shoulder every night when I come home from work but that’s what we do, each and every single night.  Every human being needs something to give their love to, I think.

Even if that something is responsible for the destruction of every pair of ballet flats I’ve ever owned.

“She hears a noise behind the gate… perhaps a stranger she could love?”

Her Morning Elegance | Oren Lavie

P.S. — Listen to the song.  You’ll like it, promise — especially the cello in the background.

And we’ll both be listening to it on repeat tonight.

I was 22 and sitting in an uncomfortable chair when my counselor said some life-changing words to me:

“I think you have some transference issues when it comes to how you think God views you.”

I had never heard the term before but got an explanation quickly: basically I was taking the way other influential people in my life had treated me and transferring those feelings directly to God, just automatically assuming that’s the way He would treat me as well.

I instantly knew that I had been doing just that for years.  And that habits sometimes die hard.

– — –

I did something today that was unusual for me.  I picked up the phone and called someone in my life and more or less said “I’m struggling right now, I need emotional support, please help me.”  It was a hard call to make, a risky move on my part.  But this person’s role in my life would put them in the line-up for people I could expect emotional support from, so I humbly asked for it, even saying “I’m sorry I have to ask you for it, but I don’t have a spouse or significant other so you’re the next place I know to go to right now.”

They declined.

– — –

It’s a little after 1 a.m. now and I’m just laying here thinking about it, silently crying.  I have no answers for transference, no solution of how we somehow stop seeing other people’s faces when we’re looking for God’s.

All I know is that we’ve got to figure it out quickly before a whole new generation of girls start to believe that they don’t matter to God.

All because they didn’t matter to the person in their life who first looked most like Him.

– — –

One day I will write a book and, on the very first page, I’ll list lyrics from what may be the single most powerful song I’ve ever heard:

“Oh no, I trust you’ve seen that skin?

It’s the same she’s been standing in

since the day she saw him walking away.

Now I’m left cleaning up the mess he made.

On behalf of every man,

looking out for every girl,

you are the god and the weight of her world.”

Daughters (Acoustic Version) | John Mayer

Comments closed.

Our local Dairy Queen offers free wifi, so it’s become a popular place for the 20-something crowd.  As soon as I got off work today I met up with Katie, Cate and our friend Tiffany so we could all get some work done.  Katie had a paper to write; Cate had an application to finish and Tiffany I tackled Katie’s wedding invitations.  We stayed for three full hours, giggling and just getting stuff done.

I never do these types of surveys on Facebook, mainly because they take so long and are kinda pointless. But I’ve been tagged for this one a lot and, frankly, need something completely mind-numbing and pointless to write about today that won’t require me to actually, you know, think.

Thus, the following most pointless post you’ve ever seen on this blog.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?

Hair. Obvs it’s the highest priority.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?

I have a green one from college that I still love. Or my gray and pink one from college.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

No.

4. Do you plan outfits?

Yes, when I’m on top of my life. So, right now? Um, no.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

Let’s not discuss such things.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?

A can of hairspray (I’m blow drying my hair as I write this).

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

Nightmare about Cate being abducted. Really. It was awful.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?

Not yet.

9. What are you craving right now?

Sleep.

10. Do you floss?

Sometimes.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

Gag reflex.

12. Are you emotional?

Is there a word stronger than YES?

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

I think so.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

I don’t really eat ice cream that much. But I think I bite it.

15. Do you like your hair?

Yes. Even when it’s misbehaving, at least I have hair.

16. Do you like yourself?

Sometimes. I’m working on this.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?

Yes. I would like to ask him how people in Texas get their hair so high.

18. What are you listening to right now?

My blow dryer.

19. Are your parents strict?

They were, sometimes. Depended on the issue.

20. Would you go sky diving?

HECK NO.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?

NO. Ugh.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?

Yep, several. Amy Grant was, by far, my favorite.

23. Do you rent movies often?

Not too often.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?

Yes, of course. This is me we’re talking about, after all.

25. How many countries have you visited?

Canada, England, Scotland, Bahamas, Italy and a quick layover in France.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?

Oh yes. But it was in middle school.

27. Ever been on a train?

Yes and, as a matter of fact, I’d really like to go on one again sometime.

28. Brown or white eggs?

I don’t really eat eggs so I don’t think I’m qualified to answer this question.

29. Do you have a cell phone?

Actually, mine died yesterday. I wrote a post about it last night but we’ll see if it ever gets published. Kinda deep for a post about your cell phone breaking.

