I’m a bit too busy to write long blog posts right now (work, photography business and preparing documents for the London embassy), but I read something a couple of days ago that really resonated with me, so I thought I’d post a link here for it for those of you who might have had similar experiences in loving and giving to children who come and go out of your life.

Over the last few months of saying goodbye to my three foster children, I have experienced a huge wave of emotion that I’ve kept off the blog for the most part.  A lot of it has felt like confusion and disbelief, especially when I think about the good times I had with my foster children and then compare it to where the three of them are now.  Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been informed of some updates with two of them in particular and none of it is good news.  The problems that they were having while they were living with me seem to have only gotten worse since they’ve left my house; there are now some new, very serious complications to their stories.  I feel distanced from it, as I can’t do anything to change their circumstances, but am not too far removed to feel deep sorrow for the twists and turns in their lives.  Was my experience in fostering Mr. Four Year Old, Miss Fourteen and Miss Eighteen difficult?  Yes.  But did I love each of them deeply?  Yes.  Do I wish all three foster children were still in my life and home, had their behaviors and circumstances been different?  Absolutely.

And that’s why, when I read what J. had to say about her recent experience feeling “hurt, fear, sadness and confusion” I knew exactly how she is feeling.  She writes that she is “undeniably drawn to” ones like those I too feel drawn to as well — but that “time and time again” she finds herself “crying for them because there aren’t ‘easy fixes.’”  I know exactly what J. is feeling because I’ve felt it time and time again over the last couple of years of my life as I’ve had the fabulous five and the three foster children in my life.

But, just as He is doing with me, God is showing J. some truths that we can learn in the middle of not knowing what else to do.

There’s something important you should know.  I’m turning British.

It was bound to happen eventually, you know.  A girl can only go so many months listening to her British fiancé whisper sweet nothings like “I scheduled the immunizations I need for the visa” in her ear before starting to pick up the accent.  Of course, Paul won’t admit that I’m turning British, probably because he’s a little jealous of how quickly I’ve picked up the accent of his motherland.  Whenever I drop a few British phrases into our conversation with the slightest hint of an English accent, he likes to reply with “Lovely Irish imitation you’re doing!” or “I didn’t know you had become Australian.”  Oh, he is so green with envy.

My first step in becoming British occurred when some friends told me about an episode of House Hunters International where the husband was British and the wife was from the southern United States.  I haven’t been able to actually find this episode online but, apparently, the woman’s southern US accent had slowly gained a British lilt while her husband’s accent had remained stalwart.  This inspired hope in me that I too could mix the best of both worlds together while keeping Paul from picking up any, ahem, southerness.

Before you think me ungrateful for my heritage, let me explain something: Paul does an imitation of my accent that is horrid.  I love southern accents — I LOVE THEM — but there is something terribly wrong about a British man trying to imitate a southern woman’s speech.  It’s awful.  I’m already trying to devise a plan to isolate Paul from southerners once he moves here to make sure he doesn’t start picking up the accent.  So far, my entire plan consists of keeping him out of Wal-Mart since we all know that’s the best place to pick up venereal diseases southern accents, but I’ll continue developing the plan in the remaining months before his arrival.

My second step in becoming British occurred when I discovered the show Downton Abbey.  I think it’s pretty common knowledge that I’m not a big television viewer, mainly since the last ten years of my life have consisted of going to college, running a ministry, working part-time jobs to get through school, getting a master’s degree, taking care of the fabulous five, working a full-time job, starting a photography company and fostering.  As you can imagine, it left very little time for crashing in front of the tv.

But now, with no kidlets running around my house, a fiancé who is 5,000 miles away and very few friends left living in my town, I have come to see the tv — Netflix, in particular — as my new best friend.  I started watching Downton Abbey on Netflix after hearing several friends talk about it and I’m now completely addicted, which may have something to do with the fact that the show features a British man and his American wife.   I think I’ve seen the first season three times over now and I’m up-to-date with season two that is being broadcast on PBS right now.  I also may or may not occasionally do Google searches for terms like “behind the scenes info on Dowton Abbey” and “Why is Mr. Bates so wonderful?”

