In exactly a week and one day, I will be donning a bridesmaid dress so that I can stand with one of my college girls, Dalphina, as she gets married. This, of course, provides us with the following two problems:

1. Since when did any of my college girls get old enough to marry? I mean, seriously — not only is Dalphina engaged but there’s two more of them that are currently sporting diamonds on their left ring finger! If I don’t start running a tighter ship around here, before you know it they’ll all be wanting to get married and the only way I’m going to give permission for that to happen is if they all agree to allow me to be the flower girl in their weddings.

and

2. I have to wear a bridesmaid dress that, oh how shall we say this, DOESN’T FIT THAT WELL.

I knew we were going to have problems when I went to the boutique to be fitted for the dress several months ago. I found myself in an extremely small fitting room with a woman who was attempting to place a tape measure in places where it really doesn’t belong. When she finished measuring, she told me what size of dress she wanted to order for me and I, ever so sweetly, told her that I would prefer one size larger because it would be lovely to be able to actually breathe while wearing said dress.

If that reason alone wasn’t enough, I think we all know that it’s much easier to take a dress that’s too big and make it smaller than trying to, oh I don’t know, take a juniors dress and fit it to a plus-sized girl whilst she causes an elderly woman to be filled with fright at what her eyes have just beheld?

But it’s not like that’s ever happened to be before or anything.

My dress arrived recently, so Dalphina brought it over to my house the other night. She and another one of my college girls, Honour, wanted me to try it on for them and, because I believe in facing battles without fear, decided that there’s really no time like the present to face the fact that the bridesmaid dress you’re expected to wear in a matter of days might not actually, you know, fit since the woman ordered the size smaller than the one you requested.

The dress is rather big (in circumference, not size) so it took both of them to help me pull it over my head and down around me. As Honour began to zip it up, Dalphina noticed it was bunching up a bit in the back and started saying how something was wrong with the dress. I looked over my shoulder, did a quick assessment of the situation and assured Dalphina that it was my ba-donk-a-donk, not the dress, that was the problem.

Luckily for me, I have a solution in the works:

Join me in prayer that it will be able to get my, um, asset into that dress.

And stat.