30. Do you use Chap Stick?

No, Carmex.

31. Do you own a gun?

No, I wouldn’t want Snuggles y Cuddles to hurt themselves with it.

32. Can you use chop sticks?

No, but it’s funny to watch me try.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

About 150 wedding invitation envelopes and a glass full of caffeine. I’m addressing Katie’s wedding invitations and they’re supposed to go out tomorrow.

34. Are you too forgiving?

I guess you can’t be too forgiving, but I need to begin making wiser choices about various relationships in my life.

35. Ever been in love?

I think it was love, but now I’m not really sure.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

In no particular order: Cara will be rocking babies in Ecuador; Kelly will be at work and then church; Ashley will be trying to keep from having morning sickness; Cate will be working in the more dangerous areas of town; Katie will be pretending to study for finals; Christan will be having her typical good hair day; Kimberly will be wishing she was best friends with Steve Nash; Marisa will be driving all the boys wild; etc.

37. Ever have cream puffs?

Nope.

38. Last time you cried?

Last night.

39. What was the last question you asked?

“Isn’t learning patience just the worst?”

40. Favorite time of year?

Autumn, fall, whatever it’s called.

41. Do you have any tattoos?

No, but I almost got my nose pierced my junior year of college.

42. Are you sarcastic?

Well, now anytime asks me if it’s true I’m quitting Starlite because I’m pregnant, I just say “triplets.” So maybe a little sarcastic. But not typically.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

No, but I stood in a room full of butterflies this weekend. It was fun.

44. Ever walked into a wall?

Welcome to my life.

45. Favorite color?

“Starlite blue.” Going to need a new favorite color, stat.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

Actually, yes. Third grade. And I got detention for it.

47. Is your hair curly?

It can be, if I want it that way.

48. What was the last CD you bought?

The Kari Jobe one. It’s still good.

49. Do looks matter?

Yes. It’s not the answer I wish it were. But yes.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?

I used to say I would never be able to (nor did I think I would ever actually be in the position to find out) but I got the opportunity to test that theory out and discovered that, surprisingly, I could. During the process, though, I thought I’d never get over someone being unfaithful to me. I also seriously thought that Cousin Cate was going to go all Carrie-Underwood-Before-He-Cheats on the person responsible for me going through the experience and I am not even joking. To this day, I don’t think that boy knows how close he came to having Cate show up on his doorstep wearing her camo outfit.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?

Well, it won’t be anymore.

52. Do you like your life right now?

Yes.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

I don’t watch TV. Like, literally.

54. Can you handle the truth?

Not very well.

55. Do you have good vision?

Actually, no. Not at all.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?

I don’t hate them, but I do dislike more than three people.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?

It’s dramatically different now that Starlite’s programs are over as of last week.

58. The last person you held hands with?

Ex-boyfriend. I really like holding hands, especially in the car. I’m sure you’re all shocked by this admission.

59. What are you wearing?

Pajamas.

60. What is your favorite animal?

SnugglesyCuddles. I can’t pick between the two.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?

Ashley’s car when we were celebrating her birthday. I miss her today.

62. Can you hula hoop?

No, which is sad because my hips should be used for something.

63. Do you have a job?

Ha. Ha, ha, ha. Next question.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?

A gift for someone to give someone else. That’s right. I sometimes get to shop for someone else as part of That Other Job of mine. It’s incredible.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

Yes, in college. I was sneaking into a male dorm after curfew (but it was for Starlite, promise!). The RA (whom I already knew) caught me and we ended up dating. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have spent more time crawling through windows during those undergrad years.

“Don’t be afraid, baby don’t you cry

Daddy’s here, it’ll be all right

You’re not alone.

You’re not alone.

Don’t be afraid when you’re cold at night

I will keep you warm, I will hold you tight

You’re not alone.

You’re not alone.”

Emma’s Song | Jason Upton

– — –

For all the trying I do to be a grown-up during the day,

it seems I’m sometimes still a little girl late at night.

Comments closed.

I’m going to do a re-cap of this past weekend’s final event with my college girls, but that will first involve me actually loading the pictures onto my laptop.  So, in the meantime, since you all pretended seemed to like reading the first column I wrote for my town’s newspaper back during my sophomore year of college, I decided to share another one with you (remember, I was 19 when I wrote this).  In the column, titled Pride Cometh Before A (Big) Fall, I wrote about how, no matter where I am in the world, I’m totally capable of — and typically find myself — falling on my face.

Like I said last time, some things just never change.

