You were sleepy when we got home.  I remember lifting your sisters onto the bunk bed and turning around to find out that you were falling asleep on the other bed.  I pulled you up to your feet and started helping you into your pajamas while you drowsily complied with my instructions to lift your foot and stretch your arms out.

But then I thought of something, mid-pajamas: I hadn’t taken a picture of you and me that night.

Out of the thousands of pictures I have of you, your sisters and the other two members of the Fab Five, there are only a handful of pictures that show me in it with you girls.  It’s partly because I don’t like having my picture made, but more so because I was the one behind the camera, always taking pictures of you girls so I could document your childhoods.  I didn’t know how many years (months?) you would be in my life but, for however long you were there, I wanted pictures so that, when you were older, I could show you the truth.   I wanted you to know that, for however short of time, you had been loved by an older, maternal figure.  I had determined that, no matter what, I needed to start taking more pictures of you with me beside you so you would be able to remember me one day.

And so, even though I had your pajamas already half on you, I reached for your princess dress again.  I pulled it over your head and gathered it behind you, not even bothering to zip it up.  My friend Cara, who had come into town all the way from North Carolina to help me take you and your sisters to see the princesses skating around the ice rink, grabbed my big camera and began clicking away.  I tried standing beside you and smiling towards the camera, but you were too tired.  Cara and I were both laughing at my attempts to get you to be alert long enough for a picture when I gave up on the photo and bent gown to gather you in my arms to hug you before tucking you into bed.  My heart was overwhelmed with joy that night, spilling out with memories of the look on your face when I pulled out the princess dress you would wear that night, when the princesses appeared the first time, when I said yes to both popcorn and cotton candy.  My heart was spilling out and I gathered you in my arms hoping that love would spill out onto you, too, even though you were halfway asleep.

And, without saying anything, Cara pressed click.  And that one click caught everything.

It caught your sleepy eyes, filled with a contented kind of love.  It caught your hair that I had curled earlier that night and pinned to the top of your head in an attempt to make you feel like a princess.  It caught the bridesmaid dress I had worn to the arena, never minding if people laughed at me because you and your sisters thought that you were queens of the world having two adults willing to dress up like princesses with you.  It caught my arms wrapped around you, needing to give out love.  It caught you pressing my arms to you, needing to receive love.

There isn’t a one of the five of you that I think about more than the other four.  Before I loved you five girls, I didn’t think impartial love was possible but now I know that the corny thing people say about love multiplying instead of dividing is actually true.  I had and have enough love in my heart for all five of you.

But I think I worry about you the most.  Do you have clean clothes for school each morning?  When the other kids are turning in permission forms and fees for the class field trip, do you have a little plastic bag in your backpack containing the form and a ten dollar bill?  Is anyone being a mother to you?

I haven’t forgotten you.   I don’t understand why you’re not here with me.  Sometimes late at night, when I get so frustrated with the situation and want to get in my car and drive over to do my own version of a welfare check on you, I feel God’s arms around me, holding me back and saying “No, Amy Beth.  Wait.”

And so I am waiting, hoping that one day the command of wait will turn into permission to go.

From the moment I realized Paul was the one and we began seriously talking about marriage, I began thinking about my bridesmaids.  Because of Starlite (the girls’ ministry I ran for nearly seven years), I have an inordinate amount of girl friends.  There’s a core group that I’ve stayed the closest to over the years, so I instantly knew I wanted to ask them to be bridesmaids.  And, of course, there were friends from my younger years, before Starlite ever began, that I wanted to stand with me at the altar, too.  Once I had counted everyone up, there were ten girls on the list.  I KNOW.

I wanted to do something creative to ask them to be my bridesmaids (side note: I decided not to have a maid or matron of honor, simply because I didn’t want to try to pick, hurt anyone’s feelings, etc.).  After doing a little research combined with the tiny ounce of creativity that lives inside of me, here’s what I came up with:

First, I ordered some nice boxes that you could personalize.  The boxes were completely out of my price range until a sale came along that made them unbelievably affordable.

The boxes came with a pre-designed floral pattern on them, but I personalized the wording to read: “Please say yes to the dress.”

Here’s what the boxes looked like when you opened them up.

I began by combining brown and cream paper shreds to give me a nice layer on the base of the boxes.  Then, I sprinkled some little paper flowers on top in the main blue / teal / “Starlite blue” color for my wedding.

Next, I pulled out a stack of picture frames I had bought at a local craft store.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been combing through hundreds of photos to find one photo of me with each bridesmaid that represented some big moment in our friendship.  Once I had found the ten photos I wanted, I had them blown up at a photo store in Chattanooga.

