I don’t think I’ve ever told you this before, but Thursday nights are my favorite part of the week.  It’s actually kind of funny how that came to be… back when I was doing Starlite, we did our elementary school programs on Mondays, our high school programs on Tuesdays and our middle school programs on Thursdays.  By the time I left the office each Thursday evening, I was exhausted but at the same time relieved.  Even though we would spend Friday prepping for the next week, at least we had successfully finished another week of programs.  Thursday evenings quickly became my finish line for the week and, even though Starlite is gone, my love for Thursday evenings hasn’t left.

And I get to spend this one with you.

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When I was in grad school, I took a class where we spent time learning about what happens to people when they come out of vocational ministry.  I remember listening intently because I knew that, at some point, it was likely that I wouldn’t be in ministry as a career and I wanted to know what to expect.  The professor went through a list of emotions and feelings that someone would go through and I remember writing it down, line after line.

It’s been so interesting over these last few months to watch myself go through the different stages, almost knowing what is to come next.  I haven’t said too much about Starlite over the last few months because, quite honestly, the stage I was in was relief that I no longer had that amount of stress on myself and I didn’t want to be judged for it.  Around 90% of the people who read this blog never interacted with me through Starlite, so it’s hard to describe how much joy and yet weight it was for me because you never saw it.  I don’t regret doing Starlite for even a minute, but I never expected to feel as relieved as I have these last few months.  And, naturally, I’ve struggled with guilt for feeling that way.

Over these past few months, I haven’t felt grief over the ending of Starlite and that’s bothered me.  I kept waiting for it to hit me and, when it never did, I just assumed that maybe that wasn’t a stage I was going to go through.  And then, a couple of weeks ago, it began to hit.  I think I’m just seeing the beginning of it and, to be blunt, I expect to feel it much more deeply over the coming months.  I’m actually relieved that those feelings are coming — the opportunity to “mourn” it in a way — because I think that’s a healthy part of moving on, even if it probably won’t feel very good as I go through the emotions.

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One of the things that many people told me to expect when I left vocational ministry was that I might feel differently about my relationship with God, which is perhaps the understatement of the year.  I am in a really strange place when it comes to my relationship with Him and various aspects of the Christian life.  I think that part of that is due to the changes with Starlite ending, but I also think that some of it is coming with just being at the age I am right now.  Have you ever seen a picture of an astronaut floating around in space while tethered a shuttle?  I feel like that astronaut, but whatever cord has me tethered seems awfully long and loose some days.

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I wrote that last line quite a bit ago; I’ve just been laying here in bed, thinking about how important the relationship is between a girl and her God.  I’ve gone through so many different seasons of life with God and I find it fascinating that I’ve never needed Him more than I do now; the need never begins to diminish, but only grows as I get older.

Sleep well, loves.