That’s what friends are for.
For Easter weekend, I headed straight to Memphis. Three of my friends from college live there now, so I love getting to see all three of them in one visit. Between the four of us, we did everything from going to Cracker Barrel for brunch, squeezing in tight fitting rooms to zip me into wedding dresses and, of course, talking our heads off.
(That’s Kelly in pink, me beside her, Christan next to me and Brandy in the yellow.)
My weekend with my friends was wonderful and still bittersweet at the same time. I’m going through a situation in my personal life right now where I’m completely estranged (by my choice) from someone who I really, really don’t want to be estranged from at any time, but especially in the months leading up to my wedding. The problems have been going on for over six months now and it has left me pretty quiet, as you’ve probably noticed. And, well, defeated. I feel very, very defeated.
For the last few months, I have put a lot of my life on hold hoping that things would get better and that I would feel like it was appropriate to ask the person to be a part of the important events happening in my life right now. I’ve certainly tried to fix our relationship and I think the person has tried in their own way, but for various reasons that I don’t want to get into on a public blog, it just isn’t working for either of us. Relationships are just hard, you know?
One of the biggest things I’ve been holding off on was looking for a wedding dress while I waited for things to get better. Things have not gotten better, though, and I didn’t want to face it. Luckily for me, my friends decided to help me face it. A few weeks ago, my Knoxville-based bridesmaids gently prodded me into starting to look while we were together one night and, over Easter weekend, my Memphis-based bridesmaids took their turns helping me. Then, this past weekend, Cate and I went and found the perfect dress which I’m planning to order as soon as I get paid this month. Just thinking about how my friends have stepped in to try to help a painful situation be a little less painful has made me more grateful than ever for them. I feel like they’ve kind of circled their wagons up around me and said “We’re not going to let the time leading up to your wedding be a bad memory for you. We will help you make good memories.”
But the other thing that has made me thankful for them is that they’ve been willing to speak up when they’ve seen me be in the wrong about the situation, too. The situation has caused me to feel a wide range of emotion — from sadness, to anxiety, to jealousy — and, more often than not, it has caused me to lash out in anger because I have no other way to express how deeply hurt I am by this relationship. I hate what this situation has brought out in me and how I choose to react sometimes. I will start thinking about how hurtful the situation has been and, before I even know it’s happening, I’m suddenly lashing out at the person or overeating my feelings of rejection.
Anger has never been a big part of my personality so I have been so surprised to see what control it has been able to have over me. Sometimes, when the anger has welled up in me, I lash out towards the person who has hurt me because I want them to know and grasp how badly I am hurting so that they will change their behavior. A few of my friends have happened to be near me when it has happened and have spoken up each time to say “You know, you really shouldn’t react that way” or “You’re better than that. You can handle that better next time.” I’m grateful for the fact that they’re not afraid to say things like that to me. They agree that the events that have happened over the past six months have been profoundly hurtful in my life, but they also know that only I am responsible for how I react to the events. It takes a lot of guts in a friendship to speak up like that, you know.
I am really disappointed that there is any bitter in the sweetness of the months leading up to my wedding. But, if there is going to be bitter, I’m glad for friends who help take the edge off of it.
Posted: April 18th, 2012 under Uncategorized.
Comments: 14
Comments
Comment from CrysHouse
Time: April 18, 2012, 10:55 am
I’m glad you have friends like that, Amy Beth. I’ve learned people who will call me on my crap are rare and valuable…and rarely underplay grief wen it’s present. And I’m thankful for the last part as much as the first.
Comment from Nicole
Time: April 18, 2012, 11:08 am
This makes me sad for you. Yes, relationships are hard. And sometimes, as hard as you try, there is just no fixing it. That bothers me. I am a person who likes to have good relationships in my life and I like to have things fixed and better. I hate that you have to go through these feelings leading up to one of your happiest days. But, I am so glad that you have such sweet friends to encourage you and keep you accountable! Praying for your heart today, Amy Beth!
Comment from Krista
Time: April 18, 2012, 11:35 am
This site looks awesome, btw!
And I totally understand how much it hurts to be in that in-between friendship stage where you’re hoping that time will work it out. I’ve been there twice: once when I was in my early 20s and once more recently. The girl from my early 20s? We are very close again, but the more recent one? She chose to step away permanently from our friendship, and there have been some things that have happened that have made me wish we were still friends. I, too, lashed out in waves of anger and hurt.
I’m not trying to make this about me — I guess my point is that I am so glad you have friends who care about you enough to point out when your actions aren’t reflecting who you are and what you believe. That takes a lot of guts and is the sign of a real friend — someone who loves you for better and for worse (kind of like a marriage, huh? 
)
Comment from Erin K.
Time: April 18, 2012, 12:40 pm
Thank God for such beautiful friends. It seems like is immensely unpopular for people to correct others, especially for women, especially for Christians. Those are wise women you surround yourself with, and you are a wise one yourself for doing so. And it just makes my heart so happy, because you will be SUCH a BLESSING for your husband because you do not hold yourself above reproach. I wish I could clone you for my sons.
Comment from Jessie
Time: April 18, 2012, 3:16 pm
Amy Beth,
I know that things will work out for the best for you, even if how it works out doesn’t feel like the best at the time. I’ve gone through a time in my life where I lost friends that I would have never in a million years dreamed of being without, but what I found was that those friendships were more hurtful to me than I knew. One in particular was very toxic and I couldn’t see how much she was hurting me until she was gone. God has blessed me with so many new friends who love and respect me. God will see to it that if this relationship needs healing, it will be healed in time. If not, then God will bless you with new people in your life. (c:
Enjoy this beautiful, joyous time leading up to your wedding. (c: You have so many wonderful things that are happening for you right now! You’re lucky to have friends who are celebrating your happiness with you, and pushing away any negativity.