Of course, with Paul moving to America instead of me moving to the UK, I won’t get the pleasure of actually becoming legally British.  But you better believe that, from the moment Paul puts his British feet on US soil, he’s going to have a girl on his arm saying things like “Oh, would you like a spot of tea?” approximately every 7.2 seconds while she adjusts the fascinator sitting on top of her head.

It’s the least I can do to help him keep from missing his homeland too much.

Have I got a story for you.

Ever since Paul and I became engaged, people have been asking me what our long-term plans are — where we’ll live, who will move, etc.  I’ve hesitated on writing anything until we got a bit further on in our visa process but I think it’s far enough along that I can fill you in on the details.

When our relationship became serious, we began talking about who would move if we got married.  I would love to live in the UK, particularly in the area where Paul lives now.  It’s beautiful countryside (think: The Holiday settings) and only a short train ride to London, etc., but it didn’t take long for us to figure out that it made more sense for us to live in the US for a variety of reasons.  We decided that we would apply for a K-1 visa (commonly called a “fiancé visa”) when we got engaged.  About two months before Paul proposed, we found out that the US was currently backlogged (and still is) on issuing visas and were cautioning people to expect a 10 month or more wait to receive their visa.  We decided to go ahead and apply for the visa (you don’t have to be engaged to apply) and get our name on the list.

I sent in the 49 page dossier (I KNOW) in November and immediately resigned myself to a very long wait.  Given the current wait times, we were not expecting to hear anything from the US side of things until May or June.  Still, I’ve been letting myself check our case status each Friday morning just to keep myself from going crazy, even though I knew we were very far off from it being approved.  About three weeks ago, I started getting really anxious about the whole process.  I had no doubt that we would be eventually approved but the current wait times I was seeing listed were making me very nervous.

You see, I’m actually a part of a forum of US citizens who have applied for K-1 visas for their beneficiaries and I knew that, from reading the forum, there were still people from June 2011 who hadn’t heard anything on their visas.  If people who filed in June had still not heard anything, I knew that my application filed in November would certainly not be getting approved any time soon.  The night before Valentine’s Day, I gave myself a stern pep talk about having a good attitude even while Paul and I are separated by an ocean right now.  I reminded myself that we are very blessed that we get to see each other as often as we do and that, eventually, he would get to be here permanently.

But then came the day after Valentine’s.  I don’t know what got into me that morning, but I was just sick with worry.  I sent Paul an email from work and he called me on my lunch break to reassure me that everything was going to be fine with the visa.  For some reason, I kept checking the case status of our application throughout the day — even though I knew that there was no way it was going to be approved.

And then, at 4:31 p.m., an email popped up on my computer with the following magic words –

“On February 15, 2012, we mailed you a notice that we have approved this I129-F Petition for Fiancé.”

I shrieked, disrupting the math class meeting next door to my office, and then promptly burst into tears.  I kept reading the email over and over again to make sure I didn’t miss anything while I frantically called Paul’s house with shaking hands.  I couldn’t believe it — and honestly, still can’t believe it.

I have no idea why we got approved so quickly.  It could be because Paul is a gov’t worker or because both he and I have up-to-date extensive background checks (his from a gov’t job, mine from fostering) or it could be just because God chose to remove the burden of waiting for a decision long before I expected it to be lifted from my shoulders.  I honestly can’t explain why we got approved this quickly; it just makes no sense.

Of course, we still have a long immigration road ahead of us with plenty of forms and fees before Paul lands on US soil.  But just knowing that the US has granted permission for him to come as soon as the embassy in London can clear him is the most relieving thing that’s happened to me in years.  I just can’t believe it, even though I’ve had several days to digest the news.  This is really happening you all; I’m getting married.

Ready for another round of pinning?!

1.  Whenever the day comes that Paul and I will be able to buy a house, I have only one wish: for it to have a deep garden bathtub in it.

Okay, just kidding.  I have like 89 wishes for the house.  But a garden tub is one of the biggest ones.

2. I’ve selected bridesmaid dresses for my wedding and this was the picture that inspired my choices.  It’s not going to look exactly like this, but here’s the inspiration for my choices.

P.S. – Should I show you all things like bridesmaid dresses now or save it as a surprise for posts after the wedding?!

