I got a call a few minutes ago from someone who told me they have two tickets to an event for me — “and a date.”

There was about a one second pause before I began laughing hysterically.  I mean, I just could not stop laughing. For me “and a date.”  Seriously, it’s cracking me up even now.

I pulled myself together and explained to the person that I was laughing because they had insinuated that I’d have a date ready and waiting, but how kind it was for them to think I would have one, etc, etc.

“Actually, I said Cate.  You and Cate.”

Oh.  Well, then.

I’m happy to report that last night’s adventure at Disney on Ice was quite the success but, before I tell you about it, first things first. We haven’t even really talked about the beach trip yet!

We had a lovely time at the beach this past weekend! As you already know by now, not only did I get to take my MacKenzie but my baby cousin Aviean got to come along as well! Aviean (and her dad, my cousin Israel) were a last minute addition, so I had to work fast to get everything ready for our newly designed group of four.

I wanted to make the trip as special as possible for the girls and, as you already know, I’m a gift giver. I decided that having a little gift for each girl to open before bed each night would add a bit of sparkle to the trip.

After I wrapped those gifts up (four for each girl), I also put together a basket full of things for the car trip for each girl. There was something for each hour of the trip, ranging from coloring books to stickers to miniature chalk boards!

Here’s my car right before the girls got in — can I just tell you that there is nothing — NOTHING! — like getting to have two pink car seats in my car? I was so excited I could hardly wait for the girls to climb in and see their baskets for the first time!

Once I had both girls with me (Aviean lives with her mother and they happen to live in my town; I had picked MacKenzie up from her town the night before), we headed to a nearby town to get Aviean’s dad!

Israel is my only male cousin and, while we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, how to pack the car is not one of them. When we got to his house, Israel unloaded the entire contents of my car and began methodically repacking them. I will admit he did a better job of packing it than I had, though. Are boys just born with car-packing skills?

As he was putting everything back into the car, I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw what was still on the driveway. Here we have a picture of two of my sets of hair rollers (listen, I have a lot of hair!) and one pair of wellies. Has there ever been a better picture to describe me?

Soon enough we had the car packed and were ready to head toward the beach! Would you just LOOK at the expression on the girls’ faces? I wanted to just sit down in the driveway and start crying because I was so excited to be able to take both of them to the beach for the first time in their lives!

When we arrived many, many hours later, we were shocked to see the house where we’d be staying (more on this in a minute). I mean, seriously — look at this place!

After getting settled in, we headed for the beach with two very excited little girls in tow.

I had my camera ready to capture their first few seconds of seeing the ocean. Avi was a bit more excited about the sand than the actual water!

My MacKenzie, however, takes after her Amy Beth when it comes to loving water. It hasn’t always been this way; it was just a couple of summers ago that I had to drag her into a pool so I could teach her to swim — she was terrified of water. To have her let go of my hand and take off running for the ocean was one of the best feelings in the world.

I took a ton of pictures of the girls that afternoon and, when I was going through them later that night, I started laughing when I saw this accidental shot of me. How funny that the one picture of me from the trip happens to be of my hair? Maybe ironic. More likely, fate.

We spent our long weekend playing baby dolls, going to eat at the girls’ favorite restaurants and spending as much time at the beach as possible. Snuggles y Cuddles joined us for the trip and, quite frankly, I think they probably wished they had been left at home after spending several days being treated like real-live baby dolls by a couple of little girls.

The trip was really special for me because I have been wanting to take MacKenzie to the beach for a long time now. A little over a month ago, Gosling was at my house while I was searching for hotels online. He happened to ask me what I was doing and, several days later, called to tell me not to worry about finding a hotel — he had called some people he knows and asked if I could use their house during my Fall Break weekend. When he told me what he had arranged, I was so floored that I started crying.

I doubt I’ll ever be able to thank him (and the people who loaned us the house!) for their generosity. He happened to be at my house the day I told MacKenzie about the trip and I think he might have gotten a bit of an idea of how big of a deal it was when she asked me what the ocean actually was (seriously, she had never seen a picture or anything). But just in case he didn’t understand how grateful I was, I decided to write him a little message while I was there.

