Well, Sandi, I think we shall behold a better choice of undergarments the next time around.
With Katie’s wedding so soon, I knew I had to make a decision on what to do with The Little Black Bridesmaid Dress hanging in my closet. If you’ll remember, I made it a goal to lose enough weight to fit in the dress. While I have made (some) progress in losing weight, it hasn’t been enough to fit into a juniors dress.
That’s right. The dress is from the juniors line of clothing.
Looking back, it was a bit of a ridiculous goal so, to be honest, I’m not too upset about not meeting it. I was able to get it to fit in some areas, but there were a couple of other areas where it just wasn’t working. I’m trying to think of how to mention what those areas were without offending anyone, especially since I (GASP!) wrote about a lingerie shower just a couple of days ago. Let’s just say that, even after using a couple of Ace bandages to try to bind up a certain area of female anatomy, it still wasn’t exactly being supported by the dress in the way it would need to be in order for me to be willing to walk down an aisle in front of a couple hundred people.
And now we pause to bid a fond farewell to the readers who just left le bloggy because, whilst they managed to make it through the lingerie shower post, they just can’t accept the Ace bandage-usage story.
Anyway, the dress and I showed up at a local alterations place a few weeks ago to see if there was any way to somehow make the dress work with my body, a feat that I deemed about as likely as trying to put Shamu in a tutu for a ballet recital. The sweet lady who runs the shop, however, assured me that we could make it work and asked me to slip the dress on.
Forgive her, Father, for she knew not what she asked.
I would give anything to have a picture of the look on her face when I came out of the dressing room but, since I wasn’t exactly able to wield the camera as my hands were too busy trying to jerk adjust the dress, her words will have to suffice: “Well………. are you sure there wasn’t a bigger dress at the store?”
No, ma’am, there wasn’t a bigger size at any of the 13 Dillard’s department stores I checked in nearby states nor was there one available for purchase on eBay nor did the Easter Bunny leave a plus-size version of the dress in my Easter basket as I humbly requested when I sat upon his knee at the mall last month.
You know it’s serious when you’d rather have a bridesmaid dress than a chocolate bunny, ya’ll.
She asked me to climb onto the pedestal where they do all the measuring and, with great reluctance, I followed her instructions. Her phone rang suddenly and, after telling me that it was a call from another country that she couldn’t ignore, she began a conversation in Russian that lasted for the next 17 minutes.
Whilst I stood on the pedestal in a dress that might have fit me 14 years ago. Key word: might.
Also: I feel like you might think I’m exaggerating about the phone call lasting 17 minutes but I am here to tell you that I was VERY AWARE OF EACH PASSING MINUTE TICKING BY ON THE CLOCK ABOVE THE PEDESTAL AS I WATCHED IT WITH DAGGERS FORMING IN MY EYES.
But, really, I was totally chill as I waited. Like, totally.
As I stood there (trying to hold things both together and in, I might add), the sweet melodic sounds of Sandi Patty’s classic song We Shall Behold Him began playing over the loudspeakers right as the woman finished up her long-distance phone call. Around this time, an elderly woman entered the store and took a seat in the chair directly behind the pedestal, patiently waiting her turn at modeling whichever polyester pantsuit she needed taken in at the hemline.
I, meanwhile, noticed that the seamstress was messing around with the skirt part of my dress and, in one of those moments where you see the train coming at you but can’t stop it in time, realized that the seamstress was getting ready to lift up the skirt of the dress, totally unaware that someone had entered the shop whilst she was on her phone call AND DID I MENTION THAT SHE WAS SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND ME AT A LOWERED ANGLE?
All I have to say is that sweet older woman sure did behold something that morning, but I don’t think it was what our friend Sandi Patty had in mind.