3.  My name is Amy Beth and I’m a breadaholic.  If I could make any type of bread at home, though, this is what I would want to make:

4. I was a bit down on Valentine’s earlier this week, only because it was the last holiday I prepared for with the fabulous five intact (though three of them never got to see their Valentine’s gifts waiting at my house).  Seeing all the precious Valentine ideas on Pinterest made me remember what joy I had helping three of the girls made Valentine’s for their class / daycare last year.  Is there anything sweeter than children with their Valentine’s for their classmates?

If I ever have a little boy, I think we might do this project for his classmates:

5.  So far, the most exciting wedding plans I’ve worked on are for some special times with all my bridesmaids together.  The night before my wedding, the 11 of us will be staying together in a big house near a local river.  How fun would it be to have milk and cookies like this as we’re sitting around in our pajamas?

6.  I had two good weeks with my journey on weight loss and then the last few days have felt pretty full of defeat as I’ve been dealing with a problem with a loved one and then choosing to “eat my feelings.”  I keep trying to remember this.

7.  People love to give long-distance couples unsolicited advice.  One of the ones I hear most often is “you can’t really know if your relationship can make it until you’re living near each other day in and day out dealing with real life stuff.”  I always smile politely and then silently think “There’s nothing more “real life” than a newly engaged couple trying to negotiate the visa application process.”  Seriously, I had not idea what a process this would be and I know that Paul didn’t, either.  But, whenever we’re covered up with paperwork and trying to decipher various government requirements for this process, I like to think about this:

8. I would wear these with a thin ponytail and even thinner cheekbones.

9. A couple of years ago, I made something exactly like this for my college girls.  Aren’t they fun?!

Before work this morning, I made my way over to my local Post Office in the cold rain to see if, by any chance, there might be something waiting for me.  I had already told myself not to be upset if there wasn’t a card from Paul, especially since international mail tends to be a bit delayed lately.  But among the bills and tax transcripts that I had ordered for the next stage of our visa process, I found this –

The inscription –

“My darling Amy Beth,

Should there just be one day in our calendar for me to show that you are the only person in the whole world that I will ever love?  Perhaps, so that you can start a collection of cards that you can look at any other of the remaining 364 days of the Lord’s year just to remind you that you are and will always be truly loved by someone across an ocean who is now your fiance and on the 15th of September 2012, will ask you to be wife for the rest of our natural lives.  I will love you forever.”

Swoon.

Meanwhile, only 23 days left until I get to see this man walking through the ATL airport towards me.

And approximately 43 seconds until I get an email from the UK saying “QUIT PUTTING THAT PICTURE OF ME ON YOUR BLOG.”

It’s time for another round of pinning!  Here’s my favorites this week:

1. Whenever I see this picture, I think about how perfect it would have looked in the fabulous fives’ bedroom at my house.  Wouldn’t this have fit it perfectly?  Of course, it would have been an ambitious project for me to tackle given the fact that I’m scared to even hang a picture in my house for fear of it being terribly crooked…

2. Whenever people ask me what the colors or “theme” for my wedding is, I have a hard time describing it to them.  But I think this picture of various garters I like kind of sums it up: vintage glam.  PS – I’m totally throwing a “fake” garter and keeping the real one to pass down to my daughters one day.

3. I must have the fabulous five on my brain today… but how cute would these little cups of tomato soup and mini grilled cheese sandwiches have been to serve to them?  Maybe one day in the future I’ll have a house full of children to serve these to on a cold, rainy Saturday.

4.  And, if I get to have children, I definitely want to serve them this on the morning of St. Patricks’ Day.

5.  My friend Anneke is pregnant and I’m trying to figure out a way to get picked to plan her baby shower because I totally want to give her a “build baby’s library” baby shower.

6.  Dear Paul, read below, Love, Amy Beth.

7.  This girls’ big hair amazes me.  I think about this picture all the time, specifically “How can I create this in my bathroom?”  I think I’m going to print out this picture and take it to Marisa’s house each morning and say “Oh, good morning, could you please fix my hair this way each day?  Thank you.”

