And once you go with big hair, may the good Lord help you then, too, ’cause you’ll never go back.
You might have noticed a lovely little chocolate cake displayed in yesterday’s post.
I would like for you to know that, yes, I did bake that beast all by myself and when I say “all by myself” what I mean, of course, is that I cracked a couple of eggs into a box of cake mix and turned on a mixer.
Exactly 3.7 seconds after taking this incredibly blurry picture for you, I went to pull the beaters out of the beater-holder-thingy and accidentally turned it on. Which, naturally, resulted in chocolate cake batter covering the following surfaces: my counter, the wall, the ceiling, the floor and, perhaps most devastatingly, my hair.
I only had about an hour before everyone showed up, so I had to do some quick math: should I continue cooking seeing as I hadn’t even started the chicken yet or get in the shower and wash the chocolate out of my hair?
I chose my hair. Obviously.
Now, before you call Martha Stewart and inform her of my abandonment of hosting duties, I think you need to know the back story: as of Sunday night, British Boy and I had known each other for seven days (and I don’t think I need to mention that they had been the best seven days of my life, do I?). On each occasion of our seeing each other (five separate times, but really, it’s not like I was keeping track), he saw me WITH MY HAIR IN A PONYTAIL.
Y’all. I KNOW. It’s like I just totally abandoned the quest for big hair last week and, hello, what awful timing given the fact I was potentially stepping into my marital destiny. So I was all FORGET THE CHICKEN, GO FOR THE VELCRO ROLLERS because, really, the only secret weapon I’ve got when it comes to boys is my big hair and southern drawl.
But lest you think those two things by themselves aren’t enough to draw the boys in, I would like to direct you to the words of my pal Kenny Chesney:
“Southern girls are God’s gift to the entire male population. There is absolutely no woman finer than one raised below the Mason-Dixon line and once you go southern, may the good Lord help you — you never go back.”
That Kenny is one smart boy, no?
So I jumped in the shower and washed my hair in record time using Amplify shampoo because I DON’T PLAY AROUND WHEN IT COMES TO BIG HAIR. I got out of the shower, towel dried it and started putting it up on velcro rollers –
(Side note: PLEASE tell me y’all know how to fix your hair on velcro rollers because, if you do not, I am going to have to do a post about it because let me just tell you they will CHANGE YOUR LIFE.)
– and then took my blow dryer to the whole thing, conveniently ignoring the fact that there was still no chicken in the oven, potatoes laying on the counter, etc. Sure, dinner might be late, but that’s a small price to pay when it comes to achieving maximum hair height.
But then, approximately seven minutes into the blow drying process, I realized that I might be making a grave mistake. Here I was devoting the last few minutes before everyone arrived to my hair instead of their meal. I was torn and so I decided to make a pros and cons list to help make the decision easier. In the end, I realized that the only people benefiting from me working on my hair would be British Boy and I, yet if I continued to neglect dinner preparations, everyone would suffer.
And so… I laid the hair dryer down.
Sure, it wasn’t easy. Sure, I wanted to pick it back up and finish the blow drying process. Sure, I felt silly with wet hair wrapped in oversized pink velcro rollers atop my head.
But you know what? I was willing to take one for the team in order to ensure everyone got the mashed potatoes I had promised because I am not one to deny people their mashed potatoes even in the name of good hair.
And so I breaded that chicken and I mashed those potatoes and I did it all knowing that I was sacrificing big hair because anyone who has ever used velcro rollers knows that, if you interrupt the drying process, you might as well just give up because you are never going to be able to regain that precious pocket of time when the hot air from your blow dryer causes something magical to happen with the velcro and, before you know it, YOU’VE GOT BIG HAIR, GIRLS.
It took a bit longer to bread the chicken and mash the potatoes than I expected. I suddenly looked at the clock and realized I only had three minutes until they were expected to arrive (remember, at this point, I didn’t know they were going to be late). I ran to the bathroom, jerked the rollers out and found myself with a head full of wet, damp hair. As I reached for my ponytail holder, I felt the sting of defeat in the deepest places of my soul. I took a deep breath, looked in the mirror at my head full of wet, ponytail-ed hair and made it a promise I intend to keep: next time, my sweet head of hair, we shall conquer that boy’s heart.
We’re only one velcro roller away, I just know it.
Check out Kelly’s Korner for more dessert recipes (that are WAY better than my store-bought cake)!
Posted: September 16th, 2009 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 20
Comments
Comment from Alison
Time: September 16, 2009, 8:50 am
How DO you use velcro rollers? I have never tried this and I have lived in the south my whole life!
Comment from tiffany zajas
Time: September 16, 2009, 9:43 am
You’re such a good storyteller. 
I am drawn into each and every post you write.
And I think you may just need to post about velcro rollers. Do they work on long hair? And, I would like to know your favorite hair products.
