Oh, Thursday, how I wish I had done better with you.

It wasn’t a bad day, I’m just frustrated with myself.

Relationships are messy

and I hate that sometimes we all feel caught

in that awful place of knowing that whichever way you go

is going to hurt you or someone else.

I also hate not knowing what to do in situations.

Really, I hate feeling like whatever I do

isn’t going to be the right thing

and I’m going to make a situation

even messier than it was to begin with.

I think part of the reason I hate that feeling

is pride.

And the other part?

Genuinely not wanting to hurt people.

Or be hurt myself, either.

Maybe that’s more the truth.

I’m uncomfortable tonight because I hate it

when things are unsettled between me and someone else,

especially when it falls into one of these three categories:

1. they don’t want to fix it

2. I don’t want to fix it

3. neither of us know how to fix it

Or, the worst –

4. neither of us want to fix it

– — –

Cassidy, one of my college girls, and I

had lunch together today

so we could do more of our Ruth Bible study.

Both of us were super stressed from our mornings at work,

so we decided to talk about orphans instead.

You will remember, hopefully, that I cry over orphans.

(That’s an understatement.)

I don’t like it when children have to live without

their mothers and fathers.

– — –

Anyway, our conversation was ironic because

last night, while I was trying to fall asleep,

I kept thinking about orphans.

I was daydreaming (nightdreaming?) about

having a house for orphans somewhere.

Would you like to hear all of my nightdreamings?

– — –

We would have a house that is well built,

with lots of sunlight pouring through windows.

I’m not sure which nation it would be in,

maybe Haiti?  I mean, there’s a lot to choose from.

We would have closets full of clean clothes,

on tiny little white hangers.

A room full of washing machines

and plenty of sweet-smelling laundry detergent.

Plenty of diapers and wipes,

and cribs lined up together.

The orphanage would be staffed

by me, my friends and you.

Like, we’d take turns, all of you who read my blog.

Come down for a couple of weeks, each of you?

We would email and set it all up.

You would come to the airport

and someone would pick you up,

and when you got to the orphanage,

I’d be standing outside, baby on my hip

waiting to meet you.

We’d be pretend mothers together,

stirring and baking and folding

while we said, through tears,

thank You, God, for using our hands.

– — –

As for my friends, they would have specific jobs.

Here are a few:

Cara, you’re in charge of creativity.

Cate, you’re in charge of our critics.

Marisa, you’re in charge of the babies’ hair.

Ashley, you’re in charge of choosing baby outfits.

Christan, you’re in charge of knowing what to do.

Brandy, you’re in charge of everything legal.

Nina, you’re in charge of everything medical.

Lizy, you’re in charge of staff counseling.

Kimberly, you’re in charge of money.

Katie, you’re in charge of pictures.

Shannon, you’re in charge of education.

Caroline, you’re in charge of style.

Chelsea, you’re in charge of water activities.

Cassidy, you’re in charge of politics.

SarahRuth, you’re in charge of prayer.

Anna, you’re in charge of baby holding.

Jennifer J., you’re in charge of awesomeness.

Kimberly M., you’re in charge of keeping me sane.

Keri, you’re in charge of Dr. Mario encouragement.

Anna R., you’re in charge of keeping us going strong.

Melanie, you’re in charge of earnestness.

Joy, you’re in charge of loving babies.

Gosling, you’re in charge of all handyman repairs.

Caleb, you’re in charge of heavy lifting and diaper duty.

Stephanie, you’re in charge of making us cool.

Charity, you’re in charge of foreign languages.

I have a few other positions that are open,

in my imaginative orphanage.

Would you like to apply?

Great, we’re glad to have you on the team.

– — –

I would pack a suitcase with things I needed

to live in a foreign country.

Clothes, ponytail holders and peanut butter.

I would pack another suitcase with baby supplies,

bottles, medicine, formula.

I would make sure we had internet access in the house,

and we could have live Skype nights

so we wouldn’t get lonely in a foreign country.

I could tie ribbons in the baby girls’ hair, maybe.

And learn how to bounce multiple babies at once.

When all the babies were asleep at night,

we could pile onto the sofas

and have Dr. Mario marathons

while we cried because we were so happy in life.

– — –

Now, I’m not looking for a reason

to up and leave those little girls I have here.

I’m just saying that

I wouldn’t mind if He wants to use me

to help orphans one day down the road.

I don’t have a lot of skill,

but I do have some wide hips

and they might as well be used for bouncing some babies on them.