I had the CT scan on Monday and don’t have results yet.  I’m expecting to hear that it’s scar tissue or a calcium deposit; the odds of me having something worse than that at age 25 are pretty low.

I spent all weekend sleeping, mainly because the mono is back with a vengeance.   Yesterday I slept 19 hours and, this morning, I feel like I could sleep another 19 more.

But even when one sleeps for 19 hours a day, it does leave five hours of freedom.  I’ve spent mine playing with the puppies; getting orange Gatorade from the kitchen; looking at pictures of Aviean because I miss her (I wouldn’t dare have her near me when I’m this sick) and editing photo after photo after photo because, right before I had this relapse, I did a bunch of shoots all around the same time.

Would you like a peek?

– — –

This is Seth.  He wanted me to take his picture with his hood up.

Seth?  Imma hook you up with a “hood up” photo.  ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

– — –

Meet Andrew.  Andrew and I ate some ice cream together.

We had to shoot in the rain.  But then I let him climb a tree, so I think we’re cool.

– — –

Rob and Melissa are getting married in May.

I’m photographing their wedding, too!

– — –

Ally loves it when her daddy throws her in the air.

Her dad loves it when I say “Can we do that again?” for the 13th time.

– — –

Sophie loves her daddy, too.

Can you tell?  Wait, what gave it away?  Her smile, perhaps?

I went to bed Thursday evening feeling sick, but I assumed it was related to my day of embarrassment. I didn’t wake up feeling better on Friday, but I decided to go on over to my office.  By lunchtime I was certain that something wasn’t right (it seemed worse than normal mono symptoms), mainly because I was coughing up blood.

I went to my doctor’s office and, after listening to my breathing, they sent me to the hospital for x-rays and blood work.  They were able to see that I was in the beginning stages of pneumonia.  If you’ve never had mono before, you might not know that mono completely destroys your immune system.  In fact, a lot of doctors compare it to how chemo patients basically have no immune system during their treatments.

I was exposed to someone with pneumonia last week (they didn’t know they had it at the time and neither did I), so it wasn’t too big of a surprise that I had contracted it.  I’ve been on bed rest and lots of medicines since Friday and I’ve actually slept around 15 hours each day since then.  I don’t feel great today, but I’m hoping that I’m on the upswing of it.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), the x-ray indicated a small mass in my lower left lung that isn’t related to the pneumonia.  Several radiologists reviewed it on Friday and all made the recommendation that I have a CT scan as soon as possible due to the fact that the mass wasn’t visible in an x-ray I had done about a year ago.  They were able to do a referral to a large hospital in Knoxville in order to get me in quickly and I’ll be going for the scan today at 2 p.m.

I was trying to think of something funny to write, but there isn’t that much funny about it, I suppose.  But, no tears here!  I’m going to go take a shower, attempt to actually fix my hair and then lay in bed until it’s time to head to the hospital.

After while, crocodile.

I’m not really sure where to begin.

On Tuesday night, I wrote about how I was adjusting to a lot of new feelings after learning that my ex-boyfriend was in a new relationship. I also told you that I’ve been struggling with feeling like my life is “pathetic” at times, especially when I’m lonely.

Last night, I went to bed with the news that, within a very short time of each other, both of my ex-boyfriends (the only two I ever seriously dated and contemplated marriage with) got down on one knee, pulled out a ring and proposed to their girlfriends.

Both of them.

– — –

Today has been the slowest day I can remember in a long time.  Texts from friends who are confused at the odds of the timing of the engagements, phone calls from family that tell me not to worry, there will be someone for me one day.  Staring out the window in my office, blinking away tears while trying to avoid letting anyone know the tears are just waiting to spill down my cheeks until I can get in my car.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this embarrassed.  Can you imagine being 25 years old, single with no prospects and having your family, friends and acquaintances find out that not only did one of your ex-boyfriends propose to his new girlfriend, but so did your other ex-boyfriend?

The dictionary defines irony as “an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.”  Should I have expected this?  I guess so.  After all, it’s called a break-up because it’s broken.  It wasn’t like I was sitting at home last night, waiting for one of them to show up on my doorstep with an engagement ring for me.

No, last night I was taking photographs of a newly engaged couple.  I was in the park, asking them to sit in the grass, lean against the fountain.  I was documenting their love, listening to their story, hearing their honeymoon plans.  When I finished, I took Aviean to get something to eat and, on our way home, pulled off on a country road in search of some horses for us to pet.  Aviean loves horses.

I came home and got her ready for bed.  I read to her, prayed with her and tucked the covers in around her.  I washed my make-up off, plugged my cell phone in to charge and laid down in bed.  I laid there, staring at the wall, asking God for the one request I have lately: please take away my desire to married and have a family.