And then slipped them into the 5 x 7 frames!  Here’s the picture my cousin Marisa got.  That’s me on the left and a younger Marisa on the right.  I was probably five or six years old in this picture and, trust me, I lived in that leotard.

Next, I took some English Breakfast Tea and put the packets in little drawstring bags to dress them up a bit.

And then I added a personalized cookie that I ordered specifically for this project.  I asked the baker to make the cookies look like a piece of airmail and to put my wedding date on them.  As you can see, I’m getting married this September.

Then, I took some cards I had ordered and personalized online to read “Will you be my bridesmaid?”  If you click on the picture below, you can see the card in a larger size.  Underneath the question was a favorite quote of mine by an English author and then the date and location of the wedding.  On the back of each of these cards, I wrote a personal note to each girl about how she had been a part of my life for so many memories and how I was hoping that, in September of this year, she’ll stand by my side as we make some new memories on my wedding day.

Once I had everything packaged up, it was time to assemble the boxes.  This is what they looked like before I closed the lid!

On the sides of each of the boxes, I had the bridesmaids’ names printed in a pretty script (I’ve got their last names blocked out in this picture, but you get the idea).  That way, the girls could use their boxes on a bookshelf or desk at their office.

And there you have it!  I put each box in a priority box and mailed them on the same day hoping they would arrive around the same time for each girl.  Every girl said yes, which means that’s another check off my wedding to-do list!

I know a lot of you “follow” me on Pinterest already (and I follow a lot of you, too!), but I thought it might be fun if I feature some of my favorite pins from Pinterest every so often.  Ready?

1. How much do you love this side table?  I originally pinned it as a home decoration, but I’m listing it here so you can see one of the colors I’m thinking about using for my wedding.  I love this color.  (PS — if you’re reading this and you were in Starlite… is this “Starlite blue” or what?!?)

2.  I’m crazy about my puppies, but not crazy enough to include them in my actual wedding ceremony.  But, how cute would it be to do a picture like this on the wedding day?   I’m not sure Cuddles would stand still long enough for the photographer to get this shot, but Snuggles would, especially if we hid his blue bone in my hair with an edge of it peeking out just far enough for him to see it.

3.  Have you guys ever tried Cracker Barrel’s grilled chicken strips?  It’s one of my favorite foods on the planet.  This recipe claims to tell you how to fix them at home.  I’ll have to try it sometime and report back to you.

4.  I love this precious little girl swimsuit.  I’m making myself wait to buy things for my future children, but if I was letting myself buy stuff… oh, this would definitely be in the hope chest.

5.  I wish Paul lived close enough for me to do something like this for him for the two weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day.  I could do it and mail it all in one box, but have you seen international postage rates lately?

6.  Don’t mind if I do.

7.  And, if I’m going pretending to go to London, I’m definitely going to pretend to need this coat… can’t you imagine just walking down Oxford Street to do a little afternoon shopping at Harrod’s in this coat?  Swoon.

More pins next week!

Paul came to see me for fifteen days in December.  Let me tell you something about the British: they give their people incredible amounts of vacation time.  We decided that Paul would fly over here while I was in my busiest time at work so that he could sleep off his jet lag while I put in some long hours at the office.  I had a few busy days (think working long hours at my real job + shooting two weddings in two days) but, when it was over, I was off for almost two weeks.  We had a great two weeks together.  Want to see some pictures from it?  Warning: I took most of these with my phone.

Paul’s first day here, bonding with Snuggles and Cuddles.  Snuggles loves Paul because Paul hasn’t been here long enough to learn that, the more you throw Snuggles’ blue bone, the more he wants you to throw it for him.  It’s a vicious cycle.

We wrapped some Christmas gifts together.  This one is for my little cousin Ella, who lives in Chicago.  Fun fact: I’ve only met Ella twice in her five years of life but every single week, I write her a letter because I want her to grow up knowing me (for those of you who have read awhile, this is Aviean’s half-sister).

We drove to Knoxville to celebrate Christmas with that side of my family.  I’m not sure how this happened, but somehow, Marisa’s baby ended up in Paul’s arms and I got to snap a few quick pictures.

(Also, you should know: I’m counting down the days until my wedding not for the sake of getting married but to know how many days are left until I can start trying to have a baby.)

(Don’t tell Paul.)

(Or my dad.)

Christmas gifts waiting to be mailed to family and friends who live too far to see at the holidays.

