Maybe.
I once was asked what the most significant thing God has ever said to me was. Tonight, while the rain is falling and the sky is getting darker outside my window, is a good night to tell you.
– — –
Ever since my overnight trip to stay with the triplets (which actually happened back in January), I’ve had a post on my mind to write that’s never actually made it to your screen, mainly because I didn’t know how to write it. That’s unusual for me; I can write about most anything if I really want, whenever I want. Writing comes naturally to me, even more so when it’s about my feelings.
This subject has been different though, a bunch of thoughts I haven’t been able to tie together.
But I want to try.
– — –
When we got home from dinner during my overnight stay with the triplets back in January, it was time for them to get ready for bed. I timidly asked if I could help and J. let me supervise the brushing of teeth, the nightly devotions and even tucking each of the kids into bed.
K., the princess of the three, was my last stop in the tour of bedsides. She has a gorgeous room and looked like a little baby doll tucked in with her “lovies” all around her. As I walked up to her bed to tell her goodnight, she said we needed to do our prayers and that she would start them out for us.
She prayed for almost every item in her room and, of course, every head under that roof. She thanked God for her day and her teacher at school and even thanked Him for her brothers twice. When she was finished, I began, thanking God for the little things in my day and the little ones in the three beds I had stood beside. When I finished, K. reached her little hand out from under the cover and patted mine and then began telling me stories from her day while I remained knelt by her bedside.
When I went to my own bed that night, I couldn’t sleep. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling and wondering what it would feel like to tuck my own child into bed one night, to share a bed with a husband.
And for the first time ever, I honestly couldn’t imagine what it might feel like.
– — –
The other night, while we were eating dinner, I felt a little out of place, mainly because I’m not used to family dinners where there are two parents at the table and kids excitedly chattering between them. At one point in the meal all three of the triplets were talking about something while their mom and dad tried to keep up with the conversation, occasionally stopping to laugh at the sound of three little voices all talking at once. One of the triplets began telling J. something from his day and, as she listened intently, I caught a glimpse of her husband looking at her with unmasked adoration. I wasn’t surprised; sitting right behind him was a vase full of lovely flowers he had sent her that day, just because. It was a scene directly out of the dreams I’ve had for my own life for years now.
And sitting there I realized that I would trade everything I own to have that.
Everything I own.
– — –
I was talking with one of my close guy friends the other day about the stage of life I’m in with Starlite ending. He asked me how the job search was going and, as a follow-up question, asked me what my dream job would be if I could have any job on the planet, regardless of circumstances.
Without missing a beat, I answered “I’d want to be a wife and mother.”
He didn’t say anything for a minute and neither did I, mainly just ’cause I was thinking about my answer. And then, almost as an afterthought, I stated the obvious.
“How ironic that the only job I want is the one I can’t apply for.”
– — –
I used to feel bad about writing about how I want to be married and have kids so often on my blog, but I’ve recently decided that I’m not going to feel bad about it. It is what I want and I think it is okay to have that desire as long as it doesn’t become an idol in my life, something that I’ll admit is a struggle at times. Someone once told me that I write too much about being single on my blog which feels a little something like telling a mother that she writes too much about her husband and children on her blog. I write about what I know and, right now, singleness is what I know.
I think that some people think I don’t like being single and that really isn’t the case. I recognize the benefits that have come along with being single. I have time for ministry that I wouldn’t if I were married. I have the freedom to drive all over the southern US to stay connected with my friends. I could pack-up today and move wherever I wanted without having to uproot my family.
They’re plenty of good things about being single. Plenty.
– — –
I’ve caught myself trying to convince myself lately that being single indefinitely won’t be that bad. I’ve told myself that it will allow me to do a lot of things that I couldn’t do otherwise, especially in light of the fact that my life is about to dramatically change as I get closer to the day when I’m done with Starlite. I try to psyche myself up, reminding myself that God could send me anywhere since I’ll have no ties left anywhere.
Maybe He’ll move me near a beach and I’ll write in my journal beside the waves each night!
Maybe He’ll send me overseas to somewhere that will let me pick up an accent far more sophisticated that my current southern drawl!
Maybe He’ll keep me in this little town where I know the quickest way to get to the river!
And that’s exactly how I talk to myself, making sure there’s an exclamation point after every maybe. I try to convince myself that it won’t be a bad transition, that they’ll be something good about the next place He sends me. I tell myself that it’ll be a new adventure, that it’ll be a fresh start.
I try to convince myself that it won’t be so bad to still be alone.
– — –
Maybe one day there will be a husband coming home from work, calling my name as he walks through the front door. Maybe one day they’ll be children in the playroom, wanting me to help them finish a puzzle. Maybe one day they’ll be another voice in my house other than my own. Maybe one day I won’t be alone.