– — –

I spent all day today listening to people tell me all kinds of wonderful things about how God has prepared and planned someone just for me.  They’ve told me that it just wasn’t meant to work out with the other guys and that I should try to not live in the past.  They’ve listed adjectives that they feel describe me, one after another, some of them true.

When I got off work tonight, I had barely shut my car door before the tears began to fall.  I drove towards downtown, took a left and headed out to the country.  It’s been awhile since I’ve been there, but after a couple of wrong turns down curvy back roads, I found it, the little white church with a creek beside it.

I walked across the bridge that covers the creek and walked to the bench that waits on the other side.  I sat down on the right side of it, just like I always do.  I just watched the water go by and tried to stop crying until I decided that maybe I should just let myself be myself for a few minutes, that maybe I should let myself just be a 25 year old girl for a few minutes.

– — –

It’s raining here now, the thunder so loud it just shook my bed.  The rest of tonight belongs to my diary, I think.

Please don’t email me to tell me that God is preparing someone especially for me.  You and I don’t actually know that to be true, now do we?  If He does, He does; if He doesn’t, He doesn’t.  I can adapt.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned,

so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Joseph Campbell

Not long after I wrote the post about Jay / Rose, he she it went missing.  All I know is that one moment it was on the couch; the next, gone.

I suspected the puppies had something to do with this, so I began searching underneath couches, inside of closets and even in my laundry basket.  I looked for that silly pink puppy for days, continually asking Aviean if she had any idea where Jay / Rose might be.  At night, Aviean would cry because she wanted Jay / Rose, which left me staying up late several nights in a row trying to figure out where that stuffed pink puppy could be.

And then, on Tuesday, Aviean decided to shed a little light on the mystery; she informed me that Jay / Rose was “hiding” from me and that he she it was sad because I hadn’t found it yet.  I immediately knew that meant Aviean had hid it somewhere in my house, so I began questioning her but she held firm and wouldn’t give the slightest detail as to Jay / Rose’s whereabouts, though she continued to cry for it.  I tried to explain that, if she’d just tell me where Jay / Rose was, there would be no reason for tears — I’d rescue that silly thing and place it in her hands.

She continued to hold firm.

On Tuesday evening, I decided to do a full search of the house leaving no area unturned.  I moved bookcases out from the wall, looked in the refrigerator, even checked the dishwasher.  I thought he might have gone for a spin in the washer or dryer, but there was no sign of Jay / Rose in the laundry room.

I finally began checking my dresser and, after going through all of my clothes in one of the drawers, I noticed that one of my t-shirts was wrapped in pink tissue paper.  I took the tissue paper off, opened up the t-shirt and guess who I found hanging out in my dresser drawer?

We’re going to have to have a talk, that puppy and I.

I love quotes.  In fact, when I designed this blog, I added an entire page just to hold quotes.  I’ve told you before that I communicate better in writing than verbally, so it makes sense that written quotes sometimes speak more loudly than sermons, at least to me.

With that in mind, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite quotes with you today and open up the comments on this post so that you can share your favorites with me, too.

– — –

“God is there with me.  And He doesn’t say He’s tired tonight.  He doesn’t turn over and go to sleep.  I can keep talking all night long.”

Joan Hunter

– — –

“I cannot find either in scripture or in history, a strong-willed individual whom God used greatly until He allowed them to be hurt deeply.”

Charles Swindoll

– — –

“Distance is not for the fearful; it’s for the bold.  It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love.  It’s for knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don’t see it nearly enough.”

Oprah Winfrey

– — –

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?  Love is everything it’s cracked up to be.  That’s why people are so cynical about it.  It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.  And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

Erica Jong

– — –

“I am not sure how strong I am, and what would have happened if the chill rejection had never stopped.”

Madeleine L’Engle

– — –

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.  The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

Jim Rohn

– — –

“The answers God is willing to give us in our tomorrows often flow from our faithfulness when we have none today.”

Beth Moore

– — –

“… the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him.”

Lamentations 3:24b

– — –

“God sets the lonely in families…”

Psalm 68:6a

– — –

“I had spent my whole adult life studying just the right things and doing just the right things to be qualified and ready.  I was God’s workmanship long before I knew what the good work was that He was preparing in advance for me.  But when I got there and started doing it, it was entirely obvious that that was the plan.  I believe that God has a plan for everyone and that He is shaping you and giving you the exact experiences and information you will need to do His perfect will.  I also believe that you will know it when you see it, and that when you accept it, you’ll never look back with regret.”

Carolyn Dirksen

(She is a VP at the University I attended and was my mentor throughout my college experience)

– — –

And, lastly, my favorite of the moment:

“To inoculate me from the praise of man, He baptized me in the criticism of man, until I died to the control of man.” | Francis Frangipane

– — –

So, tell me — what are some of your favorite quotes?  Comments are open!