A few days before Christmas, Paul and I went to Nashville so I could show him the Opryland Hotel.  I have a weird love affair with that resort.  I kind of want to spend every weekend there.

Paul and I had lunch at a restaurant at the hotel.  It was the best hamburger of my life.  I think I’m going to get in trouble for posting a picture of Paul with his mouth full, but thankfully, we’re 5000 miles away at the moment.

Here’s a blurry picture of me in a store at the hotel picking out an ornament for our first Christmas tree together.  My London-girl bangs are growing out, hallelujah.

A few days later, Paul proposed to me.  Here’s a picture of the exact spot we were at.  And yes, he really did get down on one knee on one of the stones right in the middle of all that water.  What a man, right?

My ring!  Oh my goodness… I love, love, love my ring.  I wanted something that looked “vintage” and he did not disappoint.

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day celebrating with both sides of my family.  Highlights included watching my mother and Paul talk at the kitchen table and then going to my paternal grandmother’s house for Christmas dinner that evening.  When we were opening gifts that evening, Paul was clearly overwhelmed with how much my family was blessing me and him.  To give you the back story, Paul is the only child of an only child.  And, his father died when he was an infant.  So, Paul is used to getting Christmas gifts from his mother… and that’s about it.  With me, he was opening gifts all day long.  At one point that evening, he was sitting in shock surrounded by wrapping paper.  Everyone noticed he was overwhelmed and he explained he just wasn’t used to so many gifts.  Without missing a beat, my brother put on his best fake country accent and said “This is ‘MERICA, SON.”  I laughed until I cried.

The day after Christmas, Paul and I headed to Asheville, NC to visit my friend Cara.  She had graciously given us tickets to Biltmore and we spent the whole day there touring the grounds and having the best lunch at a sweet restaurant.  I have always loved Biltmore, but I love it even more now that I’m obsessed with the tv show Downton Abbey.

When we got to Cara’s house for dinner that night, she had a huge basket of gifts waiting for me!  She and Cousin Cate gave me the sweetest engagement gifts.  See those bridal magazines in the back?  Two of them were the British versions of bridal magazines!  I was in heaven.

But the best part of the basket was the personalized wedding planner they had ordered for me!  Check out my soon-to-be new last name.  I’m so excited about my new name-to-be!

For our last few days together, we made the short trip to Chattanooga to use up some free passes to local attractions.  We went to the aquarium together…

… where we spent some quality time with the penguins.

Of course, we spent plenty of quality time just sitting on the couch and talking, too, but I don’t have pictures of that.  Other than the engagement, do you know what my favorite thing was that we did?  The night before Paul left, we watched tv together.  Yep, that was my favorite part.  It was my favorite because we don’t get to do a lot of normal things together like watching tv or cooking dinner together or even taking the puppies for a walk.  I am counting down the days until Paul can move here and we can just be a normal couple.  Fingers crossed, he’ll be here for good in June — but I’ll tell you more about that another day.

“Next Friday, I’ll be runnin home faster than a bobcat with a bur under his tail.”

I would go on choosing you

And you would go on choosing me

Over and over again.”

- Sandol Stoddard Warburg

(Taken in July 2011)

Miss you this morning.

5:03 pm – rush back into the office because you forgot to send a time-sensitive email for work

5:09 pm – call your fiancé just so you can hear those first three words — “Well, hello there.”

5:24 pm – start dreading the moment where you have to hang up so he can head off to bed

5:29 pm – reluctantly say goodnight

5:40 pm – contemplate calling again, even though you know he has already fallen asleep

5:41 pm – vow to eat a healthy dinner instead of your feelings

6:03 pm – play Dr. Mario

6:14 pm – contemplate your recent habit of being on a Dr. Mario binge

7:15 pm – talk to your mother about the bridesmaid dresses she saw at a wedding last weekend

7:35 pm – Google “stories of women with ovarian problems ability to get pregnant”

7:47 pm – more Dr. Mario (you are ashamed, yet addicted)

8:13 pm – call from your Cousin Cate to discuss the number of hours, minutes and seconds left until she moves back to your town

8:47 pm – aimless Internet research centered around Google searches of “Who should be invited to a rehearsal dinner?” and “airmail themed wedding invitations”

8:49 pm – random Facebook page “visitations” to check up on college friends who you miss

8:54 pm – attempt to write an insightful Facebook status about how much you miss your fiancé

8:55 pm – backspace over half-written status because you don’t want to complain

8:56 pm – pull out calendar to count number of days until your fiancé comes back to visit (45, in case you’re wondering)

