My mother’s lingerie shower is taking place this Thursday and, after weighing my options, I’ve decided to attend the shower based on the following reasons:

Actually, now that I think about it, I can’t come up with even one reason as to why I’m attending.

But since I am attending, we (and, oh yes, I’m most certainly bringing each and every last one of you along with me for the ride because you cannot expect me to experience this on my own, now can you?) can no longer ignore the elephant in the room: I need a gift.

Typically this wouldn’t be an issue for me as I have had plenty of experience in shopping for lingerie shower gifts given the fact that Starlite had hundreds of college-aged volunteers over the years who have invited me to their lingerie showers (and weddings and baby showers and baby dedications, but that’s another story for another time).

I’ve got the art of lingerie-shopping down to a science by now — I walk in a store, see something perfect for whichever girl I’m shopping for that day and wrap it up in black paper with a hot pink bow. I would have contended with anyone for the title of Best Lingerie Shopper but then the church ladies sent me that invitation which, frankly, I believe was their own version of throwing down the ultimate shopping gauntlet: lingerie for my mother.

I set out last Thursday evening when I got off from work because I knew that I needed ample time to find just the right gift. I began in my small town where I went to each and every store that carries lingerie only to walk out empty handed. I then drove to Chattanooga, our nearest big city, and began going through their stores. I’ll have you know that I went to every darn department store in that mall, left no corner of Victoria’s Secret untouched and even went to Target in a desperate attempt to find something, anything. I mean, I saw a lot of pretty things but this is my mother we’re talking about here.

Forget the babydoll negligees; could someone please direct me to the flannel pajamas?