The word “maybe” didn’t used to be in front of those sentences. It used to be a solid fact in my mind that those things would come for me, even if I didn’t precisely know when they would happen. But there’s a new resignation in me that feels it’s necessary to slip the word maybe before those thoughts, almost to convince myself that it’ll be okay if those things never happen, that it’ll be okay if I remain alone.
The maybe is a defense mechanism for me, an attempt to quell my ever growing fear that it’s going to be like this for a very long time to come. It’s an attempt to make myself quit wanting those things just in case I never get them. It’s what I tell myself when I wake up alone, eat dinner alone and go to bed alone: “This will be okay. Being alone isn’t bad. You’ll eventually enjoy being alone.”
It’s a lie.
But it’s one I’ve been slowly convincing myself to believe.
– — –
As I was driving home from seeing the triplets earlier this week, a song came on the radio that I hadn’t heard in awhile. The chorus is short, with one line being the main focal point of the song:
“And I’m gonna love you like nobody loves you.”
And I thought about how that song is so appropriate for God to sing to me because it’s true. Right now, in a heartbreaking type of way that I’d rather not have experienced if I had of had the choice to make the decision, He loves me like nobody loves me.
He loves me like nobody loves me.
– — –
I told you I’d tell you the most significant thing He’s ever said to me was and now’s the right moment, now that you’ve seen just how important the theme of family is to me.
On my 21st birthday, as I was taking a walk by myself, He said words to me that I’ve known since a child and yet never considered in the context of my relationship with Him.
“I love you. You love Me. And, Amy Beth, we’re a happy family.”
– — –
In the middle of all my maybes born out of fear, I’m trying to remember what You said to me.
“God sets the lonely in families.” Psalm 68:6a
I know You know what You’re doing. I know Your plan is better than mine. You’re saying “not right now” and I’ll say “thank You” right back to You because You want the best for me.
You love me.
You even like me.
You want to give me good things. You don’t want to harm me. You won’t leave me alone.
But until You bring them, I need You. I need You to be my family.
I love You. And I know that You love me. And I’d like to be Your family.
Your dream job and mine are the same. I struggle with this issue a lot. Especially when I hit 30 last year. Part of me felt like a little girl, stamping her feet, and asking (whining to) God, when is it my turn.
Instead of maybe I often use the world If. I hate it. I don’t want a maybe or an if. I want my dream job. So, so very much.
I need to remember He loves me, He want’s what is best for me. He knows what is best for me.
I am so glad HE is your family. He is more than enough.
Saying a prayer for you, and for me, tonight.
((hug))
Oh, Amy Beth. You’ve taken many of the words right out of my mouth.
Just this morning I was talking to my best friend who is married and I said…I can’t even think about not being married. I have to claim that I will be…one day. Maybe now isn’t the time, and that’s fine…but I can’t imagine never being married. Never having someone reach their arms towards me and say “mommy.”
I just finished writing on notecards those last few sentences. Tonight I am praying that I will remember His love. Remember He is all knowing. Remember He is my family. Remember He is enough.
Blessings and prayers to you, my friend.
I feel almost guilty reading this tonight.
I have an amazing husband. I sometimes feel like I have 3/4 of a perfect life.
We have no children. Some days, that is almost more than I can handle.
But not long ago, my husband asked me about having “enough.” How bad he feels when I complain about our family not being complete, how he wants to be “enough” for me.
And I realized I had to put God in that place of being “enough.”
I still pray for children. All the time. I still cry when I see red-headed kids on tv. I still have mixed reactions when friends get pregnant and have a very hard time at baby showers.
But every day, I have to put God in the hole in my heart, and let Him fill it. And He does.
This is my first time commenting on your blog, but I’ve been following you “under the radar” for a few weeks now. Your story touched me because I remember very distinctly a time when I was in the shoes you’re in now. I’d like to share my experience with you if you don’t mind~ I don’t know if it will help at all, but I’m the type of person who really benefits from getting all types of perspectives, and hopefully you are too
When I was in high school, I dated a guy for three years. He was my end-all soulmate. Everyone KNEW we would be married, have three lovely children, perhaps we’d even get into ministry together (we’d even taken a mission trip to Haiti together). When he and I broke up, my entire family felt as though someone in our family had died. The bond had been so thick that it just didn’t seem as though anyone else would fill that void. I knew in my heart of hearts that trying to date anyone for at least a year would be a rebound. So I made a commitment to God and myself that I wouldn’t date for an entire year.
During that year, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many guys tried to tempt me away from that commitment! It was nearly maddening…until the year was up. And then, nothing. Not a single offer…not a single cup of coffee…not a single wink or hey how you doin. It was as if I’d instantly lost my mojo the second I was back “on the market.” I started thinking the same way you are…why on earth can’t I find “the one?” Except for me, I’d believed I’d already had him and let him go.