8.  I need one of my friends to move into a new house so I can do this as a housewarming gift.  Cate?  I’m looking at you.

Follow me on Pinterest here.

When I miss you most, I look at the picture we took the night I took you to see Disney on Ice.

You were sleepy when we got home.  I remember lifting your sisters onto the bunk bed and turning around to find out that you were falling asleep on the other bed.  I pulled you up to your feet and started helping you into your pajamas while you drowsily complied with my instructions to lift your foot and stretch your arms out.

But then I thought of something, mid-pajamas: I hadn’t taken a picture of you and me that night.

Out of the thousands of pictures I have of you, your sisters and the other two members of the Fab Five, there are only a handful of pictures that show me in it with you girls.  It’s partly because I don’t like having my picture made, but more so because I was the one behind the camera, always taking pictures of you girls so I could document your childhoods.  I didn’t know how many years (months?) you would be in my life but, for however long you were there, I wanted pictures so that, when you were older, I could show you the truth.   I wanted you to know that, for however short of time, you had been loved by an older, maternal figure.  I had determined that, no matter what, I needed to start taking more pictures of you with me beside you so you would be able to remember me one day.

And so, even though I had your pajamas already half on you, I reached for your princess dress again.  I pulled it over your head and gathered it behind you, not even bothering to zip it up.  My friend Cara, who had come into town all the way from North Carolina to help me take you and your sisters to see the princesses skating around the ice rink, grabbed my big camera and began clicking away.  I tried standing beside you and smiling towards the camera, but you were too tired.  Cara and I were both laughing at my attempts to get you to be alert long enough for a picture when I gave up on the photo and bent gown to gather you in my arms to hug you before tucking you into bed.  My heart was overwhelmed with joy that night, spilling out with memories of the look on your face when I pulled out the princess dress you would wear that night, when the princesses appeared the first time, when I said yes to both popcorn and cotton candy.  My heart was spilling out and I gathered you in my arms hoping that love would spill out onto you, too, even though you were halfway asleep.

And, without saying anything, Cara pressed click.  And that one click caught everything.

It caught your sleepy eyes, filled with a contented kind of love.  It caught your hair that I had curled earlier that night and pinned to the top of your head in an attempt to make you feel like a princess.  It caught the bridesmaid dress I had worn to the arena, never minding if people laughed at me because you and your sisters thought that you were queens of the world having two adults willing to dress up like princesses with you.  It caught my arms wrapped around you, needing to give out love.  It caught you pressing my arms to you, needing to receive love.

There isn’t a one of the five of you that I think about more than the other four.  Before I loved you five girls, I didn’t think impartial love was possible but now I know that the corny thing people say about love multiplying instead of dividing is actually true.  I had and have enough love in my heart for all five of you.

But I think I worry about you the most.  Do you have clean clothes for school each morning?  When the other kids are turning in permission forms and fees for the class field trip, do you have a little plastic bag in your backpack containing the form and a ten dollar bill?  Is anyone being a mother to you?

I haven’t forgotten you.   I don’t understand why you’re not here with me.  Sometimes late at night, when I get so frustrated with the situation and want to get in my car and drive over to do my own version of a welfare check on you, I feel God’s arms around me, holding me back and saying “No, Amy Beth.  Wait.”

And so I am waiting, hoping that one day the command of wait will turn into permission to go.

Well, this is my first “real” wedding post!  I’m planning to blog about the whole wedding planning experience over the next eight months leading up to my wedding.  This may end up being one of my favorite posts because it’s all about BRIDESMAIDS!

From the moment I realized Paul was the one and we began seriously talking about marriage, I began thinking about my bridesmaids.  Because of Starlite (the girls’ ministry I ran for nearly seven years), I have an inordinate amount of girl friends.  There’s a core group that I’ve stayed the closest to over the years, so I instantly knew I wanted to ask them to be bridesmaids.  And, of course, there were friends from my younger years, before Starlite ever began, that I wanted to stand with me at the altar, too.  Once I had counted everyone up, there were ten girls on the list.  I KNOW.