8:57 pm – try hard to be grateful that your fiancé can afford to visit you so often whilst simultaneously screaming “how am I supposed to make it forty five DAYS?!?!” in your head

9:03 pm – start getting ready for bed while noticing how cute it is that your puppies are sitting at the edge of your bed waiting for you to come to bed

9:04 pm – think, for the hundredth time, how you want to write a blog post about how having two little puppies helped to change your life without coming across as a crazy dog lady

9:13 pm – contemplate downloading something to read on your Kindle but decide not to because you’re trying to save money to buy a wedding dress

9:14 pm – suddenly remember how your fiancé calls your Kindle a “kadoodle” and nearly burst into tears because you just miss him that much

9:40 pm – write a blog post from your iPhone about your evening instead of having late-night conversations with your fiancé because he lives across the Atlantic, dang it

I have been trying to be very good at counting all my points and, to make that a bit easier, I bought some individual size cups of peanut butter the last time I went to the grocery store.  The other night, after throwing away the nearly empty cup, I went into the other room only to hear some mysterious noises coming from the kitchen a few minutes later.  As I walked into the kitchen, I realized that Snuggles had gone dumpster diving in my trashcan, fetched the leftover cup of peanut butter and was enjoying a little illicit treat.  Without thinking, I yelled the following –

“SNUGGLES!  Now we are going to have to add those points to your Point Tracker Plus!”

1. Missing him.

Here is the thing: I can’t get overly emotional and sad about missing him because I happen to have a few friends whose husbands or boyfriends are currently overseas in the military and I’m very aware that they have it a lot harder than he and I have it.  Plus, I’ve waited so long to have someone that I don’t want to complain about our circumstances.  I’m so grateful to have Paul.  What’s a few thousand miles when you’ve got the rest of your life to look forward to, right?  (This is me sounding better than I actually am.  Most of the time, I just obsessively play Dr. Mario to keep from writing Facebook statuses like “OH MY GOSH, WHY WILL FLIGHTS TO THE UK NOT GO ON SALE?!?”)

2. Working on my business taxes.

This past year was the first “real” year of my photography business.  In March of 2011, I had reached a point where I needed a business license due to the amounts I was making.  I set-up the actual business in March and the year was very blessed for the business, especially when you consider that a lot of small businesses make nothing their first year.  I’m really grateful for it because, although I received a small daily stipend for each of my foster children, it wasn’t enough to cover a lot of their “extra” expenses, including wardrobes (they each came to my house with very little).  The extra money I made from my photography business last year helped me supplement my income to be a single mom to three and I’m grateful for it.

3. Booking weddings.

Any wedding photographer will tell you that January and February are the “dead seasons” — in other words, there’s no weddings to shoot.  But, the first few months of the year seem to be when most wedding photographers do the bulk of their bookings.  So I’m taking advantage of my dead time to try to book new clients, learn new shooting and editing techniques, etc.  I’m praying for a good, heavy load of weddings this year as that’s what’s going to help me pay for my own wedding.  I’m thinking that, by March or April, I’ll have a pretty good idea of what my business year is going to look like as far as weddings go.  I’m hoping for anywhere from 12 to 20 weddings this year (for those of you who don’t know, I work full-time, too, so I just do this on the side).

4. Losing weight.

I bought an elliptical and I’m on a diet.  Obviously, this deserves a post of its own, which I’ll have to write sometime.

5. Planning my wedding.

Right now, I’m working on my guest list — figuring out who needs to be on it, getting addresses, etc.  Planning a wedding doesn’t scare me (I plan events for a living at my “real job”), but I am terrified I’m going to accidentally leave someone off the guest list!  I have tried to cover all my bases, from going through my cell phone, to going through my Christmas card list, to printing out my entire Facebook friend list and going through, name by name, to make sure I don’t miss anyone that should be included.  I’m just afraid that either I’m going to miss someone by accident, not see them in a list, etc. and leave them feeling like I excluded them.  At the same time, seating is limited in the venue we chose so I can’t over invite, either.  And, I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re expected to buy us a gift just because they got an invitation.  Fascinating stuff, I know.

Well, that’s my update on recent life.  What are you up to these days?  Tell me in the comments.*

*P.S. — I’ve started leaving comments open most of the time.  I had closed them a long time ago not because of critical comments but because I was going through a time where the good comments meant more to my at-that-time-low self-esteem than they should have and I wanted to focus on getting my approval, love, affection from God alone instead of wanting it from people in my life.  I still get that from God, just now with a healthy dose of British-loving too.

xoxo,

amy beth

P.S. — I couldn’t fall asleep last night because I’m so excited.