Gosling, in case that picture above is too blurry for you to read, try reading this one instead:

After all, they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Tonight, fastening the car seat strap around Avi before we headed to my house for a slumber party –

“Avi, we’ve got to get home because the puppies are alone and sad!”

Avi, without missing a beat –

“What if they’re just alone but not sad?”

– — –

I’m trying to learn it, even if it might not always look like it to you, I really am trying.

It’s starting to work, too.

I met up with Gosling to have lunch in the campus Dining Hall a few minutes ago and, upon seeing him, said the following:

“Gosling, I am about to say the truest words I have ever spoken to you.”

But then all the sudden I realized he smelled good so I started talking about that, namely telling him that he smelled like vanilla, but not just any kind of vanilla, male vanilla and no, I don’t think male vanilla actually exists and, to be frank, I don’t even really care for the smell of vanilla but what I was trying to say is that he smelled like men’s cologne and, hello, I have never smelled a men’s cologne that didn’t smell good and, in fact, I once was on a retreat with my college girls when I found this really good smelling men’s cologne in a store and I sprayed my friend Ashley with it when she wasn’t expecting it because I knew she and I were sharing a hotel bed that night but she kinda got a wee bit mad, maybe because I sprayed it four times on her but let me just tell you, our hotel bed smelled really good that night and, in retrospect, I bet she’s glad I sprayed her with it, right, Ashley? You’re glad? I knew you’d appreciate it one day down the road.

But that wasn’t what the whole “truest words I have ever spoken to you” thing was about.

Here were those words: “Gosling, you look more like Ryan Gosling from The Notebook than ever before. Did you dress like him on purpose today?”

He said no and began to mumble something about only having seen The Notebook once, maybe twice in his entire life which we all know is probably code for “I like to sit in my apartment and watch it each and every night so that I can fully embrace my status as Gosling.”

So after we ate lunch, I whipped out my cell and took a picture of him so that you, the internet, can be the final judge.

I rest my case.

(Also, does anyone else think that Gosling needs to grow out his hair again so I can cut it?)

(Of course, you can’t actually give your thoughts on this seeing as the comments are closed.)

(So, I’ll just assume that you think I should become his regular hairstylist.)

(Thank you for your belief in my haircutting abilities.)

(I promise to make you proud, one snip at a time.)

Internet, would you like to see a picture that will make your heart actually hurt because it is just so gosh darn adorable?

Why, I’d be happy to oblige.

That, my cupcakes, is my baby cousin Aviean whom you’ve seen a bit of here and there and everywhere. Now, you know how crazy I am about all my friends having babies for me to love, right? Let me just tell you something: when I finally got a baby girl to love who shares my very own bloodline, well, I didn’t think my heart could hardly take it.

Aviean just turned four last week but, through a series of circumstances, I’ve only known her for the last year and a half or so of her life.  You better believe that, ever since that darling girl arrived in my life, I’ve been making up for lost time.  As a matter of fact, I’m taking my little princess to see Disney on Ice this very night!

(I would like to know just how am I supposed to concentrate on work and class today knowing what’s on my agenda for tonight?)

(Also: I just want to clarify that I’m only going to Disney on Ice for Aviean’s sake.)

(It’s not like I myself adore it or anything ridiculous like that.)

You can imagine how excited I was when it worked out — at the last minute, no less! — for Avi and her daddy (my cousin Israel) to come with us to the beach this past weekend.  Getting to take MacKenzie and Avi with me?  Absolutely too much for this heart of mine.

It was Israel’s first time getting to go on vacation with Avi so, naturally, I felt like it had to be documented via hundreds of photographs.  I may not know a lot of things in life, but I do know this: one day Avi will get to see that, before she could even really make memories, her daddy showed her the ocean.

That’s it, that is absolutely it.  I cannot look at even one more photo of her or my heart very well may burst.

Plus, I need to go look in my closet to see what I’m going to wear tonight.  Pink, you think?

Oh, I kid.  As if there was ever another clothing color option other than pink.

I was on the back row at Bible Study tonight (listen, when you’re the youngest girl in the room, it just seems appropriate to sit on the back row, you know?) paying attention and all when Beth started talking about how sometimes there’s someone in our life who we desperately want approval from — maybe a parent, spouse, friend.  As she began talking about it, I had a reaction that comes only from knowing you’re listening to something that you desperately need to hear.  Oh, you know the reaction I’m talking about — feeling the blood drain from your face, involuntary narrowing of your eyes, suddenly feeling as though you’re the only person in the room.