To make a really long story short, God answered my prayer, but it wasn’t anything like I’d expected. I was raised in the church, with very strong opinions of God and how much He belonged in my life. The man God chose for me had never set foot in church a day of his life until he met me. We’ve been married for 7 years now, and as I look back on all we’ve been through, I can honestly say that the journey is still far from over. My husband has warmed to God and actually attending church, but our relationship is nothing like I ever envisioned my future marriage to be. Without sounding discouraging, I’d just like to say, be careful what you ask for. Our thoughts are not His thoughts, nor are our ways His ways. Continue to be grateful for what God is doing in your life, and don’t spend too much time dreaming about what it “might” be like. You just might sell yourself short on what God’s got in store!!!
Love, love, love,
Leslie
praying for you, sweet friend that the Lord will be ever present and near as you walk through this time of singleness. as someone who was single through her twenties and just recently married (hello, thirties!), i do understand it when the things we count on as certain become maybe.
I’ll be 28 this year, and I am precisely in your shoes. As I read, I wanted to stand up and holler, “That’s me!!” Just want you to know that you’re not alone – there are a lot of us out here, trusting Jesus to be our family while we wait on His perfect plan.
Just like Bethany and Lindsey above, my dear Amy Beth, you are not alone in feeling like this. I am with you on all of this too.
I also do the whole “maybe” thing. For exactly the same reasons – total defence mechanism. Makes it easier when people ask silly questions. Makes it easier to be alone, I think? I think I am doing pretty well convincing myself of it too.
I love that you write about this stuff. You say the things I think about all the time, so please don’t stop because people think you write about being single too much. Us single girls appreciate it more than you know xox
So…like many of the comments above state, I understand these feelings.
I get the “maybes” and I am embracing this single time in my life, but I can’t wait for the day that I’m not single.
Thank you for being willing to put these feelings in writing….God is using it in ways you can’t even imagine.
Amen, sister.
do you read my journals and eavesdrop on my prayers?
sweet girl, these are the VERY things i think and desire and stew over and cry about when no one else is around. i feel guilty for the twinge of pain i always feel at baby dedications, showers, and even the weddings of my closest friends. you have, of course, articulated it so much better than i ever could. i know this doesn’t lessen the fear any for either of us, but i want you to know how thankful i am for your candidness. it lets me know that it’s okay to feel this way, and gives me a big shot of hope for the both of us.
I Love this. This is my favorite thing you’ve written…because it’s about the story God’s writing for you. In fact, the story He wants to write for all of us. He loves us so much that His love story for us is the best one, no matter what.
Amy Beth-
First-you are so precious, to so many and I know that our God takes great delight in you. Secondly, after many years, God brought me my man….he is everything I wanted in a husband. I know, like I know my name that He has a perfect someone in store for you. I think you have the most wonderful heart, and I will join so many in singing praises when He brings you your soulmate. In fact, I will be happy to embroider your “new” initials on all your towels and bedding! I wonder what this new chapter in your life will bring……He never grows weary, and He has plans for you…of this He has promised. Blessings to you!
Wow! I popped over to check on you and was not expecting this. It is easy to forget that I have been RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. I just want to remind you I was 26 when my man declared his intentions. I can SO remember wondering if I would ever be in this place.
Wait upon the Lord so that when your future is clear you will know without a shadow of a doubt to Whom to give the glory and honor and praise.
Hold on sweet girl.
I am right there with all of you. And I get so frustrated sometimes when people, meaning well, patronizingly say, “your day will come.” But, I know that God does want to be our go-to, regardless of whether our maybes ever turn into finallys (and oh, how I pray that they do). It’s funny, because even before reading your blog today, I was planning on writing on a similar topic. Great minds think alike? Maybe great hearts feel alike.
I haven’t read through the comments, but something in this post reverberated with me. And then I read a book (which title is so off from who I am that it wouldn’t make sense), but there’s a quote (which I’ll be writing a post on later this week about), that is too good NOT to share with you. This also comes from me, who is 30 and NOT married, and see how much this time in my life is about God than it ever could have been at 24:
And I suspect it’s perfectly okay to be lonely. It won’t kill you. It wont’ cripple you or give you scabies or make you unlovable. You aren’t broken if you’re lonely. There is no to-do list, no action item, no great sport or activity you can throw youself into that will fill you.
Sometimes you are just lonely.
Lonely isn’t a bad word, it just feels like something we shouldn’t be, something that we must instead seek to remedy this very minute if not sooner, as if it were easy to fix, like a broken radiator or a sinus headache.
AB, we don’t have to fix it, but we do get to experience it… b/c its exactly what God has for us right now.
This is again, beautiful writing. Beautiful thoughts.
I can’t help though, from being peeved at the person who told you that you write about being single too much! Rude. What, should you make stuff up? And you’re exactly right – would you tell a mom she has too many experiences with her children?
