When I went to pick out Mother’s Day cards last Saturday, I picked up a pretty card for a mother-in-law and almost put it with the others in my hand. Even though I don’t know my future mother-in-law yet, I can’t help but already want to tell her how I’ve loved her before I knew her.

I’ve regretted putting the card back on the shelf ever since that moment so I went back today and got one. I plan to write to her tonight, seal the card and continue to wait until I can give it to her one day down the road, hopefully the day of my wedding to her son.

After we left from feeding the fish during our Mother’s Day adventure, I spotted a new store, The Lollipop Shop. I immediately turned my car into their parking lot which elicited a very happy yelp from the passenger in the backseat.

The first thing inside the store is a giant wall of every type of Jelly Bean you can imagine. I told MacKenzie that she could select one thing in the store, and while the brightly colored candy was tempting, she ultimately chose to resist.

As we wandered through the store, MacKenzie spotted a toy cell phone that contained candy on the inside and made actual beeping noises when you pressed the keys. She decided she wanted it so she could call me whenever she wanted.

But then, as we started to make our way to the register, she spotted a candy ice cream cone with pink candy ice cream. And thus, The Great Candy Deliberations of ’09 began. Would it be the cell phone? Or the ice cream? The cell phone, definitely. No, wait, the ice cream cone.

And then, suddenly, we had a winner — and a demonstration from wee one of what I supposedly look like when I’m talking on my cell phone to my “boyfriend” (MacKenzie thinks I have a boyfriend I’m not telling her about since I won’t marry her dad). You can’t really see it in this picture, but she’s definitely got her hand on her hip, head thrown to the side.

This post is really just for Imaginary Boyfriend, so he can see what I look like when I’m talking to him on my candy cell phone each night. We just talk for hours, y’all.

And sometimes he even texts me sweet nothings, too, but don’t tell him I told you.

Dear MacKenzie,

Mother’s Day began at 12:01 a.m. yesterday. I was lying in my bed when it began, just thinking about you lying in your bed a hundred miles away. I finally fell asleep after deciding that there was nothing I could do to make the day’s pain any less for you. I decided not to even acknowledge the day, for fear I’d somehow make it worse. There may be almost 20 years between us, but we’ve both learned the same hard lesson: there are some roles no substitute will ever be able to fill.

When I woke up a few hours later, you were the first thing on my mind. I thought about how, in just a couple of hours, your dad would come and wake you up and get you dressed and feed you breakfast and do all the other things he alone is responsible for in your life each and every day. I picked up the cell phone lying beside my pillow and, without even getting out of bed, called your dad and asked him my five favorite words:

“Could I have her today?”

I picked you up a few hours later, strapping you into your booster seat and telling you what a pretty dress you had on. And then, with no real defined plan for our day, I set out to figure out how a girl who has never had a daughter of her own should spend Mother’s Day with a girl who can’t remember what her mama looks like.

I took you to the playground and pushed down the seesaw, holding it down with one hand while I snapped a photo of you with the other. I don’t know what made me take that picture. Maybe it was just instinct.

I took you to feed the fish and, when you laid down and reached your arms into the cold water to “feed” the fish, I grabbed hold of your ankles to make sure you didn’t fall in. Maybe it was just instinct.

When we passed by the camping tent on display, I let you drag me into it and, upon your demand, laid down on my back and proceeded to pretend like I was asleep. And then, when you weren’t expecting it, I took a picture of you sitting on top of my knees, your hands pulled up to your face in surprise. Maybe it was just instinct.

You asked me to let you take pictures of me with my camera and I hesitated at first, worried you might drop it on the ground. But then I realized that I want you to know what it’s like to look through a camera lens and see some moment you want to capture forever. Maybe it was just instinct.

I drove you to the widow’s home, teaching you on the way what the word “widow” means. When we got there I pulled a bucket of flowers out and explained that they were for you to give to the women who may not have seen a little girl in a very long time. Maybe it was just instinct.

I watched you select flowers one at a time and knock on doors, a new braveness in you I haven’t seen before. Maybe it was just instinct.

I watched you carry the flowers around, stopping if even one petal fell off, trying in vain to reattach it to the flower it belonged to. Maybe it was just instinct.

When we came to a room where the resident was gone, you insisted that we leave extra flowers at that door, telling me that “she deserves fwowers, too.” Maybe it was just instinct.

When we finished, I watched as you took the last of the flowers — the ones you could have kept for yourself — and chose to leave them on the piano in the lobby instead. Maybe it was just instinct.

As we left, I watched you carry your empty bucket back to the car, everything spilt out for women who called you their angel baby when you walked into their rooms holding pink roses and lilies. Maybe it was just instinct.