She began telling the story of Leah and Rachel, which I’m going to tell you before relating this back to some Lady Gaga lyrics.

Because?  Bible verses and Lady Gaga lyrics together?

Well, I like to think this post contains a little something for everybody.

– — –

So here you’ve got Jacob with two wives: Leah, the one he didn’t love and Rachel, the one he did love.  If that wasn’t bad enough, pregnancy hormones were about to kick in:

“When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.  Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son.  She named him Reuben, for she said ‘It is because the Lord has seen my misery.  Surely my husband will love me now.’” (Genesis 29:31, 32 NIV)

It didn’t work.  So, round two began.

“She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said ‘Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, He gave me this one, too.’  So she named him Simeon.” (Genesis 29:33 NIV)

When baby number two failed to secure Jacob’s love for her, our girl Leah decided that the third time’s the charm.

“Again, she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said ‘Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.’  So he was named Levi.” (Genesis 29:34 NIV)

Basically, what we’ve got is a girl looking for love (I can relate).  She does something to try to secure that love but it doesn’t work so, by goodness, she goes at it again (still relating, in case you were wondering).  With no success, she decides to give up on trying to win his love and, at the very least, attempt to get him to feel attachment to her (alert: the relating is now out of control).

That’s an awful lot of contractions and birthing pains to go through.

But then again, sometimes we’ll put ourselves through just about any kind of pain to get love, now won’t we?

– — –

Maybe it’s your spouse whose love you’d so like to have or maybe it’s your father’s love that is missing from your life.  I have no idea who your person is, whom you would most like to feel loved by tonight.

I may not know who your person is, but you better believe I know good and well who that person is in my life.  It’s been the same person for awhile now, same person I would have done just about anything to win even attachment from since love has seemed unattainable for quite awhile now.  You take what you can get, after all.

A few months ago I was driving towards my house when a song came on the radio that I had never heard before.  It’s called Paparazzi and it’s by Lady Gaga, someone whose music (and eyeshadow choices) isn’t my typical style.  The song is obviously about paparazzi, but it was one line in the chorus that got my attention –

“I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me.”

– — –

That’s what we do sometimes, or at least that’s what I used to do with that person in my life.  I’d follow the person whose love I so desperately wanted — well, I’d follow them through anything. I’d do whatever it took to get them to love me.  I’d sacrifice everything.

And when I didn’t get their love, I’d start working on at least getting their attachment.  Something’s better than nothing, don’t they say?

Actually, anything’s better than nothing.  So, I kept following.

I was gonna follow him until he loved me.

– — –

It’s been a few months since I decided to stop following.  I can’t explain why it all came together for me that night, why God used a song by Lady Gaga to drive His point into my heart but all I know to tell you is that — whatever happened as I drove home that dark night — well, it worked.  It was as if a light bulb suddenly went off, as if I finally realized what I’ve been doing all along.  I took a step back and thought about all the following I had been doing, all the years spent going through pain hoping that, much like Leah, I could find something inside of me to give him that would make him find me worthy of being loved.

I never did find whatever it was he needed to be able to love me.  But I found something even better.

“The Lord your God is with you… He will quiet you with His love…” (Zephaniah 3:17a,c NIV)

– — –

I never knew how much I’d enjoy being quietened or how good it would feel to be able to finally stop following, especially when I found out that I was being followed the whole time myself.

But I do know one thing.

I’m awfully glad He didn’t stop following me until I loved Him.

I should be telling you about my beach trip, and I will. But first, other things.

– — –

Last night I got to talk to Trey (as in Cracker Barrel waiter Trey) for quite awhile. He began telling me about how he’s put together an outfit for Halloween and then proceeded to show me a picture of him in it (oh yes, he’s already had a dress rehearsal in front of his bathroom mirror). Trey’s planned outfit?

He’s dressing up as Davy Crockett.

I’m going to spare you by not posting the photo, but allow me to paint a mental image for you: he’s wearing a boy’s flannel shirt (open, of course, because it’s too small to close); a pair of boots; a coonskin hat that is actually real and, as the cherry on top, a pair of boy-sized long johns.