I too have switched to ‘IF’. At my age (closing in on 39) it seems silly to say, “When I get married…” as if that might actually happen. How childish. I say if.
What is so disheartening is… society sets us up to expect all this… they give us baby dolls to play with, set up play houses and the whole nine yards…. then when we’re adults and single – they tell us not to wish for it. how much sense does that make?
Hi Amy Beth,
First of all, you have such a gift with words. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. The way you can convey your heart is truly a gift!
I just wanted to encourage you … keep dreaming of the dream job.
I am 28 years old and after many, many years of crying out to the Lord for a husband and family, I am finally getting married in 13 days. And I have been given a true gift, seeing as God waited until now (and not giving me a husband when I was 21, like I had “planned”) to bless me with a husband. I have been given a gift in that I have experienced some amazing things as a single woman, including lots of ministry. I have been able to live overseas and fly about the world without a single attachment. And while I am thrilled to now have my ministry to be my (almost) husband and (prayerfully) future children, I know that they are a gift. I am ever so much more grateful for Josh now than I would have been 10 years ago. I am ever so aware that to be able to have children will be a total and complete gift from the Lord. And all of the lessons in my life leading up to this point – I’m eternally grateful that God gave me the life that I’ve had.
Don’t waste today, and the gift of where He has you, (I know you’re not … but just a refresher) … and keep dreaming of that dream job. Keep believing in your heart that God has a wonderful man out there for you.
That day is coming Amy Beth. It is. I know it’s probably harder to keep hoping for it, believing it’s coming…He won’t disappoint…eagerly anticipate what He has in store. I can feel it in my bones…He’s gonna SO out-do even your most outlandish dreams
You speak the truth! Seems to me, that we can all relate to what you are saying – no matter what season of life we are in.
I am married. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom and stay home with my kids. I always thought I would have at least one child before I was 30 (I got married at 23 so that was doable, right? NOPE). I had my daughter at 35 – after TWELVE years of marriage. That was certainly not the way I had it planned in my mind. And my daughter was born with cerebral palsy – she is beautiful and a joy & I know that she has been created EXACTLY the way that God intended her to be, but it isn’t the way that I had it planned.
And now, I long with all my heart, to be home taking care of my little girl. You see, I have been the provider for my family for a number of years while my husband was in school & now looking for a job. At times, the desire to be home is so overwhelming that I feel like it will crush me. At times, I have talked about how I will never get to be home – that is my attempt to turn off the desire in my heart so I won’t get hurt if it doesn’t happen. I cannot even use the word maybe as you do – it can be too painful.
I too have to remind myself that God has plans for me that are far better than I can ever imagine. His ways are ALWAYS right. He is good and loving and wise. He wants me to be the provider right now. And I have to honor Him exactly where He has me – for as long as He has me here. I think we should trade in our words: maybe, if, never – they need to be replaced with “Lord willing”.
Well. I check your site often and I’m so glad I found this post. You have such a sweet, sweet spirit, Amy Beth. I cannot help but believe that God WILL give you the desires of your heart. And I can’t wait to read those posts!
Sweet girl, I also pray that God will give you the desires of your heart just as I pray He will give me mine. I remember praying that I would not be the single older woman when they honored Miss Lora, who was in her 80′s, still teaching Sunday School, and still a miss. I’ll be 50 in less than 1 1/2 years. I am not married. I have no children. At least some of my maybes are gone. I pray you will have a husband and babies to love and be loved by, but I also thank you for the reminder that I am part of a family. He will provide. Nearly 30 years older than you, and I still have to rely on that. And, He will restore the years the locusts have eaten. And, most of your locusts and mine are much the same. I so hope you won’t find my comment a downer. Just know that God provides. And, know that you are so far ahead of the curve in becoming the self you need to be. I wish I had done the work you are obviously doing when I was your age. I believe there’s a good chance that God is using this season of life to prepare you to be the wife and mother you would be and always to be His girl. God bless.
Hey Amy Beth, I’m so sorry you’re hurting over this, but I hope you know how much we all love you, too.
I remember I had all these “plans”, that I would get married before 25 (I wanted to get married early) and have all my kids before I was 30 (because I didn’t want to be an “old” mom like mine). I tried really hard to find a guy. But it didn’t work out the way I’d planned. I got married at 25 1/2 and had my son at 27. I’ll be 30 this year and so far no other babies are showing themselves. It’s especially hard when my best friend got married at 22 and now has 4 kids (that I wanted) at 28. But I also see the differences in our lives and for all it’s worth I don’t think I’d want to trade places with her.
I also remember being in grad school imagining no future mate. And then a year later being married. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes the future can look long and lonely, but we never know what might be just around the corner or week or month. Don’t imagine that you will be alone 5 years down the road. Take each day as He brings it and I’ll keep praying for you!