Daily Peek: Addiction.
Some of my former college girls came over to my house tonight. One of them, Anna, was wearing a shirt whose message made me think all night — “Where were you in 2007?”
Well, where was I back then?
I took a picture of her shirt before she left, thinking it would make a good Daily Peek if I could look back in my diary and see if I had an entry from that exact day two years ago. I had no idea if I had written on that particular day since I don’t write in my personal journal every day, but I was happy to see that I had written on this day exactly two years ago. As I read through the entry, I immediately thought “There’s no way I can post this knowing who all read my blog or look at my Daily Peek entries on Facebook.”
But then I started thinking about how, exactly two years ago, I was looking at my own computer screen when I typed the very words you’re about to read. I wonder if I would have felt differently that night if I had read truth from someone else, if I had of not been afraid to tell someone what I was feeling.
And that’s when I realized that, while there was no way I could post this knowing who all read my blog or look at my entries on Facebook, there was also no way I could not post it, either.
woke up at 4:15 a.m. this morning after having only fallen asleep for just a little bit of time.
it was raining.
it reminded me of You.
– — –
i heard Your voice early this morning, while the rain fell and the sky cried out.
You said “wait for Me.”
in my heart, i knew what You meant.
You were addressing my desire to give up, weren’t You?
“wait for Me.”
oh, Jesus.
i hope i can.
– — –
i laid here for so long this morning, wishing i could go back to sleep. it wasn’t that i didn’t want to be with You. it was just that i was tired.
and i like being asleep.
because i don’t have to think about them when i’m asleep.
– — –
are they in my dreams? sometimes.
but at least for part of the time i’m asleep, i don’t have to think about them.
i don’t have to feel alone.
i don’t have to wonder why no one wants me.
i don’t have to hurt.
sleep is so appealing to me these days.
– — –
such a strong desire to just take pills each night until i fall asleep… making sure that i will not wake up to being alone in the night.
not a good thing for me to do.
sigh.
all day today, i kept thinking one thing:
“when you get home tonight, you can take some of that medicine from when you were sick and it’ll put you right to sleep.”
and, of course, only a few minutes after getting here tonight, i headed straight for that amber-colored bottle.
and now, the calm is pouring over me.
i’ll fall asleep soon. it’s hard to keep my eyes open right now.
i like this feeling. i like knowing that i’m about to fall asleep and there’s nothing i can do to fight it.
i think this could be a bad thing, could end up being a pit that i’m choosing to jump into.
i can already feel it slipping into an addiction.
i’m probably being too honest right now, aren’t i?
oh well.
– — –
i think it’s time to go to sleep now.
The next morning I walked into a counseling office and told them I needed to speak to someone that very day. When I came home that night, I poured the medicine out. All of it. I walked away from something that I’m confident would have destroyed me. You can walk away, too.
And you can do it tonight, if you want.
You are beautiful.
I pray for all who are reading this today.
Your obedience is breathtaking.
And you are fabulous.
Beautiful. Vulnerability and authenticity is always beautiful and always worth the risk. I am so glad you made the decision you did. You are strong Amy Beth, even when you do not feel like it…because in our weakness He is strong.
Praying for the hearts who read this over the coming days.
I’m soo proud of you, Amy Beth.
I’m grateful God prompted you to post this. I needed to read it.
You are so brave and strong.
I love the way you provide hope for others.
God is strong in you, and I pray His blessings all over you for your obedience.
As someone who is extremely close to someone with addiction I give you so much credit for posting this. It’s real. It’s raw. And you can change your life… it doesn’t have to be that way and I am so happy that you made that decision in 2007.
I agree with trs- I love how you provide hope for others….
XOXOXOXO BIG hugs!
Thanks for sharing this, Amy Beth.
Wow! AmyBeth, you never fail to amaze me with your blog posts. Thank you for walking in humility and being willing to share something so intimate. I am so glad that You trusted God for His strength to get rid of that bottle. Big hugs!
What a blessing this post will be to so many. Hugs to you this night, sister!
This week, I have been more and more aware of the way that God uses the things around us to point out yucky areas in our lives…to draw us closer to Him. Reading this post this morning did just that.
Blessing and prayers, sweet friend.
There is certainly no levity in this post. But that is why I keep coming back here. You are gifted in the way you can share intimate details of your life. Sometimes they bring laughter, other times they bring compassion, but always they bring me (and I suspect others) a deeper understanding of myself, and those around me in a unique and deeply personal way that I have never experienced before.
I am proud of you for making the decision to get rid of the pills the next day, and that you possessed the foresight to see the end of the road before you arrived at addiction.
May god continue to bless you for being willing to share these moments in your life. I will certainly pray for those who are suffering from addiction in my own life because of this post.
Beautiful, AB. Thank you for being brave.
I went through something similar when i was having nightmares that I am fully convinced were demonic attacks. I would take OTC pills so I’d sleep heavily and have “dreamless” sleep. Even though I had prayed over the situation, I was still placing the relief of my fear in those pills. I wasn’t trusting God to handle the situation. It was very hypocritical and self-serving on my part. I thought I still needed to have some element of control in the situation, which only caused more destruction (to, I’m sure, the enemy’s delight). So thank you for sharing this. Even good Christian girls have their struggles.
Amy Beth, you’ve got guts. Thanks for posting this. My dad used to be a TERRIBLE alcoholic. I’ve see the devestating effects addiction can cause in a life. He stopped drinking 24 years ago, and my family is STILL paying. You are wise beyond your years, girlfriend, and if I lived anywhere near you I’d be taking you to lunch tomorrow.
-Melanie
That is POWERFUL Amy Beth.
good post-so true, so powerful
You know, I often felt the same way in 2007. Definitely not a year that I would ever want to relive.