Is there any divide wider than the one that falls between who we want to be and who we actually are?

– — –

This afternoon, as I was walking across campus towards my office, I saw something that made me think of an ex-boyfriend of mine which immediately made me think about how he’s in a new relationship now, his first since being with me.  I thought about how I recently told a couple of my closest friends about how genuinely happy I was for him (and I meant it).  When I found out he was in a relationship, my heart was truly relieved at the idea that perhaps he had found what he was looking for in love.

But over the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed that my genuine happiness for him sometimes gets replaced by different emotions, ones that are centered around me, not him.

“Why wasn’t I good enough for him,” I think while I brush my teeth in the morning.  “How is it that I tried for years to make it work between us and yet they’re happy together within weeks?”

I want to be happy for him.  I want to be glad he isn’t lonely, relieved he has found someone to share his life with.  And, miraculously, sometimes I am.

Other times I am not.  I am mad that I’m lonely and he isn’t, jealous that he has found someone to share his life with and I haven’t.

Or take my friend Ashley, for example.  Most of the time, I am thrilled beyond belief at how her life has turned out — raised in a very stable home, married someone who adores her, has a toddler playing at her feet and a baby on her hip.

But sometimes I’m not thrilled.  Sometimes I’m angry because my life didn’t turn out like Ashley’s.  I think about everything she has that I do not have and, though I don’t want her to go without it, I also don’t want myself to go with out it.  Bitterness builds up in me until guilt takes over my emotions.

– — –

They say that perspective changes everything.

Most days I see clearly — or at least somewhat clearly — that my life, my current moment in life, is a plan that has been designed far more intricately and beautifully than I would have imagined.  Most days I can gratefully realize that, because I have not yet been given or chosen marriage, I am able to give MacKenzie and Aviean a degree of love that I might not be able to give them if things were different.  Most days I can remember that I should treasure this time of singleness, this season of freedom.  Most days.

But there are days where what seemed smooth the day before suddenly seems splintered.

“How lovely that you have so many guy friends, Amy Beth.”  But do you know how it feels to listen to them tell me about the dates they go on while knowing that none of them have a desire to date me?

“You must have loved running a ministry!” But do you know how it feels to know that people think it ended in failure and that the supposed “failure” must have been my fault?

“It’s amazing what you do for those two little girls.” But they are not my girls to keep; they each belong to someone else.

– — –

And this may not make sense to you but sometimes I look at my life right now and think that it must just look so pathetic to some people, mainly because sometimes it looks pathetic to me.

I have guy friends who tell me about the dates they go on instead of dating me; pathetic. I have pets so that my house won’t be silent at night when Aviean is asleep; pathetic. I provide continual care for a child while living in fear that, at any moment, she could be jerked out of my life while I stand by and watch it happen; pathetic.

Every so often, I become afraid that there are people out there watching my life thinking to themselves “How sad that she has to replace everything she wants — a husband, children, family — with imitations of each of them.  How pathetic.”

It’s a question I’ve asked myself lately, in the dark of night when I can’t sleep.  I think about what my life would be like if I were already married, a baby in a crib down the hall.  I wonder if I would make the long drive to pick MacKenzie up on Friday evenings if I had the choice of going on a date with a boyfriend that night instead.  I try to imagine whether or not I would clear my schedule as I must to care for Aviean in the way she needs care right now if my schedule was instead full of the family I had planned for myself for years.

I would like to tell you that I would find a balance between it all, and maybe I would.  But maybe I wouldn’t.  Maybe I would choose a relationship, dates, having babies of my own.  Maybe I wouldn’t make the long drives and give the baths at bedtime and do all of the things that fill my life right now if I had the choice of a different life right now.

So maybe it’s good that I don’t have the choice of a different life right now.

– — –

I’ll ask you again.  Is there any divide wider than the one that falls between who we want to be and who we actually are?

I am not someone who dislikes Mondays.

I understand why some people do, but I just can’t bring myself to dislike 1/7 of my week.  I usually wake up on Monday mornings feeling excited about a new week, thinking about what I need to accomplish, who I need to call, etc.

But this morning, this cold Monday morning in Tennessee, I woke up with a heavy heart.  It’s nothing major; just a lot of insecurity and hurt feelings mixed together with a healthy dose of pride added in– a bad combination, don’t you think?  I’m sorry to say that, most of the time, the hardest person to deal with in my life is, well, me.

As I was getting ready in front of the mirror a few minutes ago, Aviean left the puppies in the living room to come ask me a question –

“Do you want to play kangaroo with me?”

I didn’t want to play kangaroo.  I was already behind because I spent so much time laying in bed this morning thinking about my insecurity, hurt feelings and pride.  I stayed in the shower too long, mainly because I was hoping that I could wash away my problems.  I didn’t have make-up on yet and my hair was still partially wet and now I had a four year old asking me if I’d like to play kangaroo with her?