Perhaps now you understand why I’m not posting the photo for you.

– — –

So, yesterday. What a day.

I have this problem saying I’ve had a bad day. Gosling was at my house last night and, seeing that I was maybe acting a bit unlike my normal self, he asked me if I had had a bad day. I sat down across from him at the kitchen table and began to explain my theory about why it is impossible for me to have a bad day. Orphans have bad days. Hungry children have bad days. People with terminal illnesses have bad days. So, therefore, I cannot possibly have a bad day.

For the record, Gosling just looked at me, kind of shook his head and went back to eating his scrambled eggs.

(In other Gosling news, he decided last night that maybe he should begin blogging. I immediately began helping him with this task, mainly by suggesting the title of “Gee Golly Gosling” for his new blog.)

(He didn’t seem to like it.)

(Isn’t that so weird?)

– — –

Lastly, here is one that I’d like to file under “My life cannot possibly get any weirder.” I received an invitation to a lingerie shower a few days ago. That’s not too weird in itself, of course, given the fact that I’ve attended a good 10, maybe 15 of them in the last couple years alone.

This one, however, is a bit different. Allow me to share the opening line:

“It can be frilly, it can be sweet… or it can be sexy, to knock him off his feet!”

The best part?

The lingerie shower is being held for my mother.

On my way home from Memphis a couple of weekends ago, Nicholas and I met up near Atlanta and went to run some errands together on that Sunday evening. We finished up at a store and, as he drove us through downtown Atlanta after the sky had gone black, I began thinking about the last relationship I was in, mainly because my first trip through downtown Atlanta at night happened during that relationship. It was almost exactly a year ago that I was sitting in a passenger seat as we wove seamlessly throughout the lanes, one of his hands holding the steering wheel, the other holding my hand. I have trouble retaining certain memories, but that one isn’t one of them; I remember that night perfectly.

It was cold outside. We were quietly talking, comfortable in silence, too. I felt safe.

– — –

Tonight I won’t miss holding someone’s hand, and I won’t miss having someone to go to the grocery store with. I won’t miss dates and I won’t miss embraces. I’ll be a good single girl tonight, one that doesn’t complain and doesn’t wish and doesn’t miss.

But if I was going to miss something tonight — if I was going to give in and let myself do that — I would choose the way my phone used to ring at night. I’d miss having someone on the other line that wanted to know what I did that day, that actually wanted to listen to stories from my day. I’d miss hearing someone say they love me; I’d miss someone showing it with the time spent connected only by two cell phones.

That’s what I’d miss, if I wasn’t being the good single girl tonight.

– — –

It seems ridiculous, doesn’t it?  It was just a few nights ago that I was telling you that I’m learning to appreciate my singleness and then?  This post?  Almost the opposite, don’t you think?

I don’t know how that works; I don’t know how it is that our minds and hearts are somehow able to multi-task like that, to wish for two things at once.  Everything I wrote the other night is still true: I am still thankful for these moments of singleness.  I am; I promise you.

And yet in the same breath, I could promise you that I would love to have someone to talk to tonight, to tell about my day.  And really, if you want to know the truth, it’s more than just that.  Today was a long, trying day.  If this day was happening a year ago tonight, I would have someone to tell it to — him.  He would listen, he would respond, he would help me reason through a couple of decisions I need to make.

He would be the voice on the other line.

– — –

And so this is how it works out; this is what the mysterious “being alone with God” actually looks like.  This is the example; tonight is the night.  There will be no phone ringing; no sound coming from it at all.  Instead of laying in bed quietly speaking into a cell phone, I will lay in bed and quietly speak into a dark bedroom.  This is the type of night I will look back on one day down the road and say, perhaps with surprise in my voice –

You really were there, weren’t You?

I did not make even one tiny edit to this photo…

… because I want you to see exactly what my eyes got to see this weekend as I peered through the lens of my camera.

(If you think you liked this photo, you just wait for the rest.)

When leaving your house for a long weekend, don’t turn off your thermostat thing-y unless you want to return to a house offering a cool 60 degree temperature.

(I am underneath three blankets (green, brown, blue) as I write this.)

(Note: it is a wee bit hard to type when you have blanket in your face.)

(I press on for you, however.)