I wanted to do something creative to ask them to be my bridesmaids (side note: I decided not to have a maid or matron of honor, simply because I didn’t want to try to pick, hurt anyone’s feelings, etc.).  After doing a little research combined with the tiny ounce of creativity that lives inside of me, here’s what I came up with:

First, I ordered some nice boxes that you could personalize.  The boxes were completely out of my price range until a sale came along that made them unbelievably affordable.

The boxes came with a pre-designed floral pattern on them, but I personalized the wording to read: “Please say yes to the dress.”

Here’s what the boxes looked like when you opened them up.

I began by combining brown and cream paper shreds to give me a nice layer on the base of the boxes.  Then, I sprinkled some little paper flowers on top in the main blue / teal / “Starlite blue” color for my wedding.

Next, I pulled out a stack of picture frames I had bought at a local craft store.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been combing through hundreds of photos to find one photo of me with each bridesmaid that represented some big moment in our friendship.  Once I had found the ten photos I wanted, I had them blown up at a photo store in Chattanooga.

And then slipped them into the 5 x 7 frames!  Here’s the picture my cousin Marisa got.  That’s me on the left and a younger Marisa on the right.  I was probably five or six years old in this picture and, trust me, I lived in that leotard.

Next, I took some English Breakfast Tea and put the packets in little drawstring bags to dress them up a bit.

And then I added a personalized cookie that I ordered specifically for this project.  I asked the baker to make the cookies look like a piece of airmail and to put my wedding date on them.  As you can see, I’m getting married this September.

Then, I took some cards I had ordered and personalized online to read “Will you be my bridesmaid?”  If you click on the picture below, you can see the card in a larger size.  Underneath the question was a favorite quote of mine by an English author and then the date and location of the wedding.  On the back of each of these cards, I wrote a personal note to each girl about how she had been a part of my life for so many memories and how I was hoping that, in September of this year, she’ll stand by my side as we make some new memories on my wedding day.

Once I had everything packaged up, it was time to assemble the boxes.  This is what they looked like before I closed the lid!

On the sides of each of the boxes, I had the bridesmaids’ names printed in a pretty script (I’ve got their last names blocked out in this picture, but you get the idea).  That way, the girls could use their boxes on a bookshelf or desk at their office.

And there you have it!  I put each box in a priority box and mailed them on the same day hoping they would arrive around the same time for each girl.  Every girl said yes, which means that’s another check off my wedding to-do list!

Are you in love with Pinterest as much as I am?  If you’re one of the few people who doesn’t know know what it is, Pinterest is basically a virtual bulletin board where you “pin” things you love to it.  You can have multiple boards that help you keep track of your favorite things.  For example, I have a board for wedding ideas, one for things I want to do / remember after I have children, even one for recipes I want to try out.

I know a lot of you “follow” me on Pinterest already (and I follow a lot of you, too!), but I thought it might be fun if I feature some of my favorite pins from Pinterest every so often.  Ready?

1. How much do you love this side table?  I originally pinned it as a home decoration, but I’m listing it here so you can see one of the colors I’m thinking about using for my wedding.  I love this color.  (PS — if you’re reading this and you were in Starlite… is this “Starlite blue” or what?!?)

2.  I’m crazy about my puppies, but not crazy enough to include them in my actual wedding ceremony.  But, how cute would it be to do a picture like this on the wedding day?   I’m not sure Cuddles would stand still long enough for the photographer to get this shot, but Snuggles would, especially if we hid his blue bone in my hair with an edge of it peeking out just far enough for him to see it.

3.  Have you guys ever tried Cracker Barrel’s grilled chicken strips?  It’s one of my favorite foods on the planet.  This recipe claims to tell you how to fix them at home.  I’ll have to try it sometime and report back to you.

4.  I love this precious little girl swimsuit.  I’m making myself wait to buy things for my future children, but if I was letting myself buy stuff… oh, this would definitely be in the hope chest.

5.  I wish Paul lived close enough for me to do something like this for him for the two weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day.  I could do it and mail it all in one box, but have you seen international postage rates lately?

6.  Don’t mind if I do.

7.  And, if I’m going pretending to go to London, I’m definitely going to pretend to need this coat… can’t you imagine just walking down Oxford Street to do a little afternoon shopping at Harrod’s in this coat?  Swoon.

More pins next week!