It turns out that jumping around the kitchen with your hands held up to your chest like a kangaroo doesn’t solve your problems.  It doesn’t make you less insecure, it doesn’t fix hurt feelings and it certainly doesn’t help your pride, especially when the four year old informs you that you could fit all three puppies in your “pouch.”

But when a little girl of four looks up at you as she hops around your kitchen, sometimes you’re just glad to be a kangaroo, even if you’re one with a lot of insecurity, hurts and pride in your pouch.

Nina, Lizy, Mary, SarahRuth, Anna, Kimberly, Keri, Dalphina, Stephanie and Chelsea:

It has come to my attention that you have taken it upon yourselves to enjoy something called “spring break” this week.  This vacation, which was allotted by your University (in a moment of poor decision making on their part, obviously), has caused the unfortunate vacating of you from city limits, more specifically the limits of the city I reside in.

Perhaps you can see why we have a problem on our hands.

I would like to know exactly what I am supposed to do without you coming over to play Dr. Mario on my Wii*, enjoying unbaked brownies** and playing with my puppies, Snuggles, Cuddles y (potentially) Darling.***

* SarahRuth, while you may have beat me at a couple of rounds of Dr. Mario the other night, be assured that THE BATTLE IS FAR FROM OVER.

** Keri, once again, I apologize on behalf of the entire group for our eating all the gooey brownies before you arrived.  However traumatic that experience may have been for you, I do hope it has encouraged you to skip future study groups that may cause you to be late for your arrival at my house.  Really, Keri, I think the brownies matter a wee bit more than getting an A on that exam, no?

*** So far, Anna, Stephanie and SarahRuth have each met Darling and have cast their votes that she be allowed to stay (mainly because of her ears — wait until you see them in real life).  I’ll need the rest of your ballots this Monday night during Life Group so we can make a final decision on Darling’s fate.

But back to my letter.

The purpose of my letter is not to make you feel guilty about leaving me here whilst you go and enjoy sleeping in, eating your mom’s homecooked meals and having someone do your laundry for you.  Why, I would never insinuate such a thing.  It’s not like I’ve been up and at the office this week each morning around the same time you’re crawling into bed for the night.

No, the purpose of this letter is to inform you that this will be your final spring break.  Actually, this will be your final break at all.  From this point forward, you are no longer allowed to leave whatever town I’m residing in.  If I should choose to travel one weekend, you may travel along with me.  But this whole thing of you just getting in your cars and going home to visit your friends and families for days at a time?  THOSE DAYS HAVE ENDED.

In other words, enjoy this break since it is, unfortunately, your last.

Love,

amy beth

My mother began cleaning out her attic this past fall since she would be moving into a new house after she was married.  While I was driving through her town one day, she asked me to take my childhood items with me. I had no idea there was even anything left from my childhood, so I was surprised to leave her house with the backseat of my car completely full of various things from when I was younger.

The night I got back, I couldn’t help but take a peek inside one of the boxes. It was a random one, simply marked “Amy Beth.” Inside I found my high school yearbooks, a small wooden carousel I kept beside my bed and, at the very bottom, a journal that I recognized immediately.

It’s the one I began writing to my future husband when I was 13 years old.

– — –

I have no idea what made me start a journal for my future husband at that age, much less what made me even think about the fact that one day I would be married. I vaguely remember thinking that he might like knowing what I was like when I was younger, so I bought a cheap journal and began filling the pages. I wrote about what I was like, who I wanted to be, everything. And then, on one page, I wrote something that doesn’t sound like it could even come from a girl of 13 –

“At times it’s hard to not want life to just speed up so I can find out what will become of me.”

– — –

It’s been 12 years since I wrote those words.  And ever since I read them, I’ve wondered what the 13 year old Amy Beth would think if she knew what had become of her.

There are things that she would be sad to find out.  She would be disappointed in her weight gain during college and her inability to lose the weight after college.  She would hurt over spending years investing in a relationship that never worked out.  She would be sad that she hadn’t married, hadn’t had children of her own.

And there are things she would be happily surprised about.  She would be surprised that she finished college, much less stayed for a masters degree.  She wouldn’t believe the story of Starlite, much less that she had anything to do with it.  She would laugh when she was told that she writes about her life and people come to read it and then she would be embarrassed.

– — –

I wonder what I’ll think when I look back on my blog posts years from now, after I’ve seen a bit more of what is to become of me?

Aviean, a few minutes ago:

“Amy Beff, my tummy doesn’t feel good.”

“Well, what do you think is wrong with it?” I said, genuinely concerned.

“I think it might need a chocolate chip cookie.”

– — –

Happy Wednesday evening, loves.