PEOPLE.

Tell me how — HOW — do you not know about the wonder that is velcro rollers? HOW, MY LITTLE DUCKLINGS, HOW?

Not only did I experience great sadness when reading through your comments on yesterday’s post, but I also felt a great deal of guilt because, this entire time we’ve known each other, I somehow have not helped you in your quest towards the velcro. I have neglected my big haired responsibility towards you and, for that, I offer my sincerest apologies.

In an effort to make amends, I rose before the sun today to fix my very own head of hair in none other than velcro rollers so that I could properly document their correct usage for you. Now, before all you anti-big hair girls leave this little post, I want you to listen closely to a horror story that happened to me JUST YESTERDAY.

You will remember that, yesterday morning, I admitted to you that on every occasion of my seeing British Boy, my hair has been in a ponytail. After confessing that sin, I vowed before a great cloud of blog witnesses that I would lay down the ponytail holder so that, the next time we spent time together, I would have properly fixed big hair that would lure him in.

And then the unthinkable happened.

How was I supposed to know that, when I went to meet Nicholas for lunch yesterday, he was bringing British Boy along? THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN, GOSLING, THAT WAS NOT IN THE PLAN.

I was already on my way to meet Gosling when I heard that British Boy was coming, so there was no hope for my ponytail-ed hair. It was a long walk to the campus Dining Hall, one filled with great remorse over my ponytail shame. But do you know what? I NEEDED THAT WALK OF SHAME. I needed a reminder that, when I wake up each morning to the decision of whether or not I want to actually fix my hair that day, the answer should always be FIX IT BECAUSE YOU MIGHT UNEXPECTEDLY SEE BRITISH BOY TODAY.

I hope you recognize how hard it is for me to share stories like the one above with all of you. If you have ever doubted my love for each and every one of you, let the above story reassure you that I love you enough to lay my very hair reputation on the line so that you don’t have to make the same mistakes I have when it comes to fixing (or, in my case, not fixing) my hair. My chances with British Boy are probably slim to none after the repeated ponytail debacle, but let me tell you something: IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE SAME FOR YOU. You have the opportunity to learn from my mistakes so that you don’t reap the bitter consequences that I’m currently experiencing as I lay in bed each night wondering why I sacrificed true love with British Boy just because I didn’t feel like fixing my hair for a few days.

And now, let the repentance begin in the form of a photo tutorial.

When you begin your quest towards big hair produced by velcro rollers, you will undoubtedly face many challenges along the way. Maybe you don’t already own velcro rollers and you’ll have to actually drive to Wal-Mart to buy some? Maybe you had the misfortune of marrying a man who doesn’t want his woman to have big hair? (Side note for you single girls: this should be a question you ask all potential marriage partners within the first three weeks of dating to ensure you’re not becoming unequally yoked with someone who doesn’t properly appreciate big hair.) And, worst of all, maybe your town doesn’t sell pink velcro rollers?

Well, girls, my challenge is a bit different. And weighs 5.3 lbs.

Cuddles wants to be with me wherever I am — quite literally. And so, each morning when I go to get into the shower, he jumps in and places himself in the corner. This requires me to command him to get out of the shower, something he promptly ignores. I then have to pick him up and place him on the bathroom floor which, nine times out of ten, is a step I repeat at least three more times as he continues to jump back into the bathtub. Sometimes, if I’m in a hurry, I just turn on the water and let the full stream hit him forcing him to scamper on out of the bathtub. He does not like this but, hello, I cannot be distracted in my quest towards big hair.

The first step in achieving maximum hair height is found in your shampoo and conditioner. I am partial to Amplify, mainly because one time I heard Beth Moore say that’s what she uses and, listen, there’s no need to reinvent the wheel. It’s a bit pricy compared to shampoo from the dollar store, but I’m willing to sacrifice other items in my budget such as clothing and food if it means I can have the correct shampoo.

After you’re done in the shower, your natural reaction is to wrap your hair in a towel, isn’t it? WELL, DON’T. I need you to find an old t-shirt, such as the pink one below, and designate it as your hair-wrapping towel from this point further. The cotton in it is way softer than whatever fibers are in towels and, trust me on this girls, your hair will thank you.

I leave my hair wrapped up in a t-shirt for a good three minutes. And then, I take it down, flip my head upside down, and take a picture of my towel-dried hair to post on a blog that is read by hundreds of people I don’t actually know.

It just hit me how weird blogging really is.

Now, get your velcro rollers (preferably pink ones, but whatever you have will suffice) together and make sure you have little silver clipp-y thingies with them (they’re sold right beside the velcro rollers AND YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM).

You will notice that my supply of large velcro rollers is rather low at the moment; this is because I made the mistake of leaving them in the vicinity of Snuggles y Cuddles the other day. Seven of them were destroyed in a matter of moments, and no, I don’t want to talk about the pain I felt when I discovered them hidden underneath my bed.

Now you need to take your comb (not a brush because surely you know better than to brush wet hair), and pull up a small, thin section. If you hear nothing else in this entire post, hear this: DO NOT OVERWHELM THE VELCRO ROLLERS. The less hair you put on them, the better the outcome. Put your comb at the base of your head and pull a section of hair up.

Place your first velcro roller at the base of your head and pull it up along the hair you’re still holding in the air. When you reach the top, tuck about one inch around the roller and begin rolling it down towards the crown of your head. When you reach your scalp, secure the roller with two clippies.

And then, repeat until you run out of hair or velcro rollers. In my case, I run out of velcro rollers because I have one VERY thick head of hair.

But that’s okay because I actually like to just do a crown of velcro rollers and then use my flat iron and curling iron to fix the “underneath layer.” BUT WAIT, I AM GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.

Now that your hair (or most of it at least) is up on velcro rollers, you will proceed to the drying process. Find a comfortable position and begin blow drying. I’m actually doing that very thing as I type these words to you, but listen, it’s just because I finally learned how to let my shoulder aid me in holding the blow dryer so I could write blog posts as I get ready in the morning. See?

You will need to try your hair for a good length of time, however long it takes for your hair to actually be completely dry. Once it is dry, you can move about your house doing various items WHILST LEAVING THE VELCRO ROLLERS IN. Remember, girls, it’s the heat that “sets” the rollers and you have GOT to let the heat do its thing. I usually do my make-up at this point, get dressed, etc. I wait as long as I can to take out the rollers, but when I do, it is a magical moment.

Which I am going to show you tomorrow because this post is way too long as it is. Plus, I don’t want to overwhelm you. It’s a lot of information to take in at once, girls, but we will be the better for it once we fully embrace the gift of velcro. Plus, we’ll never have to wonder if the reason we might have lost our chances with a boy of the British variety happened because of our hair laziness.

But not that any of us have experienced something that devastating.