Last week, Lee hosted one of my favorite events of the year: Frontline.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with Lee-speak, I’ll let you in on the secret.  Several times during the year, Lee opens its campus to throngs of high school seniors who are considering enrolling in the university.  The students comes from all over the country and spend a day getting to know the campus, faculty and students.

I’m lucky enough to get to spend some time with these prospective students during their day as a “college student.”  My main role is to serve as a tour guide, taking groups of students and their families on brief campus tours and then eat lunch with them in our newly-renovated (and much improved) dining hall.

I get excited about Frontline long before the actual event.  As corny as this might sound, I guess I’m like a kid on Christmas morning: waking up long before everyone else and sneaking down to see what’s waiting under the tree.  Only for me, it’s fun high school students wrapped up in dreams about college life.

When I met the group that I would leading in a tour, I noticed that one family seemed familiar.  They noticed me looking at them and mentioned that they had attended a previous Frontline event and had been in my tour group before.  I quickly offered to let them switch to another group (after all, who would want to hear the same gal again?) but they assured me that I had kept them amused the last time and they were just back for round two.  Feeling a bit of pride seeping in, I started my tour with a big smile and stories of college life.

I’ve always heard that pride comes before a fall, but I didn’t know it could be so literal.  Upon entering our first building in the tour, I fell up the stairs and found myself staring at cement.  The group of 20 behind me gasped in unison before rushing to help me up.  Embarrassed, I continued the tour in an upright position and dropped my group off at the dining hall a few minutes before lunch.

As I was saying goodbye to the group, the woman who had taken my tour before approached me with her daughter and husband in tow.  Nervously, she asked me if she could ask a confidential question and if I would be willing to give an honest answer.  I plastered the you’re-getting-ready-to-ask-me-what-life-at-Lee-is-really-like smile on my face and assured her I would be truthful.

“Honey, do they make you fall during your tours?” she asked, leaning in close.

Rather shocked, I replied “Actually, no.  Why would you ask?”

“Well, last time we were here, you fell during our tour and then today you fell again.  We just thought that the school might make you fall to make us laugh,” she explained.

I began laughing and quickly explained that my ability to fall in any place at any given moment and in any pair of shoes is a trait that my friends have come to love (or at least make fun of).  I’ve fallen all over the Lee campus and in three foreign countries.  Sometimes I fall down steps, but I usually defy gravity and fall up the stairs.  On an almost daily basis, my roommate Jill issues her standard warning before I leave for class: no high heels, no uneven ground and always use the handrail.  Although there are no prospects at the moment, my friends have already begun taking bets on how far I will make it down the wedding aisle before falling towards the altar.

I used to be really bothered by the number of times I fall a week until a child observing one classic fall while I taught his Sunday school class offered a great viewpoint.

“Miss Amy Beth,” he began, as he watched me pick myself up from the floor.  “Don’t be sad.  At least you get to pick out a cool Band-Aid.”

I wonder just how large a box of Band-Aids you can buy.

Originally published in Bradley News Weekly on February 11, 2004.

1. First of all, why am I still up when I have a very busy day tomorrow?

2. I had the loveliest lunch with Cousin Cate today.  We went to our favorite little downtown place and she drank this orange stuff from France and I drank lemonade and we talked about normal, girls-in-their-20s types of things.  We giggled a lot.

3. My little Katie had her last college formal tonight.  When I went to her house earlier this evening, she was trying to decide between three dresses.  Two hours later, I got a text informing me that she had a wardrobe malfunction with the one she chose.  I can’t wait to hear the story.

4. Getting Snuggles y Cuddles was one of the top five best decisions of my life.  I really have no idea how to explain how much I love those two puppies.  They’re asleep beside me right now.

5. Tomorrow night (wait, tonight) is my last official “thing” with my Starlite college girls.  Katie and I were talking about it earlier tonight and she said “we can’t talk about this” and I said “I know.”  I am dreading it because I honestly don’t know if I can make it through it.  Seriously.  If you knew my girls, you’d understand why.

6. I did something Super Top Secret today for a surprise for someone else but the surprise hasn’t actually happened yet so I can’t say what I did.  I LOVE SURPRISES (as long as they aren’t for me).

7. Okay, Cousin Cate and I need you to weigh in on a debate we had earlier tonight: we passed a “sleep disorder center” and I mentioned that I thought it would be nice to have someone watch me sleep at night.  CC acted like that was weird or something.  Your opinion?  I mean, I don’t want some creep to sneak into my bedroom and sit at the foot of my bed or anything.  So maybe this isn’t that great of an idea now that I think it through a little more. Hmm.