When we were driving home, I thought you had fallen asleep until I heard your voice from the backseat –

“Can I pretend to call your cell phone?”

I told you that I’d love to receive a call from you and you pulled out the toy cell phone I bought you at the candy store earlier and “dialed” my number. When I heard you make a little ringing noise, I picked up my phone and began our conversation –

“Is this MacKenze? Oh my! I have SO been hoping you’d call me today! Did you have a good Sunday?”

You told me about feeding fish and playing on the seesaw and taking flowers to the widows. And then, in your little girl voice, you about broke my heart –

“And my mama bought me a pretend cell phone!”

Neither one of us said anything in that moment, you not wanting to acknowledge you had just accidentally called me your mama and me not wanting to acknowledge the tears streaming down my cheeks. And then I said the only thing I knew to say to you on a day meant to acknowledge something you don’t even have –

“She must love you very, very much.”

Maybe it was just instinct.

Love,

amy beth

What’s that, bloggy friends?  You want to know what I did on Mother’s Day?

Why, I’d be happy to oblige.

I woke up before the crack of dawn, attempted to make my hair somewhat presentable, took seven phone calls before the sun rose, loaded gifts and flowers and cards into my car, said hello to my extremely attractive neighbor, stopped by my office to pick up something, drove 1.5 hours, saw Grandmother # 1, helped a man who collapsed beside me in a parking lot, went to brunch with Grandmother # 2 and her boyfriend, went to my mother’s house and spent time with her and her boyfriend*, picked up wee little MacKenzie, drove 45 minutes, took her to Bass Pro Shop to feed the fish, took her to the Lollipop Store, took her to a bookstore, bought a mid-afternoon snack for wee child, went to the Widow’s Home and passed out flowers to 37 women, met up with my step-mother and Grandmother # 3 (along with their respective people) for dinner, took wee child home, bought 300-something pastries for a work event, went to a mentor’s house to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, watched a baby kangaroo be born via the Discovery Channel, decided I’m never giving birth, met a stuffed elephant that’s name is Turtle, drove 1.5 hours home and went to bed.

So, basically, just your average, boring Sunday.

I’d love to tell you more about the details, but I have a three hour meeting to go to now which translates to I-got-five-hours-of-sleep-last-night-so-maybe-I’ll-take-up-drinking-coffee.

Happy Monday, loves.  I’ll see you in a bit.

*After realizing that a significant portion of the maternal women in my family have boyfriends, I came to the conclusion that the reason I don’t have a boyfriend is probably because my family has already used up our allocation of the Boyfriend Allotment Per Family Act of 2007 which stated that only 37% of your family members are allowed to be in a dating relationship at a time in order to make sure our nation doesn’t find itself in a boyfriend recession.

It’s only eight hours since Katie left and I’ve already had my first experience of reaching for the phone to call her to go do something only to remember she’s gone.  I miss her something awful. Thus, welcome to Survey Saturday on the little bloggy courtesy of Facebook.

1. What color is your toothbrush?

White and pink.  Obvs.

2. Name one person who made you smile today?

Katie and Eric and Emily and Tiffany and Asiah and Lindsey and Jennifer and Baker-Not-Brown and Natalie and that one twin brother (I still can’t tell them apart).

3. What were you doing at 8 a.m. today?

Working before Katie’s graduation.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Just getting home = being attacked by two puppies who missed their mama.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Reese’s Cup.  It’s the only type of candy bar I like.

6. What is the last thing you said aloud?

“Mama said NO!”

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Well, I tried strawberry for the first time this week and it was good so…

8. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Oh yes, I’m in my mid-twenties on a Saturday night, just enjoying some Caffeine Free Diet Coke.  Will you please pray that I get my wild nature under control?

9. Do you like your wallet?

YES.  It is brown leather with “ABB” monogrammed in light blue thread.  I get comments on it all the time.

10. What was the last thing you ate?

I just realized I didn’t eat dinner tonight.  I’m really hungry!

11. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

No, but I did go for my second bridesmaid dress fitting.  That’ll be a post all in itself this week.

12. What was the last sporting event you watched?

Basketball w/ the ex-boyfriend.  I like to watch sports if I’m with a boy (as long as he explains what’s happening).

13.  What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Wait, there’s flavors?  I’m confused.

14. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

My friend Jenn.

15. Ever go camping?

I’ll give you one guess as to what the answer to this question would be and here’s a hint: look at the color of my blog and ask yourself “Would a girl with a hot pink polka dot blog go camping?”

16. Do you take vitamins daily?

Oops.

17. Do you go to church every Sunday?

Almost always, but a lot of times it’s on the road since I’m gone more weekends than I’m home.

18. Do you have a tan?

No, and I need to write a post about this sometime.

19. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

I’ve never had Chinese food.  Really.

20. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

Psshhh, soda? Really?  It’s called Coke — whether it’s Sprite, Dr. Pepper or just plain Coke.

21. What did your last text message say?

Um… skip.  Next question, please.

22. What are you doing tomorrow?

Going to see my mom, my stepmom and my three grandmothers (yes, I have three).  This means I’ll be in the car for awhile tomorrow which means I need to get a Mariah playlist together to keep me company.

23. Look to your left.  What do you see?

My cellular device.

24. What color is your watch?

I don’t wear a watch.  Ever.

25. What do you think of when you hear Australia?

Honestly, the first thought that came to my mind when I read this question?  “I bet Cate would like to go there if they have cute guys.”

26. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru?

Drive-thru, almost always.  But not too much anymore.

27. What is your favorite number?

Four or seven.  I like how I write them.

28. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?

My mom.

29. Any plans today?

Seeing as it’s 10:31 p.m., I’d say I don’t have too much more to do tonight.  I’m going to write a very long, very handwritten letter after I’m done with this and then it’s off to bed!

30. How many states have you lived in?

One.  Wonder if that’s about to change?

31. Biggest annoyance right now?

I keep thinking about Katie which makes me cry.  And then I get angry at myself for crying over it.

32. Last song listened to?

No Looking Back by Damita.  You’d like it.

33. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Doubtful.

34. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

HA.

35. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Flippy floppies.  I love flip flops: any type, any day, any color.

36. Are you jealous of anyone?

I have actually caught myself in the trap of jealousy a couple of times this week.  It’s a bit foreign to me, so I usually pick up on it and end it stat.

37. Is anyone jealous of you?

I have had a lot of people tell me in the past that they’re jealous of what I’ve gotten to do with Starlite but that’s just because they never dealt with the processed nacho cheese side of it.

38. Do you love anyone?

Yes and almost all of them already know it.

39. Do any of your friends have children?

Tears just came to my eyes with a twinge of jealousy to my heart, too.  See?  Honesty is the best policy.

40. What do you usually do during the day?

Shall we start a list?

41. Do you like cats?

No.  I’m sorry cat-lovers.  I’m really, really sorry.

42. How did you get your worst scar?

I had to have a major surgery on both my legs when I was a little girl, so I still have two scars on the backs of my ankles.  But they aren’t ugly to me.

43.  Are you thinking about someone right now?

STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY, SURVEY.

Dear Katie,

In exactly 53 minutes, you will zip up your graduation gown, adjust your tassel and begin walking towards the stage that holds your diploma. And, if I know you at all, your iPhone will be tucked somewhere inside the folds of that gown just so you can text throughout the ceremony.

I am so proud of you, Katie.

I’ll never forget the day I met you. V and N came to me and said “There’s this girl we know who wants to be in leadership in Starlite, but didn’t fill out an application before the deadline.” I remember replying “Well, maybe she’ll do it next semester” and walking back into my office. I was sitting at my desk, writing an email when the thought came to me — “I should meet with this girl.” I went out to where V and N were working and asked them if they could get a hold of you and ask you to come in for a meeting.

I am so proud of you, Katie.

You arrived 10 minutes later and took the seat in front of my desk. I remember asking you what area of the ministry you wanted to volunteer in only to hear you reply “Any part that doesn’t work with kids or youth.” This was, of course, unfortunate seeing as we were a ministry that served kids and youth. And yet, somehow, you ended up on the team after that one long conversation in my office.

I am so proud of you, Katie.

It’s been almost four years since that afternoon in my office and I think it’s safe to say that you ended up working with more kids and youth than you could have ever dreamed would cross your path. You’ve worked at programs, stayed up all night at events, ran the office and everything in between. You’ve taken initiative and yet served humbly, always wanting the best for whoever else is in the room.

I am so proud of you, Katie.

Your work in Starlite has been truly outrageous. You’ve been on playgrounds with elementary school girls and in cafeterias with middle school girls, all of them adoring you. And yet perhaps your most lasting, defining work has been with our group of college girls, the ones who all want to be wherever you are. You are famous to them and I suspect you always will be.

I am so proud of you, Katie.

If this wasn’t enough, I also got to be your roommate and friend outside of Starlite. A hundred memories come to mind, all at one time: that one trip to Sonic when we both should have been writing papers; the time you laid on the floor while the puppies jumped all over you; making sure you were sound asleep upstairs while Eric snuck into the house to set-up your Valentine’s Day surprise.

I am so proud of you, Katie.

