As fate would have it, I had actually gone to see my mother for the first time in months the day I was to receive the invitation to her lingerie shower. We hadn’t seen each other or talked in a long time, and while I knew she was engaged, I didn’t know any of the wedding details yet. As she’s telling me about her plans, she casually mentions that I should have received an email that day inviting me to her lingerie shower. I told her I hadn’t and then excused myself to the bathroom so I could hyperventilate in private.

Whilst in the bathroom stall, I checked my email on my phone only to discover that this wasn’t some awful joke: there, in my inbox, was the invitation bearing those classic opening lines about purchasing something to “knock him off his feet.” Of course, seeing this caused me to breathe a sigh of relief because I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to say “welcome to the family, stepdad” for weeks now and I can’t think of anything more appropriate than LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT MOM! IT’S GONNA KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET!!!

After spending some quality time on my knees in the bathroom stall asking God what it exactly was that I did in life to deserve the trial He has seen fit to place in front of me, I quietly headed back out into the store where I joined my mother in JCPenney’s jewelry department which led to us walking through the women’s clothing department which, AND SURELY YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING, led to us ending up in the lingerie department which is where I spent the next hour of my life waiting outside the dressing room whilst my mother came out to get my opinion on various honeymoon options because black or red, now which do you think would be best for this little nightie, Amy Beth?

For what it’s worth, I picked the black one.

And then went back to the showroom to find the matching robe for it because, and stop me if I’ve mentioned this already but, THAT’S MY MOTHER IN THAT DRESSING ROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

She loved the robe and bought it which means that all I need to do now is sneak into her closet, grab the robe and take it to a local store and get some classic words of wisdom embroidered on it:

“Modesty is the best policy, mom.”