8. CC and I were at a store earlier tonight and, while I was paying for something, I made a comment to her about being nervous about wearing my bridesmaid dress with the other nine bridesmaids and the cashier spoke up and said “It sounds like the other bridesmaids have more confidence than you.”  I thought she said that backwards so I automatically said “thank you” but then I saw the look of horror on CC’s face and realized what the woman had really said and I said “actually, no thank you.”  And then when we got to the parking lot, I kinda lost my temper about it right there outside than store and CC didn’t even know what to say to me.  It was not my best moment and the worst part is that I was just mad I didn’t come up with something better to say back to that woman other than “ACTUALLY, NO THANK YOU.”

I’ve been trying to think of a good place to begin when it comes to writing about Starlite ending. I’ve finally given up and decided to just answer some of the questions that people have been asking lately. At some point I’ll talk more about some of them, but at least this gives us a good starting point.

1. Why?

Lots of reasons, but no one factor. It’s hard to explain this to anyone who isn’t “inside” the ministry, but I’ll give it another try. As cliché as this will sound, we truly believe that we’ve completed what God has asked us to do in this season of ministry. I think one of the most dangerous things we could do would be to continue trying to do something without God’s blessing or protection on the continuation of it.

Once the decision had been made (months ago), things naturally began to happen even before we were able to tell people about the decision: the building we used as an office was put up for sale by the owner; over 70% of our crucial monthly donations ceased due to economic strains for those businesses, churches and individuals; etc. I want to stress that all of those things (including the point in time when we realized that I was going to potentially lose my salary for the rest of this fiscal year) happened AFTER we had made the internal decision. While looking at our projected donations was a factor in the decision, contrary to the rumors going around we didn’t decide to quit because we were “out of money” or something like that. We look at the various things that happened after the decision was made as almost “confirmation” that we’re doing the right thing at this point in time.

I think people are looking for the “scoop” on what’s really happened (i.e. starting a vicious rumor that I’m pregnant out of wedlock and therefore closing Starlite down) but, honestly, there’s no “behind-the-scenes” drama. Really.

2. Will you stay on until July?

Yes, I’ll remain in my position until Starlite ends. I’ll thankfully be able to stay with pay, which is an answered prayer from a couple of months ago. Remember that, when I wrote that post, I already knew that Starlite would be ending in July. I resolved in my heart that I would stay and finish out what God had called me to — pay or no pay — even though several people around me urged me to go ahead and leave. I feel like it was a big test of obedience for me but, as soon as I made it clear I wasn’t leaving, God provided the rest of the funds for my salary.

3. What will you do after you leave Starlite?

I have no clue. I’ve been quietly looking at different options for a few months now but I don’t feel like I know exactly what I’m supposed to do yet. Back in January I “informed” God that I would like to make a decision about where I’d be living by the end of March so I could begin finding a job (or even vice versa — the job first then giving me the city). It’s nearing the end of April and I still have no idea.

Thus, perhaps we can assume that “informing” God of our plans doesn’t always work.

SHOCKING, I KNOW.

I have no idea what “career” path I should go to next. I think I’d like to stay in ministry, but I’d like to work in a position with more clearly defined times of “rest” than what I’ve experienced with Starlite. I would really love to work for an established ministry, especially in an administrative role. My masters degree is in Youth and Family Ministry so it covers a really broad spectrum — children, teenagers, college-aged individuals, singles (wait, shouldn’t I have a Ph.D. in that by now?), families, etc. I’d love it if my new role kept me helping girls and women of any age, but we’ll just wait and see.

I think the hardest thing for me right now is not really having a place to go or a person to go to. Maybe that explains a little more of why you’ve seen me dealing with my feelings about being single and on my own over the last few months. It’s a classic reminder to read between the lines because we really never know what private battles people are facing behind their blogs.

4. How are people taking the news?

This is a hard one for me to answer. Generally, people have been supportive. But there are always those few people who just want to make life hard. This week has been particularly ugly; I actually turned my cell phone off at one point (because someone had posted my number publicly and I was getting ridiculous calls) and left it that way for awhile. And, um, I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve actually turned my cell phone off so that was quite a bold step for me.