1, 2, 3, go!
Comment from laura
Time: September 16, 2009, 10:05 am
Yes, yes, yes we need a post about the velcro rollers! I don’t even know what they ARE…
Comment from trs
Time: September 16, 2009, 10:35 am
ah… the critical moment(s) – I’ve had to explain this to Mr. Burns.
He’ll call me right when I’m in the stage where that slightly damp hair MUST be blown out with a round brush… for if it’s not… it’s a whole different hairdo.
Hon, my hair is wet, I gotta go!
Comment from JulieBelle
Time: September 16, 2009, 10:39 am
Please do a post about hair rollers! I’ve never used them, I wouldn’t even know how to begin! Also, please include lots of pictures, because this is exactly the sort of thing I’m likely to screw up… the more visual aids provided, the better!
Comment from Melissa
Time: September 16, 2009, 10:55 am
I love your blog! I have a smile so frequently after reading. I wish I knew you IRL!
Comment from Molly
Time: September 16, 2009, 11:27 am
Great story, Amy Beth! I’ve experimented with Velcro Rollers before, but I’ve never had any success. My hair always ends up falling flat within two minutes. Please help me!!
Comment from C-Jo
Time: September 16, 2009, 11:33 am
I’m northern-born, but a southern-belle-at-heart who has been south of the Mason-Dixon line for nearly 7 months now. Please please please tell me how to make my hair big!
Comment from Melody
Time: September 16, 2009, 12:42 pm
I don’t know anything about rollers either…help?
Comment from Janelle
Time: September 16, 2009, 3:02 pm
Amy Beth, I don’t know how to say this without causing you distress. But honesty is the best policy, so I’ll just come out with it.
I don’t know anything about velcro rollers. Not a clue. The last rolling product I used were those sponge curlers. I was nine; it was Easter.
But it gets worse. I have lived the last decade under the impression that Big Hair was something to be avoided at all cost, not a value to strive for. Oh, help, please. I live on the west coast, and I have always gone for Flat Hair, Smooth Hair, and Sleek Hair. Now you’re all telling me that I’ve been going about this backwards.
Amy Beth, is my hair the reason I’m still single?
I think I need an intervention. Can you help?
Comment from Emmy
Time: September 16, 2009, 6:04 pm
Amy you are hysterical! I am laughing SO hard!
I have never velcro rolled my hair… I am in NEED of learning! Maybe that is my problem… You have to blog and show me how! : )
Loved your comment to me about wearing a red bow tie uniform… I had to show Lizzy to let her know her uniforms aren’t that bad! : )
I am SO behind on reading blogs… I’ll have to catch up so I can know the whole story about the boy! Can’t wait!
Have a blessed day! Emmy : )
I
Comment from nancy kennedy
Time: September 16, 2009, 6:08 pm
Amy Beth,
You make me smile.
I totally don’t get the big hair thing, not being Southern and all, but I’m enjoying it nonetheless.
That said, I have big short hair, like a spikey helmet, only not all harsh and scary IMO anyway. Does that count as big Southern hair?
Comment from Victoria
Time: September 16, 2009, 10:19 pm
I’m from South Carolina and I’m a Southern girl born, bred, and raised. However, I never got the lesson on big hair and velcro rollers. Please teach me sensei!
Comment from Samantha
Time: September 16, 2009, 10:35 pm
Yes, you need to do a tutorial on velcro rollers. I’m from New York and I’ll be totally honest with you, my friend. I have no idea what they even are!
Comment from amykay
Time: September 17, 2009, 2:06 am
I have velcro rollers but now I feel like I am using them all wrong! clearly you need to shepherd your flock on this one
Comment from Amanda
Time: September 17, 2009, 2:58 am
I am shamed to say that I have NO IDEA how to use velcro rollers!! Given how pathetically thin and fine my hair is (and therefore definitely in need of more volume) this is especially sad. PLEASE enlighten me. It’s a hair emergency over here!
Pingback from Ministry So Fabulous! » Atonement in the form of pink velcro rollers.
Time: September 17, 2009, 8:55 am
[...] will remember that, yesterday morning, I admitted to you that on every occasion of my seeing British Boy, my hair has been in a ponytail. [...]
Comment from Danielle
Time: September 17, 2009, 11:57 am
Listen…ponytailed hair was the key to my hubby’s heart! They appreciate us ‘a la natural’! They really do! I’d be frustrated too, though! You need your shining moment…to show your hair’s full potential! Good luck and go get ‘em!
Comment from Heather
Time: September 25, 2009, 9:53 am
Oh…hmm…I guess I should try velcro rollers out!
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Comment from Amanda
Time: September 16, 2009, 8:49 am
In my family, we call it the “critical moment” when it’s do or die with our hair. It’s understood that nothing can be asked of a person when she’s in her critical moment. It must be respected for the love of big hair.