In just a few minutes you’ll have a diploma in the hand that is displaying a beautiful engagement ring. We’ll take pictures of you on the green, green grass and go to lunch wherever you want, your family and friends celebrating you. And then it’ll be time to go to your house and take the sheets off your bed, pack your pillows away. We’ll load your clothes into your car and carefully lay your favorite mirror in the backseat. And then we’ll stand there beside your packed car, saying goodbye.

And I know it isn’t the last time I’ll see you, of course. In just a few weeks I’ll be there for your last wedding shower, a chance for us to celebrate you again. It’ll just be a couple of weeks after that before I’m hanging my dress in the backseat of my car and coming to stand with you as you marry the love of your life. I’ll kiss your cheek and tell you that you’re the most beautiful bride that’s ever lived because, truly, you will be, Katie.

And so I can’t figure out why I’m crying so hard while I write this, knowing that I’ll see you again after today. I suppose it’s just the thought of seeing your car packed, knowing that I won’t be able to let myself into your house whenever I want, knowing I can’t see you whenever I want. It’s bittersweet tears, because I know that, by saying hello to this new season of your life, you have to say goodbye to the season that’s coming to an end today.

I love you, Katie.

amy beth

Hi, everybody.

Two of my college girls, along with one of their friends who has served as a volunteer with us in Starlite, were in a very serious car accident a few hours ago when a car came down the wrong side of the highway and hit them head-on. From the small amount of info I know at this point, the friend is okay but both of my college girls are injured (one with an injury to her back; the other with one to her face). They’re in the ER now so will you take a minute to pray for them if you’re the praying type? They’re in ATL, and I absolutely can’t leave here today, so I’m going to stay in contact with them via cell. I’ll let you know what I hear as the day goes by.

Thank you!

Update | 4 p.m. – I’ve spoken with one of the girls and everyone’s out of the hospital and, last I heard, on their way to a nearby house to get some sleep.  It looks like they’re going to be sore for quite awhile, but it’s truly a miracle that they’re all as “okay” as they are.  Thank you for praying for them!

Let’s have a little list format for this lovely Friday, my darlings!

1. I have no idea why I didn’t put the name of the book I “found” but, after getting a good 30 requests for the name of it, here you go: Crimson Roses. It’s about a girl who is virtually on her own until a guy finds her and wants to marry her. BUT, REALLY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I LIKE THE BOOK SO MUCH.

2. Snuggles y Cuddles are laying here beside the laptop with Snuggles completely on top of Cuddles. This is unfortunate for our friend Cuddles seeing as he’s the smallest in the family. Ooops.

3. Before I go to sleep tonight, I will have worked 17 straight hours. But vacay time is coming!

4. Wee little Katie graduates from college in about 24 hours. Not going to cry, not going to cry…

5. Wee little Katie moves out of town in about 27 hours. Not going to cry, definitely going to cry…

6. I’ve been drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke this week during my crazy work hours to trick myself into believing I’m getting to drink some type of caffeinated beverage. So far, it’s worked. If you see me, please don’t tell me that I’m really not getting caffeine ’cause that would throw this whole thing off.

7. I hope you have a fabulous day.

I had to go by the post office the other day because I needed to have something with my passport checked as I will be using it a couple of times in the next few months (!!!).  As I was waiting, the man in front of me began chatting it up and he began telling me about an incredible trip he’s getting to take in a few months with, in his words, only one downside: his mother-in-law was coming along.

As we were talking, I realized that I’ve never told you one of my long-time secrets: I’ve been praying for my future in-laws (including my future sibling-in-laws, their future kids, etc.) for years. I, of course, have no idea who they are quite yet, but I just love, love, LOVE to think about them.

Like, I lay in bed at night and think about them.  No, for real.

I think about my future mother-in-law and wonder what her childhood was like and if her mother is still alive.  I secretly hope my father-in-law is a bookworm so we can have long conversations about the books I’ll read at his suggestion.  I think about potential sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws and hope that they’ll like me enough to tease me like I’m one of them.  I wonder if I already have little nieces and nephews that I haven’t met yet and think about the chocolate chip cookies I’ll make with them when they come for sleepovers at Aunt Amy Beth’s house, even if they are just break-and-bake cookies.

Of course, I have no idea what they’re really like; for all I know they could be yet another in the growing list of families split by the ugly sword of strife and the division brought on by divorce.  There could be grandparents already gone and siblings lost far too early.  The sad reality is that my daydreams of long conversations about books and warm chocolate chip cookies with tiny children could be replaced by a real-life nightmare of heartbreaking brokenness. But the way I look at it is that, either way, my prayers won’t be wasted as I lay in bed at night praying for a family that I can’t even call my own.

Yet.

To my knowledge, only one other picture of just Cate and I together exists.

Well, until now.

Oh, and I’m the one with the pigtails and a ribbon in her hair, in case you were wondering.