Last Friday, a mere week ago, I decided to brave the Black Friday crowds due to this:

Trey, bless his darling little heart, didn’t get to go home for Thanksgiving this year because of his work schedule. I was already in bed when I called to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and, as we talked, he asked if I might want to hit the sales with him the next morning.

I initially said no, mainly because he wanted to head towards the stores at 3 a.m. and it takes a lot to get me out of bed at 3 a.m. But then my critical thinking skills kicked in and it occurred to me that, perhaps if I went to enough stores, I might find a door buster deal on a boyfriend for the holidays.

I mean, of course I’d be happy to keep a boyfriend for longer than the holidays but, hello, our nation is in a recession right now and everyone knows that the demand for boyfriends is quite higher than the available supply. Who am I to be stingy when it comes to true love?

So I told Trey that I’d love to go and we immediately began coming up with a game plan that involved us being on the road by 3:04 a.m. Trey takes his Black Friday shopping extremely serious and by “extremely serious” what I’m trying to say is that, as we pulled in the first parking lot, he actually said “When we get in we need to move fast, like we are leopards or cheetahs.” AND HE WAS NOT JOKING.

So we’re sitting in the car outside of Kohl’s waiting for the doors to open because if you thought I was going to stand out in the cold for a half hour just to beat the crowd, well, you are badly mistaken. We finally got out of the car a few minutes before the doors opened and took our place in line behind roughly 150 people, including a small group of women directly in front of us.

We’re standing there watching as the manager opens one door so people could go into the store in a single file line when the women in front of us — GROWN WOMEN, MIGHT I ADD — take off running towards the door in an attempt to cut off the 150 people in line ahead of them. The crowd gasps, but no one moves to stop them because, really, who wants to be in danger of losing their life in a Kohl’s parking lot at 3:59 a.m.?

I’m standing there watching them run and, suddenly, I become furious because they’re cutting off all these people who stood in line in the cold and it’s just not fair to those shivering people and, before I know what I’m doing, I point my finger at them and yell “SHAME ON YOU!” as loud as I could.

Y’all. Y’ALL. I do not know what came over me.

But, luckily for you, there happens to be video footage of Trey not only telling you that story but also another little story about how I may have thrown an elbow in order to get the last $3.00 coffee maker at Target and all I have to say about that is BET YOU’LL MOVE FASTER NEXT YEAR, LADY BEHIND ME WHO LEFT EMPTY HANDED.

Things we must note about the video you just viewed:

1. My laughter is out of control whilst Trey is telling the “Shame on you!” story.

2. Trey’s hair looks good even at 7 a.m., unbelievable, right?

3. “No one else is going to stand up for their Black Friday rights.” “Is that like the Bill of Rights?”

4. “Oh, that’s totally a joke. That’s what wolves do in the wild.”

5. “I’m usually not vicious like this. Well… there were only two left and there were three women. I’m just sayin’.”

6. I’m not sure exactly what caused me to compare Black Friday shopping with vocational ministry but, listen, both are like being an animal in the wild.

7. You’re welcome for the Elf quotes at the end.