Posted: May 28th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 18
Comments
Comment from Amanda at Cosmos
Time: May 28, 2009, 11:23 am
Hilarious. I have trouble with the — ahem — ace-bandage area, too. Most of the time, the dress has to be about three sizes bigger for it to fit properly there and be altered down to fit the rest of me. And, um, juniors? Yeah, those rarely fit me even when I WAS a junior! *sigh. I enjoy being a girl…
Comment from Jenn
Time: May 28, 2009, 11:49 am
Wow. Histerical. Exactly the kind of thing I would do. 
Comment from courtney
Time: May 28, 2009, 11:58 am
The last time i recall buying something from the juniors section i was 10. I cant wait to see pics from the wedding though!
Comment from Michelle
Time: May 28, 2009, 12:22 pm
Oh Amy Beth! I can totally relate to this post. I was a bridesmaid at one of my best friend’s weddings in Australia. I arrived there just a few days before the wedding, and let’s just say the dressmaker was not my friend. I am sure she did her best, but wearing a light yellow bag was not really the way I wanted the experience to play out. It was raw silk and let’s just say that raw silk is made only for the skinny who do not need a bit of give here and there.
I would say you should look at the pics on my facebook but I am pretty sure I have deleted and untagged every picture of me in this monstrosity.
I still have it, I feel too bad to throw it away, but it is rather wine-stained and crumpled up in a ball in my bottom drawer.
I am completely jealous that Katie is so cool as to choose black! You are lucky my friend, very lucky:)
Comment from Leslie Lauren
Time: May 28, 2009, 12:37 pm
Oh dear.
I’m sad to say that I can relate to this story. Although I’ve gotten a lot better at just buying bigger sizes instead of continuing to do what I have been doing (which is stuffing myself into the tinier stuff I own which just pushes extra stuff around and creates unsightly bulges), my boss has yet to get the hint. I was just reminiscing on how we have seen more of her figure this past year than we’d like to admit. She refuses to buy any size bigger than a 10 (and unfortunately might be around a size 14), so with the help of masking tape and safety pins, she makes it work. Except when the safety pins pop open and she must call on the help of her underlings to re-pin. Eeeek…..
I feel your pain, baybeh. <3
Comment from Abby
Time: May 28, 2009, 1:49 pm
Ha ha! I am laughing so hard I can hardly type. THAT, my dear, was priceless. Can we know the brand and necessary size to see about helping you search for something?
Comment from amykay
Time: May 28, 2009, 2:04 pm
ohhhhhh noooo! that’s definitely 17 minutes of your life you’ll never get back. is it worth it since it resulted in a funny blog?? and i have always lived under the assumption that the juniors department is designed for stick people. literally.
Comment from chris
Time: May 28, 2009, 2:25 pm
I literally just lol’d.
Comment from cmhl
Time: May 28, 2009, 2:38 pm
Girl, order that kymora body shaper from online or get it from ebay. top and bottom. seriously. As being a (ahem) plus-sized girl myself, I can fit in clothes two sizes smaller. seriously.
Comment from Kelli
Time: May 28, 2009, 3:02 pm
Maybe she didn’t have her glasses on?
Comment from Happy Geek
Time: May 28, 2009, 4:03 pm
Oh girl, this is funneee.
Well, she got to see you in all of your glory.
Comment from AmandaM
Time: May 29, 2009, 12:22 am
AB, you can’t leave us hanging out ~ we want to know how the story ends…is the seamstress able to make it work?
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Time: May 29, 2009, 9:44 am
[...] me! In all my haste to tell you about the trip to the alterations place, I forgot to tell you what we actually ended up doing with the dress. It turns out that my [...]
Comment from christina
Time: May 29, 2009, 5:49 pm
hilarious!
Comment from taryn in ny
Time: May 29, 2009, 5:51 pm
LOL! You’re tooo cute!
XO
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Time: May 30, 2009, 9:23 am
[...] hello? Did you read my blog on Thursday? And, um, Friday, [...]
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Comment from Rachel
Time: May 28, 2009, 11:10 am
You crack me up!
I SOOO get your Ace bandage problem. Sometimes I have to resort to Ace bandages (or an supportive undergarment similar to Ace bandages) even in a dress that is the correct size. *sigh*