Best Wishes! <3
Jessie
Comment from Christy
Time: April 18, 2012, 4:30 pm
I am so glad you have had dear friends surround you and love you like this. And yay for finding a dress…. and even better the friends that love you and care enough to make sure you celebrate the beauty of this coming day.
AB… You deserve to be so very happy and this person…. THEY are the one missing out on the beauty that is you and Paul and your life now and your life when you get married.
Praying for you dear one. <3
Comment from Sarah Lee
Time: April 18, 2012, 4:35 pm
My friends have truly been the best family to me time after time. I couldn’t do life without them.
So thankful you have those friends, too.
Sending much love to you and hurting heart, my friend.
Comment from samantha
Time: April 18, 2012, 7:42 pm
I’m so sorry, Amy Beth. This post makes me sad for you. I thank God you have such amazing friends who will take such good care of you right now.
Comment from Meredith
Time: April 18, 2012, 11:28 pm
I spent most of my wedding planning estranged from my mother (emotionally, if not physically.) She had a really hard time accepting that our relationship was going to change and responded with criticism and withdrawal. She left me to do the wedding plans alone, and it was lonely.
By the wedding week, she had risen to the occasion and although the first year was rocky, we eventually found a new and better balance.
Here’s to finding the new balance that only God can plan!
Comment from Destiny
Time: April 19, 2012, 6:26 am
First: I would have loved to have had you for a daughter or a daughter in-love. LOVED!
Second: forgive and RECOVER!
It’s not easy, but it is a choice and I’m choosing it. (Don’t hate me girlies, AB knows my heart and that more than anything, I want her to be as content and fulfilled, as she deserves to be. Plus … I’m old and have some real life experience to substantiate up my comment!) I’m on “The Healing Tour of 2012″ myself. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, so, in 2012, I’m getting healthy in every possible way. Physically, I’m two weeks into recovering from an extremely painful, “much more complicated” than the doctor anticipated, knee surgery. Emotionally, it means making an expensive, (financially, but mostly physically and emotionally) trip back to the people and place where it all began – knowing that it could also be the place it all ends.
If I let my emotions rule, it will be over before it begins. If I focus on the damage done in the past (as in last week!) and not the progress I’m hoping to make in the future, it’s game over. I have found that the anticipation of “something,” especially something big with lots of expectations associated with it, (something like a wedding) can often be the most exciting aspect of the actual event. Not so when there is hurt or fear associated with the “something”; hurt, and the knowledge that things aren’t the way you want them to be; disappointment that people can’t be less selfish or more positive; sadness that you can’t have the “perfect” that it appears everyone else does; irritation that people can’t or won’t put their feelings or opinions aside for a day, for your day; frustration that grown-ups sometimes act like children; fear that this bad behavior may be your destiny, your future… Truth? Hurting people hurt – themselves and others. Don’t become what you dislike. Personally, I’ve got some things to say to a few people; people who should not only know better, but who should have done better! But … all I really, truly, need to say and all they can really, truly, hear is “I love you, and I accept you. Do you love and accept me?” Honestly, it would be easier for me to walk on my own tongue than say this to those who have hurt, and continue to hurt, me. But … I’m going to do it. Why? Because, bottom line, I want all of my people in heaven. Instead of making it about them, I’m making it about me, because in the end, I’m the only person whose actions I have any control over. Let me ask you this. Can you stand being estranged forever? No? Then you have to make it right. If that person passed from the world today, would it grieve you? Would you think you had made a huge mistake for being estranged in the first place? Yes, then fix it, establishing balance that works for you. If it would be a relief that they were gone and the tormenting finally over, end it now. Not sure? Set healthy boundaries and stick to them. Reduce it to love and make it work. (When dealing with myself, I try to use my head. When dealing with others, I try to use my heart, which is oh, so hard…) At our wedding, twenty-four years ago, we took pictures of each table and all of the guests assigned to sit there. So many of those dear people are gone now, and all I know is that I would do anything to have them back for just one more day. You’ve expressed that you don’t want to be estranged. I’m afraid that if you feel this way now, that you will most definitely feel it if you don’t right the wrong before the wedding. (Remember, there are no wedding do-overs!) Can you imagine your wedding without this person being there? Without this person participating? Without this person being in your pictures? Can you?
Your God is bigger than this, Amy Beth and so are you…
With love and prayers, for you and for me.
Comment from Tarheel
Time: April 19, 2012, 8:17 pm
A book that has really helped me in friendship situations and is a quick but helpful read is Friendships for Grown Ups by Lisa Whelchel.
Comment from Katie
Time: April 29, 2012, 12:35 pm
big hugs to you sweet amy beth
hope you find peace and rest and joy – even through the pain
praying for you
Comment from Misty
Time: April 30, 2012, 1:36 pm
I keep praying for you. I miss your blog updates. Hope your wedding planning is going well and you are bearing the distance from Paul by staying close to Jesus and very busy at work.
This is my verse for the day: Proverbs 29:11 “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.”
Remember: you is smart, you is special, you is loved.
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Comment from G S
Time: April 18, 2012, 9:57 am
Love your new blog decor. You are inspiring me to, maybe, redo mine.
Anyway, Amy Beth, I am sorry that you are having this mix of bitterness in the sweetness that you are having planning your wedding. I don’t know what has happened, because you have not been able to share about it.
I do wish you happiness in your wedding, and may you develop an enduring love in your marriage.
G.