I’m a southern girl and, by nature, want to explain every little detail of every little situation out for every single person in my life. That’s really not appropriate in this situation, however, so it’s been hard for me to bite my tongue when people have judged our decision in a negative light, especially because I’m getting judged most of the time as well. Almost every night this week I’ve had a good, long cry in the privacy of my bedroom and told God that I just don’t want to do this and so forth. I’m really sensitive to criticism; if you knew my full story, you’d understand why.  I’m getting much better about dealing with it but I’m not where I need to be quite yet.

By far, the most difficult part is hearing people saying that we’re just giving up, taking the “easy” way out.  Trust me, there is NOTHING easy about this.  It would have been far easier to have just kept on going, kept on doing what we’ve been doing, kept on with the familiar.

But every morning I’ve woken up knowing that this is just part of it, part of what makes the term “ministry so fabulous” rather tongue-in-cheek. And so, every morning this week I’ve gotten up out of bed, pulled out my favorite pink velcro rollers and determined that no matter what’s coming my way that day, I’m going to fight like a girl.

With the best possible hair given the circumstances, of course.

I got a call from Cousin Cate earlier this afternoon informing me that she was nearby and, perhaps more importantly, had a baby squirrel up her pant leg. The fact that this news somehow didn’t surprise me in the least should explain a lot about Cousin Cate.

When I arrived, camera in hand, Cousin Cate informed me that she had already called her mom for permission to bring Baby Squirrel home with her to live seeing as it appeared to have fallen out of a tree and was now on it’s own. Her mom wasn’t moved by this story, however, so Cousin Cate decided to just spend some quality time with Baby Squirrel on his turf.

This, of course, resulted in a video in which Cousin Cate reacts to my caution to not kiss the squirrel by informing me that she’ll kiss whoever she wants to.

Like that’s a surprise or something.

I was looking through a box of junk left over from college when I came across the very first column I ever wrote for our town’s local newspaper. At the start of my sophomore year, I was picked to write a weekly column about life as a college student. To this day, I have no idea why anyone, much less a newspaper editor, thought the greater Cleveland area would enjoy reading about my (mis)adventures, but the column somehow caught on and I continued writing it until midway through my junior year when Starlite began to really take off and I had to cut some other commitments in my life, including the column.

As I was reading back through my first column, I couldn’t help but laugh at how similar it sounds to the blog posts that I now write some six years later. I thought you might like to see what my “voice” sounded like back then, so have a little peek:

Fall break, the glorious two days that are given to well-deserving college students, has come and gone.

While most of my friends headed home (and some even to the beach!), I found myself heading towards the oral surgeon’s office. The reason for my visit? A lovely procedure called wisdom teeth removal.

Frankly, I dreaded the operation. Friends and family had told me horror stories of dry sockets, sleepless nights and, oddly enough, the loss of teeth that weren’t meant to be removed.

My mother and I arrived at the office before my appointment time and ended up having to wait an extra 45 minutes. This added time offered me a prime opportunity to think about all the negative things that could happen while under anesthesia. By the time the nurse came for me in the waiting room, I was wishing that I was younger and could have my mom hold my hand during the operation.

I shouldn’t have worried. Within about three seconds of receiving the anesthesia, I was out. In fact, I was out for the rest of the day. When I woke up the next morning, I expected pain. I was surprised to find that, although I was as swollen as a chipmunk, I wasn’t in pain.

Friends that called to check on me told me to wait; the promised that, as soon as I stopped taking pain medicine, I would have the pain that they had endured. But as I write this, a week after the operation, I’ve still not had any pain.

Oddly enough, not many people are quick to share my joy. Apparently, misery loves company.

The new Behavioral and Social Sciences building (now known as the Humanities Center) on Lee’s campus is being constructed quite quickly. I’ve kept a close eye on its progress since my dorm room directly faces the extremely loud construction site.

In related news, Atkins-Ellis Dorm female residents have quit setting their alarm clocks, instead relying on the sound of bulldozers to wake them each morning.

Apparently though, there are a few advantages to having construction workers right outside your door. Several girls report that they rate their appearance for the day by the number of whistles solicited from the building site. Anything less than three whistles merits a trip right back to their dorm room for a new outfit and hairstyle.

On a separate note, my friend Christan has found herself in a bit of a predicament. Two weeks ago, out of the kindness of her heart, she decided to fix dinner for ten of our mutual friends. Between playing with her new dog, eating a home-cooked meal and having a girls-only “spa party,” all involved had a fabulous time. Problem is, now everyone wants to go there for dinner each night of the week. It just goes to prove that a college student cannot live on Ramen Noodles alone.

Originally published in Bradley News Weekly on November 5, 2003.