Let me just begin by saying that I don’t think you’re going to be happy to hear this, BUT I CAN EXPLAIN.

I went back to work today.

Granted, I wasn’t actually supposed to go back until next week.  Like, Tuesday of next week.  Okay, maybe Tuesday of next week.  I have an appointment next Tuesday when I was supposed to be told whether or not I was ready to go back to work then.  What I’m trying to say is that, if any of you go to the same doctor as me, I’m going to need you not to mention this little thing of me going back to work early.

In my defense, I’m not contagious at the moment (well, unless I’m kissing someone or letting them drink after me, etc.).  I didn’t plan to go back today, but I woke up at 4:32 a.m. screaming from a nightmare that was, undoubtedly, from the steroids.  And let me just tell you about it.

I’ve never mentioned this on the blog before because I’m afraid you’ll think I’m, well, crazy, but one of the biggest fears I struggle with is something happening to Snuggles y Cuddles.  I think this partly comes from the fact that I didn’t really have pets growing up and so this is my first time loving an animal, much less two of them.

The other side of this isn’t so cute.  If you’ll remember, I got the first puppy before going back to get the second puppy a couple of weeks later. During those two weeks, this punk teenage kid sent an email to me at the Starlite office telling me that they were going to break into the office, take my puppy and kill it.  He described how he was going to kill it and, to this day, I can still remember reading that email in my office and feeling the blood drain from my face.  (Don’t worry; he was dealt with swiftly.)

Somehow that experience took root in me and produced a fear that my puppies are going to die.  Now, I know they are going to die someday, but I struggle with worrying that they’re going to run into the street, develop a tumor, become lost, etc.  If you are not a pet owner and cannot identify with what I’m talking about, please know that I am aware of how ridiculous this must sound to you.

So last night I dreamed that my smallest puppy, Cuddles, ran out into the road and a red truck ran over him and I couldn’t stop it.  I woke up screaming and it took me awhile to fall back asleep.  I woke up a couple of hours later and decided to take a shower and, if that worked well, try heading to my office.  Please don’t get mad at me; I wouldn’t have done it if I thought I would get anyone sick.  I have my own spacious, private office and was very content in there today, back in the land of the living.

And, get this!  I ate lunch today!  I ate a full meal and it was wonderful!  I can’t actually taste anything right now but, for the first time in days, I was hungry!  And I think taking in some calories must have helped the steroids because, and I don’t know how to put this more plainly, I COULD CLIMB A SMALL BUILDING RIGHT NOW.

Instead I’m doing a load of laundry and writing this but, if I wanted, climb I could.

– — –

Last night, I was texting someone and I told them that “the marsupials” (i.e. Snuggles y Cuddles) wished them well, too.  Here is the thing: Snuggles y Cuddles are not marsupials, mainly because of the following:

1. They are not female.  (Their names, I know.  How could I name boys Snuggles y Cuddles?!?)

and

2. They do not have pouches in which they contain their offspring.

But I like the word marsupial and, frankly, I just do not have ample opportunity to use it in regular, daily conversation therefore the puppies have had to take one for the team lately.  Marsupials!

– — –

I talked to Aviean on the phone tonight and here is how her side of the conversation began: “Are you fweeling bwetter yet becwause I miss you.”  I told her that I am feeling better and that, as soon as I can, I can’t wait for her to be back at my house for a bit.  We discussed Snuggles y Cuddles, baby dolls and a little about Snuggles y Cuddles, too.  This is the longest I’ve gone in months without seeing her and my house is far too quiet and clean without that little girl running through it.

– — –

My inboxes today were so filled with love that I just about didn’t know what to do with myself.  I had lunch with a close friend today and I confessed to her that I am always torn about this blog because I’m very aware that, through it, I only give you a glimpse at who I am.  You see a few minutes from each of my days and, a lot of the time, you see the highlights, the good that is in me.  I don’t write about all my struggles publicly simply because that wouldn’t be appropriate; that’s why I have a diary.

I also express myself better in writing than I do in live conversation.  For some reason, it’s just easier for me to write it out — I’ve been like that since I’ve been a little girl.  And so, I write to you, people who I know and don’t know and you read it and sometimes I feel guilty because, blogging, it’s basically just talking about yourself.  And, for the love, do you not get tired of hearing about me?  I know you must; I sure do.

But I’m so glad you come here each night or each morning or whenever it is you come.

I’m so glad you do.